Struggling to hide my disappointment at DD returning to a sleepy village

[Cazzai]

Okay, first of all this is no hate on village life, I have lived in a village my whole life, as has my son and we couldn't be happier but this about DD specifically.

My DD is 26, we have lived in a relatively poor Scottish village, honestly it is the type of place that is really hard to get out of, I remember having a conversation with DD where we realised only 3 people from my DDs class of 25 in primary school had moved out of the immediate area at 25. Staying in the area is pretty limiting too, it is commuting distance from Glasgow but the reality is, education is poor, there are massive drug issues and so many young people around here just fall onto these paths. My son has never really managed to escape the cycle, he didn't get great grades at school, pissed around with the wrong people through college and while he is now building a career it is unlikely he will ever leave this area and his kids will no doubt face many of the struggles he has.
My DD however has been one of the lucky few who seem to have been able to break the cycle, she got the top grades for her year at her school, studied abroad for 4 years becoming the first person in our family to get a degree (extending to aunts/uncles and cousins too), saved while studying and managed to do a little over a year of travel (some what difficult thanks to covid) and then settled in Australia to do a 3 year post grad, which she just finished at the end of last year. I think it is beyond remarkable what she has achieved from having a less than ideal start and I'm so incredibly proud of her.
She is also engaged, they've been together 2 years and he proposed at Christmas. He is a bit older than her (34), but also by almost sheer coincidence is Scottish.
DD has recently announced they will be moving back to Scotland, her partner is a teacher and has a job offer for a private school, senior leadership role next school year, they will be coming in April/May. They have decided on looking for a house in some villages 40 minutes or so from the city he will be working in, this is where his family live and while they are more affluent villages than ours, it is still very much sleepy, rural Scotland. They have said they are coming back as they want to start a family and they want their future children to be close to their extended family.
Now don't get me wrong I'm delighted DD will be close again, for the first time in 8 years I will be able to just go meet her for lunch, but if I'm honest, I'm a little devastated too, she worked so hard for all the success she has achieved and now she's giving up all that adventure and freedom.
In my head I know it is irrational, but my heart just feels sad and I don't think I'm hiding it very well either. DD said the last time we spoke "you don't seem all that excited about me coming back". AIBU to be a little disappointed that she is giving it all up after all the work she put in to get out?

Exactly this

I agree with the other posters on this thread. It's not a terrible decision and Killearn is very different to the place your DD grew up.

I am going to extend a bit of solidarity though. I also grew up in a shitty Scottish village (east Lothian) where the local drug dealers dealt openly from a car by the post office (how convenient!). I was one of a handful who did manage to leave. Living there was stifling, and I think you can end up feeling that it's the same across the whole country. For a while the thought of moving back to any where in Scotland made me want to stick pins in my eyes. I've realised though, that not everywhere is the same and, if the chance arose, I might actually go back some day. So long as it was to somewhere nice like Killearn!

Sounds more like jealousy than disappointment. Or guilt that you couldn't provide a better life for your kids.

Moving to an affluent commuter village sounds like a great choice.

I find this really strange. Why is country Iiving 'less' than city living?
She has had her adventure and is ready to settle to have a family. I would choose country over city too if I could, she isn't returning to the underprivileged village she is from. I live in a very privileged area of the countryside

She can commute from a village to a city for work so it won’t hold her back in her career.
she grew up used to village life so it’s not that surprising that she wants it again. You have never lived in a city so have not experienced it so can’t know whether it’s something your daughter would enjoy or not.
I think I am city girl currently living in a village and I can still get to a city (multiple) very easily and I have a much bigger house and garden than I have in a city. I commute to a large city for work as do most of my colleagues with families.
I think when my children are a bit older moving more to a city again might be nice as they can get themselves around on public transport easier but for now I think village life is good for them.
moving to a village is no way a fail.

I actually think Ayreshire is underrated and gets an unfair rep. Housing costs are probably lower than almost anywhere in the UK and there are lots of lovely villages imo. Sure they have issues but they're a fraction of the major cities and my understanding is crime rates have actually fallen in recent years.

I sympathise OP and support your right to express your concerns and fears on an anonymous website. It surely won't be bad as you fear but we all have worries and concerns for the best interests of our kids. Best to say them here than to their faces.

Reading about the drug problems across rural scotland is so sad and a real eye-opener. Of course we've all heard about the issues of scotland but I'd always imagined it to be a city issue. It seems my visions of rural scotland are very far removed from the reality and based on romantised TV dramas!

Your dd has done her travelling, experienced different cultures and is well educated in a sector that allows her to work anywhere.

Now she will have a good quality of life in a beautiful place with the man she loves. They will have enough money to enjoy more travel if they wish.

She won't struggle with polluted city air, ridiculous house prices, over crowding, or high crime. Your grandchildren will grow up in a spacious, well appointed home, not have to struggle in overcrowded, under resourced schools. If your son in law continues to work in the independent sector, they may be privately educated.

I'll be dancing in the street if my ds achieves such a great situation. I really don't see a problem.

I sympathise, your feelings are valid. However, my thoughts are good on your daughter for making a life for herself despite the fact her parents disagree with it. Looking at what you’ve written, it sounds like she’s doing well.

I think you're being quite unfair on your DD. Plenty people don't want to live in a big city and I don't think living in a cramped city centre flat makes you any more successful than living in a nice home in a small village.

@Cazzai YABU and I can’t get my head around your thinking!

I’m from south Ayrshire and was first to go to uni in my family (Glasgow Uni). I too did postgrad/doctorate and have travelled extensively and lived in Oz for 5 years. I now live in East Dunbartonshire in a lovely area with great public schools.

Kilearn is gorgeous and I’d live there in a heartbeat. Balfron also nice but I wouldn’t choose there - just a tad too remote.

I think your DD sounds amazing and has her head screwed on (caveat - I hope you stays active in her career). If I was you, I’d be jumping for joy and completely supporting her choices.

OP I’m 41 and plotting to come back to rural Scotland. We both have good careers, money, down south. All that ‘successful’ crap, none of it has made me particularly happy. I long for peace, mountains and a slower pace. I would happily now do a little part time job and be able to buy a house outright up there. In fact I wish I’d prioritised different things years ago. I know we feel disappointed when we feel our kids are ‘throwing their talent and success away’ but it’s their life to live. Just concentrate on how lovely it will be to have her back around.

I think you just have to trust that she knows what she's doing. And I agree with her that a village is a much nicer place for a child to grow up in than a city.

OP why don’t you move to a better area? Sounds as if you want DD to do the adventureing for you.

I hear your worries. I hear your aspirations for your daughter.

it sounds like you raised a motivated and hardworking daughter, and you should also make space in your mind for pride, and for trust that her diligence in other areas of her life til now will continue to play out. her judgement has been good so far.

i think, if you can give mental space to pride and trust, you might also find space for thankfulness- your daughter wants to be close by, she wants her mother in her life, she hasn’t forgotten you, and decided to create a life 24hours flight away.

maybe in time you too could move?
it sounds like you are unhappy in your village. What would need to happen for your to be able to make the change ? How can you make that happen.

Is 40 mins really that far from a city in the grand scheme of things? I think you’re projecting your own problems onto her.

This stung a bit - because it resonates.

I moved to London when I was young, did very well in my career and it took me all over the world and gave me chances to live in other countries etc. I earned a lot of money and this enabled me to do exciting things with my time off. My job was also very stressful!

However, in my late 30s I bought a house in a village and took a step back in my career to do a less stressful job. It still pays well but not the dizzy heights I used to earn. I got a dog and, because my Mum was struggling with where she lived, I moved her in with me. In an ideal world I would prefer to live alone but this is also fine and I am happy.

My parents are divorced and ever since I moved my Dad has looked at me with a strange sort of pity, even when he thinks he is hiding it. He has set up a couple of conversations with me now about how I am "in a bit of a rut" and I get the very distinct impression it was much easier to be proud of me when I was doing the kinds of things he could boast about. And that's how I interpret his 'concern' - as a frustration at a lack of bragging opportunities. His pity disgusts me and it has caused real damage to our relationship because I now see his love and approval as conditional. So, in all honesty, I've pulled back a bit and just stopped talking to him about anything meaningful.

I don't know if that applies to some or all of your situation at all, but if it does, it may serve as a bit of a warning about the potential damage you could do here.

Be happy for her OP. She's not coming back to a dead-end life in a sleepy Scottish village. She is a highly qualified professional who is coming back with her fiance, who has a good job, and they have chosen where they want to live. Yes, I can see that you think that a Scottish village is a bit of a comedown after 8 years of travel, but a lot of people return home and settle down when they have kids - it's the normal order of things. And if she wants to have kids it's nice that she wants to do that near to you, so you can be involved and know your grandkids well. Most mums would be thrilled about this! I really think you need to get over your own disappointment that she didn't settle in Sydney or London or somewhere else and just be happy to have your DD back nearby.

DH and I will be escaping the city for a sleepy village when our DC are school age because, in part, we don't want them getting in with the wrong crowd and we believe the odds of that happening are higher here. I teach in inner London and the amount of nice kids I've seen who end up in a gang/involved with drugs and even knife crime purely through their friendship groups at school has in part driven this decision. Of course many don't fall into this life too and there are also other reasons why we'd like to leave London as our DC grow up. I grew up in an area like yours so I do get it but there are many kinds of sleepy villages.

But the main thing here is that I think you're really projecting and almost trying to live your aspirations through her OP. This isn't fair. She's achieved so much with her life already and it sounds like this move will make her happy. Not everyone likes city living. I have in my twenties but now I want the quiet, more rural life.

It's my mum's fantasy to live in an affluent village near her less nice town lol.

I live in london so love cities/need it for work. But a middle class country life seems peak mumsnet to me. If shes getting married in 18 months she will be more 28/29 ish having DC so enough time to get her foot in the door for physio.

I guess it depends which villages in Ayrshire, but I wouldn't say there is much "lovely" about Kilbirnie/Dalry/Beith, Patna/Dalmellington, Catrine/Auchinleck, Tarbolton/Mossblown. However I think Mauchline/Dunlop/West Kilbride/Barassie maybe even Kilmaurs are pretty nice. We are from one of the villages in the first list and I'd lobe to move to one on the latter list.

There's villages and villages OP. Some are deprived, some very wealthy.

Your dream for her may have been big city life, but if she and her partner love the Scottish countryside, it sounds like a lovely life choice.

I get up rural, lived in a city in my early 20s and then moved back to the country. We are in a much more affluent rural area now, so sounds like a similar position to your DD, and I love it. You could offer me a billion pounds to live in a city and I wouldn’t take it.

YABVU - it sounds like your DD is intelligent, well travelled and has lots of options. She will be fine wherever she is.

I think you need to get on a bus and go to Killearn. You are comparing apples with oranges.