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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up with dh for not admitting that it's hard to be a sahm?

356 replies

PTA · 09/05/2008 11:04

Long story short, went for a walk on Monday and fell hurting my ankle, went to A&E not broken just very badly sprained, stay off it for 48hrs and no driving.

DH had to take this week off to help with the boys or they were going to miss everything that the normally do. Tuesday ok as quiet day, he enjoyed Wednesday as he got to go to DS2 Downs group, yesterday was really hectic with mothers and toddlers for DH2 and gymnastics for DH1. We also had to enrol DS1 at school, do some shopping and there was and Open University information day that I was really keen to pop into. And then we went to see DH's grandparents.

You would think that he has been having to look after 200 and not two children!!! And I've been helping. He thinks he is hard done by and when I said "welcome to my world" he said that I had it easy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I could kill him. He just doesn't listen and when I pointed out that I do everything that he has been doing plus all the things like cooking and seeing to the washing that I've still been doing he said that I was used to it and while that's true it doesn't make it any easier.

He is away to do the two lots of swimming lessons this morning and you should have seen his face when I explained the timetable.

9.00 take DS1 to nursey

9.30 be in the pool with DS2

10.00 lesson ends, get DS2 washed and dressed and bring back to me

11.15 pick DS1 up

11.30 get DS1 to the pool for his lesson

And I fed DS2 for him, got out DS1 clothes and packed both the swimmingbags!!!!!!!!!!!!

He has also been let off lightly because the weather has been so good. DS1 was pottering about in the garden Tuesday and Wednesday afternoon and did not need amusing or want to got to the park, etc.

But what really, really gets to me is that, despite all this, he won't say, "Good job" or "I don't know how you do this" or anything nice about it. He genuinely thinks that I have it easy and that he has the tough job moving papers about his desk. And I know that he is finding it difficult to cope, so why can't he admit that it's not the easy option staying at home?

On the plus side, it has made me realise that I am going to have to be more careful and loose weight. I hate to think about how things would be if I was laid up for longer and while he was great when DS2 was born and for 9weeks in hospital, but I was always about and my family chipped in and helped.

I know part of it is down to my control freakery but would it really kill him to acknowledge that it is hard to be at home all day?

OP posts:
Journey · 09/05/2008 11:37

Do you appreciate the work he has to do for his job? Do you say "well done" when he has achieved something at work?

Wanting your DH to come out with the statement of "I don't know how you do this" is like saying "Wow you're amazing". Is being a SAHM really that amazing?

As for your children's timetable well you chose it! If it is too demanding then change it.

mumblechum · 09/05/2008 11:42

Your idea of hectic is taking a child to gymnastics/toddler group.

Hmm.

And you think your dh moves papers around on his desk all day.

Right.

OrmIrian · 09/05/2008 11:42

Why do you want him to acknowledge that you have it hard? Yes he should appreciate what you do but that's not the same thing as feeling sorry for you.

VictorianSqualor · 09/05/2008 11:43

I agree with journey.

Also the reason your timetable seems hard for him to do is because he isn't used to it, you should be grateful to him for doing it tbh, I know if DP was home looking after the children things like swimming lessons would go out the window! When I was in hospital last month for my CS DP had to look after the two DC's and I made sure clothes and things were ready for them because he isn't used to it, anymore than I would be able to go into his office and deal with his clients etc because I'm not used to it.

Yes being a SAHM can be demanding, but so can being the main breadwinner and doing a fullt-ime job. In a relationship both parties should appreciate the other.

mrsruffallo · 09/05/2008 11:44

I think a good sahm is an amazing thing actually!!!
I am sure he receives encouragement for his work, as OP should for bringing up their children, which is actually more important in terms of their emotional developement than his paid work.
But I must add that you both sound quite resentful, as if locked in a power struggle over who does more.
If he has problem with you not working, and you feel put upon and unappreciated than maybe it is time for a change.

PosieParker · 09/05/2008 11:52

Jesus Christ, I am always amazed at how people respond to someone looking for a little support. It's like reading that your MIL has replied.
My dp also thinks I do nothing, to a point he's right, but when he takes care of the children he lets them watch a little more TV, play more XBox/Wii games, doesn't seem to hear the shouting, moaning and disputes that I would instantly sort out and seems to only notice once someone is crying the house down, he spends an hour leisurely cooking and presents lunch..........I could go on.
You shouldn't be thankful that he's keeping the timetable either, why shouldn't he? I'm assuming these are all things that you have thought about and you feel benefit your children. I hope that you're appreciative of your dp/dh but I can't think you've ever had to do his job and so would never have the opportunity to see how a day in his life goes to compare but he has and it wouldn't hurt him to be thankful at how you're raising his children.
My dp can be a pain, but if I were in hospital I would not have to plan meals, get clothes out etc for him, I may have to tell him what days the children do particular activities because he's at work and wouldn't know for sure.
YANBU.

zippitippitoes · 09/05/2008 11:54

maybe it would help if you did things differently

i dont think being a sahm is that hard tbh

unless you are running abusiness or caring for someone at the same time

Bumdiddley · 09/05/2008 11:56

Everyone should do what me and dh do.

With second dc he did my job when I was on maternity leave.

He now stays at home with the dd3 and ds20mo.

He knows what I do and I know what he does.

We rarely moan at each other about our lot because we understand the highs and lows of what we do all day

zippitippitoes · 09/05/2008 11:58

if you feel resentful then anything seems hard

if you are contented then it makes it easier

the advantage of being an sahm is that you can plan your day how you want which gives you control and that is good in any job

OrmIrian · 09/05/2008 11:58

posey - the point wasn't that the OP didn't feel appreciated, it was that she seemed to want her DP to know how much she was suffering. Which seems odd. We could all have a competetive whinge about how hard our various lives are but what's the point of that?

VictorianSqualor · 09/05/2008 12:00

Second what zippi says, plus most people that are SAHMs have chosen to be a SAHM and could choose not be.
I don't know as many breadwinners that could choose not to do their job as easily.

PosieParker · 09/05/2008 12:01

It's just quite revealing about the repondents when they offer no constructive advice and attack the OP, why bother?
Personally I think to repair any relatioship we start with ourselves, so perhaps the OP could start by telling her dh that he's done a great job and being appreciative and then it may come back.

PosieParker · 09/05/2008 12:05

I also think that for some, myself included, being a SAHM was not a choice but the right path. I could not/will not and have not left any of my children in a nursery or with a childminder or nanny. I find the whole thing pretty hideous that a babe in arms is something so disposable that you pick up and drop off at your earliest convenience, if my dp had a more flexible job or earnt less then he may have stayed home.
What's wrong with someone wanting their partner to appreciate them, whatever they do?

OrmIrian · 09/05/2008 12:05

It's not a choice for many WOHMs either posey.

VictorianSqualor · 09/05/2008 12:06

Nothing Posie, but maybe the OP should appreciate that her DH is working hard to do her timetable, yet instead she complains about packing the swimming bags

theBOD · 09/05/2008 12:08

"He genuinely thinks that I have it easy and that he has the tough job moving papers about his desk"

well seeing as you hold his work rate in such high regard are you suprised he doesn't shower you with praise and adulation?

Quattrocento · 09/05/2008 12:10

I wouldn't underrate the issue of breadwinner pressure actually. A few colleagues of mine have openly acknowledged the pressure they feel - it's a pretty competitive environment plus there's the effects of a credit crunch - downsizing is gonna happen within the next twelve months - then they have to look for jobs in a smaller market - and they have ALL the financial responsibility for the entire family. It's tough.

zippitippitoes · 09/05/2008 12:12

i was a sahm and i would be lying if i said it was hard

top tip hoover the hall and stairs before dp comes home and

make a nice dinner

moan about some aspect of your day that has been stressful whether it has or not to excuse the fact that you spent half of it having coffee and lunch at a mates house

the hard part is finding yourself unemployable when you eventually want to work again

Original poster
PTA · 09/05/2008 12:12

I take all the points on board, and yes maybe I am being a bit resentful but to be honest, I'm in pain. I could do with a rest and never feel that I get one.

Journey, I do say "well done" if my dh does something well at work and as I have done his job in the past I know that he's not exactly over-burdened in his current post.

Mumbkechum, hectic is not the m&t group, it's the nursery run, the m&t group and the gymnastics all in the same morning and unfortunately Thursday is the only day that they are on.

Thanks for the support Mrsruffallo and posieparker and ormirian the only suffering is this "suffering" ankle.

I do love dh but we all need a moan sometimes!

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 09/05/2008 12:14

sympathy for your pain i injured my ankle on december the first and i have an idea it probably was fractured because it is still not right

PosieParker · 09/05/2008 12:15

I understand that not much is choice once you have children, if you have enough money for one parent to stay at home or not, do you have the mentality to stay at home, would leaving work make you unhappy etc, all pretty valid.
Her husband's position is just as tough as hers, she has to nurture her children and he has to bring home the bread both huge responsibilities and worthy of eachother's admiration. I suspect OP is feeling pretty depressed and was looking forward to her opportunity to get some appreciation from her DH which hasn't happened.

VictorianSqualor · 09/05/2008 12:15

Quattro, you're so right, I personally feel in respects of stress I have it much easier than DP and I'm a SAHM with a month old, a 3year old and a 7year old.

He hates his job, there have been talk lately of redunacies, his manager his a prick so much so that he has started a grievance against him for bullying, and he has to put up with it all because he has the whole financial side of our family to carry.

Iota · 09/05/2008 12:16

zippi - you have just described my day

TheHedgeWitch · 09/05/2008 12:16

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PosieParker · 09/05/2008 12:16

Xposted

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