Struggling to hide my disappointment at DD returning to a sleepy village

[Cazzai]

Okay, first of all this is no hate on village life, I have lived in a village my whole life, as has my son and we couldn't be happier but this about DD specifically.

My DD is 26, we have lived in a relatively poor Scottish village, honestly it is the type of place that is really hard to get out of, I remember having a conversation with DD where we realised only 3 people from my DDs class of 25 in primary school had moved out of the immediate area at 25. Staying in the area is pretty limiting too, it is commuting distance from Glasgow but the reality is, education is poor, there are massive drug issues and so many young people around here just fall onto these paths. My son has never really managed to escape the cycle, he didn't get great grades at school, pissed around with the wrong people through college and while he is now building a career it is unlikely he will ever leave this area and his kids will no doubt face many of the struggles he has.
My DD however has been one of the lucky few who seem to have been able to break the cycle, she got the top grades for her year at her school, studied abroad for 4 years becoming the first person in our family to get a degree (extending to aunts/uncles and cousins too), saved while studying and managed to do a little over a year of travel (some what difficult thanks to covid) and then settled in Australia to do a 3 year post grad, which she just finished at the end of last year. I think it is beyond remarkable what she has achieved from having a less than ideal start and I'm so incredibly proud of her.
She is also engaged, they've been together 2 years and he proposed at Christmas. He is a bit older than her (34), but also by almost sheer coincidence is Scottish.
DD has recently announced they will be moving back to Scotland, her partner is a teacher and has a job offer for a private school, senior leadership role next school year, they will be coming in April/May. They have decided on looking for a house in some villages 40 minutes or so from the city he will be working in, this is where his family live and while they are more affluent villages than ours, it is still very much sleepy, rural Scotland. They have said they are coming back as they want to start a family and they want their future children to be close to their extended family.
Now don't get me wrong I'm delighted DD will be close again, for the first time in 8 years I will be able to just go meet her for lunch, but if I'm honest, I'm a little devastated too, she worked so hard for all the success she has achieved and now she's giving up all that adventure and freedom.
In my head I know it is irrational, but my heart just feels sad and I don't think I'm hiding it very well either. DD said the last time we spoke "you don't seem all that excited about me coming back". AIBU to be a little disappointed that she is giving it all up after all the work she put in to get out?

I lived in a Scottish village within easy commuting distance to Glasgow for four years when I was a late teen. I loved it and have very fond memories. I don't recognise your description at all beyond that. All of my group of friends went off to uni (back in the early nineties) from the local state school in the next town and studied for STEM degrees or medicine. It was a lovely place to live - so much nicer than living in a city/outskirts of a small town/in a massive new town for me (lived in all those places). I currently live a short walk from the centre of a small town - I like living here too, has a big village feel.

I think it's so sad that she senses your disappointment in her. She has done nothing for you to pity her for, and your judgement is offensive. You might have low self esteem and snobbery about rural life, but don't project your own feelings onto her. Do better.

I live in a (somewhat affluent) small Scottish village and wouldn’t change it for the world. I love my lifestyle here. My sister lives in Australia and loves it there. Horses for courses

OP, I’m originally from an affluent rural village in Scotland (surrounded by less-affluent villages) and I get how you feel. It can be hard to explain why it can feel like this stifling small bubble to some people without making other people feel judged (which is why I’m not going to try here!). But I just wanted to say that I understand why you feel this way.

I think you already know that you need to work through that disappointment. She’s not done anything wrong at all, even if her choices aren’t ones you’d make with her opportunities.

Is this about her coming back or more about her settling down to get married and have children rather than drive forward with her career?

If she studied abroad from age 18, she might just need to have some time near home. It is understandable. She's not lived near you as an adult at all. She might be remembering the area with rose tinted spectacles, but if she wants children, it's not unusual to feel a pull to where your extended family are.

I'm sure she and her partner have it in then to make a good life for themselves. The experiences they have had abroad will have shaped them and they will likely be ambitious for their own children. Your daughter has done so well, even if she takes a break to have kids, that drive and love of her studies won't have disappeared. She'll have new plans up her sleeve.

I would be fine as long as she was working asap and established a career before having kids. That’s what I would hope for both my adult son and daughter.

What do you think she'll be missing out on by living in a small village OP?
She's not limiting her education choices because it sounds like she's already had a stellar education and early career. While there won't be as many job opportunities somewhere rural, if she is well qualified there will still be options open to her (especially post covid now that hybrid and home working are commonplace).
It sounds like she's doing brilliantly and knows exactly where she wants to be. Good for her!

I would absolutely choose a nice village that’s close to family over city living, especially if children are on the cards in the near future.

Your DD sounds like a well travelled, intelligent young woman that is thinking about her future and making choices that will make her happy.

I have to say that I would be delighted if my daughter was finally coming back near my home to live. Ecstatic in fact!

I had a not very happy childhood with heavy drinking DF.
I left home in a small town early as did DSis and DB - I realised in later years that the ones who didn't 'get out' were the ones who had ( appeared to me) a happy and loving family life. So they stayed in the area. She may have v happy childhood memories that she wants for her DCs. Which is a compliment to her DM.

I am in Glasgow and I do think you are being really silly here. I do know the sorts of villages you are talking about, the places like Shotts or Port Glasgow or Renton.

But that is entirely different from choosing to move back to Scotland and choosing an different sort of village like Killearn or Kilmacolm. So many people choose village or suburb life because it's an easy commute into everything Glasgow or Edinburgh has in terms of work and leisure, but you are still out in the countryside with great schools and community.

Not everyone wants to live in London, or Australia, or wherever else. She's not taking a step down choosing to live in Scotland and have kids here and it's really odd you perceive it that way.

Sounds like a lovely life. Kids in a sleepy rural Scotland village? I am rural Scotland and the villages around here are just lovely. Perfect place to raise children.

I live in very sleepy rural Scotland although admittedly an “affluent village” , but it’s not and never will be the Cotswolds, so I admit my bias.
Your DD and her partner will have the best of both worlds and as will her children glorious peace and quiet and a fantastic outdoor life but 40 mins from a city if it’s Edinburgh or Glasgow so lots to also offer young families. This is the life that many young couples aspire to I know my DS and his partner do (both are graduates) and they are in the process of making exactly this move.
I know this may sound sentimental but there is something about our wonderful Scottish countryside we have incredible variety, much of it is largely unspoilt, in the vast majority of places there are significantly fewer visitors than the equivalents in England. My DS and I have travelled extensively lived in other parts of England and abroad, many are very beautiful, but Scotland and ours landscape gets deep inside you. So many I meet say “I wouldn’t live anywhere else” (both English and Scottish) and maybe having travelled your daughter and her partner have a desire to return home to our wonderful country I for one completely understand this.
Lastly to have your daughter close enough to meet for lunch is what many mums dream of. Enjoy it.

You can get drugs everywhere.

Your DD and DH are happy making their future plans.

If DD’s husband will be at a private school they will get discount for their children.

I would be proud.

What she is saying makes perfect sense to me. I’ll admit I’m not familiar with Scotland so maybe it’s very different, but my experience (of living in relatively affluent areas of the north of England) is that villages are generally much nicer places to bring up children than cities. Better schools, less antisocial behaviour etc. It sounds to me like your own immediate area is extremely deprived and this is skewing your view? Is it not possible that these other, distant villages that your DD is looking at will be a totally different experience?

My Mum was the same - adamant that staying in our small town was not an option and we had to move away at the first opportunity (it matches a lot of the descriptions you gave of your village). I went to university in a city, lived abroad for a year, lived and worked in the city for 6 years before moving to a smaller commuter town.

Now I’m married and established in my career, my home town would actually be a great commuter town for the city where I work. I have some friends where I live now, but making friends in a city as an adult is hard. Sometimes I think it would be nicer to move back to my home town, pick back up with school friends and be closer to family. My mum would be heartbroken if I did though, for all the reasons you are. The main reason I don’t is that it would mean uprooting my husbands job as he couldn’t commute from there, and it’s further from his family, but if that wasn’t a factor I’d definitely consider moving back more seriously.

Ps. I've just looked the area up. Am I right it's about 30 mins drive from Glasgow? If so, she's got the best of both worlds: easy commute to a lively, exciting city with lots of culture and transport connections, and a lovely, peaceful home close to family and nature.
I'm feeling quite envious!

What’s limiting about it? Plenty of professionals work in cities or larger towns and enjoy returning to their affluent suburb. What’s the real problem here? Are you embarrassed or ashamed that she returned to Scotland? That you can’t boast about having a daughter living abroad? Would you have the same objections if she decided to settle in a nice little sleepy Australian town?

Love this quote, @Marfs10! (Had never heard it before…)

I can understand your disappointment, OP, but I think you have to do your best to keep it from your DD. You’ve spoken to her about it and she’s given you her reason — and if you make a big deal out of it, you risk alienating her. It does also sound as though the area she’ll be living in is quite different from the village she grew up in. And who knows, maybe she and her DP will move again in the future… I always said I’d never live anywhere other than London when I first moved there 30+ years ago. But I’m not there now!!

Your vicarious life has just been cut off by her decision. Her life, her choice which doesn’t seem as bad as what you’ve referred to.

It’s flattering really OP. It means she didn’t think she had a bad childhood in a rubbish neighborhood. She has fond memories of rural life and wants to replicate the good bits for her own children. Try to enjoy having her close by again. She’s a sensible, educated woman and I’m sure you’ve given her all she needs to make good decisions in life. It’s her life now so let her make her own way.

Could be a lot safer too given the world’s hell bent on war at the moment.

Honestly, I'm not sure what her plan is career wise, she just finished her Doctor of Physiotheraphy in Australia.I'm not sure if her qualification will translate to UK

I'm quite sure it will and that she will be able to pursue a good career in that field.

From someone who was brought up in one of the most deprived areas of Glasgow, Balfron/Killearn is a dream and I'd be over the moon if my child ended up living there. Still live adjacent to my scheme, in an area just a little bit less deprived.

Saltcoats/Ardrossan immediately came to mind with your first post but the difference in these villages to the ones she is moving to are huge! Any future grandkids will have opportunities living there, and will be firmly middle class.

I live in a village of about 3000 in Scotland that's commuter belt to a big city. It's lovely and has an amazing community - great little school, a community centre that is always well supported by locals in fundraisers etc and offers after school clubs, dance lessons, indoor sports and wellness classes, a nice big new playpark, tennis courts, local shops, a nice pub, a well run youth football club, scouts, guides, etc etc etc. Our two kids under 12 have free roam of the village and we never really worry about trouble or crime.

Couldn't really have picked a better place to raise kids despite having been a city dweller for most of my adult life and initially struggling with not having everything I wanted within walking distance! Before I moved to the city I grew up in a shithole village between Glasgow and Edinburgh that had most of the same problems as where you live (there are plenty of them around there!).

Just because you live in a crap village doesn't mean that all villages are crap, and you should trust your daughter to make the right decision on where to settle down - she seems to have made all the right decisions so far. 🌻