Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

[ThatRubyMoose]

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

" if Friend D, who doesn't know A and B, and is a very different person to them and probably wouldn't get along immediately, turns up, I wouldn't invite them in. Does that make sense?"

Why would you be friends with anybody who wouldn't be nice to your other friends?
Are you one of those people who changes personality depending on who they're with?

"Can you really not imagine any scenario in which someone is hosting people you don't know, and is thus unavailable to see you? Really, not even if you put your mind to it?"

But in that case, why not tell MiL to come round another time rather than treat her like a delivery woman you've never met, being happy to take the presents but not to talk to her!

It is MIL who chooses the day of delivery!

Not. The. Point.

DIL has agency. “Thanks MIL, but another day will work better.”

No. Issues. Created.

Absolutely the point

DIL didn't insist she came round then

MIL has agency too. "OK, if you aren't free then I'll bring it another day"

No. Issues. Created.

I like your of use punctuation.

and I agree with you

I said a few pages back that MIL had agency, she can choose a different day to go. That's what most people would do, surely, if they were told the person they were hoping to see was unavailable on that day?

She goes on a Tuesday because that's what suits her. Most of the time that's fine, the DIL pauses her work, invites MIL in for a chat and gives her food and drink; on this occasion it wasn't convenient.

How in any sense does that translate to the DIL being at fault?

People keep saying the DIL should have arranged another day. Why?? In the past MIL has demonstrated zero issue with dropping the items on the doorstep and buggering off. DIL had no reason to believe today would be any different. If she didn’t have previous for this, sure, there could be confusion. But on every occasion DIL has requested items be dropped and left and she not be disturbed as she was unavailable, this has been met with ZERO PROTEST.

the problem is MIL seeing that she was unavailable for a different reason than she assumed. The further problem being the lack of invite inside after her knocking. If she had knocked and was told SIL is still busy, and went home fine, this wouldn’t be the issue it is. MIL cried offended that she didn’t get an immediate invite in for tea.

Irregardless, this isn’t different friendship groups. This is her MIL. She is beyond entitled to spend quality time with her own family, focused on them, discussing whatever private matters she wants with them, without having her MIL present or in need of hosting.

The point really is how sil reacted to the unexpected knock at the door. Mil clearly thought there had been a change of plan. Understandable imo as most people can manage to answer the door if they are at home. Obviously she was mistaken and if sil had been polite while making it clear she couldn't invite mil in I would say that's weirdly unfriendly but OK. As it is I think she was unnecessarily rude and hurtful.

MIL has agency too. "OK, if you aren't free then I'll bring it another day"

why would MIL do that though? Makes no sense at all. She had no idea DIL was intending to be at home entertaining others. Only DIL knew that.

But why did MIL need to knock on the door at all? She'd been told DIL was unavailable so it was incredibly rude of her to knock on the door at all, let alone more than once.

@Lostcat MIL had all the information she required. She knew the day before that DIL would not be available - at that point she could have chosen not to come, which would have been perfectly reasonable imo. What is not reasonable is to choose to come anyway and then get all upset that the person she had been told was unavailable was, in fact, unavailable.

I think this is where we are going to have to agree to disagree. I don't see making a wrong assumption about the acceptability of knocking on your own dil's door as anything approaching "incredibly rude" and so the sil's reaction and the subsequent lauding of it on this thread comes across as incredibly harsh. Do the same people accept generous hospitality, forgiveness and childcare favours etc from their ILs? Because imo that makes it even worse if so.

To put it another way, if mil and family had been the ones visiting (and perhaps dh was also home), how would PPs respond to their own mum ringing the bell as she was dropping something off? Would it really ge along the lines of "what part of unavailable don't you understand?". It just strikes me as so cold.

If you're wanting to put it in context, which is fair enough, I would just refer you back to the OP which states that normally the SIL will 'stop work, make a coffee, elevenses or lunch... And they will have a chat'.

If that's the nature of their relationship generally, it really is a bit twattish to complain on the rare occasion when SIL isn't available to do that.

I really don’t understand what you are failing to grasp. MIL didn’t have a problem with DIL being unavailable. That’s why she didn’t suggest a different day. She had no reason to suggest a different day as she had no idea that DIL would be at home entertaining other family while she was delivering free gifts to the door.
MIL did not have a problem with DIL being unavailable on that day.
She had a problem with DIL entertaining family while she was expected to deliver freebies to the door and then skulk off without so much as a hello. She had a problem with that cos it’s rude.

It’s a hurtful way to treat someone. Simple as that. As a pp pointed out, I doubt many pps would be treating their own mother that way.

What part of privacy don't people understand?

MIL seems to think she's on a pedestal, perhaps because her son owns the house, and that she can come and go at will regardless of what DIL has going on.

How utterly entitled.

Let's hope she has learned her lesson. Privacy is more valuable than manky "freebies," whatever they are.

No, MIL made it clear she was upset that she wasn’t INVITED INSIDE. This isn’t a “she was rude at the door” issue, according to OP, the issue was the lack of invite to join in DIL’s plans. When DIL opened the door she expected to be let inside, and was very upset this did not happen. THIS makes the MIL rude and entitled.

I'm not failing to grasp anything, thanks.

it's not rude to be unavailable when you have warned someone the previous day that you will be unavailable. The reason is none of MIL's business.

And by the way, MIL isn't 'expected' to deliver anything, she chooses to do so.

Because she knew DIL was UNAVAILABLE

Doesn't matter why she's unavailable. She is and if you want to go in you make other plans when told it doesn't work for her

Knocking the door and expecting to be let in is rude. You ignored instructions, could have made plans to come another time if leaving it was an issue and intruded upon SIL's time with other people.

Here we are with the capital letters again. I'm not sure it makes your argument any more persuasive. Just underlines the unwarranted aggression.

I am trying to imagine the lives of these people who don't understand simple terminology like "unavailable."

Availability or lack thereof has nothing to do with physical presence or absence.

If your manager says "Janet, I'm not available this afternoon," and then you see her in her office, do you knock? Let alone knock repeatedly until she gets up and comes to the door?

If your hair stylist says she is unavailable on Tuesday, but you walk past the salon and she's in there talking to someone, do you waltz in and demand service?

And so on. Anyone is free to declare herself unavailable, whether she is performing neo-natal neurosurgery or sitting in front of Netflix with a bag of crisps. It's not up to anyone to question that.

A grown woman beating at the door when she can see someone is entertaining visitors - honestly, who does that? Let alone crying and threatening to tattle to her son. What was she going to say? "your girlfriend wouldn't let me in to her afternoon tea! It's your house and I am your mother so I must be deferred to at all times! How dare she declare herself 'unavailable' to me!"

It would be amusing if it weren't so sad to see a 50-something adult be so clueless.

I think they are trying to highlight the word ‘unavailable’ which so many posters seem to be having trouble with.

*highlights the word you seem unable to understand and read