To call partner out on this even if I’m unsure on what happened?

[Books1234]

My partner was at my house a couple of days ago. DD was there too, she is 8. We were all in the living room watching tv and chilling out, but I had quite a bad headache so dozed off on the sofa for a little while.

When I was starting to wake up, I thought I could hear partner telling DD off about something. I think it was along the lines of “not my top, you’re going to stretch it”. When I was fully awake, I realised that DD was trying to put soft toys in the neck of his top, which then what he said made sense.

DD has autism and doesn’t understand certain things, so sometimes she does have to be told not to do things which is absolutely fine. However, the bit that’s bugging me is how he said it - the tone sounded quite harsh and stern rather than asking her politely. When I was awake and she did it again, he then asked her nicely in front of me.

Now to the AIBU bit - I’m not 100% if I heard correctly or if I was still half asleep in terms of the tone being harsh and stern because I can’t remember it clearly and I can’t ask DD what happened because of her communication issues. I do remember starting to wake up and feeling taken a back by it a little bit though and then the being nice when he realised I was awake.

How do I approach this with my partner? Just to add that he is never left alone with DD due to her needs.

Wow! Rude!

And sometimes, even with SEN children, sharpness is needed

@Books1234 maybe his tone changed when you were awake as he was expecting you to step in.

Maybe his tone changed because unlike the last time she hadn’t been attempting it repeatedly until he asked her with ‘a tone’ - there had been a break from it until you woke up so he started asking her more softly again.

maybe he was just getting exasperated at that point as he’d asked her a few times?

it’s a good job you never make a mistake or raise your voice or use a tone and a lesson us mere mortals could do to learn from you.

If he normally treats her well and abides by your communication rules then I’d have a conversation without accusations.

I agree with you. I understand what are you saying.
You now have a niggling doubt about whether your partner only treats your daughter well for ‘brownie points’ with you, not because she is a vulnerable child who needs kindness (and this is not incompatible with firmness, despite some of the posts).
Have you considered doing a Sarah’s Law request?

OP: AIBU?
MN: Yes
OP: No, let me explain again…
MN: YABU
OP: Let me put it another way…
MN: YABU
OP: Idiots. I’ll just wait until someone comes along and agrees with me then…

Split up with him.

It doesn’t matter if you are right or wrong, it doesn’t matter if he overstepped or not, it doesn’t matter whether people think he was fine to be sharp with her.

You don’t feel confident he will treat you daughter in a way you find acceptable. Therefore you will be on edge, looking out for confirmation that he is too sharp or impatient with her, rather than being relaxed and comfortable in his company.

A relationship isn’t tenable in those circumstances.

If you can’t feel your daughter is in a caring environment with him there when you leave the room or nip to the loo, you best just move on.

Whether he was fine or over the top is actually irrelevant. YOU feel uncomfortable with it.

Why the need to do a Sarah’s Law?

OP has what sounds like serious concerns about her partner’s behaviour around her child when she is not present. Instead of opening a thread on MN and disagreeing with everyone or delving into this man’s past, she should just end the relationship. That’s what I would do if I had a vulnerable child who I thought was at risk.

I don’t know what OP wants from the thread. Almost everyone has said she is over-reacting but she doesn’t want to hear that. Fine. Deal with the situation and end the relationship.

Coming up in 3 weeks' time: I was really tired and went to bed for a nap, but DP woke me up because he asked DD to bring down the mug next to her bed and she refused. Why can't he deal with it..."

"he is never left alone with DD due to her needs." well to be honest, you were asleep, so effectively you were absent

Do a Sarah's law request because the guy mildly rebuked a child with whom he is never left on his own, while in the same room as her mother?

Get a grip.

Is he the dad? If he is not, then you know the answer - a stranger, an autistic child is pestering him with soft toys, etc.

Calm the hell down, kids need to be told when they’re doing something silly, you can’t solve everything with ‘kindness’ ffs.

Such an unnecessary reason to suggest Sarah’s law.

As they continued to play together afterwards and your DD did the same thing again, I think I'd be satisfied that he'd done nothing to upset her. It's understandable to be protective and watchful, essential in fact, but unless you have other concerns about his tone, I don't think I'd raise it this time.

He probably won’t want to be left alone with her anyway. She’s not his child.

@Books1234 I don't think some pp's understand the nuance of your comment here.

It's nothing to do with your dp telling your dd off in that moment.

The red flag is that your dp speaks more harshly to your dd when he thinks no-one except dd can hear.
When you're party to their interactions he's behaving in a way that he knows is false to how he truly feels but is keeping you sweet.
Devious.
If he thinks your dd should be told more sternly then he either buts out of any parenting and leaves it to you, or a discussion is had where you agree what is acceptable and he sticks to it.

Not true. Kids need emotional warmth/love and consistent and developmentally appropriate boundaries. There is zero evidence that putting boundaries in a stern or angry voice is beneficial. In fact, if you save your more stern voice to when it’s an urgent or risky situation then they listen to it more.

You can put boundaries in in a calm, kind, respectful but firm tone. You don’t NEED to shout at all. No evidence for that at all. As long as the boundaries are clear, consistent and developmentally appropriate and they feel loved, it’s all good.

I think we actually need to encourage women to trust their instincts more, not less. Have you seen the number of threads on here where women have tolerated stuff for years and ignored initial red flags because they don’t want to ‘make a mountain out of a molehill’ or be seen as irrational?

Maybe look at the tone of your own posts before criticising his tone?

Autism in children does not mean unacceptable behaviour becomes acceptable.

You’re just contradicting yourself there, so yes sometimes in certain situations you do need to be more forceful so I’m not sure why you’re trying to disagree?

A Sarah's Law request is not appropriate simply because someone has become irritated because a child has been asked to not do something but continues to do so.

Please don't make a mockery of these requests and waste valuable resources in this way.

If the OP doesn't like how her 'partner' handled it on this occasion she should decide whether she wants to continue the relationship not criminalise a person for being irritated by a child continuing to do something they have been asked not to.

This. Too many parents seem to think an autism diagnosis means they don't have to parent their children, they have a ready made excuse not to parent properly. In fact, autism means be even firmer, not less.

You heard what you heard and you feel what you feel. No one can tell you you're wrong for that. Obviously you're going to be very protective of your dd.

Only you can decide whether to continue in the relationship now knowing that he has the capacity to speak to your SEN child in a way you don't like. You can give him the benefit of the doubt and think "well, maybe she was being really annoying and he doesn't yet fully understand how he should treat her" - and give him a lesson in how he should deal with this kind of situation or you decide it's game over.

Its really down to you.

it’s more how his behaviour changed when he knew I was awake and listening that I feel uneasy about.

Have you previously criticised how he’s handled things before? Because that would explain it.
I’m not seeing he’s done anything wrong tbh, there’s also nothing wrong with stern words and then, if having words later, saying them differently if you feel a bit calmer.
And yes, before you ask, I also have DC with autism.

Why don’t you fake another headache and pretend to be asleep but just listen into both of them

your partner probably asked more quietly initially - it may have been the sterner voice that woke you.
If you're awake, he simply accelerates to you when she ignores him?

don't expect your partner to provide childcare while you nap and/or give your daughter an expectation that she behaves when your partner requests it, not that its normal for her to ignore him so that he has to defer to you.