To call partner out on this even if I’m unsure on what happened?

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My partner was at my house a couple of days ago. DD was there too, she is 8. We were all in the living room watching tv and chilling out, but I had quite a bad headache so dozed off on the sofa for a little while.

When I was starting to wake up, I thought I could hear partner telling DD off about something. I think it was along the lines of “not my top, you’re going to stretch it”. When I was fully awake, I realised that DD was trying to put soft toys in the neck of his top, which then what he said made sense.

DD has autism and doesn’t understand certain things, so sometimes she does have to be told not to do things which is absolutely fine. However, the bit that’s bugging me is how he said it - the tone sounded quite harsh and stern rather than asking her politely. When I was awake and she did it again, he then asked her nicely in front of me.

Now to the AIBU bit - I’m not 100% if I heard correctly or if I was still half asleep in terms of the tone being harsh and stern because I can’t remember it clearly and I can’t ask DD what happened because of her communication issues. I do remember starting to wake up and feeling taken a back by it a little bit though and then the being nice when he realised I was awake.

How do I approach this with my partner? Just to add that he is never left alone with DD due to her needs.

You sound like a horrible teacher. You sound resentful of children with SEN. I'm glad you're not my DC's teacher. Her actual teacher is wonderful and nurturing.

There's no way to know for certain how he behaves when you're not around, unless you can somehow monitor him in your absence (cameras? audio recorder?) or pretend to sleep on the off chance that he lets the mask slip. If you don't trust him, that's all there is to it, really. You could be more wary of him and watch out for other signs that he's less patient and gentle than you'd like, but if you're at that point, will you ever trust him?

I don’t think it’s anything to worry about, I do this with my nieces and nephews, if their parents aren’t around I’m more stern as I’m the responsible person for them at that moment.. but if my brother/sister are present and kids are acting up I’ll pull them up gently in front of them to alert them to misbehaviour as they are responsible at that moment .. hope that makes sense ❤️

The amateur sleuths of Mumsnet strike again! OP I think you already know the answer to your own question, you know what you heard and your instinct tells you something is off. Ask him what happened. See what he says. You can tell him you heard him being harsh with her. See what he says and if you still trust him. Sounds like right now you don't and fair enough. Trust your instinct.

Why did you even bother making this post?
Clearly you were firstly not fully aware of what happened and secondly, very tellingly, are one of those parents who don't believe in being a parent. You want to be a friend! Still less will you tolerate another person being the responsible adult
Asking politely, once, fine.That's behaving decently.
But actually, you are not making a request. This is the important bit. A request offers the opportunity to refuse. Matters of discipline do not. They are commands, not requests.
Grow up and behave like the adult.

You forgot to tell her to use a switch or the strap. Now THAT'S grown up discipline.

Hi
I am really sorry people do not get your post and are focusing on the telling off. Perhaps these people have never encountered abusive manipulators.

I think you should listen to your gut.. it is warning you..pay attention to him.. don't leave your child alone with him.

You are right to be concerned.

All the best to you.

I think your over thinking it, I doubt it was anything to do with him being fake or sly. He was probably frustrated and wouldn't of ever of gotten frustrated in the past if you have stepped in

I very harshly told my friends DS off yesterday. I have COPD and I'm recovering from a severe chest infection, I can't breathe properly at the minute

He has a horrible thing of coming behind me and scaring me. It makes my heart go cold and I struggle to catch my breath.

He did it once yesterday and I very harshly told him to stop, he knew I didn't like it and if he didn't stop I wouldn't be spending time with him again. His mum was a short distance away, overheard and came over and told him to stop and he knew I didn't like it

I've never told him off like that before, it definetly was harsh but I'm sick of it.

I'd bet he'd had to tell her numerous times before he got snappy ( doesn't mean she's a bad child or anything. My children are autistic so I get it )

See? You're simply not listening. You've admitted that you weren't fully awake and that you're not sure what you heard, but you seem determined to believe he acted in a way you don't approve of. Why you posted here, I don't know....

This thread is a bit bonkers.
Are people really suggesting that the DP should have lain their passively allowing the dd in his personal space, grabbing at him and shoving toys down his top, while calling across to the OP to wake up and ask that she makes a 'kind' request for the dd to cease this behaviour? What if she didn't want to stop? The dp not allowed any bodily autonomy?

It’s not that the OP thinks the talking to her sternly was wrong. It’s the change in behaviour from when he thought he couldn’t be heard to when he thought he could.

So NOT the tone of voice, but the adjustment in behaviour.

NO. That’s not what the OP or anyone is saying. The whole point is about his change in behaviour. It’s the possibility of him holding himself to different standards with her depending on if he’s observed or not. Of itself this was just a stern voice which is no biggie but the question is ‘could this indicate a propensity to act differently with her depending on if the OP is there or not’ which may or may not be worrying.

Trust your instinct, OP. Always.
It sounds he was revealing his true personality.
Keep your eyes peeled for any other instances for this behaviour.
Perhaps pretend to fall asleep again and see what happens.

I understand what you’re saying, but the point is that the OP says she doesn’t really know whether he was stern then changed

This is one of those peak MN threads where the OP asks if they are BU, everyone pretty much says "Yes", then OP spends ages telling everyone they're wrong.

My favourite genre.

OP name calling and suggesting people have 'crappy parenting' skills while leaving her kid to do whatever they want, in the care of a man she clearly doesn't trust so she can fall asleep is the height of hilarity!

I still can't see why that would be worrying? I absolutely act differently with children if their parents are around vs if I'm alone with them. In the former situation I'm more likely to be Fun Aunty Gannett but if I'm in charge then yes, I am sterner and less likely to put up with nonsense.

As I see it, this relationship is going nowhere. Either OP is right and there is cause for concern- in which case she would be right to end it for the sake of both her and her daughter. Or, she is wrong but clearly does not trust him. If it’s the latter, she should still end the relationship because there is no mileage in any relationship where there is significant distrust in one (or both) sides. It will just make you both miserable sooner or later.

The fact that OP isn’t sure what she heard, but almost immediately jumped to the conclusion that he was being “sly” (when there are other plausible explanations) etc suggests there is lack of trust, rightly or wrongly, on her part. The question of whether she is right or not is almost a moot point.

As I said in an earlier post, I can think of a few reasons why he might have acted the way he did without it being with nefarious intent. For instance, OP does not know what happened before she woke- he might have asked her DD to stop what she was doing a few times and become frustrated when she didn’t do as he requested, and then been quite stern with her. He might then have heard the tone, realised that was a bit of an overreaction and dialled it back. I’m not saying OP is wrong and he absolutely might be everything she’s worried about- I’m just saying I can imagine that there are reasonable explanations for what she think she heard. However, ultimately she just has to trust her instincts because I don’t think there is much point in asking him about the incident if she already doesn’t trust him because whatever he says she won’t believe it.

I don't think you understand how this works. Posters are entitled to disagree with her, she is entitled to disagree with them back. The thread being on AIBU does not entitle you to her capitulation. Are you usually this controlling?

Ah the sweet scent of ableism on AIBU, must be a day ending in a Y.

Op didn't say it was okay, she's asking if it's a red flag that her partner is snippy with her daughter when he thinks she's not listening and sweet as pie when he thinks she is.

For which my vote is yes btw OP. I don't think he likes being around her. I think you are right to be wary.

@Soal

As this thread is almost 4 months old, I guess the Op ditched her boyfriend months ago.

Im autistic and ADHD myself.

This is a zombie thread from months ago. Learn how things work before making comments.

It's a red flag that op allows her child to behave like this. I hope the guy has left her.

Sometimes people forget themselves when they are annoyed. Nobody is perfect OP. I think if it is buggin you this much, maybe have a convo and say something along the lines of "I know my DD can be very challenging and I appreciate all the effort you're making. I just want to double check and make sure we are consistent can you ensure you're doing x. I know you are anyway but I just had to put it out there for my own peace of mind. Also is there a way I can support you because I know it can be difficult sometimes. If it ever gets too much let me know"