To call partner out on this even if I’m unsure on what happened?

[Books1234]

My partner was at my house a couple of days ago. DD was there too, she is 8. We were all in the living room watching tv and chilling out, but I had quite a bad headache so dozed off on the sofa for a little while.

When I was starting to wake up, I thought I could hear partner telling DD off about something. I think it was along the lines of “not my top, you’re going to stretch it”. When I was fully awake, I realised that DD was trying to put soft toys in the neck of his top, which then what he said made sense.

DD has autism and doesn’t understand certain things, so sometimes she does have to be told not to do things which is absolutely fine. However, the bit that’s bugging me is how he said it - the tone sounded quite harsh and stern rather than asking her politely. When I was awake and she did it again, he then asked her nicely in front of me.

Now to the AIBU bit - I’m not 100% if I heard correctly or if I was still half asleep in terms of the tone being harsh and stern because I can’t remember it clearly and I can’t ask DD what happened because of her communication issues. I do remember starting to wake up and feeling taken a back by it a little bit though and then the being nice when he realised I was awake.

How do I approach this with my partner? Just to add that he is never left alone with DD due to her needs.

I think you're looking for trouble for some reason. Autism or not, it's not out of order to ask a child to stop putting toys down your top.

You're being ridiculous to think he should have woken you instead of just addressing the issue then and there. Or, to think he didn't realise you were asleep as this is such a non-issue.

You don't seem to be wanting to listen to people so I'm not sure why I'm even posting. But it sounds like she was being annoying, shoving soft toys up his top. I mean wtf, why would she even be doing that? If he's not close enough to her to be disciplining her (according to you) then she's not close enough to be shoving toys up his top.

You were asleep, which means he was in charge at that point. You want to keep an eye on things, you stay awake.

Plenty of parents parent with "a really bad headache".

Well, somebody needs to tell your child when she is being annoying and it obviously isn't going to be you.

He couldn't talk to you if you're asleep could he! He had every right to tell her to stop.

I get what you’re saying you have misgivings how he was, how he may be in future. When he thought he was observed he put on the nice voice. Issue is what is he like ordinarily? Some Other posters are being deliberately obtuse or just trying to diminish your posts
If you have a hunch or misgivings I’d give him the heave ho. Trust your judgement

I understand just what you’re saying. It’s a bit of a red flag when someone switches their tone/behaviour when they know they’re being observed. I’m not surprised it’s made you uneasy. It must make you wonder if he shares any bond of affection with your dd, or if he is constantly irritated and putting on a smiley front for you.

Aside from the ‘switch’, as you’ve said, it’s not necessarily wrong that he told your dd to stop doing something, if he was cross about it stretching his top(!), but it would make me wonder where his priorities lie. All 8 year olds can be silly, and if he’s not prepared for that, and doesn’t know how to deal with it in a good-humoured way, perhaps family life isn’t for him.

He could perhaps think that you’re too ‘soft’ with dd and initially reprimanded her the way he thinks you should, but dialled it back when you were awake, because he knows it’s not your style. Again, it doesn’t bode well for your dd, or your compatibility.

Just read this bit from OP's posts:

I have no issue with telling DD off, it’s the way his behaviour changed once he was aware of me and now I feel I can’t trust how he would treat DD when I’m not around

Well, then this relationship doesn't have legs does it? In your OP you say you're not sure of what you heard - and tbh, your report of the words and then saying later it was "almost shouting" don't gel. You're shifting the narrative to get responses you want, IMO your relationship is almost over if you're trying to justify your (anonymous) position to strangers on the internet.

There isn’t enough here to know. We just about all speak sternly to our own children after having told them off several times and them not listening, and I also think it’s a perfectly normal thing to do to adjust tone when we are aware of an audience- this could be more the equivalent of a loving but pissed off parent being reminded by the presence of someone else that they try not to yell at their children.

Why are you leaving your partner with your daughter while you sleep, if you don't like the way anyone tells her off apart from yourself and the school? I think if you had an issue with the tone you should have said it there and then.

Sometimes kids need to be spoken to sternly.

OP, having read through this whole thread, it's clear that you just want people to agree with you.

There's little point in posting on AIBU if that's all you're after.

Is this part of a bigger concern OP? Your daughter may be quite challenging to look after and it may not work to bring this relative stranger into your family and expect him to be uniformly understanding and kind to her, especially when you are not there.

Three things strike me here. Firstly, describing things like tone online is very difficult - it is very difficult for other people who weren't there to tell if there was a problem or not.
Secondly, when people are disagreeing with you, it doesn't read like a criticism to me. Merely that you are being protective of your DD, which is completely normal and part of being a good mother, particularly when she has additional needs and the partner isn't her father.
Thirdly, it reads a little to me as though instinctively you feel there is a problem, even though on the surface this issue seems like something and nothing. But only you can know that.

Missing the point spectacularly

The Op has made the point clearly. She is concerned that he is being fake nice to dd when the op is present but perhaps isn't very nice in his manner when the OP isn't around/is asleep.

If you couldn't understand this perhaps forums aren't the best place for you

Funny how half the people on this thread agree with me, which you’ve obviously failed to read, if you can’t be bothered to read people’s replies past page one, and comprehend other opinions I suggest forums aren’t the best place for you :)

If you read it I’m not. Being stern does not equate to shouting. I use my stern voice sparingly for when it’s needed. I try not to shout. Generally when I shout I’ve become somewhat dysregulated and my DC don’t NEED that. In an otherwise attuned relationship and with repair it won’t make a difference but they don’t NEED me to shout unless I’m raising my voice to heard over something else.

@Books1234

I think the fact that initially you said you weren’t sure, then seem more certain that he was “almost shouting”, which is more than a sharp tone- this uncertainty on your part about what happened makes it hard to be sure how to advise on this specific incident.

Personally, I don’t think taking a slightly sharp tone is a big issue on occasion- sometimes it is warranted, especially if it is a big overstep or they have been told to stop already. And sometimes adults get it a bit wrong, especially if they are frustrated- I know I’m not a perfect parent and have over-reacted on occasion. Children won’t be harmed as long as it’s an odd off moment, in my opinion.

You don’t know what had happened prior to you wakening- maybe he was frustrated as he had already asked her not to do something and got a bit annoyed, then realised how it sounded and toned it down? Or maybe you are right, and he is “sly” by speaking to her one way when you are there and another when you aren’t.

But actually, I think whether you are right or wrong on that particular front is largely irrelevant. The issue is that you don’t think, given your uncertainty, thst he should be given the benefit of the doubt. You obviously do not trust him (and I can’t say whether that’s fair or not). You also clearly believe he was wrong to speak to her the way he did- you don’t like it. I think, for both your sake and his, that you should end the relationship because that lack of trust in him is no basis for a relationship, especially one where there is a child involved.

Either you are right- in which case you need to end it for both you and your daughter’s sake. Or you are wrong, in which case he deserves a partner who trusts him enough to either give him the benefit of the doubt, or talk to him about their concerns.

That’s not how it’s gone.

Op: AIBU about X in the context of Y
MN: Yes YABU about Y
OP: No I’m not talking about Y, it’s X I’m talking about.
MN: But you ABU about Y
OP: But I’m not asking about Y - I agree with you about Y, but it’s X I’m asking about.
MN: You aren’t listening. You ABU about Y!

Its bonkers.

It’s not HOW the partner spoke, it’s the shift upon being overheard. It could be nothing. It could indicate that he’d not be a good caregiver to the DD and might be a tiny red flag. We Ignore tiny red flags at our peril. Trust me. I know!!

Speaking firmly to a child when they're behaving badly does not mean you're being "fake" when you're nice to them FGS.

And speaking more firmly to a child when you're the one in charge due to the parent being asleep or absent than when the parent is available to be in charge is not in the least bit a red flag.

How he talked to the child isn’t the potential red flag. It’s the shift. It could be innocent or it could be a tiny red flag. Women should trust their instincts more, not less.

Wow shitty parenting that your child thinks this is appropriate at all. Autism isn't an excuse, in fact you're failing your daughter by making allowances for her. She is a child now but getting in somebodies space, pulling at their clothes and doing things that make them uncomfortable is a major issue. What happens when she's an adult or do you think that kids magically realise what's appropriate when they hit 18? If she bahaves like that as an adult she's going to get smacked.

I hope he leaves tbh because he clearly doesn't even get a say in who touches him or how at your house.

Wow. Calling someone a ‘shitty parent’ is really low. Says a lot more about you than the OP. At no point has the OP said she is ok with the behaviour and has said she tackled it when she’d woken up and clocked it.

Your post is unhelpful, judgemental and unkind.

TBH OP I wouldn't have a man move in with me or leave my child alone with a boyfriend if I had an autistic dd. There's just no way, I just couldn't take the chance. Far too many stories of bad things happening to kids at the hands of their mother's boyfriends.

I fully understand the point you're making, but you've even said you're not entirely sure. The time to have brought this up was then, not now,, when he might not even remember it.

He might have also snapped a little more harshly if you were asleep so not dealing with it, and was getting irritated, before checking himself the next time.

Good.