Struggling to hide my disappointment at DD returning to a sleepy village

[Cazzai]

Okay, first of all this is no hate on village life, I have lived in a village my whole life, as has my son and we couldn't be happier but this about DD specifically.

My DD is 26, we have lived in a relatively poor Scottish village, honestly it is the type of place that is really hard to get out of, I remember having a conversation with DD where we realised only 3 people from my DDs class of 25 in primary school had moved out of the immediate area at 25. Staying in the area is pretty limiting too, it is commuting distance from Glasgow but the reality is, education is poor, there are massive drug issues and so many young people around here just fall onto these paths. My son has never really managed to escape the cycle, he didn't get great grades at school, pissed around with the wrong people through college and while he is now building a career it is unlikely he will ever leave this area and his kids will no doubt face many of the struggles he has.
My DD however has been one of the lucky few who seem to have been able to break the cycle, she got the top grades for her year at her school, studied abroad for 4 years becoming the first person in our family to get a degree (extending to aunts/uncles and cousins too), saved while studying and managed to do a little over a year of travel (some what difficult thanks to covid) and then settled in Australia to do a 3 year post grad, which she just finished at the end of last year. I think it is beyond remarkable what she has achieved from having a less than ideal start and I'm so incredibly proud of her.
She is also engaged, they've been together 2 years and he proposed at Christmas. He is a bit older than her (34), but also by almost sheer coincidence is Scottish.
DD has recently announced they will be moving back to Scotland, her partner is a teacher and has a job offer for a private school, senior leadership role next school year, they will be coming in April/May. They have decided on looking for a house in some villages 40 minutes or so from the city he will be working in, this is where his family live and while they are more affluent villages than ours, it is still very much sleepy, rural Scotland. They have said they are coming back as they want to start a family and they want their future children to be close to their extended family.
Now don't get me wrong I'm delighted DD will be close again, for the first time in 8 years I will be able to just go meet her for lunch, but if I'm honest, I'm a little devastated too, she worked so hard for all the success she has achieved and now she's giving up all that adventure and freedom.
In my head I know it is irrational, but my heart just feels sad and I don't think I'm hiding it very well either. DD said the last time we spoke "you don't seem all that excited about me coming back". AIBU to be a little disappointed that she is giving it all up after all the work she put in to get out?

While it sounds like you and your son never like village life it sounds like your daughter did she done really well has been travelling and now wants to settle and raise a family in a place she obviously done fantastic in.
She hasn't lost her freedom she can up and leave if she wants too just be happy for her she obviously is happy.

And, one hopes, afterwards.

As someone who moved away from family I think she's 100% made the right choice. To have the opportunity to regularly see parents, siblings, grandparents is worth so much more than a life in some glamorous location. Not to mention the wonderful practical benefits if she has children, because then she'll have family around to help out!

It's very isolating starting life somewhere away from your roots with no family support networks. I wonder if you would have felt differently if she'd settled in Australia and you had grandchildren you rarely got to see? I have a hugely scattered family due to us all leaving for university and settling far from home. I think there's a lot to be said for families staying near enough that day trip visit is possible. It sounds like you have a tricky neighbourhood, and I sympathise, but hopefully she'll find somewhere close but an improvement on that.

I think your experiences of the village are colouring your views and you’ve got to put them to one side.

There are villages and there are villages. Living in a very poor village, going to a not great school and getting in with the wrong crowd is one thing, but living in a pretty affluent village, going to good/ private schools or maybe a well-regarded 6th form with extra curricular activities, trips to the city/ abroad and a nice big house is completely different. I’m very general terms lots of very affluent people in the south do the latter especially with kids who are at school and who might be worried about crime/ want a bigger house.

It sounds very much like your daughter might be in the latter camp too, so dong worry or sour the experience for her, just give her support and help and enjoy having her close.

Of course you’re being unreasonable - it’s not your life is it? She’s not in prison or sleeping in some alley off her face on drugs, get a grip! (Sorry if that sounds harsh, hoping some tough love might help?)

Actually given what you've described @Cazzai my concern might actually be that your DD settles down into suburban SAHM mode in what can be quite "WAG" territory for want of a better description.
Which, before anyone shoots me, isn't the worst thing in the world!

How has she stopped before she's started? The OP has already said she saved up enough for her travel and education - university in Australia is a lot cheaper than it is here; and qualifications are absolutely transferable to the UK if they weren't you wouldn't have so many nurses here from Australia and New Zealand!
All the OP knows is that her DD plans to live in an affluent village with her fiancé and that they plan to marry before having children.
The OP has shown her disappointment but not even bothered asking her DD what her plans are for work etc.

I don't know the villages in Scotland but I do know what it is like to be in your dd's shoes.

I was the one the got out. The first one in the large extended family to go to uni and work in a professional career. It's a bloody hard road to travel.

Your dd did it. She got out. She won. Her returning isn't a failure. She is returning to the very best bits of her home life. Her career ready to take off. A fiancée with a decent career. Marriage and their own home in a lovely village. Closer to family. All these things are great and most importantly, she has choices.

Be very careful @Cazzai how you approach this. Or you will find that your dd may spend less time and energy with you if she senses that you think she has failed in some way.

I voted YANBU simply because you feel what you feel. You can be disappointed, it doesn't mean you are going to try and influence her to change things.

She has done brilliantly and made choices which have worked out well for her, and there is no reason to think this choice won't, either.

I think you just need time to adapt. Remember she is deliberately choosing to be with her husband and raise a family in her home country, with you nearby, and see this as a positive thing. I am sure your disappointment will disappear as you adjust your expectations.

I think.you shou be thrilled. She's returning to a new life, the life she has made for herself, as a professionally educated, well travelled woman who has a professionally educated, well travelled partner. Her achievements have allowed her to marry up and carve a new sort of life on the right side of the tracks.

It also seems that she hasn't forgotten her love for her family or her roots but she isn't returning to those roots, she's coming alongside them to inhabit a world apart from them.

I think you should just be pleased and proud.

Now, what are you going to do to get yiur son out of his rut?

It sounds like you don't like rural life but maybe she does. Maybe she would prefer to raise her kids in a village.

Gently @Cazzai your daughter will pick up on your negativity if you don't start viewing her and her STBH decision to live near both their families in an affluent village as a positive thing. Your and your son's bad choices have not been her experience and she may regret being near you if she feels you're disappointed in her.

I’d love my DD the same age to be so near and not across the Atlantic.

OP your DD is moving back with choice. To actually come back and choose a nice village. It is a huge difference from never having left.

You are right to be instinctively worried that she has demoted herself to the role of trailing spouse when her young adult life held so much potential. My sister made this mistake and continued to double down on it her whole life and as a result is now an extremely dissatisfied individual impoverished on all levels. But I do believe you can make a mistake for a few years and then come back from it - she has broken out once and can do so again. As a parent to adult children I think you can voice your concerns which are usually the result of your years/wisdom but then let it go - you'll have planted the idea and if she also has doubts, she'll remember it.

I think this is a fairly standard trajectory OP.

She has gone to uni, done a post grad, travelled, found a bloke and now come home to get married and have kids.

Maybe it’s not normal for your family, due to no uni etc, but I think for many people this is a really normal life plan. Nothing to be worried about in particular. Your daughter has amazing qualifications by the sound of it, so won’t be “stuck”. She’ll have a great job and the world is her oyster.

I do appreciate that there is a big difference between Killearn/Balfron and the Ayrshire villages around us. However it still feels very limiting.

DD is actually quite lucky, she doesn't have any student loans, her own dad passed away when she was little (different dad to my son) and when his parents passed away she was their only grandchild so she inherited their house, it wasn't worth much but it covered her post grad fees and her undergrad fees were covered by scholarship and financial aid. She was working all through her post grad (sports coaching) and her undergrad (on campus jobs), so has been able to save too.

In the words of Terry Pratchett ‘coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving’

I have a similar background to your DD and I’ve stayed away. But my best friend who also “escaped” has gone back a bit like your DD, married and they’ve bought a huge house in a beautiful location with lovely schools. Given me and my partners careers returning isn’t really an option but I do wistfully look at their lifestyle. Your DD is absolutely winning. If she wants to open a private physio practice she’ll be in the right area for demand. Your daughter is an educated well travelled woman making informed choices. And isn’t it fab she’s settling down and planning kids so you’ll get GC who will be near by. Would you rather she’d stayed in Oz and you barely saw them because you somehow perceive that to be better than Scotland?

Don’t try to vicariously live through your daughter. If you’re disappointed with the choices you made for your own life then that’s for you to make peace with, but she’s an adult and has explored the world and made this choice. Living in a nice village is not the same as living in a bad village. It’s an absolute gift for children to grow up in quiet rural surroundings with safety and freedom to play out.

You're disappointed in your daughter... for planning to move to one of the nicest and highest achieving academic catchments in the country. YABU.

For people unfamiliar with the area, the Killearn, Balfron region is extremely nice, very affluent, and a place to which many professionals aspire to move. It's a lovely place to live and visit, with excellent schools and good commuting for two cities and a number of towns, and easy access to a national park which includes Loch Lomond.

As someone who moved from a sleepy village to a massive city and then back to a little village in the middle of nowhere, I don't blame your daughter.

City living is awful, there's a lot of stabbings/violence, the costs are ridiculous etc I don't regret for a moment bringing up my dc in the countryside. I only wish I did it sooner.

She's had adventures, and it says a lot if she'd rather come back home after experiencing all that. Now go and enjoy your mother & daughter time and potentially grandchildren time in the future!

She’s making a really good choice by being near family. Connections like that make people happy!

My DD is about the same age as yours and has grown up and always lived in London. If she stays here she will always be competing with large numbers of other highly educated people and will almost certainly never afford to buy any kind of home for herself let alone a family sized home with a garden.

She and her bf have looked at living in Scotland because he has relatives there. If they had close family they would move there like a shot. Your daughter is making a great decision (as long as she doesn’t give up her career).

Where did you see her living did you imagine her staying in Australia?