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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Struggling to hide my disappointment at DD returning to a sleepy village

244 replies

Cazzai · 14/02/2025 06:56

Okay, first of all this is no hate on village life, I have lived in a village my whole life, as has my son and we couldn't be happier but this about DD specifically.

My DD is 26, we have lived in a relatively poor Scottish village, honestly it is the type of place that is really hard to get out of, I remember having a conversation with DD where we realised only 3 people from my DDs class of 25 in primary school had moved out of the immediate area at 25. Staying in the area is pretty limiting too, it is commuting distance from Glasgow but the reality is, education is poor, there are massive drug issues and so many young people around here just fall onto these paths. My son has never really managed to escape the cycle, he didn't get great grades at school, pissed around with the wrong people through college and while he is now building a career it is unlikely he will ever leave this area and his kids will no doubt face many of the struggles he has.
My DD however has been one of the lucky few who seem to have been able to break the cycle, she got the top grades for her year at her school, studied abroad for 4 years becoming the first person in our family to get a degree (extending to aunts/uncles and cousins too), saved while studying and managed to do a little over a year of travel (some what difficult thanks to covid) and then settled in Australia to do a 3 year post grad, which she just finished at the end of last year. I think it is beyond remarkable what she has achieved from having a less than ideal start and I'm so incredibly proud of her.
She is also engaged, they've been together 2 years and he proposed at Christmas. He is a bit older than her (34), but also by almost sheer coincidence is Scottish.
DD has recently announced they will be moving back to Scotland, her partner is a teacher and has a job offer for a private school, senior leadership role next school year, they will be coming in April/May. They have decided on looking for a house in some villages 40 minutes or so from the city he will be working in, this is where his family live and while they are more affluent villages than ours, it is still very much sleepy, rural Scotland. They have said they are coming back as they want to start a family and they want their future children to be close to their extended family.
Now don't get me wrong I'm delighted DD will be close again, for the first time in 8 years I will be able to just go meet her for lunch, but if I'm honest, I'm a little devastated too, she worked so hard for all the success she has achieved and now she's giving up all that adventure and freedom.
In my head I know it is irrational, but my heart just feels sad and I don't think I'm hiding it very well either. DD said the last time we spoke "you don't seem all that excited about me coming back". AIBU to be a little disappointed that she is giving it all up after all the work she put in to get out?

OP posts:
0ohLarLar · 14/02/2025 07:02

But a lot of people don't like city living? I have a professional job with loads of money but made a similar choice to move to a lovely village to have kids.

If she's choosing nicer villages without the drug issues etc whats the problem?

ReformMyArse · 14/02/2025 07:03

What are her career aspirations? Will she be able to fulfil them in the closest city? Have they thought about living in the city itself?

Brainstem · 14/02/2025 07:04

You don’t mention her career, just his — what is she planning to do once they return?

WoahThreeAces · 14/02/2025 07:04

I do understand, OP, but the difference for her is she will still have choices. She's had adventures already, successes and achievements, but wants to return back to a lifestyle she likes! Sounds like her partner will have a great job and they can raise a family the way they want to. With the option to move and change their lives if it's not working for them? They won't be "trapped".

It sounds like she will be happy 😊

SneakyLilNameChange · 14/02/2025 07:04

I think you are probably projecting disappointment on yourself- it is you who appears stuck there, your son negatively affected by the environment and you have no plans to leave. DD on the other hand has excelled, moved abroad, been educated and is now returning to a much nicer area with a nice sounding husband. What’s the problem?

Suzuki76 · 14/02/2025 07:05

Yes, that was my question too. Doesn't sound like she's ever worked, just studied. There's no reason to think she can't work remotely depending on what she wants to do.

Hercisback1 · 14/02/2025 07:06

This says more about you than her. She's not giving up, she's made a choice of where to live.

You clearly aren't/weren't happy with village life. She's gone to a better village, let her be.

Cazzai · 14/02/2025 07:06

ReformMyArse · 14/02/2025 07:03

What are her career aspirations? Will she be able to fulfil them in the closest city? Have they thought about living in the city itself?

Honestly, I'm not sure what her plan is career wise, she just finished her Doctor of Physiotheraphy in Australia.I'm not sure if her qualification will translate to UK, if she plans to work privately or for the NHS. I asked why not the city itself and she said she wants to have kids and feels growing up in a village is nicer.

OP posts:
GetDownkeith · 14/02/2025 07:06

I think you’re over thinking it. She isn’t coming back to the local village to go back to her old life. She is moving back after travelling and studying abroad to settle down and raise a family close to her support network. This is not a negative thing at all she wants to be close to her family for this stage in her life. They have jobs, they can still go on holidays and travel but be near family.
I lived in the city, loved it but moved more rurally to bring up my children. Here they got put to play with neighbours, walked to school themselves and had much more freedom than they’d have had growing up in the city.
We also had a much nicer house with a garden too that I just couldn’t have afforded in the city.

Pigsinblankets13 · 14/02/2025 07:07

Maybe she's just ready to settle down now with a husband and have children...I know I definitely got to an age where that was my priority in life and it is/has been the best time in my life for me. Maybe she feels fulfilled with how she's spent her younger years and is ready for the next chapter. I think equally your feelings are valid and as difficult as it may be I'd be mindful of letting her know how you feel in case it pushes her away. Embrace it OP, how lovely that she'll be nearby and if and when she has children you'll be close by.

Safxxx · 14/02/2025 07:07

I wouldn't worry too much their both educated and could earn a good living for themselves and and their future kids. Don't spoil today with tomorrow's worry, enjoy being close to your daughter and grandchildren, your daughter is already picking up your negative vibes don't push her away, hopefully her circumstances will be better than your concerns.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 14/02/2025 07:08

Physiotherapy is a great career and her skills are needed in the community. She be head of Physiotherapy eventually and happy.

LlynTegid · 14/02/2025 07:09

If your DD understands the good and bad of village life, and her husband to be is a good man, then I think you should be supportive. You also will have the opportunity if I understand correctly to have a part in the life of your grandchildren, should you become a grandparent.

It sounds like the village is one of those in the first verse of 'letter from America' by the Proclaimers, not the second verse.

biscuitsandbooks · 14/02/2025 07:10

SneakyLilNameChange · 14/02/2025 07:04

I think you are probably projecting disappointment on yourself- it is you who appears stuck there, your son negatively affected by the environment and you have no plans to leave. DD on the other hand has excelled, moved abroad, been educated and is now returning to a much nicer area with a nice sounding husband. What’s the problem?

I agree with this, to be honest.

verycloakanddaggers · 14/02/2025 07:11

Is the point of her life to make you happy or make herself happy?

You had your life, if it wasn't what you wanted don't project that disappointment onto your DD.

stayathomer · 14/02/2025 07:11

It doesn’t sound like she’s heading for an area where there’s the problems you listed though, and with her education etc she’ll have the opportunity to leave again should she wish. It sounds like a nice option tbh

babiesinthesnowflakes · 14/02/2025 07:12

Sounds like you’re projecting a bit and romanticising city life, having never experienced it. I’ve lived in cities, towns and villages and there are pros and cons to all of them.

movintothecountry · 14/02/2025 07:12

I live in London so maybe my view is skewed, but isn't an affluent village 40 mins outside of Glasgow (sorry if I got that wrong) kind of the dream for a lot of people? Near enough to a major city to take advantage of restaurants and shopping etc, but rural living with what sounds like good jobs? Plus family nearby to see regularly but not on top of you?

Her life is not over, she may stay for 20-25 years and raise kids or they may move on. Sounds like she's done well educationally so she's not trapped in the way that you describe the people where you live? She can go anywhere and do anything else I'd she decides she wants to? Be happy for her and try not to worry unnecessarily Flowers

LowSunshine · 14/02/2025 07:12

You can't live her life. Please don't let her know your feelings. It will come across as if you are very disappointed in her. Are you happy to risk the morher - daughter relationship? Easiest way is for a mother to show disappointment.

She's had great successes yes! She'll have more no doubt, just closer to home. Focus on the positives.

DDivaStar · 14/02/2025 07:13

I'd be more concerned that she doesn't seem to be in any rush to earn her own money. If she settles down and has kids with little or no work experience she's leaving herself very vulnerable.

Coffeeishot · 14/02/2025 07:15

It sounds like she just wants to settle down and have a nice life and not have her family in a city, where she is will have a "nice village school " etc sounds like she's had a great time studying and traveling and now wants to put down roots, there is nothing wrong with that it isn't a failing, she, could even set up her own practice if she wanted.

Cazzai · 14/02/2025 07:15

DDivaStar · 14/02/2025 07:13

I'd be more concerned that she doesn't seem to be in any rush to earn her own money. If she settles down and has kids with little or no work experience she's leaving herself very vulnerable.

I think (though it hasn't been stated explicitly) she does plan to work. She wants to get married before having kids, and is hoping to get married in the next year-18 months so I assume she is planning to work until she has children.

OP posts:
BendingSpoons · 14/02/2025 07:16

She has had some great life experiences that will shape her life view. She is coming back as a highly educated, travelled woman. Maybe her partner had a different experience in her village and they are keener to replicate that. Maybe they will do a few years and decide it's not for them any longer. If he stays working in a private school, maybe their future kids will be able to go there and that will give them a different experience.

Don't sour your relationship with her now because she thinks you don't care. Remain a listening ear and see how SHE finds it. If she is happy, then great.

RoamingGnome · 14/02/2025 07:16

I know exactly the sort of area you live in and can totally get why you don't want your kids stuck there, but if she's moving to a more affluent, well connected (to Glasgow) village near the in laws that's very different. A lot of the problems you see in your village are the same or worse in Glasgow - would you be happier if she was moving to Govan?! (and yes I've lived there and there is a high level of drugs & violent crime. Handy for the hospital though)

Whistledown2 · 14/02/2025 07:17

You are projecting your feelings onto her. She isn't you. Don't get me wrong, I would also feel the way you do if I were 'stuck' somewhere but, they both have (well paid) professions. Their DC will have the opportunity to appreciate life without the materialism/consumerism it sounds. Their professions are also caring and broad minded.

They both have so much potential in their lives to offer DC. The wealth of knowledge and travel will no doubt extend to their DC.

I don't think you have anything to worry about at all OP. You are very lucky to have them choose to be near you to raise their family.

I would be thoroughly proud and excited by their choice.