Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

[ThatRubyMoose]

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

Your mum assumed that “not available “ meant on Zoom which isn’t anyone’s fault. Did she knock out of spite ? (“I know you’re not working” ) or did she want an introduction ? Sometimes it’s not appropriate for that to happen- even if she just wanted to say hi and bye or she will know that certain people won’t get along with your mum so is doing her a favour.

Your SIL sounds like a lovely woman so I would advise your mum to keep quiet and have her gently mention that she hopes for an introduction some time in the future (if that’s what she wants ) Making this a big issue is going to encourage SIL to lie about what she’s up to. More importantly, how much effort does your brother put in with his mum and ILs? I suspect that he’s not doing and making as much effort as she is.

If your mum had never left a package in the porch then I would have told her to leave it then text that the package was dropped off but you mentioned that she’d done it before,

@ThatRubyMoose Exactly this. 👆 Your mother should have done as your SIL asked and left the stuff in the porch (or arranged to go over another day). She should not have knocked the door expecting to be invited in when your SIL had visitors. Your SIL did nothing wrong.

It sounds like she makes a lot of effort to spend time with her, cook for her, and go places with her. These freebies would have to be pretty amazing to warrant all that effort for someone you wouldn't otherwise be bothered with.

Maybe SIL doesn't even consider the freebies hers or is bothered about them at all, ops mother had been leaving them at ops brothers house long before SIL turned up.
The point is that SIL is being generous to MIL inviting her in and taking time for her most of the time, she even takes her to garden centers and days out, that's not " putting up with " behaviour, she sounds genuinely kind but clearly needed or wanted private time with her own family.

I wouldn't have asked your mum to drop stuff off and go away if I was in the house! Why couldn't she have just asked your mum to bring the stuff next time when they could have spent time together. It seems quite harsh to not ask her in when she's made the effort to come over even if she had said she was unavailable.

She wasn't available.
Your mum should have respected that

Could be worse, our friend's daughter in law, introduced him to her brother as 'The Joiner' whilst working on their house for months on end.

When faced with it I would have invited MIL in to say hi but SIL didn’t do anything wrong in saying she wasn’t free - she wasn’t free.

There might be a reason she wanted to keep them separate - she also doesn’t really need a reason - and it sounds like she has a great relationship with your Mum usually so your Mum should accept that and not think this was SIL being rude or otherwise. Doesn’t sound like it’s worth upsetting a good relationship over. It sounds like no one meant harm.

I mean I really doubt that. Would you “tolerate” someone you didn’t like, see them multiple times a week inside and outside your home, without your partner who is the link between you, for four years for a few work promo freebies?

Your sister in law is very rude and selfish. You need to tell your brother so he knows what he is getting himself into.

GIVING NOTICE! Who does she think she is, the Queen of Sheba? Just let the woman in, say hello, have a cuppa then she can go. She's happy enough to accept the FREEBIES every other week. No respect some people. Family is family.

What are the freebies that are being dropped round?

I think I was really rude of SIL. She should have said she had company and she’d DM another time if she didn’t want her there. I couldn’t have someone I was close to knock on my door and not invite them in, regardless of who was there.

She wasn’t free for a cuppa, how hard is that for you to understand?

Sorry if it's been said already, but is anyone else intrigued by the freebies and what they actually are and whether they are indeed "freebies"

This. I'd love to hear the SIL's side about how fun being interrupted at work all the time is, or having random stuff from work dropped off, or quite how persistent that door knocking was.
Honestly I would encourage your mum to whinge to your brother about DIL about her 'rudeness'. It may well be the out she's been looking for.

I don’t particularly like my MIL but if she dropped round to drop off some stuff I would invite in for a cuppa and introduce her to other guests.

SIL is rude and grasping for the freebies, imo.

This, how many posts do you see on here about people being frustrated with family dumping unwanted crap on them!

Technically, your SIL hasn't done anything wrong, however given that she's been with your brother for so long, lives with him and especially when she has a good relationship with your mum, it was rude of her not to invite her in to say hello.

Not a hill I would die on however.

She doesn't owe anyone her time especially if she's already said she's busy, why would anyone knock on someone's door if they've been told by the occupant they're busy, you don't get to decide otherwise because it doesn't qualify as busy in your tiny mind.

Let's also not pretend that MIL gives these freebies for SILs benefit! She's been dropping these things off for her son long before SIL lived there, perhaps MIL can wait until her son is in and hand deliver them to him instead.

The MIL isn't her family, the people in the house with her are. No one is entitled to be invited in when they've been told quite clearly that the other person isn't free at that time

Is the woman not allowed to choose who she has in her own home and when?

I think your SIL was rude. Quite a big differences to asking your DM to leave things in the porch when she is not in to when she is in. She could have explained she was entertaining her family otherwise it comes across as treating your DM quite poorly.

Even if you were about to rush out to a birthday lunch? Or had your sister over to discuss her plans to leave her husband? Or discuss whether it’s time for your mother to be moved to a home?

SIL made it clear in advance she wasn’t available, you have no idea what she was doing or whether or not it was appropriate for the MIL to drop in. Given the fact that the SIL made it clear she didn’t want her as a guest it’s pretty likely it wasn’t an appropriate time for MIL to crash for a cup of tea and an introduction.

Whoa I think that was so weird of the sil 😄

They're supposed to be close and practically family - it's so weird to try to hide her family from your mum

I'd be upset too, op, yanbu x

Shows what kind of person you are..So you also live a house your DH bought and then block his Mother from coming into the house because of really really important and significant PLANS. Do me a favour. Have a heart and soul, it's free

Does SIL ASK for these freebies?

It seems like MIL texts and says she is bringing them and then comes in for chat/ coffee / lunch.

Does your brother have his day or evening interrupted with these deliveries?

If I knew someone was working, running their business, I would send a message saying “I’ve left a bag of xxxx in your porch / behind your bin”. I would never presume to interrupt them with something I decided to drop off.

If your brother and SIL call her and say “oooh, have you got any loaves or fishes this week?, could you drop them off on your way home?” that’s different.