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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

964 replies

ThatRubyMoose · 13/02/2025 18:48

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

OP posts:
Adhikv · 13/02/2025 19:08

It’s odd but considering they normally have a good relationship and she’s normally polite and nice to your mum I’d give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she has her reasons - maybe her family are going through something and weren’t up to company/meeting someone new

BlondeStreaks · 13/02/2025 19:10

StormingNorman · 13/02/2025 18:56

I think SIL was rude. I can’t imagine anyone not inviting their future MIL in to say a quick hello.

I agree with this. It would have taken moments to invite your Mum in and introduce her.
It was incredibly rude.
If I was your mother, I would be both hurt and a little annoyed.
It was like she was just good enough to drop things off, like the paid help, who I hope she’d be nicer too, in any case

I would have felt rude leaving things, and not knocking, as it was obvious people were there.

Had she done this, I can guarantee it, that the woman’s family would have remarked that the mother was rude.

Rude future daughter in law

wafflesmgee · 13/02/2025 19:10

if the families have never met I’d imagine the SIL wanted her partner to be there the first time they all did, rather than it happening without him.
either way I think it was rude of MIL to keep knocking, rude of SIL not to invite her in but not worth stressing over

purplecorkheart · 13/02/2025 19:10

Your sil messaged your Mom and told her she was not available in advance. You both have no idea why your sister in law was hosting your family. It could have been to sort out private family business. It was rude of your Mom not to respect your sil wishes.

Madamecholetsbonnet · 13/02/2025 19:11

Really rude of the MIL to knock when she had agreed to just drop stuff in the porch.

SIL totally justified in not inviting her in.

BlondeStreaks · 13/02/2025 19:13

Ugh, from these answers, I think this is why people are so strange these days and entitled.

I fully support the Mother of the Son here

ScribblingPixie · 13/02/2025 19:13

Your SIL was in the wrong, in that she should have told your DM she had family coming round so could she pop round on a different day. Very rude to tell her to leave things in the porch like a postwoman while she entertained indoors.

pinkyredrose · 13/02/2025 19:14

What freebies does your mum give them and why so often?

purplecorkheart · 13/02/2025 19:15

Sorry her family.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 13/02/2025 19:15

I think your mum needs to have a bit of self awareness that shes created this situation by knocking when she was told SIL is unavailable. I expect SIL will be being a bit more firm with her boundaries now and your mum needs to owm this instead of making it about her.

ItGhoul · 13/02/2025 19:16

SIL hasn't done anything wrong. She told your mum that she would be busy that day so could she just leave the stuff in the porch but your mum kept knocking expecting to be let in.

verycloakanddaggers · 13/02/2025 19:17

SIL did nothing wrong, she was unavailable.

MissUltraViolet · 13/02/2025 19:17

Sounds like she’s actually been very polite and kind to your mum and has been spending a lot of time with her.

Mum should have dropped the items and left. Noticing/hearing people inside so deciding to knock (repeatedly) seems quite nosey and intrusive. SIL obviously had a reason for not wanting to introduce them in that moment, everyone should respect it.

Absolutely no good will come from anyone complaining to your brother about it.

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 13/02/2025 19:20

Maybe she was busy trying to make lunch or just about to serve lunch and there wasn’t enough to offer her MIL. I think it’s a shame your Mum has gone and moaned to you about it to be honest.

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 13/02/2025 19:22

I don't think your SIL has done anything wrong.

She politely asked your mum to leave stuff in porch but your mum ignored her wishes. If anyone is in the wrong, it's your mum.

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 13/02/2025 19:22

BlondeStreaks · 13/02/2025 19:13

Ugh, from these answers, I think this is why people are so strange these days and entitled.

I fully support the Mother of the Son here

Edited

Same here. You don't invite someone to do you a favour, but leave it outside when family are clearly inside the house. I imagine your mum maybe thought her plans had changed so can totally understand why she knocked. I don't think she was wrong to knock the door.

SIL is rude as fuck. Yes do me favours, but stay outside with the staff.

Viviennemary · 13/02/2025 19:22

She has been really good with your mum. She asked her not to call on a specific day but she still did. Your mum is the one in the wrong.

Gwenhwyfar · 13/02/2025 19:23

RitaFromTheRanch · 13/02/2025 19:02

Why did she knock? She was asked to drop and go.

She's not a delivery woman!

DeepFatFried · 13/02/2025 19:24

I’d love to hear SIL’s version of this.

Why do these frequent deliveries have to happen in the middle of the working day? I wonder how much more often your SIL would really like to say she is unavailable.

Maybe SIL is sick of intrusion and overbearance. Maybe her own Mum is feeling that she doesn’t get much time with her Dd but knows she spends (is able to spend) time with the MIL and your SIL just didn’t want your Mum crashing in on her day.

The reason doesn’t matter. Your SIL laid down a rare boundary and said she was unavailable.

Your Mum did not respect that boundary and is no creating drama because she put herself in that position.

She clearly thinks that she does actually have the right to access to your brother’s home.

Moveoverdarlin · 13/02/2025 19:24

Sounds like they have a great relationship and SIL said she wasn’t available, and she wasn’t. But I don’t think your Mum was wrong in knocking, as it was obvious someone was at home.

If I was your Mum I would have said ‘oh I can see you have your hands full, I’ll see you next week. Just thought I’d knock as I could hear you were home.’

Have your family not met hers in 4 years? Understandable for the SIL to want some time with her own family rather than be the facilitator between two groups who hadn’t met before.

Gwenhwyfar · 13/02/2025 19:24

Viviennemary · 13/02/2025 19:22

She has been really good with your mum. She asked her not to call on a specific day but she still did. Your mum is the one in the wrong.

Edited

She didn't ask her not to call round though. She told her to come over, but leave the stuff in the porch, giving the impression they were not at home. It's a bit much to say that you want the freebies, but you don't want to speak to the person giving them and driving them over to you.

MikeRafone · 13/02/2025 19:26

If I was at my house with my family for an arranged time and date and my MIL turned up ad knocked on the door when had particularly taken the time to tell her I wasn't available - id think it was odd

why shouldn't the sister in law have a gathering of friends and/or family without being interrupted or being forced to invite others in to the gathering?

it was all pre warned and set out as such

your sister in law is pleasant to your mother, has made an effort. This doesn't mean that your sister in law can't have a gathering without being forced to invite her MIL

Fingerscrossed22 · 13/02/2025 19:26

I'm with the majority, MIL was rude.

Arrangeorange · 13/02/2025 19:27

I don't think SIL has done anything wrong. My inlaws frequently decide they need to bring us something on a particular day or time and if we say we're busy, don't come, we don't need it, other reason - they say we're coming anyway "we'll just drop it off". So I don't feel inclined to invite them in if they choose to after being told not to come.
SIL told her she wasn't available so she shouldn't have knocked, that's an odd thing to do.

RentalWoesNotFun · 13/02/2025 19:27

Did your mum get the text?
If she did she should have done what was asked and left the things in the porch.

If she did not it's understandable that she'd knock, expecting the usual response.

The sil has been good to her. She's entitled to her privacy. She must have had good reason due not inviting the mil into the house. Maybe her family are an embarrassment to her. Or would ask awkward questions etc.