Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

[ThatRubyMoose]

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

The OP's mother will rethink leaving anything, the SIL should maybe have said Don't bother coming round, I'll not be available, rather than being pleased to take the goodies as she ignored the OP's mother.

SIL did nothing wrong. She was busy with visitors so would have preferred your mum to leave stuff on porch rather than knocking. I think being upset about this is a massive overreaction. Clearly there was a good relationship before this. This obviously wasn't done out of disrespect or to be hurtful... people are allowed to have plans that only involve certain people and not others sometimes. I think it's unreasonable to have expected SIL to leave her guests to interact with your mum just because your mum decided that's when she was going round. SIL had told her she was busy.

A bit cheeky of your DM to knock on the door but actually, I think it was ruder of the SIL to tell her to leave the freebies in the porch when she was in. If she didn’t want to introduce her family to her MIL, she should have declined the freebies or arranged an alternative time. It seems a bit grabby and very tactless to accept a gift if you can’t be bothered to invite someone in because you have something better to do (rather than a commitment, like work). Plus it’s rather rubbing it in the MIL face that she doesn’t want her to meet her family.

This. Sister in law is perfectly entitled to host her own family, and it does sound like your mum and sister in law have a good relationship, i feel it would have been better to say i’m busy with plans with my family, could we rearrange is for another day in full (not drop stuff on porch) i can see both sides, but as your mum i would have felt a bit like (on this occasion) i’m good enough to drop things off but not good enough to mix with your family. As another poster said we don’t know the reasons why, i do feel it was a bit rude by your sister in-law but i don’t feel it was intentional as if she didn’t want to have a good relationship with her mother in law, she wouldn’t put the effort in that she clearly does, but it could genuinely have been avoided.

Your mother used to clean your brothers house AND drop off freebies even when SIL didn't live there, so SIL being there is actually saving her the job of cleaning ( wasn't necessary any way, nice but intrusive tbh ) AND SIL is nice enough to regularly invite her in on those days your mother decided to pop in with bits in the middle of the day AND regularly takes her out on thoughtful trips with your mothers likes in mind.
What exactly does your brother do for his mother AND SILs mother whilst we are at it?
She wasn't treated like a delivery person, your mother decides to drop off freebies when it suits her and SIL was busy that day, it shouldn't matter if she is in or not she had politely said she wasn't free but your mother decided to ignore that and knock and from that has hurt her own feelings when really she's lucky SIL has been as accommodating as she already is.

Everyone is jumping to conclusions, but we just don't know. Maybe SIL had booked lunch somewhere and didn't want to invite your mum in only to have to chuck her out again minutes later. Maybe the family had gathered for a specific reason that they couldn't include MIL in.

We have no idea. But given your SIL is normally an exemplary DIL, I think it's quite odd and a bit unpleasant that you wouldn't cut her some slack on this one. Is it LIKELY that she has secretly disliked your MIL all along and has been found out? Or is it more likely that there IS a reason she wasn't her normal welcoming self? Can't your mum give her the benefit of the doubt?

Well there you go then - SIL didn't want to invite MIL because she doesn't want her to meet her family or vice versa.

The polite thing for SIL to have done on this occasion would have been to say, " Oh don't bother dropping off the stuff as I'm busy, I'll get it another time."
To expect your mum to drop something off (ie do a favour) but don't dare disgrace me with your presence as I'm otherwise engaged is rather rude.
Seriously, folk wouldn't invite your own MIL in for a quick cuppa with your family???

just don’t go in future if SIL says she’s unavailable.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

So it’s only an issue now because SIL had people over?

It’s ok if she is alone or not in, but if there are people there, MIL has to be invited in?

YABVU

Your mum is your SIL's dealer and she doesn't want her family to know about her raging coke habit.

This is the only explanation.

We also don’t know why sils family were there. It could have been completely inappropriate for someone to be a visitor.

Also you cannot say in one sentence mum isn’t intrusive and then mum knocks on door of house she’s been told occupier is busy in.

It's her son's HOUSE of course it's rude not inviting her in. Absolute piss take. How rude is she?

No one knows if the SIL asked for the stuff to be left though! The MIL had dropped stuff on the porch before, SIL said “oh I can’t do Tuesday I’m busy” and MIL very well could have said “I’ll be out in the afternoon anyway, I’ll just drop them in the porch on my way past”.
I hardly think a one off where the SIL was busy makes her a greedy freeloaded for random bits the MIL gets free from work! I mean they don’t even sound married and the woman entertains her partners mother multiple times a week!

Your sister in law sounds like she has been lovely and warm towards your mum, going above and beyond what a lot of daughter in laws would do in terms of spending one on one time with her. Your mum is being v v unreasonable and entitled.

I'm sure there are lots of reasons, can you really not think of a single one?

It would be odder for the first meeting between the two parties to consist of hello/nice to see you/bye

No it’s also the partners house because she literally lives there and has for years. You don’t have any sort of stake in a house because your child owns it.

Her son clearly wasn't there and it's SILs home also, she was hosting her own family in her own home, had given notice she was busy, absolutely reasonable reaction from SIL.

Bit of an overreaction from mother, I would say. SIL sounds like she’s really made the effort to forge a good relationship with her mother in law, which isn’t to be sniffed at! There could be any number of reasons why SIL didn’t invite her in, but really, I don’t think she needs to justify herself. It was a bit rude perhaps but certainly less rude than your mum, knowing SIL had said she was unavailable, repeatedly knocking on the door and expecting to come in and meet the family! Strange behaviour really.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome.

It was a bit intrusive knocking when your mum had already been told SIL wasn’t available, she knew SIL said she was unavailable but decided to knock anyway. I might of offered your mum to come in, it would depend if I was annoyed or not that she ignored me. SIL is not in the wrong or unreasonable

Do you think your SIL just wants the freebies and tolerates your mum in order to get them?

I have a feeling that these freebies are food related.

Cakes that have to be ate that day kind of thing.

Doubt it’s going to do be bottles of perfumes left over from MIL work that she used to leave at her sons house a couple of times a month.

I can imagine that MIL had a tray of jam donuts and SIL knowing that MIL doesn’t like Jam and they’re already in the car, she asks if MIL can just drop them off in the porch.

Some family time is private. You never know why SIL was hosting. It may be to discuss options for her Grandma’a care or meeting her dad’s new girlfriend for the first time…

My first thought is SIL wanted privacy with her family. Maybe they were discussing something important, maybe something is wrong with a family member or maybe she just hasn't seen them and didn't want to change the dynamic.

Is this not simply a case of your mum understanding unavailable to mean “not at home” so knocked when she noticed your SIL was in fact, at home?

Your SIL was by no means obliged to invite her in, it just sounds like there has been a slight misunderstanding. Best to encourage your mum to let it go.

What are the freebies?