Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

[ThatRubyMoose]

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

I don't think your SIL has done anything wrong.

I feel like surely you are the SIL from the way you’ve written this, but either way SIL didn’t do anything wrong. She made it clear she was busy and wasn’t available for a visit. She doesn’t have to include her boyfriend’s mother when she sees her own family.

I’m not sure what SIL did wrong - she said she wasn’t available and your mum ringing the doorbell when she’d been told that was intrusive. SIL is completely entitled to have her own time with her family and it’s not like she doesn’t spend nice time with your mother. I wouldn’t have rung the doorbell in that situation.

Your mother should have just left the stuff in the porch as arranged, she basically tried to gatecrash a family visit.

Your SIL did nothing wrong imo.

I presume that for whatever reason your SIL didn't want your mum to come and meet her family. Maybe she wanted to focus on them, maybe she was embarrassed by them, who knows. I can understand why your mum knocked (though I don't think she should have) but for her to now be upset she wasn't invited in is unreasonable. It sounds like your SIL is extremely accommodating and welcoming to your mum most of the time so it would be foolish for your mum to jeopardise this by making a fuss. Interested to know how far your brother makes a similar effort with your mum?

Well, technically, she was unavailable.

I mean I would never have a family member knock on my door and not let them in, and your SIL is rude for that, but your mum probably shouldn’t have knocked 🤷‍♀️

How rude of her to knock on the door, she knew that the sil was unavailable.

I’d never do this to my MIL. I think SIL was rude and missed an opportunity to introduce them to one another.

Four years she has lived with your brother, how have the families never met before?

It's understandable when you are entertaining one set of family members you might not want to include a member of another part of the family

Your sister in law sounds very kind to your mum overall

I think SIL was rude. I can’t imagine anyone not inviting their future MIL in to say a quick hello.

Argh this is all a bit of awkward on every side isn't it. Best thing to do is everyone moves on. No good will come of thrashing over who is in the right.

SIL said she wasn't available because she wasn't available, she was hosting her family. It sounds like she already hosts your mum loads, without your brother there - she stops working once a week/ fortnight to entertain her and goes on days out on top of that (incidentally, does your brother does the same back for her mum?). She hasn't done anything wrong here.

This x 100!

I would have invited her in out of pure awkwardness and then thought about how bloody rude your mum was, I also would have apologised to my family for the intrusion! They could have been around for any reason at all, it could have been something very personal. Your mum has serious main character syndrome for trying to impose the way she did and now making herself out to be a victim.

Why did she knock? She was asked to drop and go.

But she has a regular catch-up with your mum, stops to chat and so on.

Your mum asked but was told she was unavailable. But she knocked anyway then is all pissed when she wasn't invited in?!

She seems to think SIL's time is hers no matter if it's convenient or unplanned to visit.

I'm on Team SIL for enforcing healthy boundaries here. People expecting your time that you don't have to give is ridiculous and the pushing boundaries if SIL hears any more may result in her naturally want to spend LESS time with your mum anyway.

She had a million reasons why she may have wanted her existing plans not interrupted - supporting a family member with something? Wanting time to catch up on a rare day off together? Who knows? The fact is she had plans, she communicated them, your mum needs to make other social connections if she's put out by any of this.

Agree with the majority. SIL is entitled to have family time with her own family and she did let MIL know in advance she would be otherwise engaged.

It would have been nice for her to have invited your mum in, but not compulsory.

I don't know what there is to complain about. Your SIL takes time out several times a month to spend with your mum and is considerate enough to go places that she knows your mum likes. It shouldn't be expected for your mum to join in with her plans to see her family. Maybe there was something her family needed to talk through that was not appropriate to bring a stranger to them into. Your SIL sounds genuinely nice towards your mum and spends time with her without your brother around.

incidentally, does your brother does the same back for her mum

And this, absolutely!!

Go ahead and let your mother phone your brother to complain and see how quickly those weekly visits and day trips out dry up.

SIL is perfectly entitled to host her own family without interruption, in her own home. Your mother was the rude one here since she already had notice SIL was unavailable and knocked anyway.

How did she know there were people in the house? Was she peering in the windows?

In this instance, even if I knew people were in the house, I would have left the stuff on the porch because I would have assumed she was unavailable.

Its pretty unfriendly i agree

SiL is normally fully accomodating. On this occasion she was busy and told your mum in advance.

Your mum doesnt have a right to be invited in to meet SiL family if it wasn't convenient. Perhaps someone was revealing an illness, a divorce or something else. Your mum has no idea what was going on.

MIL was told SIL was unavailable and she still knocked and intruded. MIL is out of order. SIL is allowed to entertain in her own home without the MIL involved.

I am going against the majority- it is rude not to invite the MIL in. It would have been better for her to say that she isn’t free at all rather than asking MIL to drop stuff on the porch.