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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be fed up with dh for not admitting that it's hard to be a sahm?

356 replies

PTA · 09/05/2008 11:04

Long story short, went for a walk on Monday and fell hurting my ankle, went to A&E not broken just very badly sprained, stay off it for 48hrs and no driving.

DH had to take this week off to help with the boys or they were going to miss everything that the normally do. Tuesday ok as quiet day, he enjoyed Wednesday as he got to go to DS2 Downs group, yesterday was really hectic with mothers and toddlers for DH2 and gymnastics for DH1. We also had to enrol DS1 at school, do some shopping and there was and Open University information day that I was really keen to pop into. And then we went to see DH's grandparents.

You would think that he has been having to look after 200 and not two children!!! And I've been helping. He thinks he is hard done by and when I said "welcome to my world" he said that I had it easy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I could kill him. He just doesn't listen and when I pointed out that I do everything that he has been doing plus all the things like cooking and seeing to the washing that I've still been doing he said that I was used to it and while that's true it doesn't make it any easier.

He is away to do the two lots of swimming lessons this morning and you should have seen his face when I explained the timetable.

9.00 take DS1 to nursey

9.30 be in the pool with DS2

10.00 lesson ends, get DS2 washed and dressed and bring back to me

11.15 pick DS1 up

11.30 get DS1 to the pool for his lesson

And I fed DS2 for him, got out DS1 clothes and packed both the swimmingbags!!!!!!!!!!!!

He has also been let off lightly because the weather has been so good. DS1 was pottering about in the garden Tuesday and Wednesday afternoon and did not need amusing or want to got to the park, etc.

But what really, really gets to me is that, despite all this, he won't say, "Good job" or "I don't know how you do this" or anything nice about it. He genuinely thinks that I have it easy and that he has the tough job moving papers about his desk. And I know that he is finding it difficult to cope, so why can't he admit that it's not the easy option staying at home?

On the plus side, it has made me realise that I am going to have to be more careful and loose weight. I hate to think about how things would be if I was laid up for longer and while he was great when DS2 was born and for 9weeks in hospital, but I was always about and my family chipped in and helped.

I know part of it is down to my control freakery but would it really kill him to acknowledge that it is hard to be at home all day?

OP posts:
MissingMyHeels · 09/05/2008 13:17

I also find that when DP does get in from work I hand him the baby! Last night he came in and I made dinner for us, then he bathed the baby, fed her and put her to bed whilst I went to the gym.

If we're saying that being a SAHM is hard work then by the same token it must be hard for all the Dads out there who come home and do home stuff like spending the evening with the kids, bathing, cooking etc? They aren't really getting a break either.

MadamePlatypus · 09/05/2008 13:18

I don't think the hard bit of being a SAHP is the practical making meals/getting children from A-B bit. The hard bit is being constantly available to small children, paying attention to their needs, and reacting to their emotions and demands while also trying to ensure that everybody is fed, clothed and cared for.

I think we should all appreciate our partners, whatever they do - if not why be in a relationship at all?

To say that being a SAHP is easy devalues parenting. Surely we all try to ensure that our children are well cared for - I have cared for my children at home and I have delegataed this care to a nursery - at no point have I ever thought the job was 'easy'.

Those of you who describe the OP as 'lucky' and having an 'easy' life, may have skimmed over the fact that she has a child with SN, which makes the decision about returning to work a little more complicated.

Quattrocento · 09/05/2008 13:18

" (working parents) do get to have days off sick."

hollow laugh

TheHedgeWitch · 09/05/2008 13:19

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moonlightdrive · 09/05/2008 13:19

This rguement that 2 children must be easy to look after s opposed to 4 say.

All depends on what the 2 children are like.All children are different nd you could have 4 well behaved children and 2 not os well behaved.

Also the OP has said one of her children has SN which in its self has got to be more difficult.

I have a SN childs as well and in my case as he is getting older he is getting more sensitive ,more demanding,more angry all part of his condition which is hard to deal with most days.

Niecie · 09/05/2008 13:21

"Also the fact that they have to get out and go to work - it's often not the work so much as the getting up at 6am (half the year in the dark), de-icing the car, travelling to work in all the traffic... and then doing it again at the end of the day"

Except as a worker you probably only have yourself to organise. As a SAH parent you have to do that to get your children out the door as well.

That wasn't a very good example. We all have to get up and out during the day, if we have school age children.

My DH boasts he can be up and out the door in 1/2 hour. Fat chance of me being able to do that, even flat out, with two children to organise as well and believe me I don't mess about.

Quattrocento · 09/05/2008 13:22

"a SAHM can't go and sit in the corner of the canteen with a book and her lunch and ignore the rest of humanity for an entire hour."

Clearly I am in the wrong job - I do not recognise your working life at all.

Not even my secretary gets to do that

Where did you work and what did you do?

milou2 · 09/05/2008 13:23

PTA - From reading your OP yes it probably would kill him.

I'm not impressed by his logic either, either he is hard done by, doing part of your job, or you have it easy, doing all of your job. Serious logic problem there!!

My suggestion would be to enjoy your hard job as much as possible (friends, coffees, having fun times, get a tan outdoors) so he can feel envious and look forward to the days when he takes over from you and has a fun but tiring time with the children.

I hope your ankle heals up.

PosieParker · 09/05/2008 13:23

It makes me laugh that OP was talking about being appreciated by her husband and everyone, myself included, has turned this into a SAHM/WOHM debate and which is harder. Can one thing be difficult without comparison?

kittywise · 09/05/2008 13:24

moonlight drive. I don't understand that argument. Are you not in control over the behaviour of your children? SN aside.
The op dose not cite SN as the problem though. She think she's up against it, her husband doesn't.
From what she has described her life is not particularly hectic, it's just that she doesn't welcome her dh's insensitive comment. That's fair enough.

conniedescending · 09/05/2008 13:24

oh FGS, it is up to the parents to make sure they have well-behaved children...thats part of the parenting role....surely!!!!

Well-behaved children don't just happen, it's not luck of the draw.

Not incl. children with SN in the above.

JeremyVile · 09/05/2008 13:24

Quattro - why doesn't your secretary get a lunch break?

kittywise · 09/05/2008 13:25

connie, I like the way you think

FioFio · 09/05/2008 13:26

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UnquietDad · 09/05/2008 13:26

niecie - my point there was to respond to those who think that, if you work, you can just walk out and "leave" everything and that it's easy.

Also, nobody is going to fire you for being a slack SAHM. You don't get written and verbal warnings.

You don't have to do daily/weekly/monthly reports, or timesheets, or indicate that your targets have been met, or justify your existence at a weekly/monthly meeting, or (as I did in the vol-com sector) constantly apply for funding in order to keep your post going.

Actually, that might not be a bad idea.

conniedescending · 09/05/2008 13:27

lol.....seems the more children you have the easier it gets

Quattrocento · 09/05/2008 13:28

She goes out to get a sandwich. Sometimes she gets me one actually, and sometimes I get her one too. Sometimes she does chores, picking up bits and pieces she needs, but mostly we work through

UnquietDad · 09/05/2008 13:28

maybe quattro's secretary, like most people, gets a lunch break which involves popping out for 5 mins for a sandwich which they then eat at their desk, not "sitting in the corner of the canteen with a book and her lunch and ignoring the rest of humanity for an entire hour."

UnquietDad · 09/05/2008 13:28

aha! cross-post, sorry

YouNeverKnow · 09/05/2008 13:29

i personally dont find it hard looking after my girls but........ talking baby talk and it being difficult to get out and have a social life i find very hard and i have bouts of depression. so i can understand when women say they find it draining

FioFio · 09/05/2008 13:29

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CinderellaInCyberspace · 09/05/2008 13:29

If i sit to eat and do not talk ds gets panicky and asks why i am ot talking

JeremyVile · 09/05/2008 13:30

Yes, but she could sit in a corner away from everyone for the duration of her break if she chose to, I assume?

PosieParker · 09/05/2008 13:30

I expect Connie, you don't have time for difficulty... I never did, in fact if you stop and think about whether it's hard or not I expect it is, but because you have to it you have to plough through and enjoy the challenge. As I said my DD1 screamed all day so much so I couldn't visit anyone and people would make short visits and people would ask me how I cope all day with that? I suppose you just do and the odd smile she gave was worth every minute of screaming. I really loved taking my brood to the park. The bits I find hard are all the other things I miss out on but wouldn't give this up.

micci25 · 09/05/2008 13:31

i dont think anyone can say it is not hard, it depends upon the person, if you are not naturally maternal, like me, i love my kids and would never change them for the world, but before dd1 i hated kids i was never one to coo over other ppls babies. then it can be hard.

i find house work boring and unrewarding and it really gets me down when i spend all day cleaning up then dp comes in stating that the house is a mess and throwing his coat wherever it lands, leaving the washing up for me to do because he has a hard day at work and i have been playing with kids all day!!

being at sahm does have its rewards and i love the time i spend with my kids but i do find that sometimes it feels like you are stuck in a relentless never ending circle of chores, meal times nursery runs dance classes etc with no one to help and no thanks as your dc's are too young to realise what you do for them! you never have a minute to yourself and need to plan every night out with exact precision just to make sure you have enough time to get the kids fed, bathed and to bed and get yourself ready on time and even if you manage accomplish that you still cannnot let go and be yourself again for the night as you are constantly aware that you have to get up the next day at 6:30am and do it all over again but with a hangover and sleep deprivation!!

if you are working you can arrange the day off if you dont feel upto it but as sahhm you cant its all day every day!

maybe the op like many of im sure feels like she is not 'herself' anymore she is just someones mum!! and would like some one to recognise exactly how much she does so that it seems worth it