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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for Not going to a wedding I rsvped yes too.

245 replies

Noweddingformeow · 15/02/2025 04:47

Another wedding one.
I was part of a close friendship group of four women, each a pair of best friends that spent a lot of time all together.

One friend got engaged and is only having the other three as bridesmaids, my best friend is dating the grooms best friend so this makes sense.
I was disappointed but just had to get on with it, I offered to help with the planning etc. It’s been 8 months since the engagement and I have only seen the other three four times and the last they just talked about the wedding and experiences they had with out me so I wasn’t part of the conversation. I gave up asking to catch up with them a while ago because they were always doing wedding stuff and I was told no. I have spent time with another friend who is going travelling, the person she was going with can’t go now and I have been asked to go instead. But I would have to miss the wedding to go ( dates can’t be changed).

I sent a text letting the bride know I am no longer able to attend the wedding and I got back pages and pages on text saying disappointed she is as we are such close friends, and that I can just miss her wedding and she booked her hens weekend assuming I would be there.

I just want to scream. The cost of the hens weekend and cost for going to the wedding will nearly be as much as half of the holiday.

I want to write back, we aren’t really friends anymore. I felt like I was pushed out the group a while ago, so I moved on.
I wish you all the best in your celebrations, but I won’t be attending.

OP posts:
Ezlo · 15/02/2025 04:51

YANBU. What a mean thing they've done excluding you when you were a group of four. The fact that bridezilla has sent you a long text back means it's all about her. You deserve better. Enjoy your travels! Can I ask where you're going? I love travelling!

LizzoBennett · 15/02/2025 04:56

Well, if you don't care about remaining in that friendship group at all then crack on. Your friend is obviously not going to forgive you for opting to travel instead. That doesn't make it right.

Life is too short to spend time with people that do not care about your feelings. It was obviously inconsiderate to isolate you from the friendship group in that way. My guess is jealousy, but this is simply based on the fact that she is still very keen for you to be there on the day despite ostracising you. It's as if she wants to rub it in your face.

MissBattleaxe · 15/02/2025 04:59

Good for you. Many weddings are an egocentric circus these days. You could almost forget a groom was even part of it! Enjoy seeing the world. The memories will last a lifetime.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 15/02/2025 05:02

It’s ok to cancel with reasonable notice. Not at the last minute.

CollaterlieSistersSister · 15/02/2025 05:04

One friend got engaged and is only having the other three as bridesmaids, my best friend is dating the grooms best friend so this makes sense.

Am I being thick, but presumably you mean the other two as bridesmaids? So why was the other woman chosen?

doodahdayy · 15/02/2025 05:06

I doubt there will be a friendship after this but it sounds like it's dying anyway. Cancel if you aren't bothered

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 15/02/2025 05:07

YANBU but think about whether you want to send that particular message which would be the end of all four friendships and be a bitter ending. You could just focus on the opportunity of the holiday, difficult decision etc and let the friendships fade if that’s what you want.

RickiRaccoon · 15/02/2025 05:09

You're allowed to not to a friend's wedding and even change an RSVP if you give them plenty of notice. It's just a day. It obviously can have repercussions with certain groups. I'd talk to the other bridesmaid-friends and get those take on it.

Original poster
Noweddingformeow · 15/02/2025 05:12

I’m going to Thailand.
The wedding is in three months, the hens is in two weeks. I had said ages ago that I would go to the hens, but they booked an insanely expensive spa weekend and didn’t check with me first. No one else is going due to the cost and I think they only wanted me to go so it’s cheaper.

I think the reason I was excluded was because the bride was so excited to be in the lime light she wanted everything to be about the wedding. Even an exercise class once a week was done in a bride to be top. Her fiancé was only going to have two groomsmen so that was more because of him that I wasn’t in the wedding.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noweddingformeow · 15/02/2025 05:14

I don’t think there would be much of a friendship after this beyond lunch together once a year anyway.

OP posts:
MogwaiAfterMidnight · 15/02/2025 05:20

Sounds like your feelings for them have died and they killed it. I'd be off on holiday instead too.

Heidi2018 · 15/02/2025 05:25

Personally I think you want to go on the holidays and now are kinda coming up with excuses to blame the bride. I think the reason I was excluded was because the bride was so excited to be in the lime light she wanted everything to be about the wedding. I don't understand this being a reason??
(Side note... I also don't understand how they were doing wedding stuff all the time, my bridesmaids pretty much just have to show up on the day 😅)
edit to add. Sorry I get it now. I originally thought you meant excluded from the bridal party but now realise you meant excluded from the meet ups. Sorry!

You are now better friends with this holiday person. Just go on the holiday with them and cut your losses with the other group that you've fallen out of love with. Enjoy the trip.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 15/02/2025 05:25

Noweddingformeow · 15/02/2025 05:12

I’m going to Thailand.
The wedding is in three months, the hens is in two weeks. I had said ages ago that I would go to the hens, but they booked an insanely expensive spa weekend and didn’t check with me first. No one else is going due to the cost and I think they only wanted me to go so it’s cheaper.

I think the reason I was excluded was because the bride was so excited to be in the lime light she wanted everything to be about the wedding. Even an exercise class once a week was done in a bride to be top. Her fiancé was only going to have two groomsmen so that was more because of him that I wasn’t in the wedding.

They didn't include you on any planning but expect you'll show up to help spread the cost around/ Forget that!

I would be kind when I write back and just say, "Circumstances have changed for me. I will no longer be able to attend the hen do or the wedding. I'm sure it will all go fine, and you'll all have a wonderful day. I wish you the very best going forward and hope you have the wedding of your dreams. Fondly, Noweddingformeow"

Then go and have the trip of a lifetime!

farmlife2 · 15/02/2025 05:33

The trip sounds like a great opportunity. I'd do that. Maybe you'll get closer to this other friend on the trip, since the other lot don't seem to be set to be close going forward.

Original poster
Noweddingformeow · 15/02/2025 05:38

Thanks. I sent the text. I used yours @AnnoyedAsAllHeck

I hope they actually stop and look back at the last 8 months and realise I am right before getting too upset.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 15/02/2025 05:46

I wouldn’t be going on the hen do either. They will probably just bully and ignore you unfortunately, chats about the wedding etc.

You could tell her she has shown how little she values you as a friend as you’ve been completely ousted from the friendship group under the guise of wedding planning. That it is apparent the aesthetics of her wedding are more important than your friendship and you value yourself higher than that. Then say you won’t be attending the hen.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/02/2025 05:46

Oh I didn’t refresh. Well done for sending the text.

Zusammengebrochen · 15/02/2025 05:48

I think you're giving them plenty of notice, regardless of your reasons.
Go and enjoy the holiday.

FatAgain · 15/02/2025 05:51

Jump on that plane and don’t look back! Well done!

ModernLife1sRubbish · 15/02/2025 06:00

CollaterlieSistersSister · 15/02/2025 05:04

One friend got engaged and is only having the other three as bridesmaids, my best friend is dating the grooms best friend so this makes sense.

Am I being thick, but presumably you mean the other two as bridesmaids? So why was the other woman chosen?

I came to say the same. The maths doesn't work and I'm getting vibes from the holiday cottage / spare bedroom(s) thread!

Group of 4 friends

1 getting married
3 bridesmaids
1 excluded
Equals 5

ExitPursuedByAPolarBear · 15/02/2025 06:02

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 15/02/2025 05:25

They didn't include you on any planning but expect you'll show up to help spread the cost around/ Forget that!

I would be kind when I write back and just say, "Circumstances have changed for me. I will no longer be able to attend the hen do or the wedding. I'm sure it will all go fine, and you'll all have a wonderful day. I wish you the very best going forward and hope you have the wedding of your dreams. Fondly, Noweddingformeow"

Then go and have the trip of a lifetime!

Show quote history

This is such a perfect response! I’m glad you sent this – it’s polite, firm, and lets you move on without drama. Enjoy your holiday @Noweddingformeow. Thailand is going to be amazing! I love Thai food 🍜🥭🥥🥢.

Original poster
Noweddingformeow · 15/02/2025 06:02

ModernLife1sRubbish · 15/02/2025 06:00

I came to say the same. The maths doesn't work and I'm getting vibes from the holiday cottage / spare bedroom(s) thread!

Group of 4 friends

1 getting married
3 bridesmaids
1 excluded
Equals 5

Show quote history

Sorry. Four friends. Was a group made up of two pairs of best friends. Three in wedding including bride.

OP posts:
ExitPursuedByAPolarBear · 15/02/2025 06:04

Noweddingformeow · 15/02/2025 06:02

Sorry. Four friends. Was a group made up of two pairs of best friends. Three in wedding including bride.

Show quote history

It sounds like you were the fifth wheel in the group, and I don’t blame you for moving on. Enjoy your holiday – it sounds like the better choice!

Zanatdy · 15/02/2025 06:06

I wouldn’t hesitate to go travelling instead. Does she really think you will not go just because of her wedding? So self absorbed.

The hen - assume it will be more expensive now for the remaining hens, but i’d feel very excluded as they will only be chatting wedding stuff you’re not interested in given it’s only them. Have you paid for it already? I think the friendship has soured anyway, so go travelling and enjoy yourself

ModernLife1sRubbish · 15/02/2025 06:07

Thank you for clarifying. Yes that must be very hurtful. Well done for sending the text.