To call partner out on this even if I’m unsure on what happened?

[Books1234]

My partner was at my house a couple of days ago. DD was there too, she is 8. We were all in the living room watching tv and chilling out, but I had quite a bad headache so dozed off on the sofa for a little while.

When I was starting to wake up, I thought I could hear partner telling DD off about something. I think it was along the lines of “not my top, you’re going to stretch it”. When I was fully awake, I realised that DD was trying to put soft toys in the neck of his top, which then what he said made sense.

DD has autism and doesn’t understand certain things, so sometimes she does have to be told not to do things which is absolutely fine. However, the bit that’s bugging me is how he said it - the tone sounded quite harsh and stern rather than asking her politely. When I was awake and she did it again, he then asked her nicely in front of me.

Now to the AIBU bit - I’m not 100% if I heard correctly or if I was still half asleep in terms of the tone being harsh and stern because I can’t remember it clearly and I can’t ask DD what happened because of her communication issues. I do remember starting to wake up and feeling taken a back by it a little bit though and then the being nice when he realised I was awake.

How do I approach this with my partner? Just to add that he is never left alone with DD due to her needs.

Wow.

Then dump him?

The bottom line is, if for whatever reason you don’t trust him to be safely around your child, you need to end the relationship.

I don't think anyone is reading your post wrong it's just come as a surprise that people don't agree with you.
My opinion (for what it's worth)

If you're seeking a reason to end a relationship you don't really need a reason, just end it. If your otherwise happy I see two reasonable options

1. Let it go but me more vigilant for a while

or

1. Pretend to nod off and see if his tone is unacceptable in which case you can immediately sort it whichever way you feel necessary.

In my view going over a negligible incident long after the event won't end with the truth but almost certainly end with I'll feeling on one or both sides. If you find it happens again to an extent your unhappy with don't expect him to change.... it's highly unlikely.

I hear what you’re saying. It isn’t about what was said it’s about how he was speaking to her differently when he thought you weren’t listening. Hmmm this is concerning I’d say.
pretend to fall asleep again and see what happens.

It won’t kill her to have someone tell her off in a sharp tone. Throughout her childhood, different adults will speak to her in different ways. Some people might think she’s a little shit…not everyone will be soft and gentle with her.

My BF sometimes talks to my teenage boys in a manner which makes me raise an eyebrow. He’s never horrible to them but can sometimes be a bit condescending. But they’re not his kids and he’s never been a parent so I understand that he’s unlikely to be as patient with them as I might be.

I understand that your BF’s change of tone concerns you. I suspect he was irritated by her, snapped at her and, upon realising you were awake, changed his tone because he knew you wouldn’t approve and he wanted to avoid an argument. If that’s a deal breaker for you, end the relationship.

I think you've already decided he was in the wrong - despite you being half asleep - because you are irritably batting back anyone's views that he was rightly correcting her.
And yes, I did get what you think is your main point, that he changed being cross with her to being reasonable because he thought you were awake. It's all supposition and guesswork though, on your part as you weren't awake.
I get the feeling this relationship is on the ropes as you don't trust him to deal with your girl in his own way.

I get what you’re saying @Books1234 I think a) people are missing the point and b) they don’t know anything about your DD or what she does and doesn’t understand around boundaries. I wonder if you can bring it up to your partner and suggest you agree how he can support your daughter in future and to ask you if he’s unsure how to handle her behaviour? See how he responds to that and it might help you know about more about whether you should be worried

Sorry I haven't read the full thread OP, but it sounds like you no longer trust him, so if that's the way you feel, just end it, and save yourself the worry.

There's no future in the relationship OP. You clearly don't trust him.

If he was stern, then your DD started doing as asked, he wouldn't need to keep being stern, which is when you probably woke up.

I'm female, but if a DP asked me the way you plan to, I'd be annoyed and possibly have a 'suspicious' reaction.

The lack of trust should be enough to end the relationship.

No one is going to respond the way you want them to all the time.

It was almost shouting but you're not even at all.sure what he said or did?

If you don't want your boyfriend talking to your kid, don't leave them alone.

You sound as if you don’t entirely trust him around your DD. Have there been other incidents? Was your DD upset? What would you want to happen if your suspicions are proved to be correct?
Have you tried asking him what happened? “When I was dozing on the sofa, I was just coming round when I heard you speaking to DD about not stuffing the soft toys down your top. It seemed to me that you were overly harsh with her and it’s really bothered me ever since. Can you explain what happened?”

If you think he is using a different tone of voice when you can hear him to when he thinks you can't, then I think there is a big problem and I wouldn't trust him I'm afraid.

OP, listen to your gut, it is trying to warn you.
Trust your instinct, that can be enough for you to end things if you need to.

😳😳

Go with your instinct.You obviously heard him speak in a tone which you haven't heard before so you have alarm bells ringing.

You were asleep, therefore you cannot state that with confidence.
If the neck of my top was getting stretched and I asked several times with no change in behaviour... I'd get short with her, autism or not.

Why bother asking “AIBU?” if you’re going to disregard everybody saying that you are?

FWIW, my friends son is autistic, and fuck me I wish she was firmer with him because he acts like an absolute brat 95% of the time.

I’m sorry but Dailymauifan has not hit the nail on the head - you clearly state in your OP that you weren’t sure whether you heard your partner correctly. So all of the PPs you are criticising and saying they don’t understand are probably annoyed because they perfectly understand from what you stated. It’s you that doesn’t understand your own OP! You stated you’re not sure but you reply to people as though you are sure!
at least he tried to explain to your DS why she shouldn’t be doing it.

I have ASD, my kid has ASD, I teach kids with ASD. People with ASD can be silly and annoying just like anyone else.

I don't think he was out of order. You were asleep so we're not actually taking care of your DD. I expect he was getting exasperated as I would of someone was shoving things down my top. He did what he felt was necessary to get her to stop in your absence.

Having ASD doesn't exclude you from people being firm with you. In fact, clear and unambiguous instructions to stop are far easier to manage than people being vague. Your DD doesn't seem to have has a meltdown or shutdown as a result either. He didn't hit her or scream in her face. It sounds like he dealt with it pretty decently. Maybe she wasn't responding to the quiet reasoning that you'd have preferred.

Hi.
I understand exactly what you have written.
I can only suggest going with your gut instinct. You certainly don't need a Jekyll & Hyde character!

Is there a possibility that he might resent your daughter's needs, or perhaps view her as an inconvenience in your relationship?

His sudden change of tone sounds like a bit of a red flag. To be honest, i would have had the same reaction as you. Sometimes we can just have a sixth sense on these things. It doesn't mean you're being disproportionate in any way.

Is your relationship good in every other respect?
Perhaps you could (softly softly) broach the subject of how he feels around her. Did she make him feel a little frustrated the other evening etc...... Tell him to be honest, and that you won't be offended.

Agree x

OP, it sounds like it instinctively felt a bit off to you. I wouldn't say anything but would be slightly more wary of him in future.

I think you can bring it up but I wouldn't mention that specific incident. Just maybe say "I know it can be challenging with her behaviour sometimesnand I'm not saying you don't say things nicely and patiently but it's important that you do because I want you to both have a strong bond" kind of thing.

When you're a single parent, asking others advice is the norm for many situations. You second guess almost everything as you often doubt yourself.
There's nothing wrong with asking other mums what they would do!