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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up with dh for not admitting that it's hard to be a sahm?

356 replies

PTA · 09/05/2008 11:04

Long story short, went for a walk on Monday and fell hurting my ankle, went to A&E not broken just very badly sprained, stay off it for 48hrs and no driving.

DH had to take this week off to help with the boys or they were going to miss everything that the normally do. Tuesday ok as quiet day, he enjoyed Wednesday as he got to go to DS2 Downs group, yesterday was really hectic with mothers and toddlers for DH2 and gymnastics for DH1. We also had to enrol DS1 at school, do some shopping and there was and Open University information day that I was really keen to pop into. And then we went to see DH's grandparents.

You would think that he has been having to look after 200 and not two children!!! And I've been helping. He thinks he is hard done by and when I said "welcome to my world" he said that I had it easy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I could kill him. He just doesn't listen and when I pointed out that I do everything that he has been doing plus all the things like cooking and seeing to the washing that I've still been doing he said that I was used to it and while that's true it doesn't make it any easier.

He is away to do the two lots of swimming lessons this morning and you should have seen his face when I explained the timetable.

9.00 take DS1 to nursey

9.30 be in the pool with DS2

10.00 lesson ends, get DS2 washed and dressed and bring back to me

11.15 pick DS1 up

11.30 get DS1 to the pool for his lesson

And I fed DS2 for him, got out DS1 clothes and packed both the swimmingbags!!!!!!!!!!!!

He has also been let off lightly because the weather has been so good. DS1 was pottering about in the garden Tuesday and Wednesday afternoon and did not need amusing or want to got to the park, etc.

But what really, really gets to me is that, despite all this, he won't say, "Good job" or "I don't know how you do this" or anything nice about it. He genuinely thinks that I have it easy and that he has the tough job moving papers about his desk. And I know that he is finding it difficult to cope, so why can't he admit that it's not the easy option staying at home?

On the plus side, it has made me realise that I am going to have to be more careful and loose weight. I hate to think about how things would be if I was laid up for longer and while he was great when DS2 was born and for 9weeks in hospital, but I was always about and my family chipped in and helped.

I know part of it is down to my control freakery but would it really kill him to acknowledge that it is hard to be at home all day?

OP posts:
TheHedgeWitch · 09/05/2008 13:03

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PosieParker · 09/05/2008 13:04

Connie, You are not a SAHM, so how the fuck would you know how hard it is?
I had two small children at home and a baby who NEVER stopped crying unless my breast was in her mouth for eight months. My two boys were struggling to get out on a daily basis and then ensuring everyone's needs were met and then (on the days they went) getting one to a Montessori for a morning session and the other for an afternoon session with lunch in a car the other side of the city was not easy.
Dropping your kids at nursery and having time achieving something with bosses and colleagues who appreciate you with a pay packet at the end of the week, now that's easy.

HereComeTheGirls · 09/05/2008 13:06

TheHedgeWitch - your DS sounds like my DD exactly, its frazzling isn't it!!

conniedescending · 09/05/2008 13:06

herecomesthegirls....I think you'll find that is partof the course for 18mth old children although mine of that age can walk and run! They are into eveything, they are curious, they are always on the go. It's a bit naive to think that your dd must be more active than every other 18mth old!

This goes back to what I was saying, don't make life harder than it has to be. At 18mths she will love helping with the hosuework and see that as playing. Also you don't need to hover over her all the time. Kids do fall and hurt themselves, they do that again and again so I would suggest giving her a bit of space to explore safely and you get a bit of rest!

kittywise · 09/05/2008 13:07

The op only has 2 kids, though. Two kids is NOT hard.

It do get annoyed by women who complain about the men who enable them to stay at home.

TheHedgeWitch · 09/05/2008 13:07

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UnquietDad · 09/05/2008 13:08

I've done it all: part-time work, full-time work, working from home, freelance, SAHD-ing, combinations of the above. Among our friends there are various combinations across the spectrum.

I think what grinds down the partner who works, whether that person is male or female, is the knowledge that they have to do it - they can't just have a "slack day" now and then, especially if they are in an especially competitive industry like finance or especially closely-monitored like teaching.

Also the fact that they have to get out and go to work - it's often not the work so much as the getting up at 6am (half the year in the dark), de-icing the car, travelling to work in all the traffic... and then doing it again at the end of the day. It's also very common to be "at work" in your head even when you are physically not there - if you have targets to meet or reports to do by a certain deadline it can eat into your private/domestic "head-space".

conniedescending · 09/05/2008 13:08

err posieparker I am a sahm

Ledodgy · 09/05/2008 13:08

Kittywise one of her two kids has SN surely that makes it harder and two kids can be hard anyway!

UnquietDad · 09/05/2008 13:08

hedgewitch - he's not your manager. He;s not going to stop your salary if the floor isn't hoovered.

ProfessorGrammaticus · 09/05/2008 13:08

I think one of the OP's children has special needs, though

PosieParker · 09/05/2008 13:09

Well, ignore my last post about you not being a SAHM .
But my daughter 20 months unwatched for two minutes was in an ambulance Monday morning following a fall from one step, very concussed and unable to focus her eyes for 7 minutes.

micci25 · 09/05/2008 13:09

Posie, i have two kids one is his dd1 is not but he took her on and said he wanted to be her dad he is the one who is dead against me trying to initiate contact with her biological dad, who has never bothered with her, and he is the one who doesnt want me to chase up the csa money as he doesnt want to do anything that might encourage dd1's dad to crawl out of the woodwork.

as far he is concerned dd1 is his and he wants her to have nothing to do with her biological dad, his family or his money

so considerng that and the fact that when i met him i told him i didnt want or expect him to take on dd1 or responsibiilty for her, he changed the rules not me by telling her that he was her dad and discipling her etc, which tbh i am pleased about as she now has a dad who loves her as opposed to one who cant be bothered to pick up the phone and find out how she is

so i expect him to contribute financially to look after her and also to spend some time with her and let me have some downtime every now and again! he does treat both kids the same he rarely spends time alone with dd2 either! in fact he has more time for dd1, maybe he is not a baby person!? fair enough but he wanted another a baby and he wanted to take on dd1 is it too much to expect a little help from him now he has what he wants?

HereComeTheGirls · 09/05/2008 13:10

connie - I am not naive at all..I know other 18 month olds and I merely said she is more lively than any I have MET. I didn't say she is livelier than any other 18 month old. People with 18 month olds have also said she is particularly lively. She doesn't love helping with housework because she can't yet due to her motor delay, thanks, but yes, when she can I'm sure it will get easier

And yes, kids do fall and hurt themselves, but when they cant put their arms down properly when falling, like my DD they tend to fall and smash their faces so, yes, I do need to supervise her unfortunately.

Thanks for the advice though.

PosieParker · 09/05/2008 13:10

X posted again.
In all fairness I never found being a SAHM hard, just a little endless some days.

MissingMyHeels · 09/05/2008 13:11

PTA - I would be grateful that my DH had taken the week off if I were you, it's not easy to have a week off with no notice!

Last week I had a bad infection and then partially dislocated my shoulder, DP couldn't get the time off of work so I just had to get on with it.

He may very well appreciate you and acknowledge that it can be tough but people aren't always very good at articulating these things, especially when it is what you always do IYSWIM?

moonlightdrive · 09/05/2008 13:11

I find the mental rather than physical side of looking after children is draining.

The constant arguements,keeping them occupied ,preparing meals and one of them not liking it .

At least at work you get to go to the toilet on your own and don't have someone constantly going "mum" in your ears.

Then there is the guilt side of looking after children are you doing the best for them etc etc.

TheHedgeWitch · 09/05/2008 13:11

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HereComeTheGirls · 09/05/2008 13:12

HedgeWitch - I know the feeling, I'm sure my DD will be exactly like that when she can run around!!

kittywise · 09/05/2008 13:13

Yes it will make it harder, but I still think that if you look after yourself, keep healthy, stay as fit as you can, be organised, get systems that work, then it's certainly not hard work.

I know someone who has one dd. She was always going on about the amount of work she did at home. She honestly thought she was up against it. When she described her busy day I would be amazed. She had it easy.

VictorianSqualor · 09/05/2008 13:13

I really don't see what is so hard about being a SAHM.

I do understand that we don't always get time to get the house in pristine condition Mr.EruvandeAini, and I don't think it is fair of either partner to not totally appreciate what the other goes through, maybe if you spent some time with your wife getting the house to that condition of immaculate you seem to expect it to eb then it would eb easier for her to keep it that way.

HereComeTheGirls · 09/05/2008 13:14

Anyway, I am pretty amazed I feel I have to defend myself for saying my DD appears to be on the lively end of the spectrum of any kids I have met. Not much more to contribute to this thread really

Quattrocento · 09/05/2008 13:14

Well you know, I have never heard of a sahm being fired for not doing the housework properly

Whereas I WILL get fired if I don't meet my billing targets

And that schedule posted up there sounds pretty light to me. Easy in fact. Not that I'm complaining or anything. But there's a certain lack of perspective around this thread ...

OrmIrian · 09/05/2008 13:15

uqd "Also the fact that they have to get out and go to work - it's often not the work so much as the getting up at 6am (half the year in the dark), de-icing the car, travelling to work in all the traffic... and then doing it again at the end of the day." Yes I totally agree. Add to that doing the school run, sorting out dinner and lunchboxes after work and trying to do housework in the space available. Which is what has to be done by any lone parent who works, or any family with 2 working parents. It's not the 'work' or 'the children' that are the problem. It's doing both at the same time.

Niecie · 09/05/2008 13:16

Yes a working person has pressures but I think it is untrue that they can't have a slack day and they do get to have days off sick. I bet if the OP's husband had sprained his ankle and needed to rest that is exactly what he would be doing. He wouldn't be helping with the children or doing anything about the house. I know if my DH is not well he doesn't do anything either. And rightly so, I'm not complaining about it.

But you can't do that as a SAHM parent. There is nobody to take over and there is nowhere to go so more often than not, as the OP has done, you carry on as best you can.