Struggling to hide my disappointment at DD returning to a sleepy village

[Cazzai]

Okay, first of all this is no hate on village life, I have lived in a village my whole life, as has my son and we couldn't be happier but this about DD specifically.

My DD is 26, we have lived in a relatively poor Scottish village, honestly it is the type of place that is really hard to get out of, I remember having a conversation with DD where we realised only 3 people from my DDs class of 25 in primary school had moved out of the immediate area at 25. Staying in the area is pretty limiting too, it is commuting distance from Glasgow but the reality is, education is poor, there are massive drug issues and so many young people around here just fall onto these paths. My son has never really managed to escape the cycle, he didn't get great grades at school, pissed around with the wrong people through college and while he is now building a career it is unlikely he will ever leave this area and his kids will no doubt face many of the struggles he has.
My DD however has been one of the lucky few who seem to have been able to break the cycle, she got the top grades for her year at her school, studied abroad for 4 years becoming the first person in our family to get a degree (extending to aunts/uncles and cousins too), saved while studying and managed to do a little over a year of travel (some what difficult thanks to covid) and then settled in Australia to do a 3 year post grad, which she just finished at the end of last year. I think it is beyond remarkable what she has achieved from having a less than ideal start and I'm so incredibly proud of her.
She is also engaged, they've been together 2 years and he proposed at Christmas. He is a bit older than her (34), but also by almost sheer coincidence is Scottish.
DD has recently announced they will be moving back to Scotland, her partner is a teacher and has a job offer for a private school, senior leadership role next school year, they will be coming in April/May. They have decided on looking for a house in some villages 40 minutes or so from the city he will be working in, this is where his family live and while they are more affluent villages than ours, it is still very much sleepy, rural Scotland. They have said they are coming back as they want to start a family and they want their future children to be close to their extended family.
Now don't get me wrong I'm delighted DD will be close again, for the first time in 8 years I will be able to just go meet her for lunch, but if I'm honest, I'm a little devastated too, she worked so hard for all the success she has achieved and now she's giving up all that adventure and freedom.
In my head I know it is irrational, but my heart just feels sad and I don't think I'm hiding it very well either. DD said the last time we spoke "you don't seem all that excited about me coming back". AIBU to be a little disappointed that she is giving it all up after all the work she put in to get out?

Just read the post where the OP said that her DD is considering Killearn/Balfron. These are very affluent villages with active communities and lots going on for children and families. SO many people choose to move out of city centre Glasgow for the suburbs like Bearsden/Milngavie or further out to Killearn when they think about having kids.

I'm trying to think of an English comparison - it would be like growing up in a very deprived area of Liverpool, moving away, then coming back and settling down in a smart village in Cheshire. Geographically close, but culturally miles and miles apart.

It sounds like you're MASSIVELY projecting your own missed opportunities on to your daughter.

My mum did the same and I deeply resent her for it. I was told throughout my upbringing how marvellously academic I was and destined for wonderful things. I was the first person in my extended family to go to university, and my god what a fuss was made of that. I was also told regularly that I should "Move away from this dump".

I did. I live somewhere amazing and I have a great career. I also frequently think "Fuck you, how dare you pile pressure onto me to live out your own unrealised dreams". And my mum is now in her 70s and I see her for an overnight stay about once every 10 weeks. I'll never see her more than that, I live too far away, and she's surrounded by people who have family helping them out in their old age and she'll never have that. She encouraged my sister to leave too, and she lives abroad.

My sister and I are both anxious, and I lay a lot of the blame with my mum for making us believe we mustn't under any circumstances live an ordinary life. Well guess what, I like ordinary. I would have been perfectly happy living where I'm from - maybe in a nice village a few miles away - with family links. I've spent much of my life feeling lonely and rootless.

Quite frankly your post is bloody weird.
As others have said, you are projecting your very negative view of village life onto your children, all this nonsense about "getting away" and being trapped. Your daughter has choices and is making them, pity you can't be more positive.

I admit to being biased myself, I absolutely love village life. I have postgraduate qualifications, and (in my time) worked in some high paid jobs (including London and other cities) and have travelled (and lived) in other parts of the world. In my later years I have come back to live in sleepy, very rural village life - there is nothing better, I have never been happier. It's often the dream for many people to live in a village within commuting distance of a job in the nearest town.

What on earth makes you think town or city life is so exciting? Overcrowded, polluted, impersonal and unfriendly. More crime, less space, bigger schools with the possibility of more bullying or knife crime, more difficult to get resources or doctor/hospital appointments....the list could go on and on.

And your daughter has been in Australia. My daughter spent a couple of years there too...it may have more sunshine but some aspects of the culture is quite 'harsh' to live in.

Really, stop being so negative and be pleased for your wonderful daughter.

Scottish villages are a huge mix of poor and more wealthy there are few really wealthy ones like you’d find in the Cotswolds but plenty of ones are not extremely deprived. House prices are generally lower here so I suspect the OPs DD will easily be able to afford a house in a mire affluent village.
We have an aging population (this is causing huge problems but is good news for the OP DD as a physio) partly due to the lack of job opportunity for young people away from the major cities but for OPs daughter and partner they are unlikely to have a problem.
Scotland does have drugs and alcohol problem but I have friends and colleagues bringing up families in a variety of villages (and towns and cities) and their children are fine.

I suspect the returning to a village in Scotland is a red herring and the bigger issue is she hasn’t established her career before trailing after a partner and planning children in a year.

She doesn’t have enough work experience to set up in private practice. People who are successful doing that have built up expertise and reputation. They often run it alongside their NHS work for years.

All that time spent in study and yet no career plan would be my bigger worry for her.

I asked why not the city itself and she said she wants to have kids and feels growing up in a village is nicer.

Why isn't this a good enough answer?

Lots of people don't want to live in a city and that's okay.

I think where they choose to live is a red herring. I’d be more worried about her ‘settling down’ ie having children too young because older partner is ready now and - more than anything - whether she realises the importance of establishing and keeping her career / maximising her earning potential.

I didn’t see any mention of a marriage - maybe I missed it. If you can find a way to tactfully mention the benefits of marriage or legal civil partnership ( available to opposite sex couples in Scotland too) before children in terms of financial protection for the non working person on maternity leave etc that would be good. It’s unlikely, but pregnancy and maternity carry some risk ( particularly now with poor medical care) of temporary or longterm disability, mild or otherwise. Many an unmarried woman has had her life derailed by lack of legally mandated support from the other parent following children and personal or child illness or disability or even just childcare needs.

In similar case, my sister encouraged her daughter to have these difficult pre marriage / children discussions with her partner re religion, money, schooling preferences, how money will be managed during any time she’s off having child, who will get up in night, deal with sick days, agreement on equal value of their respective careers and that non working partner will maximise working partner’s pension contribution etc while non working, who will deal with housework, dealing with family ( ie no expectation of ‘wife work’) and overall checking they’re on same page on big life issues.

I can understand your feelings about the village you are from (grew up in west of Scotland) but can understand your daughter’s wishes, she is young but has packed a lot into the last few years and may not be a city person. If the school her fiancé is going to be at is in Edinburgh then some of the villages are utterly different from where you are.
You could maybe try to convey your excitement at her being close enough to meet for lunch but ask if she has considered small towns rather then villages, has she considered what she will do work wise etc. When they actually get here and look for houses they may change their minds.

It sounds to me like you perhaps need to start living your life for yourself. Would you consider studying for a degree? There are access courses available as a taster. Or perhaps travelling?

She's not giving up adventure and freedom, she's had all that and done it while she's young and is now wanting to settle and start the next chapter of her life, which is totally normal. I did the same, had a wild 20's with lots of travel and fun and living internationally, then met my husband and came home to a sleepy Welsh village just like the one I grew up in. I'm very happy with that and I'm sure your daughter will be too!

It's not her job to live the life you wished you had for you.

OP I'm from a sleepy Scottish village. Moved away for 10 years for uni and work and eventually returned to same village as remarkably my very niche job had employment a mere 30 minute commute away. DW is a teacher so our situation closely mimics your DD.

House prices are extremely modest here and teacher salaries are generous (nearly 50K) so our quality of life is fantastic. As it's a very rural area the commute is extremely short and so we have maximum family time during the week. Having a family network nearby is a godsend for childcare options and the links to cities for weekend excurious are vast.

By contrast our close friends who live within an hour of London both work longer hours, spend 3 times the daily time commuting (due to being in such a densly populated area), have a house half the size of ours (despite them earning about 40% more combined) and have extortionate childcare costs due to no nearby family.

Don't fall for the romance of city life. It sounds like your DD is making a smart move and I'm sure her quality of life will be great. All areas have their issues. especially cities with drug and knife crimes being rife atm.

i understand the disappointment OP. Have you spoken to her and about it. Not at about her choices but more the trap of village life and life cycles and opportunities it can limit for their/childrens futures?

You missed it. They are engaged and OP has said they are looking to get married in the next 18 months.

OP you need to get over this totally unjustified disappointment. She's clearly already picked up on something and you are at real risk of harming your relationship with her. I'd actually have an open & honest conversation about your fears & explain why you didn't initially seem excited about her coming back BUT make it absolutely clear that you now of course realise this is nonsense and she has achieved so much and you are delighted she has chosen to return to Scotland and will be able to live in such a lovely place. If you can't muster enthusiasm for a conversation, then at least fake enthusiasm when yo see her - fake it til you make it!

Oh, and I live in an affluent village (albeit in England) and it's highly desirable, a very comfortable and happy life that I choose for my children. If I were living in another village 3 miles in poverty where drugs, crime & unemployment are commonplace, my life would be very different. I'm struggling to see why you can't see how different one village can be from the next.

Children growing up in Killearn and going to high school in Balfron are not limited in their future possibilities. At all.

My DD1 sounds very much the same as yours high flying,motivated and well travelled. Prior to uni she spent 2 years in NZ. A first at uni, moved down south for 18 months, lived in a city for few years, then Midlands last Seback to next village to me.
NZ made her decide that she wanted to be back in UK. Down south she decided wanted to be further north, relationship struggles and child needed to be near family and established friends. She is still in a high flying job, wfh and some travel but now has lots of support. Village life has lot of bbenefits.She is settled and happy 😊. Family is very important and she is making a considered move, trust her judgement and be happy for her. 💕

I am your daughter!

Grew up in Ayrshire in a dogshit village (no offence) first person to go off to uni/travel/get a good job. I live in a semi rural village now. A nice MC lifestyle with a successful driven partner. Kids went to the village school and now a selective grammar. I see myself as a success, having flown the nest and created a lovely life for myself and children. I was a teacher and now a semi retired consultant.

I think your daughter is making good choices, support her. But ensure she keeps her career going!

It’s her life, not yours. She’s explored the world, and now wants to come home to roost. Be proud of her, not dissaponted.

I'm really struggling to see what the problem is.
Your DD has choices.
She is chosing to return to be near her family.
If it turns out doesn't like her new home and lifestyle she has the choice to move somewhere else, move some where different.
She has choices that people without education don't have.
She is also an adult and capable of making decisions for herself. You are doing her a disservice if you really think she is incapable of making an informed decision about her own life.
Personally I would be ecstatic she wants to live near you
I live in Ayrshire too btw.

Your DD is doing well. She's not moving back to your village, she's chosen a nice place that she wants to live. Is well educated and with a partner she loves. Has worked hard and saved to get where she is, so clearly not lacking in ambition.
You sound so negative. I had a parent like you. Every choice I made was the wrong one. So very draining and I have little to do with them now. Look inward to solve this one, it's definitely a you problem.

Of course her qualification will translate! There’s a huge shortage of physios in the UK, she can work in the NHS, privately, set up her own physiotherapy company. In all honesty I think you’re jealous of what she has achieved! I left a small town to work in a city, guess where I’m living now? Another small town, living in a city isn’t everything and actually I think you’re being quite small minded!

For people unfamiliar with Killearn. Think Midsummer Murders, but Scottish. Lots of lawyers/doctors/business people. It has its own Montessori nursery, ffs.

If she is planning to live in a rural area and work there/commute- fantastic
live there an sit on her arse at home and be funded by her bloke - no

Now don't get me wrong I'm delighted DD will be close again, for the first time in 8 years I will be able to just go meet her for lunch, but if I'm honest, I'm a little devastated too, she worked so hard for all the success she has achieved and now she's giving up all that adventure and freedom.

Having kids with no support network in a big city is literally the opposite of freedom and adventure!
FIL is a bit like you, disappointed and moany about our decision to move to my home town. ‘You’re giving it all up! You’re throwing your lives away!’ What slogging away for a massive London mortgage, no date nights, constantly stressed when one of the kids get a sniffle wondering who’s going to have to call off work at the last minute?

I second this. Sleepy, rural Scotland it is NOT. My friend lives in Balfron in a stunning house £££ looking over the hills. I'm very urban Glasgow (South Side) & get to her in an easy 45 minutes. She meets me regularly for outings in the city's West End with all its culture & cool cafes. What on EARTH are you going on about?

It's an incredibly affluent area with excellent schools. Friend's DS has achieved straight As, presently in S6 & has unconditional offers for both St Andrew's & Edinburgh. Honestly, you're being ridiculous. Have you even been to Balfron/ Killearn/ Strathblane etc?