Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

[ThatRubyMoose]

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

Incredibly rude to ask your mother to leave stuff in the porch if SIL was actually in - should have said to come/ leave it another day.

Would I have knocked - probably not but I wouldnt have left anything there and would have been very upset by it.

I think your mum is very lucky that your SIL stops work and makes coffee/lunch and goes for trips out with your mum as it is every week or two.

She's throwing her toys out of the pram because she didn't get invited this one time

I wouldve felt awkward and invited her in once she knocked, but I wouldnt have been best pleased tbh.

I’m with the sil on this.

Sil had guests so told your mum she would be busy and wouldn’t be able to entertain her.

Your mother overstepped by decided since she had company what’s one more who’s already been told no.

YABU

She let your mum know she wasn’t available and reads like you and your mum took that as not home.

There are a number of reasons that she likely not invited your mum in nor did she have to. She said she was unavailable and doesn’t have to say or explain to either of you the reason why.

Your mum put her in a weird position by knocking on the door knowing she said she was unavailable.

I would have probably not answered it if it were me.

This ,

I mean why not just say, "I've got visitors coming, can we do this another day please?"

were she to have been invited in, she could be one of those visitors that never go. The danger would have been that she would get comfortable and start the non stop talking and just stayed, whilst the SIL's family would have been silenced from talking about what they came round to talk about.

I don’t think it matters what’s right or wrong, I think most people would be hurt if they had such a nice relationship with someone and the person purposefully didn’t get them in to chat to their family. Saying that I’d say it’s good you stopped your mum making it a thing with your brother

SIL was rude, initially for asking her to drop stuff in the porch knowing that MIL would see that she was in fact available to receive them, then for asking if she didn’t receive her text and then to turn her away without asking her in.
I can’t imagine doing that to someone I’d built up a relationship with.
No more freebies. MIL I’m sure will not be sad to lose the chats.

A lot of people going in on SIL like she is asking MIL to bring her these freebies, she isn’t! This is something that mum did for son before she even moved in, she’s just being polite enough to put up with it.

I bet she’d actually prefer it didn’t happen, especially as she works from home and regularly stops working to entertain MIL when she pops round with this stuff.

Yep, I agree.

This

If SIL is generally good to your mum and they have a good relationship then probably not worth rocking the boat over. Presumably SIL had her reasons so maybe best for your mum just to try and move on. SIL might have been embarrassed by someone in her own family etc...

When your SIL states she is unavailable, is there a reason why your mother doesn’t rearrange rather than dropping things off?

This is just weird.

Why not say she had the family round, then your mum probably wouldn't have gone round anyway as SIL is busy.

For SIL to say I'm unavailable, just put the stuff in the porch knowing full well she's indoors with her family seems in very poor taste to me.

Will your mum forever be 'porch lady' now to SILs family?

Very bizarre behaviour on your SILs part.

I think your SIL was rude, I don't see an issue asking MIL to come in or could've stated earlier that she will have family over. Stopped her wasting a trip.

It does feel like the DB and SIL are treating their mother like a servant not a family member.

However, I think the only thing that SIL could have done is said my family are visiting so I can't catch up today. DB will come and get it from you later.

I would feel a bit miffed about it, but not to the point where I would have to call my son up and have a go. If that is the case then there is something else going on here.

Sil had plans? I don't see the issue.

I do wonder if SIL even wants all these 'freebies' arriving in the house. She might just be too polite to say no to them! How rough to have your MIL randomly show up when you're entertaining with a bunch if stuff you don't even want!

For context, I was once visiting a friend from school who I only see when staying with my parents - so maybe once a year. These catch ups are important to us, as otherwise we just text occasionally. Her parents randomly showed up, no warning no invite. They seemed a bit shocked that she had someone over. It was all mega awkward.

Imagine than and your mother in law!

Non stop talking? Where do you get that from? More likely Future MiL would would say hello and maybe accept a cup of tea if so encouraged by the family. You know, like fully functioning adults behave. I often wonder about people on Mumsnet with their ‘boundaries’ and lack
of awareness, it’s not what I meet in real life.

This is the sort of thing that happens on Mumsnet. The whole situation from soup to nuts seems so bizarre to me.

Rather odd not to have met the other parents after 4 years.

We don't know why SIL didn't want MIL to come in - there could have been a sensitive family situation? Or maybe SIL is ashamed of her family or vice versa.

I agree i wonder how much brother is doing with his ILs and to entertain his own mother!

My parents have been in the same room as dh’s maybe 4 times in 18 years. We keep them apart with good reason. Ours didn’t meet till we had our first child.

It could be for all kinds of reasons she wanted time with her own family she could be organizing a secret event, maybe theres something going on thats not your mums businessm giving freebies doesnt mean she should be invited in.

I think incredibly rude of your SIL!

If my SIL did this with my mum, everyone would find it weird and rude, including my SIL! There's literally no reason not to invite the woman in to say hello/nice to see you/bye.