To call partner out on this even if I’m unsure on what happened?

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My partner was at my house a couple of days ago. DD was there too, she is 8. We were all in the living room watching tv and chilling out, but I had quite a bad headache so dozed off on the sofa for a little while.

When I was starting to wake up, I thought I could hear partner telling DD off about something. I think it was along the lines of “not my top, you’re going to stretch it”. When I was fully awake, I realised that DD was trying to put soft toys in the neck of his top, which then what he said made sense.

DD has autism and doesn’t understand certain things, so sometimes she does have to be told not to do things which is absolutely fine. However, the bit that’s bugging me is how he said it - the tone sounded quite harsh and stern rather than asking her politely. When I was awake and she did it again, he then asked her nicely in front of me.

Now to the AIBU bit - I’m not 100% if I heard correctly or if I was still half asleep in terms of the tone being harsh and stern because I can’t remember it clearly and I can’t ask DD what happened because of her communication issues. I do remember starting to wake up and feeling taken a back by it a little bit though and then the being nice when he realised I was awake.

How do I approach this with my partner? Just to add that he is never left alone with DD due to her needs.

You said initially it was a ‘stern tone’ , now it was ‘almost shouting’ ? I’m not being antagonistic at all as I have dc with ASD . I do understand to a point but also know that sometimes dc with ASD need to have clear messages and you do sometimes have to over emphasise some things as they don’t pick up on subtle social things others would and she may have needed that tone to realise she was in his personal space and potentially ruining a possession

I’m going to say it one more time because clearly some people on here don’t understand very much. It’s not the telling off that was the issue. It was the way he then changed his behaviour to being very nice once I was awake. That makes me question how he will behave with her when I’m not around to see or hear it. That’s the part that made me feel uneasy, what part of that aren’t people reading?

🤣🤣

You won’t take anyone’s advice because you’ve decided you are right, your daughter is right and your partner is wrong.

all the replies are consistent so enjoy your thread of people telling you, you are wrong.

If that’s how you feel then the relationship has no future- you don’t trust that he acts in the same way around you as not around you- therefore you feel he is not genuine or is sly. So end it. But if you say out loud what you’re saying here you will
look unhinged, sorry. Maybe just say “it’s not working for me” and be done with you don’t need an excuse.

How do you know how he was speaking before you were awake? You have no idea whether he said please etc before then.

Maybe it’s time to re think the relationship then of you are this concerned about what happened ?

Thank you for understanding what my post was actually about. I have no issue with telling DD off, it’s the way his behaviour changed once he was aware of me and now I feel I can’t trust how he would treat DD when I’m not around.

You have chosen to put your thread in AIBU. Most people think you are being unreasonable. Ask to have the thread moved if you don't want posters to disagree with you.

I don’t care if people agree or not, it’s when people don’t understand the actual point of the thread that’s annoying. Thankfully another poster has actually understood and gave some good advice!

I think YABU because actually you can sometimes get irritated with a child, even one with ASD, and speak sharply. Sometimes the sharpness comes out and then you hear yourself and row back a bit. Maybe you stirring and waking up called him back to himself, he realised he was losing it a bit and took a breath and made the effort to speak nicely again.

However it's hard for us to get a sense of the potential deceitfulness - these things are very much "you had to be there".

I'd probably do a bit of watching and seeing how he is with her generally for a couple of weeks. file it away as something to note. Or try and work out what else in his behaviour gives you this vibe that he might not be so kind to her if you weren't watching..

it’s the tone, it was almost shouting. Then he suddenly put on a nice voice

Well, that wasn't in your OP, to be fair! If that's what happened, why didn't/don't you ask him about it?

Dave, when I was dozing on the sofa, it sounded like you shouted at x and then suddenly put on a nice voice when you realised I was awake-that has really upset me.

Sorry OP, I think the replies to you are either because posters are being deliberately antagonist or they lack comprehension skills. Clearly you are uneasy about how he spoke when he thought he wasn't being overheard to when he knew he was. I would be concerned about that too. I have no answers but I think you are going to have to be watchful now you know, and act on any further questionable instances by getting rid of him. I really do not like the sound of this, I'd be very careful about leaving her alone with him, you can't trust him.

If you were certain this is what happened then you should have brought it up at the time. It's reasonable for you to take whatever stance you like about how firmly your partner talks to your daughter.

As you are unclear about what has happened - you are not sure as you were coming out of sleep - it's reasonable for you to keep an eye on the situation and bring it up with your partner if you actually see it happening. Your daughter is not in any danger if this were to happen again, even if you don't like it.

Most people would react sharply if they were being touched repeatedly in this way. He clearly didn't like it.
He clearly wasn't shouting or you would have woken up. He was aware that you were in the same room so he wasn't being devious.
Most people would find your daughter's behaviour unacceptable. Are you suggesting that he wake you up to tell her off?
You are very sensitive about your daughter. She goes to school. She will be used to poor behaviour being corrected. If she was stuffing toys down the neck of a fellow pupil and the teacher saw from the other side of the room, the teacher would call across crossly.
The poor guy is probably nervous about saying no firmly when your daughter crosses boundaries and invades his personal space.

The teacher wouldn’t ’call across crossly’ because she attends a good SEN school that would explain properly to her why not to do it, in a way that she would understand, so wind your neck in.

I've said those exact words to one of DP's nieces - "not down my top, you're going to stretch it" is perfectly reasonable and hardly harsh.

I have also used a firmer tone with the nieces when I'm the only one in the room with them and I need to get them to stop doing something. That's because I know it's not my place to discipline them should their behaviour get out of hand, so I need to convey with my tone that I'm serious. And it worked.

When their parents are around I wouldn't be as firm because I'd expect my "nicer" request to be backed up and for their parents to take charge and stop their children harassing me. That also worked.

You’ve hit the nail on the head so thank you for your comment and understanding, I think I’m definitely going to be more aware from now on of their interactions but as it stands, I definitely wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving them alone together

Far, far better he tells her off about touching him inappropriately than he allows her to touch him because he is scared of your reaction. I would be more suspicious if he let her play around his clothing without sharply telling her not to do it.

People grasp that, they just don’t think it’s a big deal. If you don’t trust him to respond appropriately to her behaviour in general, that’s a bigger issue, obviously.

How long have you been together? Is this a serious relationship?

I think you are right to be cautious of a new man around your daughter. It is okay to trust your instincts. But it is much better to talk directly and discuss things at the time rather than stew on it for a couple of days.

Seems like people are choosing to be antagonistic.
If it feels off to you, you're her mum, you know best. If I were you I would keep an eye on things a wee bit because I would imagine if you just go straight to him with this he'll say you were imagining it and then either he'll improve his behaviour a bit, for a while... or he'll just be more careful not to be unpleasant when you're listening.

Going against the grain a bit here... But abusive men will often seek out single mums with children who are non verbal or have disabilities because 1. The mum is more likely to be "grateful" and not rock the boat and 2. Because the child can't disclose.

Speaking in a different tone of voice when he saw you were awake IS a red flag.
Yes, she needs to learn boundaries, but changing his reaction based on you listening is concerning.

If he was ever alone with her, how would he speak to her and you would never know.

It's not necessarily a huge deal, but I would be keeping an eye out for future red flags that are similar to this.

Imo you are right to be slightly concerned.

If people don’t think it’s a big deal that someone acts differently with their child when they think you’re not aware, that’s on them and their crappy parenting. I’m not going to apologise for being concerned with how other people treat my child.

If your daughter is trying to stuff toys down a persons top I think you’re wrong that a teacher won’t necessarily call crossly to stop, just because it’s an SEN school doesn’t mean kids aren’t taught discipline.

And he did explain why, it was stretching his top? Did you expect him to let her carry on and ruin his clothes?

Thank you for understanding, that’s exactly what went through my head - how would he speak to her if I wasn’t around and in the same room? And if I can’t trust someone with my child then the relationship will never progress, especially because he is aware that DD couldn’t tell me properly if he had been horrible to her