To call partner out on this even if I’m unsure on what happened?

[Books1234]

My partner was at my house a couple of days ago. DD was there too, she is 8. We were all in the living room watching tv and chilling out, but I had quite a bad headache so dozed off on the sofa for a little while.

When I was starting to wake up, I thought I could hear partner telling DD off about something. I think it was along the lines of “not my top, you’re going to stretch it”. When I was fully awake, I realised that DD was trying to put soft toys in the neck of his top, which then what he said made sense.

DD has autism and doesn’t understand certain things, so sometimes she does have to be told not to do things which is absolutely fine. However, the bit that’s bugging me is how he said it - the tone sounded quite harsh and stern rather than asking her politely. When I was awake and she did it again, he then asked her nicely in front of me.

Now to the AIBU bit - I’m not 100% if I heard correctly or if I was still half asleep in terms of the tone being harsh and stern because I can’t remember it clearly and I can’t ask DD what happened because of her communication issues. I do remember starting to wake up and feeling taken a back by it a little bit though and then the being nice when he realised I was awake.

How do I approach this with my partner? Just to add that he is never left alone with DD due to her needs.

God - do people just not read what is posted? You are concerned he sounded like he was being snappy with your daughter when he thought you were asleep and then was asking nicely when he knew you were awake and could hear.
As you can't be sure - and he is likely to deny it - I would just mentally log it for now .

If you don't trust him, break up with him rather than arguing with people online that weren't even there.

I agree with this.

And although OP says he is never alone with the DD, he is in effect alone with her if OP is sleeping. I'd pay a lot more attention to what is going on.

@Books1234
You are very rude. You probably wouldn't be so rude in real life. It is not an example to set your daughter. Most posters are trying to help.
I am a teacher and I would be sharp if a child with SEND was fiddling with the clothing of another child. I would then take them to one side and explain. A sharp rebuke is sometimes necessary. Your daughter needs to learn and be wary of fiddling with someone inappropriately.

I undedtand why you are concerned. Id not ask him about it as he will just deny.

Id keep a close eye on things in the future, esp how he reacts to Dd when you are not in the room etc

I don’t think people on here have poor comprehension skills they just think you’re overthinking this and responding very rudely to those who don’t agree with you. However if this incident has really worried you you’ll have to make a decision about the future of your relationship.

The whole point is, which hasn’t been missed, you’re not SURE he changed his tone, by your own admission. You didn’t speak to him about it, you’ve festered on it and came to your own conclusions.

if you’re thread said you were in the kitchen and heard him be stern with her without you there then you walked in and he was nice, people would largely agree this is something to keep an eye on but it’s the fact you arent sure and are assuming.

the sternness isn’t an issue either if consistent but if it’s an issue for you that your daughter is sternly corrected it just won’t work will it.

Respectfully, how he treats your child will be chiefly how you’ve taught him to treat her, including an education on how her special needs impact her behaviour, what she understands etc. How long has he been in her life? How well does he know her?

It's pretty common for non-parents to be firmer with a child when their parent isn't there.

If the parent is present, the parent is in charge and should take the lead in managing the child.

If the parent isn't present, the non-parent is in charge, but without full parental authority. So the non-parent has to be firmer.

This.You are already uneasy, listen to your gut. You might also be picking up other things unconsciously. I’d be out of this.

I have a personal connection to this topic due something my best friend went through.

In her case it was worst case scenario and later she said that it had started with tiny little niggles that made her pause, but she gaslit herself into thinking she was overreacting.

The authorities and professionals that got involved said that they see it happen a lot with non verbal children and these predators specifically target them.

Again, it might be nothing... But I DO understand your worries and have seen first hand what can happen.

You sound like a great mum and protective over your daughter which is the most important thing.

It's better to be you two safe and happy than have someone unsafe (if that is what he is).

What if instead of being “sly” as you’ve suggested he was just taking a different tack since the first request obviously hadn’t worked? This sounds like for whatever reason you are significantly overthinking this.

Another poster that has posted asking if they're being unreasonable, when they've already made up their mind they're not and getting funny with posters who are disagreeing with them. There's a lot of these lately.

You clearly don't think you're being unreasonable so why post and keep posting?

This you're being ridiculous 🙄

You were asleep, so he took responsibility to correct her, rather than wake you. When you were obviously awake, he didn't feel he had to be so harsh, as you were there to discipline her. Perhaps he was panicking a bit when you were asleep, as she wouldnt stop. If he had to ask her again, his harsh tone hadn't intimidated her.

To be honest if I woke up with a child shoving toys down my front or had to ask them to stop a few times I'd sound irritated. Then I might take a breath and adjust my tone. If you think he's sly then that's up to you but there are far more positive interpretations you could make. Maybe this says more about you than him.

Firstly you say ' Just to add that he is never left alone with DD due to her needs.'

then you go on to say

' That makes me question how he will behave with her when I’m not around to see or hear it. '

and

' now I feel I can’t trust how he would treat DD when I’m not around.'

and

'but as it stands, I definitely wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving them alone together'

and

' how would he speak to her if I wasn’t around and in the same room? '

BUT you have already stated '' Just to add that he is never left alone with DD due to her needs.'...

I think if you wouldn't feel comfortable leaving them alone together, your options are raise it with him, or end the relationship. It doesn't matter why you feel the way you feel (I know you're getting a hard time from some people!), if you're feeling uncomfortable about him being around your child for any reason, I think it's something you'll struggle to get over (I'd certainly struggle).

No he hasn’t been left alone with her YET but it makes me concerned about the future if he ever was. Not sure what part of that is hard for you to understand tbh.

as it stands, I definitely wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving them alone together

You need to just end it then.
Will you?

It’s one of two things here:

1. As you suspect, he treats her differently when you’re around to when you’re not. Big red flag.

2. When you woke up he realised he’d been too harsh, reflected on his behaviour and moderated himself. Potentially not a red flag because perhaps he has not much experience with children/autistic children and is learning what is acceptable.

The question is, is it worth the risk of hoping it’s the second one when it could be the first?

I’m not 100% if I heard correctly or if I was still half asleep in terms of the tone being harsh and stern because I can’t remember it clearly

You've said yourself that you're not sure if you heard correctly, so this is a totally non issue that you're creating.
Your daughter was clearly continuing to try to shove toys down his top even after being asked to stop because she was still doing it when you were properly awake. Maybe your partner changed his tone and maybe he didn't 🤷🏻‍♀️. Maybe he changed it because you'd woken up and stepped in to stop your child.
Unless you have previous concerns about him then I think you should just drop it.
Oh and SEN or not, I'd be bloody pissed off if a child of that age was continuously shoving toys down my top too!

If you raise this with your boyfriend, all he's going to hear is that you're annoyed when he corrects her firmly AND you're annoyed when he corrects her nicey-nicey. So he can't win and he shouldn't say ANYTHING.

I'd park this for now until you have more concrete evidence of your suspicions.

If you suspect he can be sly and can be meaner than you’d like, there’s no point calling him out. He’s not going to change his personality.
Better to just consider- do you want him in your daughter’s life or not.

You seem unpleasantly argumentative and rude when you don’t like responses but I’ll add that this is a non-event. You were in the room. He got a bit fed up and you didn’t like the tone. End of.