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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

964 replies

ThatRubyMoose · 13/02/2025 18:48

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

OP posts:
FKAT · 13/02/2025 20:11

5 pages in and we still haven't had anyone asking if your Mum declares these freebies as a taxable benefit on her P11D.

MN's gone to the dogs.

TomatoSandwiches · 13/02/2025 20:12

ConstanceM · 13/02/2025 20:11

Shows what kind of person you are..So you also live a house your DH bought and then block his Mother from coming into the house because of really really important and significant PLANS. Do me a favour. Have a heart and soul, it's free

It's not the MILs fucking house, she doesn't get a say.

WeCanOnlyDoOurBest · 13/02/2025 20:12

ThatRubyMoose · 13/02/2025 18:48

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

If your mum wants that excellent relationship with SIL and DB ruining tell her to go right on ahead and call him with her complaints.
TBH I think your mum is treading on very thin ice, because if she’d knocked on my door when I asked her to leave things in the porch after telling her I was not available I would’ve let her know I was very displeased. The fact she then expected to be invited in when is unacceptable. SIL is entitled to private time with family and your mother was downright rude, she’s not ‘entitled’ to be included in everything

Peclet · 13/02/2025 20:13

It’s just, offish/cold,antisocial to behave like SIL.

I think any other person would have said

Oh my sister and kids are calling round today, can we do another day so you can stop in, it will be manic here

all upfront and pleasant. Nothing hidden.

badly done by SIL imo.

IThoughtHeWasWithYou · 13/02/2025 20:13

PinkArt · 13/02/2025 18:59

SIL said she wasn't available because she wasn't available, she was hosting her family. It sounds like she already hosts your mum loads, without your brother there - she stops working once a week/ fortnight to entertain her and goes on days out on top of that (incidentally, does your brother does the same back for her mum?). She hasn't done anything wrong here.

Yes I’m another one who completely agrees with this. SIL goes out of her way to invite her over/out with her. If she doesn’t see her own family as much, I don’t think it’s wrong that she didn’t invite MIL in. ESPECIALLY as she’d already said “heads up, I’m not available so please just drop it off”. She’d essentially already said “I’m entertaining another group so I can’t really host you”.

OP, are you SIL? You sound lovely. But my MIL got her nose out of joint once over a slight, and despite me regularly going for lunch/coffee with her before that without DP, she now can be a bit frosty. Years of great relationship torpedoed because I wasn’t available once for her. We still get on, but she’s holding on to the negative.

CaptainFuture · 13/02/2025 20:13

ConstanceM · 13/02/2025 20:11

Shows what kind of person you are..So you also live a house your DH bought and then block his Mother from coming into the house because of really really important and significant PLANS. Do me a favour. Have a heart and soul, it's free

So sil is subordinate to mil and has to do what she wants, when she wants regardless?

tillytown · 13/02/2025 20:13

Why is the MIL going around during the day instead of when her son is there? Doesn't your mum know how disruptive she is being by going around during work hours, or does she just not care? The gf sounds really nice, MIL sounds completely overbearing. But all means let your mum confront your brother about it, maybe then he'll put a stop to the work day visits and the gf won't have to deal with this anymore.

Niallig32839 · 13/02/2025 20:13

I think sil was rude and it’s strange she didn’t say I have so and so over so not the best time but feel free to pop over and say hi and invite her in. Mil would I’d assume say hi, drop off what she needs, be offered a cup of tea but know it’s not ideal to stay and be on her way with no one’s feelings being hurt, no one inconvenienced and not a second thought about it all.

Completelyjo · 13/02/2025 20:13

ConstanceM · 13/02/2025 20:11

Shows what kind of person you are..So you also live a house your DH bought and then block his Mother from coming into the house because of really really important and significant PLANS. Do me a favour. Have a heart and soul, it's free

A heart and a soul? Maybe the woman’s son should be one to entertain her for a change! Why is it always the wives and girlfriends who are expected to pander to everyone?
Block the mother from coming in? Her son wasn’t there, so what business does she have in the house?

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 13/02/2025 20:13

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.
She already overstayed hed welcome by knocking. SIL does a lot with your mum, she's entitled to also do things without her including family visits.

YouDeserveBetterSoAskForIt · 13/02/2025 20:14

Your SIL sounds like a dream. She has been lovely spending time with her, going to garden centres etc.

SIL is perfectly entitled to spend time with her own family alone.

BlwyddynNewydd · 13/02/2025 20:14

I think she's rude. She's happy for your mum to drop of freebies. But didn't want her to come in. Why didn't she arrange for a diff day, asking her to drop and run is a bit rude

phoenixrosehere · 13/02/2025 20:14

ConstanceM · 13/02/2025 20:04

GIVING NOTICE! Who does she think she is, the Queen of Sheba? Just let the woman in, say hello, have a cuppa then she can go. She's happy enough to accept the FREEBIES every other week. No respect some people. Family is family.

It’s not the first time MIL dropped things off while SIL was unavailable. OP literally says that it wasn’t an issue before including SIL being on a Zoom call so why is it one now?

Not a problem when SIL is at home talking to someone on a computer, yet because she has actual people over, it is.

Edwina8320 · 13/02/2025 20:16

I think it was rude of the mil to knock on the door.

ERthree · 13/02/2025 20:16

Your SIL is rude.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 13/02/2025 20:16

What I don’t get is why the SIL told mum to
leave stuff in the porch while she had family round? I think that’s very grabby, rude and unkind.
While she seems to have a good relationship with MIL, she’s clearly enjoying the freebies that go with it, and MIL is respectful of her space.
All this hosting and not available bollocks she’s not a predator she’s family - invite her in and make her a cuppa.
I don’t know what’s wrong with people on here. I despair reading some of it.
However, I would advise the mum to
leave it and learn from it. Stop leaving freebies in porches for starters, she’s not a bloody Evri driver.

ConstanceM · 13/02/2025 20:17

TomatoSandwiches · 13/02/2025 20:08

She doesn't owe anyone her time especially if she's already said she's busy, why would anyone knock on someone's door if they've been told by the occupant they're busy, you don't get to decide otherwise because it doesn't qualify as busy in your tiny mind.

Let's also not pretend that MIL gives these freebies for SILs benefit! She's been dropping these things off for her son long before SIL lived there, perhaps MIL can wait until her son is in and hand deliver them to him instead.

You're nice

Itiswhysofew · 13/02/2025 20:17

Aww, tell your DM not to let this upset her. SIL did say she'd be unavailable. There must be a good reason why she wasn't invited in. Has DM met SIL family already?

It seems like she's got a nice friendship with SIL and it'd be a shame to lose that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/02/2025 20:18

DoughnutDonna · 13/02/2025 19:04

incidentally, does your brother does the same back for her mum

And this, absolutely!!

Oh I think we all know the answer to this.

Octavia64 · 13/02/2025 20:19

SIL could have been hosting almost anything which would make it not appropriate to invite your mum in.

Family funeral, etc.

I doubt SIL actually wants the stuff your mum drops round she just tolerates her doing so.

PinkArt · 13/02/2025 20:19

Ellaelle · 13/02/2025 20:05

Sorry if it's been said already, but is anyone else intrigued by the freebies and what they actually are and whether they are indeed "freebies"

Very much so. Are we talking end of the day doughnuts from Greggs or ex display items from De Beers!

ThatCyanJoker · 13/02/2025 20:21

SIL sounds like a user, what a hurtful way to behave towards your poor mum.

sunshineandshowers40 · 13/02/2025 20:22

They have a good relationship, she obviously had guests so didn't invite her in. Maybe it would have been awkward for your SIL and she didn't want your mum to come in and then stay. I would encourage your mum to let it go.

UndermyShoeJoe · 13/02/2025 20:23

This is going to be one of those things where the entire mil dil relationship ends up ruined.

Because both sides see it different.

Dil. I’m busy sorry please drop off (something she’s done since before Dil lived there)

Mil.. oh she’s actually in with people so I’m going to knock and knock till she answers and invites me in.

Dil. Oh sorry did you not get my text? I said I wouldn’t be available.

Mil… but but but other people are here (in her head not out loud)

Dil and her family… who was that… mil, I told her I was busy… how rude

Mil…. Rants to other child how rude, I’m going to ring son and bitch and moan.

Son… she said she was busy you should have just left them or not come mum.

mil… strops.

dil… fuck that you can deal with her from now on, tell her not to interrupt me while I’m at work in future.

boom. 🤯

Kahless · 13/02/2025 20:24

I8toys · 13/02/2025 19:07

MIL was told SIL was unavailable and she still knocked and intruded. MIL is out of order. SIL is allowed to entertain in her own home without the MIL involved.

Totally agree with you and others on this thread