Why would a mum block a friendship? Playdate exclusion

[Skymadeofdiamonds]

My 9 year old has been very close , even best friends, with another child at school. Outside of school child's mother avoids us and is icy cold with us. She is warm and friendly with three others arranging playdates, sleepovers, holidays with them. I've invited her child over a few times but messages completely ignored. Her kid has made it clear they'd love to play outside of school with mine.

She'll bend over backwards facilitating other friendships even though those children have problematic behaviour at times e.g. domineering, occasional threats in the games and disrupting lessons. So it's not that. My child is kind, no arguments and no complaints from school.

Mother slightly odd in some other ways too but who isn't.

AIBU to think this is exclusion or social bullying? How do I support my child as child doesnt understand why friend cant play outside of school? Do some people just like making little kids unhappy?

There's one like this in my street who is cold but DS and her DS are in the same class. Nothing I can do. If they want to play they can. I won't stop them. Best not getting upset over this.

There is a fair amount of "social engineering" at primary school where some parents will steer friendships towards families they feel comfortable with.

Exactly this. Some parents use school as the best way to gain connections or friendships with people that they feel might benefit them. It seems disingenuous to claim that getting treated differently is all down to chance and there's no rhyme or reason behind it. There is always a reason, and here are some of the most obvious, if not a bit unpalatable, reasons:

The other children have richer, successful or famous parents.

The other children's families already know each other in some way. A mutual friend, relative etc.

The other parents have jobs that could be beneficial on a personal level (eg doctor, dentist, beauty salon owner etc)

The other parents might be teachers or connected with the school in some way

The other parents are colleagues or have certain work connections.

Just in case you come from a different ethnicity or religion, plain prejudice also plays a role. Some parents genuinely don't want their children socialising too much outside of school with kids from another race/religion and unfortunately there's nothing you can do about that.

It sometimes has something to do with social class unfortunately. I've observed that many times as a primary school teacher. You get to know which children are going to playdates with which other children and you do know something about the background of the children as the year goes on. You can see it - some parents not wanting their child to play with someone who lives in social housing. Or parents wanting their children to mix with children whose parents were in similar professions.

At that age I would just be honest with your DC and say you don't know why playdates aren't happening and encourage them to invite other children over if they want to. Unfortunately there isn't much more you can do and as others have said if they remain friends then eventually they will make their own plans and you won't need to get involved.

Could be any number of reasons. For example, our youngest was friendly with two children in Year 1/2. No way on earth would I have allowed him to play at their houses (one family had a big, slobbering, scary dog and the other’s father smoked like a chimney).

The kids were always welcome at our house, though.

Treating others nicely doesn’t mean being a mug or a people pleaser, though.

She’s allowed to have boundaries. It’s healthy for her to set and hold them. She isn’t being unkind just because she doesn’t want your kid over for a play date or to go on a play date with you, and it certainly isn’t exclusion or bullying.

At some point your children start to make their own mind up who they want to be friends with. It’s difficult at times, because you don’t always agree with their choices. Hopefully they end up with a strong, supportive group of friends.

DS had a few up and down struggles but is now 20 with a great group of close friends and is part of a larger group that, despite all being at uni, still meet up.

It doesn’t always happen easily, it’s usually the children whose parents curate their friendships too heavily that end up in less secure groups.

Let them find their tribe. It may not always be your choice, but sometimes you need to let them learn by making their own mistakes, within reason.

I think this is the most obvious and common reason, even at private schools. The most frequent school gate/birthday party gossip tends to be about parents and everyone quickly gets to know what each family does. To be fair, schools are unique in the sense that you are forced to socialise with a huge number of people that you many not necessarily ever cross paths with. Humans are tribal animals, and many parents obviously gravitate towards those with similar backgrounds. The may also want to have the reassurance of knowing what their kids get up to at play dates or sleepovers, and the vast majority of people assume that families from a similar background will have the closest lifestyle and house rules as themselves.

Is there something different about your son compared to the friendships she IS encouraging?

This is so sad though. When my DS was in state elementary I thought it was excellente that he got to see different home environments. As long as I thought the parents were decent human beings he was free to go on playdates. And being a decent human being has nothing to do with class or wealth but with core values and kindness.

It's difficult isn't it? If it helps, we're also on the receiving end. The other child that my CD likes is nice enough and lets her DC come round, but she has her own friendship group in the class and those DC do everything together, leaving mine out.

In this case, the DC are 5 and hitting is not acceptable. He hits reguarly and is a bit of a bully. I won't have them in my house or on neutral ground because then I would have to accept invites to their house on my DC's bdehalf, and also I want to discourage this friendship. I only go on what my DC tell me. Perhaps other kids are also badly behaved, but I don't know about it.

I agree with this.

OP, I have a situation where I'm in a little mum gang. One of the other mums just doesn't seem to like me. I am so friendly to her as well. I feel like it can only be something that affects her, it's her insecurity and something about me bothers her. It is not necessarily a reflection of you. Also quite often people exclude others because they are scared of being excluded themselves.

She sounds quite odd and very rude. It's possible she really doesn't like you. But most mum's would overlook dislikes and put children first.

My DSs best friend at school tells my child about all sorts of rubbish he watches on YouTube (not allowed in our house). It has caused such a headache.

When they are together DSs behaviour goes downhill a lot and they have now been separated at school. He is a different child and even school have said how positive it’s been for DS. The other child’s mum on the other hand has said it’s not a big deal and they were making a fuss of nothing.

They are both good kids but not good together and DS was really clinging to this friendship when it was getting quite toxic (the other boy was imo showing some quite controlling behaviour)

Mum is nice enough but wants to be really friendly and without sounding horrible, she’s just not my sort of person.

I don’t want to go out of my way to facilitate a friendship outside of school with them. DS can play with who he wants at school but every time a play date has been suggested we have been “busy”.

There could be loads of reasons, fair or not. Certainly not bullying.

Thank you, it could be mean or could be standard (as you say) for primary.

Was the frenemy perception based on that your child wasn't included in every game and you wanted them to be consistently best friends as in they always play with just each other? Or did she literally blank yours for days?

I don't think my child does much of that but hers sometimes does - as in will run away, blank if another friend's game is better so this is something I'm interested in, how much of it is normal?

You are right there may be something I don't know but probably nothing worth vetoing.
Especially as she's indeed forgiving of some questionable behaviour of the kids she likes hers to play with.

Thank you, love it they stuck together and are still friends in spite of the controlling parents on the other side. So good to hear😀

Probably a little less well off, not by much though

I like going down telling the truth route. But like me my kid doesn't understand and I'm worried it will ruin their self esteem.

We had this situation and I won't have the girl over, low level snipey comments, comments about clothing, they've got xyz toy/tech and mine doesn't, attempting to not allow my DD to have any other friends, a "you can't play with anyone else but me" situation. All very overwhelming for my DD. The mum would (and has) tried to say to me how her DD is the nicest kindest girl who wouldn't hurt a fly but it's a very demanding and domineering friendship, I can see its not healthy for my DD and I'm not prepared to facilitate that.

The mum may have reasons you don't know about, I'd focus on other friendships and have other children over where the parents are happy for it, and leave your DD to play with the other girl at school. If she's 9 you're getting to the stage where they will play and knock on each others houses independently soon and this won't be something you have to worry about.

Yes absolutely everyone is entitled to their boundaries and so is she even if that means you treat your kid's best friend and your own kids like that. It her right that we do respect but I'm trying to understand as I wouldn't do anything so damaging to others.
Parents allow children to play with their best friend is barely being a mug or people pleaser, it's what a normal parent does.

She’s doing it because she can.

you get weirdos like this OP. Give it back to her ten fold if you see her.

When my ds moved from nursery to reception one of the mums told me that she didn't want the boys (both at same nursery and only boys going to that school) going in together on their 1st day as "they aren't really friends are they".
I found out later that the mum didn't like my ds as her ds used to lie and tell her that my ds hurt him. The truth was (all through primary) that the other boy was horrible, used to bully the kids then go crying to teachers and mum that "everyone picks on me".
He regularly lied to get attention and to get out of trouble.
His mum was pathetic tbh.
Just wondered if she has been told untruths about your dd in the past and holds a grudge?

But if they are happily playing together at school then she can't be discouraging it all that much. Incidentally, I honestly don't get people's need for constant playdates outside of the school holidays - these kids are spending 6+ hours together everyday 5 days a week. It does sound like this mum isn't keen on wither you or your child though, but you will only find out why by having an awkward and confrontational conversation with her..

I do feel it's exactly this

This.
If they're friends and fine at school, that's enough, surely.
At 9 all this "arranging playdates" stuff is bonkers anyway imo.
Can't ever remember my mum arranging "playdates" for me at that age, you just went and played with your friends!
At the risk of sounding like an old fart, it's daft nowadays. 😁
If they stay friends, they'll soon start arranging stuff themselves in a few years.
Stay away from batty clique mums for your own sanity and leave them to it. 😁