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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for Not going to a wedding I rsvped yes too.

245 replies

Noweddingformeow · 15/02/2025 04:47

Another wedding one.
I was part of a close friendship group of four women, each a pair of best friends that spent a lot of time all together.

One friend got engaged and is only having the other three as bridesmaids, my best friend is dating the grooms best friend so this makes sense.
I was disappointed but just had to get on with it, I offered to help with the planning etc. It’s been 8 months since the engagement and I have only seen the other three four times and the last they just talked about the wedding and experiences they had with out me so I wasn’t part of the conversation. I gave up asking to catch up with them a while ago because they were always doing wedding stuff and I was told no. I have spent time with another friend who is going travelling, the person she was going with can’t go now and I have been asked to go instead. But I would have to miss the wedding to go ( dates can’t be changed).

I sent a text letting the bride know I am no longer able to attend the wedding and I got back pages and pages on text saying disappointed she is as we are such close friends, and that I can just miss her wedding and she booked her hens weekend assuming I would be there.

I just want to scream. The cost of the hens weekend and cost for going to the wedding will nearly be as much as half of the holiday.

I want to write back, we aren’t really friends anymore. I felt like I was pushed out the group a while ago, so I moved on.
I wish you all the best in your celebrations, but I won’t be attending.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noweddingformeow · 15/02/2025 06:08

@Zanatdy No I hadn’t paid. I thought we were just going out for dinner

OP posts:
Channellingsophistication · 15/02/2025 06:10

Yes go travelling instead you have given them plenty of notice not to attend the wedding and with regards to the hen, they hadn’t checked with you anyway about the arrangements/costs, so you don’t need to go. Life is too short.

Onthemaintrunkline · 15/02/2025 06:11

I admire your courage. How many would have simply gone on the hen’s do rather than offend by declining. Good on you! You’ve done the right thing. To think the choosing and selection of this spa was done without asking for your input and discussing price is not just unbelievably rude, its hurtful. Go to Thailand, have the time of your life.

MotorwayDiva · 15/02/2025 06:12

Yanbu, she deprioritised you in her wedding, you are now putting yourself first for your holiday, good for you. Have a great time in Thailand.

Butterbean21 · 15/02/2025 06:18

I was in a similar situation. A group of 4 friends and they were all my bridesmaids. Admittedly there was some distance between us but we were still on the surface friends and I was the only one not a bridesmaid. I didn't go to the wedding, I found an excuse while was probably quite flimsy but I think I had to protect myself a bit and I know I would have found it really tough and I didn't want to make the day about me.

For what it's worth we are years on from there and back to being very close but it took a very long time.

I don't blame you at all and i think I would do the same thing in your situation, also to invite the 4 of you only to the hen but not have you as a bridesmaid is quite cruel. Maybe time to evaluate the friendship. I'm sorry you are going through this, it's very hurtful.

ZekeZeke · 15/02/2025 06:18

Perfect response! Don't be surprised if you get a barrage of messages from the others in the group.

Life is too short to spend time and a lot of money with people who don't value your friendship.
Go and have a wonderful holiday.

ThejoyofNC · 15/02/2025 06:23

Honestly I would go ahead and go to Thailand. Even if I wasn't, I wouldn't be going to an expensive hen just to spread their costs.

That being said, you could have communicated the way you were feeling. Even if not with the bride, then with your other 2 'friends' who have dropped you over a wedding.

LAMPS1 · 15/02/2025 06:31

If you agreed to go out for dinner for the hen but then they changed it to an expensive spa break without discussion with you, you are perfectly entitled to decline the hen celebration. And you gave plenty of notice for the wedding. W
You have done the right thing for yourself OP, but don’t expect the others in the wedding party to be happy about it.

ExitPursuedByAPolarBear · 15/02/2025 06:32

ThejoyofNC · 15/02/2025 06:23

Honestly I would go ahead and go to Thailand. Even if I wasn't, I wouldn't be going to an expensive hen just to spread their costs.

That being said, you could have communicated the way you were feeling. Even if not with the bride, then with your other 2 'friends' who have dropped you over a wedding.

While I understand the need for that @ThejoyofNC, and of course it’s completely up to OP, but that just will invite more drama. Besides, your username seems quite apt and perhaps OP will experience more joy from going NC 😋? Joking aside, if OP’s friends reflect on their own actions and reach out to ask or apologise, then perhaps OP could communicate how she feels. That won’t change the past and it might change how they go about things in the future and the onus should be on the friends to reach out and make an effort – particularly after they have been behaving like mean girls.

Chickenwing2 · 15/02/2025 06:45

Have you not discussed your feeling outed from the group with your best friend?

I would also go travelling but would tell the truth about the true reason/how you have felt.

MyDeftDuck · 15/02/2025 06:51

"I want to write back, we aren’t really friends anymore. I felt like I was pushed out the group a while ago, so I moved on.
I wish you all the best in your celebrations, but I won’t be attending."

Then just do it! You have clearly been excluded for weeks despite offering to help and to be honest, the way they've all treated you is just cruel.

Enjoy the travelling holiday......you deserve it.

queenmeadhbh · 15/02/2025 06:56

ExitPursuedByAPolarBear · 15/02/2025 06:04

It sounds like you were the fifth wheel in the group, and I don’t blame you for moving on. Enjoy your holiday – it sounds like the better choice!

Show quote history

I think she means 4 friends including her. So it’s her, her best friend, the bride, the bride’s best friend. The bride chose her own best friend and OP’s best friend as bridesmaids, so only 2 bridesmaids.

OP, the bride is behaving like a spoilt brat but have you spoken to your best friend about it? Are you still closer to her than bride and her best friend?

BeethovenNinth · 15/02/2025 06:57

YAnBU. Go on holiday!

a similar thing happened to me years ago - not invited to a hen do before a wedding. I was really hurt as everyone else went from our group and I never found out why. In the end I didn’t attend thr wedding. No regrets but the friendship was over

ExitPursuedByAPolarBear · 15/02/2025 06:58

@MyDeftDuck OP already messaged. It’s still early in the morning so perhaps it hasn’t been seen yet. That said, I agree with you that that OP’s friends’ behaviour was cruel. Sometimes friendships just change over time, but it doesn’t justify things and perhaps weddings do make some people into bridezillas.

YourGoldHedgehog · 15/02/2025 07:00

I’m not sure I think you are the wronged party here OP. You weren’t selected as a bridesmaid (due to groomsman numbers), you assumed dinner to celebrate a hen (is your bride-to-be a low-key friend who would be happy with dinner only, or was a spa weekend more up her celebration as the type of person you know her to be?).

You are second choice in a trip to Thailand with another friend and went ahead and said yes. You say the engagement is for 8 months and you saw the bride/bridesmaids four times since. That does seem like a reasonable amount of outings for a friendship group taking everyone’s busy lives into account.

I’m thinking YABU and just want to do your own thing. It’s ok you don’t want to go to the wedding. I think though if you choose to cut a friendship you need to own the decision. You don’t have to be friends with them but they have been reasonable to you.

*Edited to say YABU and I would not have sent the text.

Dogthespot · 15/02/2025 07:02

You thought it was a group of 4
they thought it was a group of 3

Dogthespot · 15/02/2025 07:05

@Butterbean21 but we were still on the surface friends and I was the only one not a bridesmaid but perhaps they were more than “surface” friends with each other

Dogthespot · 15/02/2025 07:07

Supposedly OP is meant to be best friends with one of this group of friends but makes no reference to ever actually talking to her about this situation

all very odd

Dogthespot · 15/02/2025 07:09

Noweddingformeow · 15/02/2025 05:38

Thanks. I sent the text. I used yours @AnnoyedAsAllHeck

I hope they actually stop and look back at the last 8 months and realise I am right before getting too upset.

Of course they won’t op
you are assuming you’re “right”

WhatNoRaisins · 15/02/2025 07:09

These days opportunities for meaningful friendship and exciting experiences can be thin on the ground. You've not been treated well by the wedding friends so I would do what you think will serve you best here. I hope the trip to Thailand is a positive experience.

Silvertulips · 15/02/2025 07:12

I’m thinking YABU and just want to do your own thing. It’s ok you don’t want to go to the wedding. I think though if you choose to cut a friendship you need to own the decision. You don’t have to be friends with them but they have been reasonable to you

Wow - are you the bride?

OP has been excluded, bit they want her there for her cash? Really think that’s acceptable? OP has been hurt buy this woman and he so called friends.

Why should OP ‘do her own thing’ it’s her life and her money and she doesn’t own these woman anything -

Silvertulips · 15/02/2025 07:13

Have you text your best friend?

Oblomov25 · 15/02/2025 07:14

You've already chosen. You do talk about the bride nastily, wanting to hog the limelight (that is normal, not bridezilla), exercise class. You do have the money, for the insanely expensive spa, you are just choosing to send it on going to Thailand instead. That's fine, but it's not that you don't have the money, you do, so just own it, your choice.

Starseeking · 15/02/2025 07:15

I wouldn't continue to try and be part of a group that I'd been excluded from just to spread the cost either! Well done you for putting yourself first ❤️❤️❤️

crockofshite · 15/02/2025 07:17

Sounds like the bride wants room meat to pad out the photos and dance floor and to spread the cost of the hen

Three months is plenty of notice to decline.