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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for Not going to a wedding I rsvped yes too.

245 replies

Noweddingformeow · 15/02/2025 04:47

Another wedding one.
I was part of a close friendship group of four women, each a pair of best friends that spent a lot of time all together.

One friend got engaged and is only having the other three as bridesmaids, my best friend is dating the grooms best friend so this makes sense.
I was disappointed but just had to get on with it, I offered to help with the planning etc. It’s been 8 months since the engagement and I have only seen the other three four times and the last they just talked about the wedding and experiences they had with out me so I wasn’t part of the conversation. I gave up asking to catch up with them a while ago because they were always doing wedding stuff and I was told no. I have spent time with another friend who is going travelling, the person she was going with can’t go now and I have been asked to go instead. But I would have to miss the wedding to go ( dates can’t be changed).

I sent a text letting the bride know I am no longer able to attend the wedding and I got back pages and pages on text saying disappointed she is as we are such close friends, and that I can just miss her wedding and she booked her hens weekend assuming I would be there.

I just want to scream. The cost of the hens weekend and cost for going to the wedding will nearly be as much as half of the holiday.

I want to write back, we aren’t really friends anymore. I felt like I was pushed out the group a while ago, so I moved on.
I wish you all the best in your celebrations, but I won’t be attending.

OP posts:
deeahgwitch · 15/02/2025 08:55

MogwaiAfterMidnight · 15/02/2025 05:20

Sounds like your feelings for them have died and they killed it. I'd be off on holiday instead too.

This.
💯

SuperTrooper14 · 15/02/2025 08:59

Dogthespot · 15/02/2025 07:02

You thought it was a group of 4
they thought it was a group of 3

This. ^

I think your so-called best friend within the group is even worse than the bride for excluding you. When you get a message from her today – which you will, because the bride will deploy her flying monkeys to berate you into changing your mind so you can cover the hen night cost – you need to say that, separate to the wedding, you feel like she's pulled away from the friendship and now you are choosing to do the same.

Enjoy Thailand!

Funnywonder · 15/02/2025 08:59

Did the bride herself ever make any reference as to why you were excluded from the bridal party? If not, then perhaps she doesn’t think the group of four is as tight a unit as you do? Maybe she just saw you as one of many friends she didn’t choose as a bridesmaid. In any case, if they are all wittering on about wedding plans in your company, then that’s not on and I can see how it would make you feel hurt and excluded. The trip to Thailand is a separate issue. You want to go. It clashes with your friend’s wedding. I think it’s completely fine to explain that this wonderful opportunity has come along and that you won’t be able to attend the wedding. I would be careful, though, about not attending the hen party as it doesn’t clash with the holiday. I can absolutely see why you don’t want to go - more wedding talk, the expense - but you agreed to go and, increased costs for everyone else aside, the bride will view this as a massive snub. You may have to kiss the friendship goodbye, not just with the bride, but with the other two, who will inevitably see you as the villain.

Matronic6 · 15/02/2025 09:00

Newlittlerescue · 15/02/2025 08:17

But OP hasn’t paid and is well within her rights to not agree to a spa day. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea. It looks like others had similar thoughts and therefore also cancelled. And besides, two week’s notice is still plenty of time.

I don't think the fact no one has paid yet means morally she's okay to pull out - I assume after the first flurry of declines (4 months ago in my made-up scenario 😉), the organiser felt confident enough in the non-flakiness of the few remaining hens that she could go ahead and book, without demanding payment up front.

Declining now - 2 weeks before - means everyone else will have to pay more (the OP states that that she believes they only invited her to keep the costs down, so she knows this is the case). I believe that's poor form.

Actually, none of it hinges on whether OP initially agreed to or not. It depends on the hotel cancellation policy. If the hotel allows cancellations up 2 weeks before, then OP can cancel.

If the others have to pay more in this case it's be because they need 2 rooms for four guests. That is simply not OP's problem. I think it'd be very hypocritical for them to blame OP for it rather than their own behaviour.

HiptotheHopp · 15/02/2025 09:01

ExtraOnions · 15/02/2025 08:46

People are struggling with the numbers here .. there are not 5, there are 4.

One bride, 3 friends
of these 3, 2 are bridesmaids .. to match the two groomsmen (one of the bridesmaid is dating one of the groomsmen)

There bride is very excited and talks about the wedding a lot (of course)

A hen was booked .. which OP didn’t decline at the time for being “expensive”. This is in 2 weeks, so I would think already paid for ??

OP has seen her (ex) friends at least 4 times in the last 8 months.

OP has had a better offer, and feels the need to create reasons to accept that offer, by changing the narrative on things that have happened over the past couple of months.

It’s ok to change your mind, you don’t have to make your (ex) friends sound like total bitches for doing relatively normal stuff. You must have known the Bride would be upset, hence the letter not the face to face.

Emjoy Thailand, but don’t demonise your (ex) friends, I’m not sure they have done much wrong.

It still doesn't make sense. If it's four, how can it be the bride and three bridesmaids plus op? And she says two pairs of best friends, but makes no mention of her best friend and she doesn't actually seem close to any of them ...

Silvertulips · 15/02/2025 09:04

OP has explained a group of 4 - her best friends and the bride and her best friend

How can 1 typo detail the thread where the subject matter is OP feeling hurt and rejected and up for an expensive Spa day she didn’t agree to go on?

The point OP needs help with is the current situation, not nitpicked over numbers which in all fairness is irrelevant. ,m

user1471538283 · 15/02/2025 09:05

Oh again brides spending other people's money for them! I don't get why it has to be such a big deal and so expensive for everyone.

The bride would have been better only having one bridesmaid. It's cruel to leave you out and then expect you to help with organising.

Drop the rope and enjoy Thailand!

JaneBoleynViscountessRochford · 15/02/2025 09:05

Just go and travel OP, move on, they aren’t your friends really anyway so why bother if you offend them? Friendships come and go, weddings are only a big deal to the couple so yeah the bride will be pissed off but who cares? If you feel they have been treating you badly and you are happy for the friendships to end then it doesn’t matter.

Just as a random aside though I don’t get why it takes so much effort to plan a wedding that there is non stop wedding chat for 8 months? Granted mine was a very small affair organised within 3 weeks but I’ve worked at loads and loads of weddings (student life) and attended more than I care to remember and they are all usually all pretty much cookie cutter experiences.

SALaw · 15/02/2025 09:11

I would just reply sorry, your plans have changed. After the wedding they might go back to being normal and you might want the friendship, or they might not or you might think stuff them but don't make the decision now in anger.

Viviennemary · 15/02/2025 09:11

I'd usually say don't cancel. But in the circumstances you describe you should go on holiday with your friend. You have been excluded from their meetings. Let them crack on without you but you need to be prepared for the friendship to end.

Cherrysoup · 15/02/2025 09:13

Bridezilla! I would definitely not go, she can’t sincerely expect you to given you have been excluded/ignored this year. I can’t understand the whole madly expensive hen do/destination wedding (even tho this wedding isn't) Like a fool, I went on a spa hen do many years ago, cost a fortune, was 5 hours’ drive.

RampantIvy · 15/02/2025 09:13

It looks like a lot of posters are making up their own narrative re the hen do.

The OP said that she thought it was a meal out so she agreed to go, then it was sprung on her that it was an expensive spa weekend that loads of people dropped out from due to the expense.

From the OP's posts it is clear that the nature and cost of the weekend wasn't discussed with anyone before it was booked, so I don't agree that the OP should be guilt tripped into going.

It strikes me that, as with a lot of scenarios on mumsnet threads, there has been a lack of communication between all parties.

SerafinasGoose · 15/02/2025 09:21

Noweddingformeow · 15/02/2025 05:12

I’m going to Thailand.
The wedding is in three months, the hens is in two weeks. I had said ages ago that I would go to the hens, but they booked an insanely expensive spa weekend and didn’t check with me first. No one else is going due to the cost and I think they only wanted me to go so it’s cheaper.

I think the reason I was excluded was because the bride was so excited to be in the lime light she wanted everything to be about the wedding. Even an exercise class once a week was done in a bride to be top. Her fiancé was only going to have two groomsmen so that was more because of him that I wasn’t in the wedding.

Attend another tedious hen do and identikit wedding, or go travelling to the far east? Absolute no-brainer; you'd be a fool not to!

Growlybear83 · 15/02/2025 09:23

I think they have been extremely unkind and thoughtless and towards the OP and I would be very hurt if it was me. But I have to question how close the friendship group really is - do people really only see their best friends so infrequently? I don't know if I've misunderstood but why is the hen night taking place 2.5 months before the wedding? I thought hen and stag nights were meant to take place immediately before the wedding.

Anxioustealady · 15/02/2025 09:24

I think you're taking everything a bit too personally OP.

It sounds like she wants 2 bridesmaid to match her fiances 2 groomsmen, so she has her best friend and her friend who's in a relationship with the best man.

She talks about the wedding a lot and... wore a top saying bride to be to an exercise class. So what? How does that hurt you?

Some people when they get married or pregnant are all about that one issue for a while, it's a bit annoying but in long term friendships, it eventually passes so you just deal with it for a bit.

They don't need to consult you either about the hen do. You'd rather go for a cheap meal, well it's not your hen do. You should have said no when the expensive spa trip was first mentioned if you didn't want to go, not 2 weeks before.

Oioisavaloy27 · 15/02/2025 09:26

Definitely go travelling.

user6432879631 · 15/02/2025 09:27

Sat about in uncomfortable clothes in a drafty church or trip of a lifetime? No brainer OP!
The bride hasn’t included you so don't give it a moments thought. You’ve canceled in time for them to inform caterers etc so wish them well and move on.

Topsy44 · 15/02/2025 09:28

YANBU. Please go travelling instead!!!

Bushmillsbabe · 15/02/2025 09:34

Growlybear83 · 15/02/2025 09:23

I think they have been extremely unkind and thoughtless and towards the OP and I would be very hurt if it was me. But I have to question how close the friendship group really is - do people really only see their best friends so infrequently? I don't know if I've misunderstood but why is the hen night taking place 2.5 months before the wedding? I thought hen and stag nights were meant to take place immediately before the wedding.

I was thinking this too, they are usually max a month before the wedding. Although I guess that if the attendees work in jobs where it's hard to get time off, then they might need to adjust that to make it work for all.
Or if it's a specific event which is only on once. My DH went to Oktoberfest for his stag, and our wedding was early November, so it was about a month prior

StScholastica · 15/02/2025 09:36

Glad you are going travelling and glad that you were polite in your text to the bride.
I don't think they have purposefully excluded you, they have just got caught up in the ridiculous fiasco that is modern wedding planning.

Never burn your bridges (however flimsy they are) is a good motto.

nodramaplz · 15/02/2025 09:38

Taking everything out of the equation!
Any one has the right to change their mind!

I wish you all the best in your celebrations, but I won’t be attending.
*
This is all you need to reply with ⬆️*

HRTQueen · 15/02/2025 09:38

Go on holiday

You have been pushed out and really I don’t think you would enjoy the hen weekend

when it gets to this level of self absorbed wedding fever it’s not fun for anyone apart from the bride it’s fall outs and drama who wants to be involved in that

some friendships just fizzle out it feels sad at the time but it’s life and you will find new friends

have a wonderful time in Thailand

Scottishskifun · 15/02/2025 09:39

Enjoy your travelling OP you definitely did the right thing and it's really poor form to not tell you the Hen do plans were a spa upfront so you could decide on cost upfront!

FWIW one of my oldest friends didn't attend our wedding as she had decided to go travelling. My response was that sounds like the trip of a life time send me pictures and have a amazing time! She's still my friend 10 years on.

Weddings can become all absorbing to people but mainly the bride. If you get any backlash simply respond with whilst this is obviously the most important thing to the bride at this point in time and I hope she has everything she has wished for, its not the most important aspect in my life and I won't be turning down a trip of a lifetime to attend one day.

RampantIvy · 15/02/2025 09:39

She talks about the wedding a lot and... wore a top saying bride to be to an exercise class.

Don't you think wearing a B2B top to an exercise class several months before the wedding somewhat OTT? I do.

I agree that modern wedding planning is such a self absorbed fiasco these days.

WillIEverBeOk · 15/02/2025 09:40

Noweddingformeow · 15/02/2025 05:38

Thanks. I sent the text. I used yours @AnnoyedAsAllHeck

I hope they actually stop and look back at the last 8 months and realise I am right before getting too upset.

That text was weak as piss, sorry, and didn't address anything. You should have told her the truth. I would have text back saying
'you clearly don't consider me as such a close friend considering you didn't choose me as a bridesmaid. I have been pushed out of the group and none of you have any time for me anymore and whenever we meet up its all about wedding plans that I am left out of, so its painful. I am sad that I thought we were closer than you obviously did. I cannot afford the hens, and I have been completely pushed out of the group so I don't see the point of attending the hens or the wedding. Sorry, but you clearly have made your choice.'