Struggling to hide my disappointment at DD returning to a sleepy village

[Cazzai]

Okay, first of all this is no hate on village life, I have lived in a village my whole life, as has my son and we couldn't be happier but this about DD specifically.

My DD is 26, we have lived in a relatively poor Scottish village, honestly it is the type of place that is really hard to get out of, I remember having a conversation with DD where we realised only 3 people from my DDs class of 25 in primary school had moved out of the immediate area at 25. Staying in the area is pretty limiting too, it is commuting distance from Glasgow but the reality is, education is poor, there are massive drug issues and so many young people around here just fall onto these paths. My son has never really managed to escape the cycle, he didn't get great grades at school, pissed around with the wrong people through college and while he is now building a career it is unlikely he will ever leave this area and his kids will no doubt face many of the struggles he has.
My DD however has been one of the lucky few who seem to have been able to break the cycle, she got the top grades for her year at her school, studied abroad for 4 years becoming the first person in our family to get a degree (extending to aunts/uncles and cousins too), saved while studying and managed to do a little over a year of travel (some what difficult thanks to covid) and then settled in Australia to do a 3 year post grad, which she just finished at the end of last year. I think it is beyond remarkable what she has achieved from having a less than ideal start and I'm so incredibly proud of her.
She is also engaged, they've been together 2 years and he proposed at Christmas. He is a bit older than her (34), but also by almost sheer coincidence is Scottish.
DD has recently announced they will be moving back to Scotland, her partner is a teacher and has a job offer for a private school, senior leadership role next school year, they will be coming in April/May. They have decided on looking for a house in some villages 40 minutes or so from the city he will be working in, this is where his family live and while they are more affluent villages than ours, it is still very much sleepy, rural Scotland. They have said they are coming back as they want to start a family and they want their future children to be close to their extended family.
Now don't get me wrong I'm delighted DD will be close again, for the first time in 8 years I will be able to just go meet her for lunch, but if I'm honest, I'm a little devastated too, she worked so hard for all the success she has achieved and now she's giving up all that adventure and freedom.
In my head I know it is irrational, but my heart just feels sad and I don't think I'm hiding it very well either. DD said the last time we spoke "you don't seem all that excited about me coming back". AIBU to be a little disappointed that she is giving it all up after all the work she put in to get out?

TBF, I don’t think a lot of posters will really get your point about these places - they are pretty grim places with lots of social problems/drugs, massive unemployment and I would hate to live in any of them...

I grew up in a village in Lanarkshire so yes, I get it. There are a lot of deprived villages in Scotland - most of the villages OP mentioned are old coal mining villages which were left to die when the mines closed (thanks Tories!) The area the OP's daughter is looking at is not one of them though.

if I'm honest, I'm a little devastated too, she worked so hard for all the success she has achieved and now she's giving up all that adventure and freedom.

@Cazzai Given that she said she'd like to start a family, it seems that she feels she's had all the adventure and freedom she needs?

I am having some of my own issues with my son and in retrospect starting to think we should all be a little more careful with projecting our own issues and disappointments on to our children. I don't want to be offensive or assume anything here but would probably suggest reflecting on whether this is really about your daughter rather than some kind of underlying disappointment for your younger self.

The life of your DD's future kids will be different to one one she had though. They will likely get places in the private school her partner teaches in.

This. She is not returning to the same place having “failed” she’s studied, she’s travelled & now she’s coming back to Scotland to be near family but in a much nicer village which will have much better prospects for her children than the one she grew up with. I live near Glasgow and my kids go to school here & i wish years back before kids i’d gone with my husbands desire to move further away and more rurally before having kids but it is what is is. We stay in a “nice” area as opposed to where i grew up in the east end, careers and enough money to live comfortably. It sounds like your daughter will be able to do that too and they will have options if it’s not what they want down the line.

you are the one stuck. As is your son now but your daughter has shown that knuckling down at school & working hard gives you much better life options down the line. Be proud of her instead of disappointed she hasn’t “failed” in anyway.

I think this is making the same mistake as the OP and making assumptions about what would make someone else happy.

Everyone is different. Not everyone wants freedom and adventure apart from on occasional holidays. Some people want security, peace , long term friends and a steady job.
Some people like a lot of change and excitement but not everyone.

It's not. It's opting for a depressingly small life far too young simply because of meeting an older stick in the mud with a job. If she'd stayed single, or met a Peruvian of her own age, it wouldn't be happening.

I think the best thing to do is to ask her if they've really considered the implications of a 40 minute commute each way for DH. That's 24 hours a month (a whole day!) he's losing to commuting that he could be spending with her or future kids or his hobbies or any one of a million better things. The increased cost of living nearer a city is more than covered by the loss of time + petrol, hassle etc.

Well also asking where she needs to be for her career ambitions not just following him.

How do you know what would or would have happened? Or that she doesn’t want to settle down? 26 is a perfectly normal age to want to start a family. I know that people are having babies later now and that’s perfectly fine but that doesn’t mean that there’s anything odd or wrong or odd with having a baby in your mid 20s.

And people tend to live much the same type of life the world over. Whether in Lima, Sydney, London or Killearn. They go to work, clean, pay bills, have children, raise them, cook, eat, visit family and friends, attend parties and events and enjoy some hobbies. Most are not living a life of constant adventure like Indiana Jones. I don’t know anyone who does live like that and that includes an actual archaeologist.

Absolutely.

@Cazzai I agree with previous posters, you need to get this thread deleted. You have named the village that your daughter is moving to, and it's only got 2000-ish residents. It is VERY IDENTIFYING.

@WednesburyUnreasonable you guessed right. I was deliberately neutral because my issues with the village are nothing to do with the kind of things the OP was worrying about!
All I can say is I was lucky with the friends I made when I moved here but the social divide that tends to occur when some kids go to " the school" ( mine didn't) and some don't can be problematic and my kids found it socially restrictive as teens ( poor public transport too).
However there is a core group of long term locals that muck in together with anyone available to run community events and clubs, although it's getting a bit harder to get younger people to join in.
Could do with a better pub though!

I agree with this. She has moved on. She has been abroad and found outvwhat she likes as an adult and is voting that in motion. She is moving to a nice area that dosent have the problems that yours does.

Hi OP, your DD really reminds me of someone from my village. I’m from an English village which doesn’t sound dissimilar to yours, it’s hard to break the cycle in low income areas, with underperforming schools, even for the brightest kids.
However there was a girl who lived in the village who managed to get 3 As in her A-Levels and had been playing a sport to a high standard. She didn’t have private coaching like many in the sport did but performed staggeringly well at regional and even national level. She was noticed by a coach at a uni in the US at a national competition. The uni ran a summer camp for potential future athletes, he managed to get her into the next one, and got her help with the costs. Off the back of this she was awarded a full fees scholarship. The next year she went out and seemed to do very well. Then a few years ago she came into the shop I was working in, we got chatting and I asked if she was just visiting and she explained she had moved back but was living in a much nicer town 30 minutes away. She explained that she felt she had been given an incredible opportunity that drastically changed the course of her life and she wanted to come back and be able to give back to her community so more kids could break the cycle. She runs coaching at a very very affordable price in the village and now there are more kids being active, she also runs sessions through the school which are totally free for everyone.
I initially thought she was a little crazy for coming back from sunny Florida but now I see that she has been able to find a balance between spreading her wings and nourishing her roots and I think that’s incredible.

Trust your DD, she sounds very smart and capable.

I think you need to give your head a wobble and tell your daughter how happy you are to be on the same land mass as her.

You are totally projecting your frustrations as others have said.

There is no comparison between the areas you are talking about. Them moving to that area gives them a lovely middle class base and place to potentially raise a family whilst being able to potentially commute to many areas for work as their careers develop. They will have all the benefits of village life with easy access to Glasgow and Stirling.

Many of us have left shitty villages, lived in cities, got postgrads, travelled the world and want village life for the next stage of our life.

If she's planning Balfron/Killearn, that's probably a great commuting option if she ends up at FVRH or QUEH doing physio.

Sounds like heaven to me. I grew up in an even smaller village than that and would love to go back, but can't afford to. I wanted to do it when I had my daughter as I wanted to be close to my parents too, but wasn't able to.

Be glad this was her choice. You will be close to her and that's lovely for you both.

I can understand your reaction OP but like many posters don’t think this is bad.

The reality is many people with even 6-figure salaries are struggling because to live in a lovely area near a city is super expensive. Read most threads on MN. The cost of living and childcare is astronomical and hugely stressful to not have family nearby. Living in those areas also comes with social problems and people are forced to go private or scramble for a high priced house in the catchment of a good state school. Your DD has done really well - well done you for encouraging her through all that.

It doesn’t sound like either her or partner will be on ‘banker-salaries’, so it’s infinitely sensible to live in a nice but more affordable area near to family. Good middle class jobs, that are as secure as it gets.

I wish her the best of luck.

You say she’s giving up “adventure and freedom”, but really, how long did you expect her to keep having adventures for? Her whole life? It’s normal for people to wish to settle down at some point, particularly as their 20s draw to a close. Most people want security at some point, and choosing to have that security near one’s family of origin is actually quite sensible in your DD’s case.

Did you perhaps enjoy living your daughter’s adventures vicariously through her? Well, it seems her next adventures will be work, marriage and motherhood. Celebrate those with her so that she’ll keep sharing her life with you. Honestly, there are many on here who’d kill to have their children and grandchildren close by. You’re looking a gift horse in the mouth.