Struggling to hide my disappointment at DD returning to a sleepy village

[Cazzai]

Okay, first of all this is no hate on village life, I have lived in a village my whole life, as has my son and we couldn't be happier but this about DD specifically.

My DD is 26, we have lived in a relatively poor Scottish village, honestly it is the type of place that is really hard to get out of, I remember having a conversation with DD where we realised only 3 people from my DDs class of 25 in primary school had moved out of the immediate area at 25. Staying in the area is pretty limiting too, it is commuting distance from Glasgow but the reality is, education is poor, there are massive drug issues and so many young people around here just fall onto these paths. My son has never really managed to escape the cycle, he didn't get great grades at school, pissed around with the wrong people through college and while he is now building a career it is unlikely he will ever leave this area and his kids will no doubt face many of the struggles he has.
My DD however has been one of the lucky few who seem to have been able to break the cycle, she got the top grades for her year at her school, studied abroad for 4 years becoming the first person in our family to get a degree (extending to aunts/uncles and cousins too), saved while studying and managed to do a little over a year of travel (some what difficult thanks to covid) and then settled in Australia to do a 3 year post grad, which she just finished at the end of last year. I think it is beyond remarkable what she has achieved from having a less than ideal start and I'm so incredibly proud of her.
She is also engaged, they've been together 2 years and he proposed at Christmas. He is a bit older than her (34), but also by almost sheer coincidence is Scottish.
DD has recently announced they will be moving back to Scotland, her partner is a teacher and has a job offer for a private school, senior leadership role next school year, they will be coming in April/May. They have decided on looking for a house in some villages 40 minutes or so from the city he will be working in, this is where his family live and while they are more affluent villages than ours, it is still very much sleepy, rural Scotland. They have said they are coming back as they want to start a family and they want their future children to be close to their extended family.
Now don't get me wrong I'm delighted DD will be close again, for the first time in 8 years I will be able to just go meet her for lunch, but if I'm honest, I'm a little devastated too, she worked so hard for all the success she has achieved and now she's giving up all that adventure and freedom.
In my head I know it is irrational, but my heart just feels sad and I don't think I'm hiding it very well either. DD said the last time we spoke "you don't seem all that excited about me coming back". AIBU to be a little disappointed that she is giving it all up after all the work she put in to get out?

If your daughter is a qualified physiotherapist, she will be able to pursue a career wherever she is

^This! ^
@Cazzai
I've only read the first and last pages of this thread, but I HATE YOU!!!
(Please believe that I'm joking of course......)
My young adult daughter has lived in the USA for 12 years.
I can't see her coming back, (she's married to an American and has an academic post there).
We visit, she visits, and I have never asked her to come back, or guilt-tripped her into feeling she should.
But yes, I'm envious of you, and as @Peclet has said, I would give my "right arm" for her to be closer!

Firstly OP-try to get this thread deleted. You could be easily identifiable and if your daughter sees it she could be very upset and it could affect your relationship.
Don't try to live through your daughter. She is an individual with her own preferences and it is up to her to decide what makes her happy. You have done your job now in giving her opportunities.
I was the first person in my family and extended family to go to university and it did come with expectations from my parents.
When I told my Dad that I was expecting my first child ( I had been married for two years and working for seven years) he commented that I might as well have left school at 16. He later was a devoted grandad but it was hurtful at the time. I did sometimes feel constrained from making my own choices.
Are you happy with your own life and work? Now your children are grown up is there anything new that you would like to pursue?
Let your daughter make her own decisions and support her. She is in a position to live a very nice life and some people prefer a more rural community.

You are being more than unreasonable @Cazzai !!!!

You are being ludicrously unreasonable.

And I also think you're massively projecting, because you've not had the life you want (because you couldn't manage to leave the village,) and your son has not done anything with his life and lots of other people around you haven't.

You don't want your daughter to come back into the rural life of Scotland? Why......? Millions of people manage to live a rural life and still have a successful life and a successful career and be perfectly happy and solvent.

We live in a rural village in the Shires, but we still manage to have a normal life/work life, and not be restricted and cut off from everything. You know, some people even work from home now sometimes!! AND rural villages have the internet too! Some of them even have public transport! And many people have cars!

I can't believe that you're actually angry that your DD has come back from Australia after 4-5 years. I'd have been really upset if my DC went to Australia (would never have said but would have been upset!) and when they came back after four or five years, I'd be throwing a party! Especially if they decided to come back to live within 40 minutes drive from me.

I find your post really strange. You're not being unreasonable to be very happy that your daughter's done really well, but I find it really, really odd that you seem actually angry that she's coming back to live close to home. I can't think of a single adult parent, who wouldn't want their adult child to come closer to where they live if they've been 100s or 1000s of miles away for some years.

Have a word of yourself. This is a good thing!!!

TBH I think she sounds amazing! She has travelled ,lived away from home ,met a nice guy who is also Scottish.Really so many people DC do this ,but stay in Oz and obv more difficult to see them regularly.I think PP saying she would be concerned about the age gap is misguided. 26 is a reasonable age to settle down esp if she wants a family in the future .Be happy for her .

They are career oriented earners. This will make a great difference between the life you've had and the life they have chosen. They've experienced different ways of life and know what they're doing. Butt out.

I visited your area recently as have family there and would be gutted if my adult dcs lived there. We also live in an English village that has issues but my dcs don't live here.

Sounds like dd is going to a nicer area though. Cities aren't all they're cracked up to be. Am sure she'll be ok.

Have you met her man?

i was more thinking of the plethora of private schools in and around Edinburgh...

not sure if this is 'comprehensive' (not pun intended)

It sounds like you gave your children a happy childhood that they want for their families

And they are moving to a good area - so she has benefited from her hard work

Life should not be measured in how successful a career you have and your status in the world but in happiness

@Cazzai She will have a good life in Balfron / Killearn.

It's nothing like the Ayrshire villages with drug problems.

She can easily work in Glasgow or Stirling, and Balfron / Killearn are good areas to raise kids.

If I were you I'd be very happy for her.

Maybe you could focus on trying to move to that part of the country to be closer to her? And possibly your son too? A fresh start?

I am 99% this is the village I grew up in. Wee County, right?

I found it socially stifling for reasons that are probably quite personal, but lots of people stay or return!

YABU. I grew up in a small village in Scotland that was similarly blighted with drug and alcohol problems. I too “escaped” and had no intentions of returning to live there. However, after 10 years of living in England and abroad, my (also Scottish!) partner and I decided to return to Scotland to raise a family (not to the same town though - a much nicer place that is commutable to a city)

As soon as we moved home it was like a sigh of relief! I hadn’t realised how much I missed the landscape, the country, the humour! And as much as I enjoyed my time abroad and met some lovely people, it was so nice & so much easier to friends with people who had the same cultural references. And we could spend time with family - my parents and siblings have a great relationship with my kids that they wouldn’t have if we had stayed living away.

Sounds like she has her head screwed on and is making plans to settle down (Killearn is lovely!)
Try to be positive for her! Wouldn’t you hate it if they had stayed in Australia and had children there?

YABVU

Communities need young, educated, local people to be making money locally, having children locally and providing continuity.

I get you are wanting what’s best for your children, you are wanting them to achieve more than you did. You daughter has already excelled by the sounds of it and is wanting to be closer to family, which many parents would love. It doesn’t mean she’s taking a step back :)

You’re totally right that those experiences shape people.
Thats also what might make it really hard for her to move back.

I have to say my first reaction @Cazzai was ‘Will she really happy to settle back in that life?’

I totally hear you, OP. You want your child to expand her horizons, having ventured so far, and in your shoes I'd worry that this move home was chiefly mandated by the older fiancé, his job and his desire to 'settle down' and have children. It's not something I would like for a 26 year old who has just qualified on the other side of the world. It's a foreclosing of her options.

It’s perfectly normal for a 26 year old to want to start a family. Nothing odd about that.

This thread is very similar to another recently where the OP was disappointed that her daughter was considering studying abroad in the USA as she had never worked and had an older DP.

Except it's moving to an affluent and well-connected area with great employment options. People living in that area have easy commuter access to two cities and the motorway network - a healthcare professional living in that area can easily access 3 well-resourced health boards plus the multiple private sector options in the area. She's not moving to the middle of nowhere, she's moving to where many similarly qualified professionals with ambition base themselves for good career opportunities and longer-term opportunities for starting a family with the combination of easy access to urban and rural resources and excellent schools.

But she's 26, well educated, travelled and lived abroad, and apparently knows what she wants her future to look like - and that future, for now at least, involves living in a nice part of Scotland and not too far from her family. How on earth is this a foreclosing of her options?

Exactly, @Scirocco , the OP has painted a picture of her DD returning to the exact same life she left, when in reality it's totally different.

But she’s not moving to one of these I gather - Killearn/Balfron you said?

TBF, I don’t think a lot of posters will really get your point about these places - they are pretty grim places with lots of social problems/drugs, massive unemployment and I would hate to live in any of them - calling them “rural villages” conjures up picturesque places with strong community, quaint tea rooms and lovely country pubs etc - these places are not what I think of when I think “village” - if you’re not from Ayrshire (and similar Scottish areas) you won’t understand just how bleak these places can be. That said, Alloway, Wemyss Bay, Inverkip (although not Ayrshire) and a few others are pretty nice and close to the sea which I would love.

But if DD is moving to a village/small town in a “better” part of Scotland, she could have a great life.

Balfron is very nice no?!

Try not to worry OP. She sounds like she’s doing very well.

She already had a year of freedom and adventure. That's not a realistic way to live long term. It's good to have a home base.