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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call partner out on this even if I’m unsure on what happened?

198 replies

Books1234 · 15/02/2025 08:41

My partner was at my house a couple of days ago. DD was there too, she is 8. We were all in the living room watching tv and chilling out, but I had quite a bad headache so dozed off on the sofa for a little while.

When I was starting to wake up, I thought I could hear partner telling DD off about something. I think it was along the lines of “not my top, you’re going to stretch it”. When I was fully awake, I realised that DD was trying to put soft toys in the neck of his top, which then what he said made sense.

DD has autism and doesn’t understand certain things, so sometimes she does have to be told not to do things which is absolutely fine. However, the bit that’s bugging me is how he said it - the tone sounded quite harsh and stern rather than asking her politely. When I was awake and she did it again, he then asked her nicely in front of me.

Now to the AIBU bit - I’m not 100% if I heard correctly or if I was still half asleep in terms of the tone being harsh and stern because I can’t remember it clearly and I can’t ask DD what happened because of her communication issues. I do remember starting to wake up and feeling taken a back by it a little bit though and then the being nice when he realised I was awake.

How do I approach this with my partner? Just to add that he is never left alone with DD due to her needs.

OP posts:
Wolfpa · 15/02/2025 08:45

Things always seem harsher when you are waking up. Why not just openly ask your partner “what happened the other day, did you have to tell her off?”

fourelementary · 15/02/2025 08:50

Then moment has passed and I think to even mention it now would be an overreaction and cause issues where there aren’t any. Maybe just be aware in future of the unsaid stuff or the looks etc and see if you can pick up any vibes that are off. But other than that, it’s not really an issue if you don’t leave them alone anyway. In regards to that, where is the future of the relationship lying? Is he long term and therefore going to have to be alone at some point? Worth considering….

SleepToad · 15/02/2025 09:01

What if he'd told her 5 or 6 times and needed to be firmer.... sometimes, being gentle and trying to explain especially if a child is excited or tired doesn't work.
Plus she is 8 she will have heard firm words before perhaps at school?

SnoopysHoose · 15/02/2025 09:01

the tone sounded quite harsh and stern rather than asking her politely
Your child maybe had been told multiple times and he's then uses a harsher tone.
Tbf asking politely rarely works.

Original poster
Books1234 · 15/02/2025 09:05

She may have done it a couple of times when I was asleep, I’m not sure, but the bit I feel unsure about - is when I was awake and he then started asking her nicely rather than just telling me or asking me to step in (which I did anyway and I had a word with her). It seems slightly fake or a bit sly on his behalf when he was being stern with her when he thought I couldn’t hear if that makes sense?

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 15/02/2025 09:06

Despite her needs, your dd needs to be made to understand when she’s doing something wrong. She needs resilience: what will you do when she’s in secondary, with potentially naughty fellow students and the teacher has to raise their voice? I’m sorry, you sound a bit too defensive.

Original poster
Books1234 · 15/02/2025 09:10

Cherrysoup · 15/02/2025 09:06

Despite her needs, your dd needs to be made to understand when she’s doing something wrong. She needs resilience: what will you do when she’s in secondary, with potentially naughty fellow students and the teacher has to raise their voice? I’m sorry, you sound a bit too defensive.

She is told off when she needs it. I’m the first one to make sure she’s doing as she’s told. I’ve already explained in my last post that it’s more how his behaviour changed when he knew I was awake and listening that I feel uneasy about.

OP posts:
Chiseltip · 15/02/2025 09:10

Is he her father?

MathsMum3 · 15/02/2025 09:12

I would leave it tbh. What do you think he'll say if you do bring it up? However, maybe keep an eye out in future on how he interacts with her when he thinks you're not paying attention.

Original poster
Books1234 · 15/02/2025 09:12

Chiseltip · 15/02/2025 09:10

Is he her father?

No

OP posts:
EG94 · 15/02/2025 09:14

You want to start a conversation based on ifs buts and maybes. If he tells you no I wasn’t you clearly won’t believe him. If it’s an issue that you think he is too firm on your child when she’s effectively disrespecting his things then maybe you should consider walking away if your parenting styles aren’t aligned.

Changingplace · 15/02/2025 09:16

I think this a non event, your daughter was doing something silly and was told to stop, it sounds totally fine, I think you need to accept that sometimes adults will tell your daughter to stop doing something she shouldn’t be doing.

Why do you think she shouldn’t be pulled up on silly behaviour?

Original poster
Books1234 · 15/02/2025 09:16

EG94 · 15/02/2025 09:14

You want to start a conversation based on ifs buts and maybes. If he tells you no I wasn’t you clearly won’t believe him. If it’s an issue that you think he is too firm on your child when she’s effectively disrespecting his things then maybe you should consider walking away if your parenting styles aren’t aligned.

She didn’t do it in a malicious disrespecting way, she has autism (on the more moderate - severe end of the spectrum) and doesn’t always understand when she’s overstepping boundaries. It’s not like she’s ‘being naughty’. And I would appreciate him asking me - her mother - to sort her out rather than speaking to her in a tone that I would never speak to another person’s child in.

OP posts:
Original poster
Books1234 · 15/02/2025 09:17

Changingplace · 15/02/2025 09:16

I think this a non event, your daughter was doing something silly and was told to stop, it sounds totally fine, I think you need to accept that sometimes adults will tell your daughter to stop doing something she shouldn’t be doing.

Why do you think she shouldn’t be pulled up on silly behaviour?

Look at my latest post.

OP posts:
Changingplace · 15/02/2025 09:18

Books1234 · 15/02/2025 09:10

She is told off when she needs it. I’m the first one to make sure she’s doing as she’s told. I’ve already explained in my last post that it’s more how his behaviour changed when he knew I was awake and listening that I feel uneasy about.

Show quote history

How could you possibly know this when you were asleep for half the time?

This isn’t even worth the brain power of thinking about, non event.

Changingplace · 15/02/2025 09:19

Books1234 · 15/02/2025 09:16

She didn’t do it in a malicious disrespecting way, she has autism (on the more moderate - severe end of the spectrum) and doesn’t always understand when she’s overstepping boundaries. It’s not like she’s ‘being naughty’. And I would appreciate him asking me - her mother - to sort her out rather than speaking to her in a tone that I would never speak to another person’s child in.

Show quote history

Having autism doesn’t mean you’re not told no. You need to teach her boundaries still. Also, you were asleep you don’t know she wasn’t being disrespectful etc.

ttcbabythree · 15/02/2025 09:19

I think he gave a corrective no and backed it up with a reason why which is acceptable .

Original poster
Books1234 · 15/02/2025 09:20

Changingplace · 15/02/2025 09:19

Having autism doesn’t mean you’re not told no. You need to teach her boundaries still. Also, you were asleep you don’t know she wasn’t being disrespectful etc.

Edited
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I’m aware, but I tell her in a way that’s still respectful and not so harsh and stern. How you or other people choose to speak to your children is your own business.

OP posts:
ttcbabythree · 15/02/2025 09:20

Changingplace · 15/02/2025 09:19

Having autism doesn’t mean you’re not told no. You need to teach her boundaries still. Also, you were asleep you don’t know she wasn’t being disrespectful etc.

Edited
Show quote history

Exactly and the fact he gave a reason will
actually make it easier for her to understand why she was being asked to stop.

ExtraOnions · 15/02/2025 09:20

Books1234 · 15/02/2025 09:16

She didn’t do it in a malicious disrespecting way, she has autism (on the more moderate - severe end of the spectrum) and doesn’t always understand when she’s overstepping boundaries. It’s not like she’s ‘being naughty’. And I would appreciate him asking me - her mother - to sort her out rather than speaking to her in a tone that I would never speak to another person’s child in.

Show quote history

You had a headache and were asleep … is he supposed to wake you up, to deal with a fairly minor incident?

ttcbabythree · 15/02/2025 09:21

I don’t see the issue at all - he wasn’t unkind , wasn’t shouting or using inappropriate language and he may have already asked nicely for her to stop and you hadn’t heard ?

Original poster
Books1234 · 15/02/2025 09:21

ttcbabythree · 15/02/2025 09:20

Exactly and the fact he gave a reason will
actually make it easier for her to understand why she was being asked to stop.

Show quote history

It’s not what he said - clearly people aren’t quite understanding that - it’s the tone, it was almost shouting. Then he suddenly put on a nice voice and started saying please when I was awake and listening, that’s the bit I didn’t like. How hard is it for people to understand that or are people just choosing to be antagonistic?

OP posts:
EG94 · 15/02/2025 09:21

Books1234 · 15/02/2025 09:16

She didn’t do it in a malicious disrespecting way, she has autism (on the more moderate - severe end of the spectrum) and doesn’t always understand when she’s overstepping boundaries. It’s not like she’s ‘being naughty’. And I would appreciate him asking me - her mother - to sort her out rather than speaking to her in a tone that I would never speak to another person’s child in.

Show quote history

Malicious or not, it’s disrespectful of other people’s things. Autism or not, kids get corrected when not behaving correctly.

you were sleeping, doesn’t sound like he shouted at her. You are not sure he was firm as you admitted but you seem dismissive of the possibility he wasn’t. You also said, it’s ok for her to be corrected but it also seems you aren’t ok with this unless it’s you doing the correction.

I can’t see he did anything wrong. You were sleeping, your daughter was doing something she shouldn’t, he corrected her in a way you aren’t even 100% sure of and now you have a problem. Doesn’t sound like your daughter had an adverse reaction so respectfully I think the problem is you. If it hasn’t happened already you’ll clash on the correct way to parent. He will also feel like your daughter is in his life and he isn’t allowed a voice. If you don’t end it, I reckon he will.

Dianapiano · 15/02/2025 09:23

Most people don't like someone invading their personal space. They come down hard on that at school. You need to make it clear to her that touching people without their permission is quite wrong. If a dog behaved in an overly familiar way most people would be firm.
Your boyfriend may decide that not being allowed to robustly say no to your daughter is a deal breaker. He didn't tell her off in another room. You were there. Sometimes a firm word is needed.

Original poster
Books1234 · 15/02/2025 09:23

EG94 · 15/02/2025 09:21

Malicious or not, it’s disrespectful of other people’s things. Autism or not, kids get corrected when not behaving correctly.

you were sleeping, doesn’t sound like he shouted at her. You are not sure he was firm as you admitted but you seem dismissive of the possibility he wasn’t. You also said, it’s ok for her to be corrected but it also seems you aren’t ok with this unless it’s you doing the correction.

I can’t see he did anything wrong. You were sleeping, your daughter was doing something she shouldn’t, he corrected her in a way you aren’t even 100% sure of and now you have a problem. Doesn’t sound like your daughter had an adverse reaction so respectfully I think the problem is you. If it hasn’t happened already you’ll clash on the correct way to parent. He will also feel like your daughter is in his life and he isn’t allowed a voice. If you don’t end it, I reckon he will.

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You clearly don’t understand the point of my post, so have a nice day but I won’t be taking any of your ‘advice’.

OP posts: