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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for Not going to a wedding I rsvped yes too.

245 replies

Noweddingformeow · 15/02/2025 04:47

Another wedding one.
I was part of a close friendship group of four women, each a pair of best friends that spent a lot of time all together.

One friend got engaged and is only having the other three as bridesmaids, my best friend is dating the grooms best friend so this makes sense.
I was disappointed but just had to get on with it, I offered to help with the planning etc. It’s been 8 months since the engagement and I have only seen the other three four times and the last they just talked about the wedding and experiences they had with out me so I wasn’t part of the conversation. I gave up asking to catch up with them a while ago because they were always doing wedding stuff and I was told no. I have spent time with another friend who is going travelling, the person she was going with can’t go now and I have been asked to go instead. But I would have to miss the wedding to go ( dates can’t be changed).

I sent a text letting the bride know I am no longer able to attend the wedding and I got back pages and pages on text saying disappointed she is as we are such close friends, and that I can just miss her wedding and she booked her hens weekend assuming I would be there.

I just want to scream. The cost of the hens weekend and cost for going to the wedding will nearly be as much as half of the holiday.

I want to write back, we aren’t really friends anymore. I felt like I was pushed out the group a while ago, so I moved on.
I wish you all the best in your celebrations, but I won’t be attending.

OP posts:
Chillibeds · 15/02/2025 09:40

Absolutely right to go travelling.
No comparison at all.

Where once a wedding might have been a nice day out, now between the hens and fuss it is the cost of a decent holiday doing something you would choose.

Too much IMO.

SheridansPortSalut · 15/02/2025 09:41

Noweddingformeow · 15/02/2025 06:02

Sorry. Four friends. Was a group made up of two pairs of best friends. Three in wedding including bride.

Show quote history

Here's where you lose me.

If you want to go on holiday then go on holiday. Don't be so petty as to make it about you being right and her being wrong.

Edit: that was the wrong quote.

"I hope they actually stop and look back at the last 8 months and realise I am right before getting too upset."

Scottishskifun · 15/02/2025 09:41

Bushmillsbabe · 15/02/2025 09:34

I was thinking this too, they are usually max a month before the wedding. Although I guess that if the attendees work in jobs where it's hard to get time off, then they might need to adjust that to make it work for all.
Or if it's a specific event which is only on once. My DH went to Oktoberfest for his stag, and our wedding was early November, so it was about a month prior

Show quote history

The cost of some of the hen dos along with time availability of people being off often means hen and stag dos are now a few months in advance as people need to save up for both!

The last hen do I was invited to was going to cost 1k for 4 days and that was just travel, hotel and 2 booked activities.....I politely declined that one!

LlynTegid · 15/02/2025 09:42

Three months notice, reasonable to me.

Convolvulus · 15/02/2025 09:44

If the bride makes any more of this, I would suggest pointing out that you don't seem to have been in any way essential to the group or the wedding over the last few months when they have been regularly meeting up without you, that's fine, you're happy to leave them all to crack on and enjoy it.

WillIEverBeOk · 15/02/2025 09:45

The hens 'night' (as it used to be) lasts longer than the entire wedding day these days, people have their priorities all fucked up. Whatever happened to dinner at restaurant or having a nice night out somewhere? Women these days are really immature and want things for hens that are totally batshit unreasonable.

Anxioustealady · 15/02/2025 09:45

RampantIvy · 15/02/2025 09:39

She talks about the wedding a lot and... wore a top saying bride to be to an exercise class.

Don't you think wearing a B2B top to an exercise class several months before the wedding somewhat OTT? I do.

I agree that modern wedding planning is such a self absorbed fiasco these days.

I do and I wouldn't do it myself (I had a low key wedding and HATED the attention and questions about plans. Didn't even have a hen do), but I have friends who would like to be the centre of attention and do all those things.

That's just who they are, I wouldn't hold it against them and I'd want them to have the bride experience they wanted. I wouldn't make a big drama in the run up to their hen or wedding either.

Onelifeonly · 15/02/2025 09:46

If she really cared, she would have had three bridesmaids including you (assuming there are 2, not 3, as in your first post) or at least given you another role in the wedding (a reading, for example). Her nasty response is further evidence of her poor attitude towards you.

If I were you, I'd take the offer to go travelling, foster new friendships and forget about this group - or at least, the bride, since the others may not be at fault. Can you meet each separately?

Sunnydiary · 15/02/2025 09:46

Like PO I am a bit confused about where your best friend is in all this? Surely you have discussed with her? What does she say?

You don’t have to attend the hen. If you don’t feel close to bride any longer, don’t attend the wedding.

OMGitsnotgood · 15/02/2025 09:47

. If you get any backlash simply respond with whilst this is obviously the most important thing to the bride at this point in time and I hope she has everything she has wished for, its not the most important aspect in my life and I won't be turning down a trip of a lifetime to attend one day.

I'd tone that down a bit but also couldn't resist having a bit of a dig;

"It's unfortunate that my opportunity for a trip of a lifetime has coincided with such an important day for you and I'm sorry to miss it. You will be surrounded by lots of other guests so I'm sure you won't miss me, and of course you have your bridesmaids A & B to tend to your every need. Have a wonderful day'

Bamboozledbylife · 15/02/2025 09:48

They expect you to pay for a spa weekend without notification of the costs before booking?
Errrm no thank you....
You've an amazing opportunity. Grab it and go.

SerafinasGoose · 15/02/2025 09:52

YourGoldHedgehog · 15/02/2025 07:00

I’m not sure I think you are the wronged party here OP. You weren’t selected as a bridesmaid (due to groomsman numbers), you assumed dinner to celebrate a hen (is your bride-to-be a low-key friend who would be happy with dinner only, or was a spa weekend more up her celebration as the type of person you know her to be?).

You are second choice in a trip to Thailand with another friend and went ahead and said yes. You say the engagement is for 8 months and you saw the bride/bridesmaids four times since. That does seem like a reasonable amount of outings for a friendship group taking everyone’s busy lives into account.

I’m thinking YABU and just want to do your own thing. It’s ok you don’t want to go to the wedding. I think though if you choose to cut a friendship you need to own the decision. You don’t have to be friends with them but they have been reasonable to you.

*Edited to say YABU and I would not have sent the text.

Edited

Wanting to 'do your own thing' is not unreasonable. A rare opportunity has come along here, and were I the bride and OP my friend I'd positively encourage her to take it.

As for the 'second choice' observation, friendship dynamics have evidently undergone a shift since then. OP is now closer to the travelling companion. I don't tend to think in terms of hierarchies, but if it's being framed as a competition then she wasn't even third or fourth choice when it came to close members of the wedding party.

OP has given plenty of notice that she's revoking her acceptance. And given she wasn't even consulted about the significant cost of the 'hen', she is absolutely within her rights to decline that, too.

A graceful bowing out with a plausible explanation, whether the wedding party happens to like it or not, is entirely the reasonable course of action here and this is what OP has done. Histrionics and scorched-earth severing of friendships are not remotely necessary.

HotCrossBunplease · 15/02/2025 09:55

Definitely right move to draw a line under the wedding.

But is the relationship with your best friend salvageable even if the other two are no longer worth bothering about? What was it about her that made you consider her your “best friend”? Was it mutual?

Alwaystired23 · 15/02/2025 09:56

MyDeftDuck · 15/02/2025 07:23

And for clarity......there was room in the car for an extra passenger.

That's just so mean. I dont understand people like at all. Very odd and strange behaviour on your "friends part". Didn't the others say anything?

caringcarer · 15/02/2025 09:57

Noweddingformeow · 15/02/2025 05:14

I don’t think there would be much of a friendship after this beyond lunch together once a year anyway.

You've told her you can no longer attend her wedding. If you can't or don't want to attend the Hens just tell her you won't be going because it seems it's really just for bridesmaids as no one else who isn't a bridesmaid is going. 2 weeks is not much notice for cancellation of Hens but Bridezilla has been meaning to you so tell her you're going on holiday so can no longer afford it. It sounds like it's really meant for bridesmaids anyway if no one else is going.

IntermittentStream · 15/02/2025 10:02

RampantIvy · 15/02/2025 09:13

It looks like a lot of posters are making up their own narrative re the hen do.

The OP said that she thought it was a meal out so she agreed to go, then it was sprung on her that it was an expensive spa weekend that loads of people dropped out from due to the expense.

From the OP's posts it is clear that the nature and cost of the weekend wasn't discussed with anyone before it was booked, so I don't agree that the OP should be guilt tripped into going.

It strikes me that, as with a lot of scenarios on mumsnet threads, there has been a lack of communication between all parties.

Your last point is what strikes me the most forcefully. This is a small group of four women, one of whom is the OP’s best friend, yet there’s no mention of any actual honest conversation with her about the OP feeling omitted, or any separate meeting with her, only four meetings wedding-focused with the whole group in eight months.

ljhlousnbehm · 15/02/2025 10:08

One friend got engaged and is only having the other three as bridesmaids
Yeh, this phrase confused me - one bride, two bridesmaids? Four friends in the group and you're the only one not part of the main event because the bride only wants two bridesmaids for symmetry with the groom's two groomsmen?

Well, it's hurtful but understandable to an extent. The issue is the bride didn't discuss the reasons with you and worse still your best friend is going along with it and you feel left out. You have met up with them but they're full of the wedding stuff. Bottom line, a rival offer came up and you can now flounce!

Also, I hope you're going travelling round Thailand and not just flopping by a pool in a resort for 2 weeks. There's so much to see and do not to mention the lovely food! If you're throwing a hand grenade into your friendship group the trip better be worth it!

PoltergeistsStartLowKey · 15/02/2025 10:09

I think you've probably done the right thing but expecting to have lunch once a year with the bride in the future sounds unlikely given the circumstances.

Justsayit123 · 15/02/2025 10:22

You thought you had signed up for a dinner for the hen party and it’s an expensive spa! How cheeky and presumptuous of them. Definitely go on the holiday as it doesn’t seem like they are very good friends to you.

LoveWine123 · 15/02/2025 10:25

I’m having trouble believing some aspects of the OP’s perception of events. She says at the time braidsmauds were chosen they were still friends on the surface. This indicates that even at that time there were perceived issues. Are you saying that up to that point all four of you were meeting regularly and all of you were a close knit group and it was only after the bridesmaid selection that you felt excluded? I have a feeling all four of you were not as close to each other as you think you were. Sounds like the bride chose her two closest friends and YOU felt that you should have been included.

Then you say you assumed that the hen do will be a dinner…did anyone ever mention a dinner to you? Was it really so out of the blue that they booked a spa without anyone ever mentioning it to you? And when you found out that it was spa and what the costs were why did you not say NO then? Because you were planning to go to the spa whatever the costs weren’t you? And you accepted to go.

My guess is that you now have what you consider a better opportunity to spend your money (in Thailand) and are trying to make everyone else sound shit. If this trip hadn’t appeared, my guess is you would have gladly gone to the hen spa and gone to the wedding. What you are now doing is you are looking for excuses to make yourself look better. Money for the spa were never the problem and so you accepted to go to the spa. The spa and the wedding became the problem only after you decided you’d rather spend the money for a trip.

Absolutely fine you don’t want to go to the wedding but own your reasons and don’t blame the bride for choosing her closest people as bridesmaids. And it’s a bit shit to have said you will go to the spa and then pull out two weeks before. Because you didn’t just find out the costs today, did you? You knew it was a spa and you knew the costs. You are only pulling out because a better option came along. Just be an adult and own your choices.

Givemebackmygirlhood · 15/02/2025 10:25

My best friend couldn’t come to my wedding because she was away travelling. I understood completely! We are still best friends and she loved her travels and my wedding day was just a day. We missed her of course but I wouldn’t have stopped her or made her feel guilty for anything in the world. Any bride who feels differently isn’t a true friend and has lost perspective on their day, in my opinion. So go travelling and enjoy yourself!

RampantIvy · 15/02/2025 10:30

LoveWine123 · 15/02/2025 10:25

I’m having trouble believing some aspects of the OP’s perception of events. She says at the time braidsmauds were chosen they were still friends on the surface. This indicates that even at that time there were perceived issues. Are you saying that up to that point all four of you were meeting regularly and all of you were a close knit group and it was only after the bridesmaid selection that you felt excluded? I have a feeling all four of you were not as close to each other as you think you were. Sounds like the bride chose her two closest friends and YOU felt that you should have been included.

Then you say you assumed that the hen do will be a dinner…did anyone ever mention a dinner to you? Was it really so out of the blue that they booked a spa without anyone ever mentioning it to you? And when you found out that it was spa and what the costs were why did you not say NO then? Because you were planning to go to the spa whatever the costs weren’t you? And you accepted to go.

My guess is that you now have what you consider a better opportunity to spend your money (in Thailand) and are trying to make everyone else sound shit. If this trip hadn’t appeared, my guess is you would have gladly gone to the hen spa and gone to the wedding. What you are now doing is you are looking for excuses to make yourself look better. Money for the spa were never the problem and so you accepted to go to the spa. The spa and the wedding became the problem only after you decided you’d rather spend the money for a trip.

Absolutely fine you don’t want to go to the wedding but own your reasons and don’t blame the bride for choosing her closest people as bridesmaids. And it’s a bit shit to have said you will go to the spa and then pull out two weeks before. Because you didn’t just find out the costs today, did you? You knew it was a spa and you knew the costs. You are only pulling out because a better option came along. Just be an adult and own your choices.

Edited

Oh look. The bride is on this thread.

LoveWine123 · 15/02/2025 10:34

RampantIvy · 15/02/2025 10:30

Oh look. The bride is on this thread.

Show quote history

Yes because only the bride can have an opinion differing from yours.

Whyherewego · 15/02/2025 10:39

Noweddingformeow · 15/02/2025 05:38

Thanks. I sent the text. I used yours @AnnoyedAsAllHeck

I hope they actually stop and look back at the last 8 months and realise I am right before getting too upset.

This won't happen.
You'll be seen as the one who got grumpy about not being a bridesmaid and pulled out of everything.
Now if you don't want to remain friends, who cares.
If you do, I'd personally just say that you are gutted not to be there but circumstances have conspired which mean you can't make it and buy a nice present for them. Maybe try to do at least part of the hen do to show willing

cooldarkroom · 15/02/2025 10:40

Dear bride to be,
Lets be honest, you haven't included me in any of the preparations even though I offered.
We do not have the close relationship I thought we had.
I cannot come, but wish you a wonderful day/life