Page 3 | AIBU for Not going to a wedding I rsvped yes too.

Noweddingformeow · 2025-02-15T04:47:15+00:00

Another wedding one. I was part of a close friendship group of four women, each a pair of best friends that spent a lot of time all together. One friend got engaged and is only having the other three as bridesmaids, my best friend is dating the grooms best friend so this makes sense. I was disappointed but just had to get on with it, I offered to help with the planning etc. It’s been 8 months since the engagement and I have only seen the other three four times and the last they just talked about the wedding and experiences they had with out me so I wasn’t part of the conversation. I gave up asking to catch up with them a while ago because they were always doing wedding stuff and I was told no. I have spent time with another friend who is going travelling, the person she was going with can’t go now and I have been asked to go instead. But I would have to miss the wedding to go ( dates can’t be changed). I sent a text letting the bride know I am no longer able to attend the wedding and I got back pages and pages on text saying disappointed she is as we are such close friends, and that I can just miss her wedding and she booked her hens weekend assuming I would be there. I just want to scream. The cost of the hens weekend and cost for going to the wedding will nearly be as much as half of the holiday. I want to write back, we aren’t really friends anymore. I felt like I was pushed out the group a while ago, so I moved on. I wish you all the best in your celebrations, but I won’t be attending.

Newlittlerescue · 15/02/2025 07:17

I can just about understand that if you've got a once in a lifetime opportunity to travel, you would pull out of a wedding that is 3 months ahead, but there is no reason you can't go to the hen do in two weeks' time. Will you still be paying for your share of the costs incurred?

RampantIvy · 15/02/2025 07:20

Oblomov25 · 15/02/2025 07:14

You've already chosen. You do talk about the bride nastily, wanting to hog the limelight (that is normal, not bridezilla), exercise class. You do have the money, for the insanely expensive spa, you are just choosing to send it on going to Thailand instead. That's fine, but it's not that you don't have the money, you do, so just own it, your choice.

The bride's behaviour at the exercise class sounds pretty narcissistic to me TBH.

@Noweddingformeow I'm confused about no-one going to the hen do because of the cost. Has it been cancelled then?

I was also thinking that it was good that people were putting their foot down about an expensive hen do.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 15/02/2025 07:20

Newlittlerescue · 15/02/2025 07:17

I can just about understand that if you've got a once in a lifetime opportunity to travel, you would pull out of a wedding that is 3 months ahead, but there is no reason you can't go to the hen do in two weeks' time. Will you still be paying for your share of the costs incurred?

Why would she go to the hen, and OP has already explained about no costs incurred and not agreeing to go in the first place

farmlife2 · 15/02/2025 07:21

Newlittlerescue · 15/02/2025 07:17

I can just about understand that if you've got a once in a lifetime opportunity to travel, you would pull out of a wedding that is 3 months ahead, but there is no reason you can't go to the hen do in two weeks' time. Will you still be paying for your share of the costs incurred?

She doesn't have to. She thought she was going to pay her share of a dinner. The costly spa was booked without running it by her. No reason she should have to pay for something she didn't agree to.

Vie8126 · 15/02/2025 07:21

@Noweddingformeow enjoy your holiday!

I had exactly the same was in a group of 4 with one getting married. No conversation about wedding planning or bridesmaids took place in the group chat but then one day my Facebook was filled with the other two girls receiving ‘will you be my bridesmaid’ boxes and it was clear I was left out. I never raised it with the bride as her day her choice but I did feel crappy as we had always been the closest two. When the invites come out I queried who was invited as was not clear and bride said just me she didn’t have space to have any of us girls husbands. We all fell out sometime before the wedding (over something else) but I heard from a mutual friend that the other girls did all have partner invites and was just me that didn’t. We still don’t speak and I am happy with my choice as felt they wasn’t true friends after everything that happened. You will have the most amazing time in Thailand!

WhistPie · 15/02/2025 07:21

Newlittlerescue · 15/02/2025 07:17

I can just about understand that if you've got a once in a lifetime opportunity to travel, you would pull out of a wedding that is 3 months ahead, but there is no reason you can't go to the hen do in two weeks' time. Will you still be paying for your share of the costs incurred?

She hadn't been consulted about the hen venue or costs. Why should she go when nobody asked her if it was in her price range?

You might be happy with other people spending your money, I wouldn't be!

MyDeftDuck · 15/02/2025 07:22

ExitPursuedByAPolarBear · 15/02/2025 06:58

@MyDeftDuck OP already messaged. It’s still early in the morning so perhaps it hasn’t been seen yet. That said, I agree with you that that OP’s friends’ behaviour was cruel. Sometimes friendships just change over time, but it doesn’t justify things and perhaps weddings do make some people into bridezillas.

Yes......sorry, I can see that now. Far too early for this 'old birds' brain. 😊
I very similar thing happened to me too last year. A 'so called friend' offered lifts to 2 others to go to a craft fair - at the time we were sitting in group and I clearly heard the conversation and she knew it; I wasn't driving at the time due to recent surgery and my partner had an appointment so couldn't take me. She didn't invite me and I was so hurt. Why are some people so bloody cruel and insensitive???

EsmeSusanOgg · 15/02/2025 07:23

Newlittlerescue · 15/02/2025 07:17

I can just about understand that if you've got a once in a lifetime opportunity to travel, you would pull out of a wedding that is 3 months ahead, but there is no reason you can't go to the hen do in two weeks' time. Will you still be paying for your share of the costs incurred?

The OP said they booked a very expensive place without checking with her first. So in that circumstances, not going on the hen is reasonable.

MyDeftDuck · 15/02/2025 07:23

And for clarity......there was room in the car for an extra passenger.

HopingForTheBest25 · 15/02/2025 07:24

I don't think it's polite or acceptable for a bride to make every get together and activity about her wedding. If it happens a lot then it's just the normalising of rude and selfish behaviour. Of course the wedding is massively important to the bride, but grown ups and generally decent people recognise that their friends also have things going on in their lives that they want to share, so don't monopolise all conversation! And decent people usually have social awareness and the manners not to constantly talk about an event that has noticeably excluded one member of the group.

I think it's good that you are doing the trip - it would be madness to give up an event you really want to go to, for the sake of people who haven't considered your feelings at all. And who want you to reduce their costs.

I wouldn't be overly blunt about it - I like the reply upthread about your circumstances changing and you wish her the best. Keep it dignified and maybe when the bride gets her head out her arse in the future, the friendship might be salvageable.

Dogthespot · 15/02/2025 07:26

8 months
you’ve seen the bride 3 or 4times (you can’t remember?), one of which was an exercise class?

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 15/02/2025 07:27

I got back pages and pages on text saying disappointed she is as we are such close friends, and that I can just miss her wedding and she booked her hens weekend assuming I would be there

The bride can’t have it both ways. They made you feel really left out so you have decided she isn’t as much of a priority for you as she used to be. People need to learn that how you treat someone affects your ongoing relationship with them.

Skymadeofdiamonds · 15/02/2025 07:27

Interesting comments with no adult wanting to be excluded and the bride is a bridezilla for doing that.

On the thread about DC's being excluded out of socialising from a group by a parent, some alleged nobody is entitled to anything and it's completely decent behaviour.

But not okay when done to them.

I'd probably go not to spoil her day but equally fine to cancel and give her the reason. Friendship-ending though. She didn't treat you well or fairly but it's up to you whether you care enough to carry on, depends on the relationship and what else is going on in your life. If you want an assessment of her behavior, yes it's horrible.

daisychain01 · 15/02/2025 07:27

You owe them nothing, and you've already indicated you aren't going. Believe me, they won't notice you aren't there, they couldn't care less. Painful but true.

I sent a text letting the bride know I am no longer able to attend the wedding and I got back pages and pages on text saying disappointed she is as we are such close friends, and that I can just miss her wedding and she booked her hens weekend assuming I would be there.

oh the hypocracy - the only reason she's kicking off is that, gasp, you are rejecting her summons to the Wedding of the Year. How very dare you. Yawn!

it sounds like the dynamic of the group was doomed from the start - two pairs of friends and you. Really easy to get pushed out in the cold.

Organisedwannabe · 15/02/2025 07:29

Your wrong to cancel the hen do with only two weeks notice.

It doesn’t matter what happens now I think the friendship with them over.

Newlittlerescue · 15/02/2025 07:30

I had said ages ago that I would go to the hens, but they booked an insanely expensive spa weekend and didn’t check with me first. No one else is going due to the cost and I think they only wanted me to go so it’s cheaper.

OP will have to clarify how long ago they told her it was going to be a spa weekend. The point at which to decline (citing the increased costs) would be the following day, not two weeks before the event, irrespective of everything else going on in this scenario.

stampin · 15/02/2025 07:33

@daisychain01 2 pairs of friends including OP.

WaltzingWaters · 15/02/2025 07:35

Given the circumstances you’ve absolutely done the right thing. How cruel and self absorbed of all your friends. Has the friend who was supposedly your best friend not reached out at all? I’d be tempted to tell them how left out you feel, not that you weren’t a bridesmaid as such, but that because of that you’ve been pretty much completely excluded from the friendship for the past 8 months because of it.

The hen do was awful too - switching from dinner out to an expensive spa trip without asking you. Good on you for saying no.

Go to Thailand. It’s so beautiful there. Enjoy the delicious food. Have an amazing time!

Idontjetwashthefucker · 15/02/2025 07:35

Organisedwannabe · 15/02/2025 07:29

Your wrong to cancel the hen do with only two weeks notice.

It doesn’t matter what happens now I think the friendship with them over.

Nah, OP never agreed to an expensive spa place, she's not wrong not to go

ExitPursuedByAPolarBear · 15/02/2025 07:37

@stampin So that would mean OP would be one of five friends. Two pairs of friends plus OP would be 5. I’m not great with maths but it made sense to me, plus OP did confirm in one of her posts so that further confirmed that my maths was correct 😋.

LillyPJ · 15/02/2025 07:37

YANBU. You've been polite and circumstances have changed. It won't spoil the wedding if you're not there. Go on the holiday with your friend and enjoy yourself.

WhistPie · 15/02/2025 07:43

ExitPursuedByAPolarBear · 15/02/2025 07:37

@stampin So that would mean OP would be one of five friends. Two pairs of friends plus OP would be 5. I’m not great with maths but it made sense to me, plus OP did confirm in one of her posts so that further confirmed that my maths was correct 😋.

From OP

Sorry. Four friends. Was a group made up of two pairs of best friends. Three in wedding including bride.

Three in wedding including bride plus OP equals four

daisychain01 · 15/02/2025 07:43

stampin · 15/02/2025 07:33

@daisychain01 2 pairs of friends including OP.

One friend got engaged and is only having the other three as bridesmaids, my best friend is dating the grooms best friend so this makes sense.

I read the OP a couple of times and the way it was worded was confusing, but I took it that the OP wasn't part of the two pairs - one friend got engaged and the other three in the group would be her bridesmaids, which led me to believe the OP got left out of being a bridesmaid.

LemonViewer · 15/02/2025 07:45

I had a sort of reverse of this! I was engaged and planning my wedding, something small. I had two 'close' friends who were my bridesmaids. They both really wanted to be involved and sort of made it all about them. They dictated a lot of things, one started a huge silly argument on my hen do, they were really demanding over bridesmaid dresses which I was paying for and they both chose with very little input from me aside from the (very neutral) colour. They both wanted to bring their new boyfriends, no problem I said. I booked a nice hotel for night before the wedding but they were both acting so selfish I just felt stressed. When I arrived at my wedding they left me in the car and got out to take selfies. Then they basically went off and got drunk with their bf's and left me to it. Another friend who I hadn't seen much of in recent years took over and helped me out. We became much closer after that and I felt bad that she hadn't been my bridesmaid and enjoyed the nice hotel together. I later found out that she'd had to organise all the hen do as my 'bridesmaids' were being difficult. This was 10 years ago, I had a lovely wedding but my only regret is all the photos are these two people that I'm not really friends with anymore plus their random boyfriends! Friendships shift, we change and grow. Sometimes it's hard at the time and it can feel like you want to make the friendship work but it's equally important to set boundaries and follow our own path. I would DEFINITELY go to Thailand and enjoy your self. If you feel these friendships have reached the end send a polite explanation and just move on.

ShillyShallySherbet · 15/02/2025 07:48

On the surface and going by the information you’ve given here YANBU and it sounds like you should let this friendship go. You say that one member of this group is your best friend though, have you discussed how you’re feeling with her and does she think you’re being unreasonable? I think I’d be talking to my best friend who knows the situation from all angles before asking a load of strangers on the internet.