To call partner out on this even if I’m unsure on what happened?

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My partner was at my house a couple of days ago. DD was there too, she is 8. We were all in the living room watching tv and chilling out, but I had quite a bad headache so dozed off on the sofa for a little while.

When I was starting to wake up, I thought I could hear partner telling DD off about something. I think it was along the lines of “not my top, you’re going to stretch it”. When I was fully awake, I realised that DD was trying to put soft toys in the neck of his top, which then what he said made sense.

DD has autism and doesn’t understand certain things, so sometimes she does have to be told not to do things which is absolutely fine. However, the bit that’s bugging me is how he said it - the tone sounded quite harsh and stern rather than asking her politely. When I was awake and she did it again, he then asked her nicely in front of me.

Now to the AIBU bit - I’m not 100% if I heard correctly or if I was still half asleep in terms of the tone being harsh and stern because I can’t remember it clearly and I can’t ask DD what happened because of her communication issues. I do remember starting to wake up and feeling taken a back by it a little bit though and then the being nice when he realised I was awake.

How do I approach this with my partner? Just to add that he is never left alone with DD due to her needs.

Trust your instincts—his behaviour changed the moment he realised you were awake, and that’s a red flag. A genuinely kind and patient person wouldn’t need to adjust their tone depending on who’s watching. The fact that you were startled awake by what sounded like a harsh tone suggests your subconscious picked up on something off.

This isn’t about whether asking her to stop was reasonable (it was), but how he did it when he thought you weren’t listening. People who are consistently kind don’t suddenly soften their approach only when they know they’re being observed.

You don’t need to accuse him outright, but you do need to address it. A simple, calm conversation—“The other day when I dozed off, I thought I heard you speak to DD quite sternly, but when I was fully awake, you asked her nicely. Was there a reason for that?”—will tell you a lot. Watch his reaction carefully. If he’s defensive, dismissive, or tries to make you doubt yourself, that’s your answer. Keep an eye on this—your instincts are picking up on something for a reason.

Probably the contradicting list of your own quotes listed tbf

I understand what you mean re the change in behaviour and I’ve got 2 thoughts to offer. The first is that he may well have spoken a bit harshly perhaps having had to repeat himself already and lost his patience and when you woke up he realised himself, not necessarily in a bad way but in the way that we all don’t always behave perfectly. But the other option is that you sensed there was something more behind it and that may be because of other low level stuff that’s happened which makes you doubt him. If it’s the latter, then the relationship needs to end.

This is what the PP was talking about though OP. She needs to be told by others, not just you. She is going out into the big mean world and your job is to allow stuff like this to build resilience in her or she will fold.

For all you know she had annoyed him for ages before he snapped a bit.

Let it go if all else is OK. He's entitled to get pissed off with a kid trying to shove toys into the neckline of his clothes.

That’s really helpful, especially the example you’ve given on how to ask and approach it, so thank you I’ll definitely use that when I speak to him about it!

I'm with others in feeling he did little worthy of comment or concern.

You keep saying it's the way he changed his voice, but surely that's just human nature. She was annoying him and it escalated, she obviously took heed and stopped. Then started again when you were awake, possibly to get your attention. At that point you were present so he knew you could deal with her and he wouldn't have to have her hanging off the collar of his jumper.

So his reaction wasn't as annoyed as when he was essentially 'alone' with her antics.

I knew not to piss my dad off when I was a kid, his telling offs were pretty scary. But it wasn't abusive?! Obviously he's not her dad. But he has a right to defend his personal space and his clothing from destruction.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Some sixth sense when you were half awake had made you uneasy. It might be something, it might be nothing but you need to know. You can't risk a possibly even slightly secret hostile attitude towards your daughter. I would set up a similar scenario. Be 'asleep' again, seemingly out of earshot and see what happens. If you are right he is being sneaky himself. If you are wrong it will put your mind at rest and no harm done. I think you are right to he cautious. So often people turn a blind eye for the sake of maintaining their relationship. It may well be nothing but I would want to be absolutely sure 💐

People understand; they just have a different opinion.

Trust your instincts OP. I think you know this was a small red flag. Of course it’s normal to get irritated with children and speak crossly sometimes, but you are right that him shifting tone would be worrisome. He might just have been momentarily irritated especially if she hadn’t listened the first time to him, and then your movement helped him to notice this and shift his tone. That’s fine. But I guess you can just keep an eye on it.

There are many reasons his tone may change with you awake. Maybe he realised he was getting irritated and took a chance to scale it back. Maybe he felt the pressure lift because her parent was present. Maybe she wouldn't stop and he frankly was bit peed off with it, then relaxed when you woke. Maybe he knows you treat her with kid gloves and never tell her off in a stern manner and he'd be in trouble (I'm not saying you do - just giving a possible explanation).
There are generally far more reasons than he's sly etc, but if you are jumping straight to that then maybe something about him bothers you anyway.

For what it's worth it doesn't sound like he was out of order being harsh at all anyway- I'd be bloody irritated by that behaviour and he certainly wasn't being over the top.
How long have you been together and what is your relationship normally like?

In an otherwise healthy happy relationship, this on it’s own wouldn’t worry me and I would normally chalk it up to a bad day (as long as the language wasn’t abusive and it was “only” a raised voice likely used after being asked nicely a few times prior).
However the fact that your instincts seem to be screaming differently at you would make me want to dive into things a bit deeper and think about if there is something else about this relationship that is making you uneasy?

It can be important for a person with additional needs to know that they have stepped over the line, are being annoying. They need to also learn tone of voice, inflection is part of communication and that not everyone responds the same.

Rather than confront DP - teach them-

When it happens next, you handle it in the way you think is most effective.
Then say to DP, I’ve noticed that being neutral in voice is effective for DC, when I use firm voice DC seems to get confused.

That person's advice was fine.

You don't know what happened, you acknowledge your dd needed to be told to stop, you were asleep.

If he's never ever ever allowed to correct your child even when her behavior is causing him physical discomfort then this relationship is doomed.

My child is autistic. If someone felt the need to correct him because he was invading their personal space i wouldn't be getting my knickers in a twist about it.

I think that’s fair. It’s certainly one way of interpreting what happened. He’s never been alone with the OP’s child, so she always takes the lead on behaviour. Here, for the first time, he was ‘alone’ and in charge because the OP was asleep, though physically there. It was his first time having to manage aggravating behaviour on his own. The child kept doing what he’d told her not to, and he got aggravated. When you woke up, it gave him a minute to catch his breath and recover.

It’s not necessarily sinister.

However, the fact that the OP interprets it as sinister suggests she doesn’t trust him around her child, which is another issue.

It sounds like your DD was fine and unbothered enough by his tone to do it again when you were awake, which shows he didn't misjudge it.

It's possible he used a different tone, but it's more likely that each interaction starts nice and when she keeps doing it or pulls at the shirt, he puts on a stricter tone. After a break from it, back to the nicer tone. This is normal when a child doesn't listen to the nice voice and it's escalating.

You were lying there the whole time, he wouldn't have known how asleep you were, so it wasn't really behind your back. I wouldn't over analyse this unless your DD had been upset, which she wasn't.

The fact you think parents should 'ask nicely' says it all. It sounds like you're that type of parent, the one who would rather be friends than a parent. Children don't get the right to be told 'nicely'. They are told, and that's it. Autism or not, sounds like he is doing proper parenting (yes I know he's not her dad) the proper way, not the wishy washy softly weak as way you're doing. Sounds like she needs his type of parenting not yours. Please get over yourself there are far bigger issues than you wringing your hands that someone 'didn't speak nicely' to your daughter.

Did you back him up and tell her not to?

People do snap when irritated and then go back to normal - if she had been asked several times nicely (how would you know as you were asleep) it's natural for his tone to then be sharper

This is more about what you think if your DP than anything else. You immediately think secret rather than natural reaction

How did he know you were fully asleep when he spoke in order to change his tone when he knew you were awake? You could have been dozing but still listening?

But that's not your only issue. Read back through your posts. You clearly stated that he shouldn't have told her off and that you think that should be left to you. People are responding to that.

The kids was doing something irritating so he sounded irritated! He's only human.

They are choosing to be antagonistic. Welcome to Mumsnet! 😂I totally understand what you mean OP and I would feel the same. Whatever you decide to do (i.e confront him or not) keep a close eye on the relationship from now on and perhaps don't leave them alone again until you're sure that he is being kind to her. I know I'll get absolutely rinsed for this but men do not have the same compassion and empathy as women and she's not his child. He may well have got annoyed with her. He doesn't have the same bond with her that you have and it is worth bearing this in mind going forward. A lot of men pretend to like a woman's kids to get their feet under the table. There are so many bad step dad stories. For balance there are loads of amazing step dad stories as well and hopefully this was just a blip. I think I would have to ask him about it if it was me. The reaction I got would give me the answer I needed.

Oh we understand alright, we just disagree with you. Children need to be shouted at sometimes, even children on the spectrum. He is being the parent that you seem unable/lack the skills to be. Good on him. Give your head a wobble, she will grow up spoilt and maladjusted if you keep going with your nicey-wicey weak ineffective parenting.

I don't think I would ever have a new boyfriend around my child, particularly where my child has additional needs. Too many weirdos out there. If even a tiny bit of you is concerned, pull back.

everyone is telling you you're being weird and overreacting, so maybe you should actually listen to what they're saying because you're being weird and overreacting.

just because you don't like the advice doesn't mean it's bad.

You were asleep...

And she'll not always be asked politely at school...

Was she distressed?