AIBU for Not going to a wedding I rsvped yes too.

[Noweddingformeow]

Another wedding one.
I was part of a close friendship group of four women, each a pair of best friends that spent a lot of time all together.

One friend got engaged and is only having the other three as bridesmaids, my best friend is dating the grooms best friend so this makes sense.
I was disappointed but just had to get on with it, I offered to help with the planning etc. It’s been 8 months since the engagement and I have only seen the other three four times and the last they just talked about the wedding and experiences they had with out me so I wasn’t part of the conversation. I gave up asking to catch up with them a while ago because they were always doing wedding stuff and I was told no. I have spent time with another friend who is going travelling, the person she was going with can’t go now and I have been asked to go instead. But I would have to miss the wedding to go ( dates can’t be changed).

I sent a text letting the bride know I am no longer able to attend the wedding and I got back pages and pages on text saying disappointed she is as we are such close friends, and that I can just miss her wedding and she booked her hens weekend assuming I would be there.

I just want to scream. The cost of the hens weekend and cost for going to the wedding will nearly be as much as half of the holiday.

I want to write back, we aren’t really friends anymore. I felt like I was pushed out the group a while ago, so I moved on.
I wish you all the best in your celebrations, but I won’t be attending.

The hen do was awful too - switching from dinner out to an expensive spa trip without asking you. Good on you for saying no.

Again, we need the OP to clarify, but I doubt it was a last-minute switcheroo. I expect the scenario was 8 months ago "yeah, of course I'll come to the hen" (thinking in head it would be a evening meal). Four months ago, the bridesmaid in charge of hen do sent email to a group of 15 odd people saying "right, for hen do we plan to go to a spa, as that seems to be what bridezilla wants. These are dates, this is cost". The OP says lots of people declined at that point due to cost. She didn't. She's declined today, 2 weeks before event.

@MyDeftDuck No problem. You’re not at all an old brain 😋 It’s easy to miss things especially in the early hours of the morning ☕️. Especially seeing as there was room in car for an extra passenger, it does sound very rude and insensitive. I just think people have lost sight of good manners. And it is a form of bullying to openly exclude someone in an almost passive aggressive way.

YANBU missing the wedding. But I would keep your dignity and not respond in a hostile way to her message. Just send a brief reply saying you’re sorry if it upsets her feelings but you feel you have been excluded from the wedding plans and thus won’t be that sorely missed. But you wish her all the best.

But OP hasn’t paid and is well within her rights to not agree to a spa day. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea. It looks like others had similar thoughts and therefore also cancelled. And besides, two week’s notice is still plenty of time. OP has also given 3 month’s notice for not attending the wedding so nothing seems that last minute. The message sent was polite and dignified. Perhaps after the wedding mania dies down, things might be salvaged individually or as a group, if people reach out and apologise etc. Or OP might prefer to simply enjoy the Thailand trip and move on with her life.

This happened to me (not asked to be bridesmaid etc) but the difference was I said sorry I can’t make it and sent a lovely gift. Bride send me a lovely thank you card and didn’t guilt trip me about not going. Twenty years on we have a great friendship.

Something very similar happened to me years ago. The realisation that I wasn’t classed as ‘important’ as the other girls stung a lot. I knew it was down to cost, numbers etc, but wow, it hurt my feelings. I was more cross with myself for thinking I’d be included and overestimating the friendship.

If you feel the friendship is over, going to Thailand is great! I’d be honest with yourself tho and think were you left out as acutely as you think (4 meetings is alot tbf, I bet I meet my best childhood friends 4 times in a year!) or are you hurt and upset and that’s clouding your judgement!

So you didn’t go to the wedding even as a guest? Why?

Of course it’s about her! It’s her wedding duh!

I presume out of the 4 you are the least close to the the bride? I have a friendship group with a similar dynamic, 2 sets of “best” friends apologies hate that term, I’m closer to two of them than the other. So bride has asked her best friend and your best friend as connection to the groom also? Personally I would still go to the hen to not burn bridges over something like this but go travelling. Then explain that you felt excluded over the last 8 months of the friendship. Do you still see your best friend from the group?

But OP hasn’t paid and is well within her rights to not agree to a spa day. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea. It looks like others had similar thoughts and therefore also cancelled. And besides, two week’s notice is still plenty of time.

I don't think the fact no one has paid yet means morally she's okay to pull out - I assume after the first flurry of declines (4 months ago in my made-up scenario 😉), the organiser felt confident enough in the non-flakiness of the few remaining hens that she could go ahead and book, without demanding payment up front.

Declining now - 2 weeks before - means everyone else will have to pay more (the OP states that that she believes they only invited her to keep the costs down, so she knows this is the case). I believe that's poor form.

The experience of the last meet up, where the talk was all wedding and OP was left out, is likely to be repeated at the hen. For that reason alone the OP is justified for pulling out.

The hen is in two weeks? Sorry I missed that. I think you should either go to that or pay your share if you’re not going. Unless she has literally just assumed you are going and you’re only just finding out about it with two weeks notice.

Fair enough to not go to the wedding with three months notice and let the friendship with the bride dwindle, but dropping them all in it for the hen (which presumably you’ve agreed to go to) will mean you stand to lose all your friends including your best friend.

The correct time for OP to cancel the hen do was whenever she realised it was too expensive for her, so whenever she found out how much it was costing. But anyway, it's done now!

I don’t like this kind of behaviour. I think it’s insensitive and uncaring to do this to someone.

I get the bride’s choice is her choice but I don’t agree with all meet ups being focuseed around this. I’d be personally uncomfortable with doing this to someone.

Enjoy your holiday. It sounds fantastic.

Has your best friend spoken to you about the wedding situation? Just wondering if she’s noticed that you’ve been left out and has discussed it with you.

It’s been 8 months since the engagement and I have only seen the other three four times and the last they just talked about the wedding and experiences

how often would you usually see them?

PS I would have said from the start about the hen weekend being too much but not sure when you got to know prices / agreed.

You could just be kindly honest with the bride

Something along the lines of “I enjoy your friendship but know you are closer to the other 3 and that the most important thing for you is to have them at the wedding and the Hen. Had the dates for the wedding worked I’d have loved to share your day with you but something has come up. This isn’t the same as one of your wedding party dropping out. On the day you won’t even notice that one guest couldn’t make it. I’ll look forward to seeing the photos afterwards. The Hen do isn’t within my budget sadly but again I hope you all have a fab time and perhaps we can all meet up for a glass of champagne before the wedding instead”

Generally, yes, I agree. However, if it's since OP agreed to go that she's been left feeling like the outsider while they all have conversations that shut her out and are insensitive, I can understand why she would back out of paying a fortune to go somewhere for more of the same. I wouldn't want to pay for that either. Under the circumstances, I might not care that it inconvenienced them.

I'm assuming the bride isn't your best friend? [You mention two pairs of best friends]. I think just be really clear with bride that you want her to have a wonderful day but you've dropped out partly because you had this really exciting opportunity but mainly because you've felt excluded at every stage, which has made you realise the others don't care about you as much as you care for them.

Numbers of bridesmaids and groomen don't have to match. I have 2 very close friends, and another 3 who I am less close to, all same group, but clearly a 3 and a 3. So I had the 2 closest only as bridesmaids as couldnt pick between other 3. My husband had a best man and 2 groomsmen, so 3 total.
1 bridesmaid walked back down aisle with best man
2 groomsmen walked back down together
1 bridesmaid walked down holding the 2 flower girls hands

Me and our other close friend werent bridesmaid for our 3rd close friend, her mum and mil hounded her in picking her sister in law and sister, they made her life hell, and we said, 'we just want whats best for you, go along with it to make your life easier, we wont be offended and will still be there for all your bride stuff'.
We did the wedding dress shopping with her, organised the hen do, helped make wedding favours etc. We had the last laugh as the dress MOB picked for bridesmaids was horrendous 🤣

Just because you weren't a bridesmaid, doesn't mean she couldnt have included you in all the wedding pre activities. The fact that she didn't tells you about her priorities. I would go on the holiday and have a great time

People are struggling with the numbers here .. there are not 5, there are 4.

One bride, 3 friends
of these 3, 2 are bridesmaids .. to match the two groomsmen (one of the bridesmaid is dating one of the groomsmen)

There bride is very excited and talks about the wedding a lot (of course)

A hen was booked .. which OP didn’t decline at the time for being “expensive”. This is in 2 weeks, so I would think already paid for ??

OP has seen her (ex) friends at least 4 times in the last 8 months.

OP has had a better offer, and feels the need to create reasons to accept that offer, by changing the narrative on things that have happened over the past couple of months.

It’s ok to change your mind, you don’t have to make your (ex) friends sound like total bitches for doing relatively normal stuff. You must have known the Bride would be upset, hence the letter not the face to face.

Emjoy Thailand, but don’t demonise your (ex) friends, I’m not sure they have done much wrong.

They probably won't, so brace yourself and gracefully stand your ground.

How much ‘wedding stuff’ can they be doing? People like this make me laugh. 😂 My maid of honour (only had the one) and I our wedding stuff consisted of going to a dress shop and we looked at some dresses and I said I was thinking like these sorts of styles and these sorts of colours and she was like yeah, I like these too. And then we went out to lunch and for drinks. And then she turned up to the rehearsal 6 months later.

I wasn’t marrying her. 😂 why would we need to plan our wedding together? I planned the actual wedding with dh because it the celebration of the start of our lives together. I can’t even say I really talked about that planning with anyone but my mum and that’s because she was paying the bill.

Absolutely go to Thailand. I had lots of friends who couldn’t come to my wedding (I got married where I live not in my home country) and a few who had to pull out on the day. No big deal. I don’t even think about it now. You’ll have a wonderful time in Thailand though.

Your post makes things a bit clearer. I didn't realise that the person getting married isn't op's best friend.

Even so...it is still a bit weird that they left op out, but perhaps the bride also has other friendship groups with individuals who are more important to her.

On the other hand...surely any human being with an iota of empathy would notice that they were leaving Op out of things?

But perhaps...the friendship group of four might not meet up that often so the bride didn't give it a second thought.

I give up!