Why would a mum block a friendship? Playdate exclusion

[Skymadeofdiamonds]

My 9 year old has been very close , even best friends, with another child at school. Outside of school child's mother avoids us and is icy cold with us. She is warm and friendly with three others arranging playdates, sleepovers, holidays with them. I've invited her child over a few times but messages completely ignored. Her kid has made it clear they'd love to play outside of school with mine.

She'll bend over backwards facilitating other friendships even though those children have problematic behaviour at times e.g. domineering, occasional threats in the games and disrupting lessons. So it's not that. My child is kind, no arguments and no complaints from school.

Mother slightly odd in some other ways too but who isn't.

AIBU to think this is exclusion or social bullying? How do I support my child as child doesnt understand why friend cant play outside of school? Do some people just like making little kids unhappy?

You encourage your child to enjoy the friendship at school. If they stay close, the time isn’t that far off when they will no longer need parental input in friendships, as they’ll do something after school together.

Thank you, LadysMantle, when do you reckon this starts happening?

This!

And do you really want drama that would inevitably come along with this mum?

Just tell your daughter that her friend is busy and leave it at that. Organise other play dates with willing participants.

No one here will be able to tell you why this Mum doesn't want to socialise with you or your child. There could be any number of reasons. You either accept the situation and encourage your child to focus on other friendships, or you ask her outright. But if you choose the latter be prepared that you might not like the answer.

People are allowed to choose who they spend their time with so it's definitely not "bullying". I also highly doubt she "enjoys making little kids unhappy", that sounds a bit dramatic. Your DC can still play together in school.

DS and his friends were certainly going to the park near school together to play football, or going down town to have a doughnut, in their final year in primary.

It’s not nice OP and I understand why you’re feeling the way you do. Some people are weird and it’s her DC’s loss as well, which is bizarre as they’re losing out. Such is life and we can’t change the way other people act but try not to take it personal.

It’s not nice but it’s not bullying

Some mums only want to make plans with mums they know since year 1 to the detriment of their children forging new friendships. My DS had one like this as well. I felt sorry for her kid who wasn't allowed to come on playdates our outings with anyone else than x and y. My DS started inviting other friends and became closer to them. It's really selfish of the mum but maybe she's extremely anxious around new people ?

It's not bullying. Maybe she just doesn't like you and doesn't want to spend time with you? I know that sounds mean spirited and I don't mean it to be. But people are allowed their opinions whether they are correct or not, and if she doesn't want to spend time with you she doesn't have to. She doesn't owe you anything. I would distance myself from her for the time being and let them just be school friends. Find other friends for playdates, but don't try to force it.

Urgh seen this several times with parents that kids have natural best friends at school but the parents don't want the friendship so organise playmates with more 'appropiate' children. Generally it does work esp if younger. Though doesn't stop school friendships.

I'd concentrate on dc making some new friends that will come for sleep overs and play dates

I've dissuaded my kids from having playdates with one kid who lives really far out of catchment (really not interested in spending 40min in the car) and with another who's been unreliable and cancelled at short notice before.

Don't know if either of those apply to you.

It's not social bullying - this mother is under no obligation to facilitate your child playing with her child outside of school. For whatever reason, it appears she doesn't want to do that. Let it go and encourage your child to invite other children to tea or playdates. If your child is still friends with her child in a couple of years, they will be at secondary school and presumably able to arrange their own meet ups outside of school.

She probably definitely doesn't like me though it seems it's something she's decided even before she even knew me. But they are 9 years old and she doesn't really need to socialise with me? She's had other kids round on their own since Reception but never ever anything with mine etc

Unfortunately, you won't ever know why this particular Mum isn't interested in facilitating playdates with your child outside of school. You have to accept that it won't be happening. There's little point in wasting energy in trying to figure out her reasons - short on asking her, you won't find the answer. Yes, it's a bit mean-spirited but ultimately she is free to choose who she associates with and at the moment has control over who her child has outside school friendships with. Concentrate on making playdates with other willing parents, of children your child likes. Encourage those friendships instead.

Okay but it just feels wrong to encourage your own child not to play with the friend they like when they along so well.
This is what's confusing- why would anyone do it to their child? I don't get it. She's been like that from the start.

Yes I'll try to do that, thank you

I do this. The little boy that my DC is best friends with doesn't behave nicely. Hits and pushes other children, bosses my DC around. Also his dad is frightening. I'm not comfortable leaving DC at their house and don't want to encourage the friendship.

It's very annoying and some parents seem to want to engineer who their kids play with to a ridiculous degree. Unfortunately it won't change, but your kids are almost at the age where they can knock on each other and play at the park or whatever.

Unfortunately not, TenderChicken, these are understandable reasons if they live far and are flaky. I wouldn't have time for that either.

Hi op my kids much older now but just keep it to school chat now. Some mums are really weird they dont want new kids in the group. I found it all rather cut throat at times.. has he other friends for playdates

It's her problem, not yours. Don't let it worry you -arrange play dates with others and forget about it. If she isn't going to address it you can't do anything about it anyway so it's pointless thinking about it and wasting your time guessing what's wrong. She doesn't like you -oh well 🤷‍♀️. In a few years they'll all be off to secondary and you won't see the mum or think about it again.
I had a mum dislike me for some odd reason at primary. We had only ever been on a hello and goodbye level of socialising anyway, so when she started ignoring me and giving me dirty looks I laughed and let her get on with it. I completely forgot about it for a few years until she started saying hi again. Obviously my total non reaction became boring after a while!

If she is that way inclined, she'll be managing that friendship til they're 18

It's good to hear your perspective.

But you never had them to yours or on neutral ground either?

How much hitting is involved - lashing out once or twice out of frustration as little kids do or regular hitting?

School never said anything about mines behaviour.

Some other kids the mother is fond of have less than good behaviour, threatening, disruptive, teachers having words but she still facilitates those friendships? She's friends with thr mother on that occassion.

Her own kid is sometimes a little rude or will blank other friends in the playground.

No idea op and there's is absolutely zero value to speculating unless you have absolutely nothing to do I guess. Especially as you seem inclined from your responses to want us to say something negative about her, based on nothing really. They'll be organising their own friendships outside of school very shortly anyway.

People are just downright odd.

But one mum once told me , that she normally wouldn’t have been friends with me at all, because I had daughters, and she had boys, but wanted a girl…!

Another one, because I had more than one child, and they really wanted another, but their husband wouldn’t. !

Another Mum complained about my daughter being friends with a girl, in infant school, who lived near her daughter, and that it was spoiling their friendship as the other girl wanted to play with my daughter not hers.

As I said, very odd people about.

Encourage DC to branch out and invite others round instead. They are getting to the age where parents tend to have less control and they have more independence when it comes to socialising outside of school and making their own decisions with who they spend time with.

Has this child and yours ever had any kind of falling out? Wondering whether the child may have ever said something negative to their mum about yours before?