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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

964 replies

ThatRubyMoose · 13/02/2025 18:48

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

OP posts:
Lostcat · 22/02/2025 08:55

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 21/02/2025 19:49

Because she knew DIL was UNAVAILABLE

Doesn't matter why she's unavailable. She is and if you want to go in you make other plans when told it doesn't work for her

Knocking the door and expecting to be let in is rude. You ignored instructions, could have made plans to come another time if leaving it was an issue and intruded upon SIL's time with other people.

Again, MIL had no issue with DIL being unavailable.
Leaving the gift at the door wasn’t an issue.

The issue was being expected to deliver gifts to the doorstep without a peep while DIL was obviously inside the house entertaining others. This was an issue for MIL because she experienced this treatment as rude, disrespectful and hurtful. Many, many others would feel the same as demonstrated by this thread .

MIL couldn’t avoid this situation ( by arranging delivery for a different day) as she had no idea it was going to occur. The only person who knew this in advance and could have taken action to avoid it was DIL. If she had an ounce of consideration and respect for her MIL she would have done so.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 22/02/2025 09:42

Yes, MIL COULD avoid it by NOT going when she'd been told the DIL was unavailable

It's not up to MIL to judge what is acceptable as unavailable. She was told the person she was visiting was unavailable and still decided to go and just drop in the doorway.

DIL does not have to justify what she means by unavailable. She gave MIL that information. MIL could have not gone round. She could have not knocked the door and tried to intrude. She could have been a big girl about it and not made a scene. It was MIL who made all these choices and made an issue.

thing47 · 22/02/2025 10:08

I can only conclude from this thread that some people think they are owed an explanation as to what other people are doing, and why. And that simply being told that someone is busy or unavailable isn't sufficient. By logical extension, then they think that they get to judge whether that explanation meets THEIR threshold of reasonableness.

They don't, I'm afraid. That's absolute nonsense.

Lostcat · 22/02/2025 10:22

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 22/02/2025 09:42

Yes, MIL COULD avoid it by NOT going when she'd been told the DIL was unavailable

It's not up to MIL to judge what is acceptable as unavailable. She was told the person she was visiting was unavailable and still decided to go and just drop in the doorway.

DIL does not have to justify what she means by unavailable. She gave MIL that information. MIL could have not gone round. She could have not knocked the door and tried to intrude. She could have been a big girl about it and not made a scene. It was MIL who made all these choices and made an issue.

Yes, MIL COULD avoid it by NOT going when she'd been told the DIL was unavailable

But being unavailable wasn’t the problem 🤣🤣🤣🤣

There was absolutely no need for DIL to justify and explain herself. All she needed to do was to ask MIL not to deliver the gifts at that time.

Lostcat · 22/02/2025 10:23

thing47 · 22/02/2025 10:08

I can only conclude from this thread that some people think they are owed an explanation as to what other people are doing, and why. And that simply being told that someone is busy or unavailable isn't sufficient. By logical extension, then they think that they get to judge whether that explanation meets THEIR threshold of reasonableness.

They don't, I'm afraid. That's absolute nonsense.

I can only conclude from this thread that some people think they are owed an explanation as to what other people are doing, and why*

Well then you are not listening and evidently rather obtuse.

Tenthousandspoonsitslike · 22/02/2025 10:55

“My SiL gets on with my mum; SiL initiated the relationship. She also invites my mum on outings , I imagine because they get on and have the same attitude to things not because sister enjoys what I called the ‘freebies’.

I reiterate on the occasions SiL isn’t available stuff is left in the porch. No issue.
on this

Almost always SiL will extend visit or even ask her to accompany her somewhere.
We accept that Mum should not have knocked on door but the intention was not to intrude or demand introductions.”

@Lostcat this is what OP has said regarding the relationship between the two women. I think you’re putting your own interpretation in things to be honest. Nothing that OP has said points to SIL being the selfish materialistic grabber that you are making her out to be. And OP has said their relationship seems to be built on a mutual attitude and not love of freebies. She also said MIL accepts she shouldn’t have knocked.

it sounds like there was confusion and misunderstanding on both sides, but SIL had told her MIL that she wasn’t available, which you can’t seem to accept.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 22/02/2025 14:22

Lostcat · 22/02/2025 10:22

Yes, MIL COULD avoid it by NOT going when she'd been told the DIL was unavailable

But being unavailable wasn’t the problem 🤣🤣🤣🤣

There was absolutely no need for DIL to justify and explain herself. All she needed to do was to ask MIL not to deliver the gifts at that time.

Edited

Ffs

MIL is a 50 year old adult

She can make a decision on whether she wants to drop off in the porch or not

She also made the decision to knock and have a strop because "unavailable" didn't mean what she thought it should and sulk that she couldn't gatecrash

And Fwiw plenty of PP have said she should have justified her unavailability

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 22/02/2025 14:24

Lostcat · 22/02/2025 10:23

I can only conclude from this thread that some people think they are owed an explanation as to what other people are doing, and why*

Well then you are not listening and evidently rather obtuse.

Edited

You obviously haven't read PP saying "well if she'd just said she was with family then..."

Aka "justify your availability to me"

gannett · 22/02/2025 14:49

Gwenhwyfar · 21/02/2025 12:46

" if Friend D, who doesn't know A and B, and is a very different person to them and probably wouldn't get along immediately, turns up, I wouldn't invite them in. Does that make sense?"

Why would you be friends with anybody who wouldn't be nice to your other friends?
Are you one of those people who changes personality depending on who they're with?

Who said anything about "wouldn't be nice"? I'm sure all my friends would be courteous and civil to anyone I introduced them to. But if I'm hosting a a few of my old clubbing mates and the booze is flowing, I'm not going to invite in (for example) a quiet, introverted friend who doesn't know them and gets a bit anxious at parties. Nor am I going to invite in DP's very sensible sister and her 4yo.

Similarly if we're hosting DP's sister and her family I'm probably not going to invite in my bolshy activist mates who like to swearily set the world to rights.

I don't consider it a personality change to behave differently with all these people, it's just different sides of my personality.

thing47 · 22/02/2025 22:35

I think I am reading the situation much more clearly than you are.

Literally the only thing that was different on this occasion was that MIL was not invited in. So anyone defending her behaviour must think that she is right to be upset by that. It is, in fact, pretty much the entire point of the OP which says 'she was so upset not to be invited in'.

Perhaps you need to re-read OP's posts.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 23/02/2025 06:06

tommyhoundmum · 14/02/2025 19:41

I think the Wensleydale with rhubarb or cranberries are tastier.

Now I want some Wensleydale with cranberries. Love that one.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 23/02/2025 17:33

@BettyBardMacDonald

'A grown woman beating at the door when she can see someone is entertaining visitors - honestly, who does that? Let alone crying and threatening to tattle to her son. What was she going to say? "your girlfriend wouldn't let me in to her afternoon tea! It's your house and I am your mother so I must be deferred to at all times! How dare she declare herself 'unavailable' to me!"

exactly !

then she tells her own daughter, who takes her side.

I wouldn't be at all surprised to learn that son does now know about his mother's fomo...

MoustachedTuna · 25/02/2025 17:35

There's many number of reasons why she wouldn't invite in MIL. Maybe someone in her family was going through something and needed to talk to SIL for advice, in a private situation like that it wouldn't be right to invite MIL in. If SIL is otherwise kind and welcoming to MIL then I'd just leave it, she obviously had her reasons and stated beforehand that she'd be unavailable. I think MIL was rude to knock just because she heard other people in the house, it's not an open invitation.

uDanceHead246 · 26/02/2025 07:02

MIL is rude. SIL said she was unavailable and to leave the stuff on the porch. Why knock on the door and be nosy / intrusive? Is SIL not allowed to have guests over without uninvited guests? SIL said she was unavailable and didn’t feel pressured to invite the uninvited guests. Good on her.

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