Struggling to hide my disappointment at DD returning to a sleepy village

[Cazzai]

Okay, first of all this is no hate on village life, I have lived in a village my whole life, as has my son and we couldn't be happier but this about DD specifically.

My DD is 26, we have lived in a relatively poor Scottish village, honestly it is the type of place that is really hard to get out of, I remember having a conversation with DD where we realised only 3 people from my DDs class of 25 in primary school had moved out of the immediate area at 25. Staying in the area is pretty limiting too, it is commuting distance from Glasgow but the reality is, education is poor, there are massive drug issues and so many young people around here just fall onto these paths. My son has never really managed to escape the cycle, he didn't get great grades at school, pissed around with the wrong people through college and while he is now building a career it is unlikely he will ever leave this area and his kids will no doubt face many of the struggles he has.
My DD however has been one of the lucky few who seem to have been able to break the cycle, she got the top grades for her year at her school, studied abroad for 4 years becoming the first person in our family to get a degree (extending to aunts/uncles and cousins too), saved while studying and managed to do a little over a year of travel (some what difficult thanks to covid) and then settled in Australia to do a 3 year post grad, which she just finished at the end of last year. I think it is beyond remarkable what she has achieved from having a less than ideal start and I'm so incredibly proud of her.
She is also engaged, they've been together 2 years and he proposed at Christmas. He is a bit older than her (34), but also by almost sheer coincidence is Scottish.
DD has recently announced they will be moving back to Scotland, her partner is a teacher and has a job offer for a private school, senior leadership role next school year, they will be coming in April/May. They have decided on looking for a house in some villages 40 minutes or so from the city he will be working in, this is where his family live and while they are more affluent villages than ours, it is still very much sleepy, rural Scotland. They have said they are coming back as they want to start a family and they want their future children to be close to their extended family.
Now don't get me wrong I'm delighted DD will be close again, for the first time in 8 years I will be able to just go meet her for lunch, but if I'm honest, I'm a little devastated too, she worked so hard for all the success she has achieved and now she's giving up all that adventure and freedom.
In my head I know it is irrational, but my heart just feels sad and I don't think I'm hiding it very well either. DD said the last time we spoke "you don't seem all that excited about me coming back". AIBU to be a little disappointed that she is giving it all up after all the work she put in to get out?

As someone raising kids in a city nowhere near any family support, it is very hard. I'm not sure the benefits of city life really make up for not having my mum nearby. I don't blame them for wanting to be near family.

I do think you are catastrophising a little bit here, OP. Education is key to breaking these cycles and it sounds like your DD is highly educated and her fiance has an excellent job. Presumably their DC will eventually get reduced fees at the school where he works and go to private school as well. So I wouldnt worry.

I think the main thing is sorting out whether her qualifications transfer and if she can find a suitable job nearby (especially as some jobs need you to be working for X period of time to qualify for any mat pay above SMP / MA).

Oh OP I think you've done a great job as her mum, she seems to be very reasonable and I'm sure she's making a wise decision based on her and her husband experience. It will be such a joy to have her back, just let yourself enjoy this without worries.

This. She has the choice some don't have. She's seen life elsewhere and has chosen to come back but if she doesn't like it she can go again.

She's been studying which is great but has she ever had a job? She's your dd, is ask what her job plans are. You can't really dictate what she does but it sounds like you might be disappointed that she isn't pursuing a career but following his? Talk to her, keep the lines of communication open. So I'd tell her that of course you are happy thst she will be closer as you have missed her but she hasn't shared anything about her job plans and you are excited to hear what she planned career wise.

she is planning for the future
settling down

She's going to have a perfectly nice life living in a beautiful place with career options.

The system worked for her, so she had faith in it and views it differently than you do.

To me a Scottish village is a lovely place to live, doesn't limit her opportunities to travel to Rome or Maui or Sydney and she will likely have a beautiful house filled with beautiful things and books and opportunity for her children.

It's a win, OP!

the reality is, education is poor, there are massive drug issues and so many young people around here just fall onto these paths.

How big is this village?

I'd also say this is the real kicker. She's tying herself to a bloke, plus she must have extraordinary debts after all those courses. She almost stopped before she's started.

Well there are villages and there are villages! I know the area OP - you might not want to be outing and name either of them, but could you name equivalents?
It sounds like if she's left x, travelled and studied and returned to y, that's actually a great achievement/ improvement!

Your DD's qualification will translate and she's right at a great age to have a family.
How wonderful to have her near, and to hear her value having you close by. The children will have the head start of a supportive family.
They will use their international experience to forge themselves a fine life. Be happy.
Drugos live in London too.

It’s not the same at all. She will have a different life to your son, as will her children. Thank your lucky stars she’s nearby and support your daughter.

I associate adventure and freedom with people who travel but never settle, they almost end up bumming round sunny climes with nothing but memories.

She has done that, she is a little older and wants to set down roots to build a family.
I can't see how you're not happy with that, especially as she will be close to you.

You and her education has given her the most precious thing which is choice. She has options and won’t be stuck anywhere. She’s choosing a small village for the next stage of her life but has had other experiences so can move if she wants to later on. Giving kids roots and wings has always seemed great to me and it sounds like she has both.

Edited to add- I’d be encouraging her to get a job though and build some financial independence.

If she plans to stop working in a couple of years that would be the most disappointing thing I would hear. She’ll still be very junior in her career, especially as she has such limited work experience through studying and travelling for so long.

Hello @Cazzai,

Two thoughts occur:

If you want people to break free of the village it’s likely because you want a different life and are projecting. Your life is important & precious. Why not explore a move to Glasgow - I am sure there will also be more career opportunities for your son if he chooses to move too. It is possible for you to move - even if you don’t believe it right now.

Your daughter has had great opportunities and experiences and she has chosen a life that involves a man from her home country and something familiar in where she settles. That’s ok - her experience will be different.

She has a PhD in Physiotherapy - that’s an incredible achievement and transferable to UK and NHS. She could have a private practice - lots of opportunities. Her future husband also has a successful career path.

Be proud of her for her accomplishments and her choices and welcome her home. Then go about looking at how you want to change your life for you.

I think I get where you are coming from, but as PP have said, I think she is planning a different life to the one you are worrying about. Once people have had their horizons expanded, they may choose to live in a village, but their social networks will have a focus outside of that village and they will have social and cultural capital, especially if DC attend private school.

But I would also encourage your DD to really dig into her career. She is well qualified and could look at uni posts as well as those in healthcare, but she needs to do some time at the coalface before taking time out to have children. It will be harder to return otherwise.

About 2000 or so people i'd guess, maybe a bit more? However the issue extends to lots of the villages and towns near by too, maybe just not to the same extent.

I have family who live in a village near Falkirk.
Just the look of it depresses me. It’s quite a deprived village.
However these family members are all close, they get to see each other all the time.

I only see my dc and dgc 2 to 3 times a year. A bit of me would gladly live in that ugly little village if my dc lived there too.

It’s people that make life good, things just help.

It’s not about liking or disliking village life. It’s about limiting your options.

I understand your point but you were happy to live and bring up children there. Maybe the apple never falls far from the tree?

I'm not sure if I can think of exact equivalents be but we are in Ayrshire, and our catchment school is among the worst in Ayrshire (which in itself doesn't exactly have amazing schools!), she is looking at the area north of Glasgow, around Killearn/Balfron where I think the catchment school is in the top 30 in Scotland - so top 10%.

This was an UNCANNY post for me to read, as it has so many similarities to my own life.

My DD is also 26. She and her brother are also the only people to go to Uni and get degrees in our family. We are also in a village in Scotland. My DD and her DH are also in Australia!!

The only difference is, that I don't think they are ever coming back. They said they would, to have kids, but it's now looking as though my grandchildren will be born in Aus and I will probably never be able to be a proper Nanna.

I envy you. Your DD is coming home. Please be grateful for that.

I live in a Scottish village and I hear you where I live has its problems too my children live near by but have good lives, your dd has chosen a nice area to.settle she will be fine, I do think she needs to think about work though even until they have children,

You’re upset about her living in Killearn/Balfron? Do you know how many people would kill to live in such nice affluent areas? And they aren’t that sleepy. They’re desirable for good reason.

Killearn/Balfron are vastly different villages from say Dundonald

I would give my eye teeth to live out that way instead of in Stirling or Glasgow