to be fed up with dh for not admitting that it's hard to be a sahm?

[PTA]

Long story short, went for a walk on Monday and fell hurting my ankle, went to A&E not broken just very badly sprained, stay off it for 48hrs and no driving.

DH had to take this week off to help with the boys or they were going to miss everything that the normally do. Tuesday ok as quiet day, he enjoyed Wednesday as he got to go to DS2 Downs group, yesterday was really hectic with mothers and toddlers for DH2 and gymnastics for DH1. We also had to enrol DS1 at school, do some shopping and there was and Open University information day that I was really keen to pop into. And then we went to see DH's grandparents.

You would think that he has been having to look after 200 and not two children!!! And I've been helping. He thinks he is hard done by and when I said "welcome to my world" he said that I had it easy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I could kill him. He just doesn't listen and when I pointed out that I do everything that he has been doing plus all the things like cooking and seeing to the washing that I've still been doing he said that I was used to it and while that's true it doesn't make it any easier.

He is away to do the two lots of swimming lessons this morning and you should have seen his face when I explained the timetable.

9.00 take DS1 to nursey

9.30 be in the pool with DS2

10.00 lesson ends, get DS2 washed and dressed and bring back to me

11.15 pick DS1 up

11.30 get DS1 to the pool for his lesson

And I fed DS2 for him, got out DS1 clothes and packed both the swimmingbags!!!!!!!!!!!!

He has also been let off lightly because the weather has been so good. DS1 was pottering about in the garden Tuesday and Wednesday afternoon and did not need amusing or want to got to the park, etc.

But what really, really gets to me is that, despite all this, he won't say, "Good job" or "I don't know how you do this" or anything nice about it. He genuinely thinks that I have it easy and that he has the tough job moving papers about his desk. And I know that he is finding it difficult to cope, so why can't he admit that it's not the easy option staying at home?

On the plus side, it has made me realise that I am going to have to be more careful and loose weight. I hate to think about how things would be if I was laid up for longer and while he was great when DS2 was born and for 9weeks in hospital, but I was always about and my family chipped in and helped.

I know part of it is down to my control freakery but would it really kill him to acknowledge that it is hard to be at home all day?

if one partner doesnt value the other or puts the other down constantly then they wont be happy wherever they work or dont work etc

I shall happily inform DH that I spent the afternoon sitting under a friend's apple tree, watching our children play in a paddling pool. He will tell me of his traumas with suppliers. I will commiserate.

And yet even with such blatantly opposing experiences, I suspect we will both be happy with our lot.

Well maybe that's why being a sahm isn't a stroll in the park for me because i do EVERYTHING around the home and dp does absolutly nothing accept mowe the lawn. I thought that was what being a sahm was about, doing everything at home and looking after the kids.

i dont usualy come on these threads

but i got terminally bored with holidays in school time and parking and stuff

and sex

Ms Sparkle, it is not my problem if your DH behaves like an arse in your marriage. It doesnt make my life perfect but what I consider to be balanced.

I was simply trying to suggest that maybe I find staying at home easier because I have a husband who considers us to be equals as well?

my exh favourite saying was

"im always bottom of the heap round here"

cue leave for the pub

return bladdered sometime in the next twelve hours

daftpunk
I didn't misunderstand you. i was disagreeing with you

My experience was just differentfrom your. i was a Director at my company, very busy , very challenging work, huge pressure. When I worked after DS1 it was difficult in terms of managing time but i still coped. It was when I was at home full time I really struggled. REALLY struggled. I found it unbeliveably hard and spent many months on the edge of despair thinking i would never cope. But i did.

Different people - different experiences. makes life interesting.
i love being a SAHM too now

Just to reiterate (lest there should be any confusion) I was not saying men are "the boss". As if I could ever get away with that. I was saying some SAHMs seem to speak as if he is their manager and is going to be coming in and "inspecting" their work.

It's possibly very difficult to assert your position as "manager of the home" in an equal partnership if you feel that the non-earning aspect of things is disempowering, as some people do.

(Cue Xenia! )

conniedescending, my dp doesn't behave like an ass. I concider our lives balanced too, just not in the same way as yours. He works, i am a sahm and we both work just as hard as eachother. I don't mind doing his shirts/dinner etc because he works and i have the time at home to do these things. Plus i see as part of my role as a sahm to do all the washing, ironing etc. I don't just pick and choose the easy bits (not saying anyone on here is.)

And you weren't just "trying to suggest," you were being damb right judgemental about "not understanding the hardship of doing a few chores and taking care of your children."

MsSparkle
that is so not my version of SAHM. My dh does loads around the home. We are a team. We help each other. And DS1 does the mowing

i do find these insights into other peoples lives fascinating

pagwatch.

glad it all worked out well for you.

i know every womans experience is different, but being a sahm has been easy for me. my job was nowhere near as intersting as yours, but i still had to get the kids up and ready before rushing off to work. by the time i got home (to a sink full of washing up from the morning) i was shattered. i felt like i was just getting through each day, not really enjoying any of it. now im a sahm everything is going at a slower pace. i enjoy my kids more.

As my dp works all day (5am-5/6pm) and did loads around the house too i would expect people to say to me "what do i do all day?" The whole point in me not working (accept for the reasons earlier) is that my job is to do everything around the house. That's what keeps me busy all day, that and dd. If i didn't do everything, i would have loads of time on my hands to drink tea

Or MN?

As my dp works all day (5am-5/6pm) and if he did loads around the house too

MsSparkle
my DH works from 6.30 until 7.30.
I do most things but I have three children and one has SN. I have a great deal to do. Plus - just as he has a luch break ( some days) and gets to read the paper on the train and occasionally scratches his arse at the coffeee machine talking to a collegue about where they are going on holiday I also expect to meet a friend, read the paper etc etc.
Plus he and I both work all day during the week but I think we equally should have free sghared time at the weekends - so while I wash the school uniforms he will do the big shop. And while I help the kids with their homework, he will cook supper.

And no one says 'what do you do all day' as my reply would be mind your own business.

I am very lucky. DH once had three months between one job and the next. He was able to see the construction of my day and its incessant demands. He is now very very happy to help. I also used to be his boss so I am very aware of the stress and strains of his job.
team work

Mr bAROO You sound a LOT like my ex. You really do. I've read this thread and your wife's thread.

I managed to run on empty for a few years, with no support. Emotional, practical or financial. All I got was a running commentary of criticism.

But one I left!!!!!!! My ex NEVER in a million years thought I had the nerve.

My ex now sits in his tidy house every weekend, watching formula one and football in peace. His beer is where he left it. There are no toys. No noise. No plastic beakers on the draining board. I belief he is f*ing miserable.

DaDaDa on Fri 09-May-08 16:52:54 great post!

DaDaDa, there is some truth in your post. I definitely picked a wrongun. But, everything changes after you have children. The dynamics, the practicalities, the volume of housework!!!!! It is not possible to see with total accuracy how a man will deal with three vomiting children at 3 am when he has to be at work the next day. Some will just roll over and use work as an excuse. It is not THAT easy to sort the wheat from the chaff.

I just mentioned this thread to DP, he said that when he first used to come home and the house wasn't as tidy as he would've liked he would get fed up and think 'oh fgs the least you could have done is hoovered' but since he ahs spent more time alone with the DC's, he knows that even a spotlessly tidy house can go to pot in minutes and you don't always have the chance to tidy it because you have a child that has turned into a whirlwind running around your feet and that now he appreciates how draining it is so anyone that says their DP's don't appreciate them being a SAHP should leave them to do it for a couple of days and add the 'hidden' jobs (the ones no-one sees you have done, like scrubbing the bath or putting the washing on or sewing up torn clothes etc) and see if they still think it's 'easy'.

Oh he also expects me to go and sit in the garden and ignore the washing if it's a nice day, because he would too.

Well, I wouldn't have married a man who got off on being the 'boss' of the home.
FGS, do these stereotypes still exist?
They don't among my friends

I think the reality is that most women at the 'boss' of the home, actually.

Did you see Child of Our Time - most of the children named either their mother or both parents as being in charge but few named their father. Seemed to be regardless of whether the mother worked or not.

If there is some antiquated (sp?) view that the husband is the 'boss' it is clearly not the reality in most homes.