Why would a mum block a friendship? Playdate exclusion

[Skymadeofdiamonds]

My 9 year old has been very close , even best friends, with another child at school. Outside of school child's mother avoids us and is icy cold with us. She is warm and friendly with three others arranging playdates, sleepovers, holidays with them. I've invited her child over a few times but messages completely ignored. Her kid has made it clear they'd love to play outside of school with mine.

She'll bend over backwards facilitating other friendships even though those children have problematic behaviour at times e.g. domineering, occasional threats in the games and disrupting lessons. So it's not that. My child is kind, no arguments and no complaints from school.

Mother slightly odd in some other ways too but who isn't.

AIBU to think this is exclusion or social bullying? How do I support my child as child doesnt understand why friend cant play outside of school? Do some people just like making little kids unhappy?

Just ask her, in person.

People will do anything to avoid the easiest route.

Either she will tell you and you can sort it out or think she's a psycho and avoid her, or she'll look embarrassed and act differently in future.

That’s quite mean of you. If the kids are friends and you won’t facilitate them meeting up. Maybe I’m too soft?

Exactly this, we’ve been in a very similar situation. The parents of the child would have no idea how their child has acted towards ours at school as we never complained.

Realistically there is probably a reason. There are a few children my DS is friends within school, and who I will not encourage a friendship out of school. In both instances it’s nothing to do with the child but the parents. I do not want my child being around their parents, nor do I want them, or their problems, at my door

Children need to choose their own friends and navigate friendships by themselves for their healthy development. They also need to play with a variety of kids.

Having mum pick and choose their friends and control their friendships isnt good for them. Kids dragged into the school and still crying at the doors at this age are the ones with friendships facilitated by cliquey mums in early years.

I would do this - in limited circumstances, I have to admit. My DC would not have gone to someone’s house if I knew the parents were drug users. But I’m presuming that’s not the case?!!

It’s a tough one - if she’s rude or snobbish, there’s not much you can do about that.

She isn’t stopping them being friends at school. Stop being so dramatic.

I've had this op, and it really pissed me off.

Her DC and mine played brilliantly together at school, but the mother took an instant dislike to me, which she took out on my child by repeatedly excluding him (and only him ) from her child's parties! Each year my child would invite hers - his mother would normally ignore the invitations, and be vague when I'd prompt her to check if her DC was coming. In the end I had to encourage my child to not invite that child (sorry DC, the venue is too small, you can only have 5 friends etc) because of his mother's treatment of my child.

Some people are just plain nasty for no reason.

Why do you assume there should be something wrong with me? I'm not the one banning my child from playing with their best friend.

There are lots of things that we don't like in others but unless they are serious things I wouldn't block my child from playing with their best friend, it is a special kind of person that does it.

And she has history of that towards one or two other friends. While facilitating friendships with kids who regularly disrupt my child's classroom for example.

Also by telling the truth is exactly what i mean - I don't know and that's what I'm saying but a 9 a child doesn't understand the intricacies of adults behavior and why their best friend is allowed to play with some friends and but not with my child.

Why do you assume there should be something wrong with me

I haven't assumed that at all. In fact, no assumptions is literally the point I'm making. Nobody knows if it's you, her, your kid, her kid, something else. My point is that your assumption that it's her and only her, is not helping your kid whatsoever.

Does it really matter if they play outside of school? Our weekends are often busy, plus I have two children so to have to run round dropping one at a sleepover and then reciprocate at some point is not my idea of fun.

I would just encourage her to play with her friend at school and don't keep mentioning sleepovers.

I am guessing you have an only child so perhaps are more keen for them to always have someone over, whereas in my case having my own two at home means they entertain each other and adding one friend would then mean one person gets left out/one child is grumpy.

Definitely no constant playdates here. They had none between themselves despite being friends for years. Both are asking.
Yes they can happily play at school but outside the school the kid and mum blanks which is also a problem.

Kids dragged into the school and still crying at the doors at this age are the ones with friendships facilitated by cliquey mums in early years.😂😂
NEVER have I witness that.

you are far too involved and judgemental, I would stay away from the drama and stop my kid too frankly. I try to stay away from parents lecturing others about what "kids need"

Of course we manage their friendship when they are little, how else do they learn? Hopefully that sticks and help them when they are older.

It's absolutely normal that kids spend a lot more time with friends of their own parents. You invite the whole family for lunch, diner, you organise trips together. I don't know, it just happens naturally.

There is one child that I actively will not facilitate playdates with in my child's class despite her asking me for them. I don't dislike the child, and I'm not 'happy to make another child unhappy'. I'm just prioritising my own.

Reason being here that although my child genuinely likes the other one and will play with them in breaks, that this child is incredibly domineering and possessive over children who she considers her 'best friend'.

The other one is not a deliberately mean or spiteful child, she doesn't hit or cause big issues that would warrant making a giant fuss over. In other ways she's quite a sweetheart. But she does cause some issues and she lies. If my child wants to play with someone else or in a group, she will cry and run to adults claiming that she's being left out. She's not, she's just not getting things exactly her way. If my child wants to partner with someone else in class she gets told (by the child) that she's being horrible saying mean things, and a bad friend. If my child chooses to do 'quiet play' alone (which she can do inside if she chooses) then she will hassle mine endlessly and be upset that mine won't play with her. She's a huge crier, a real 'so and so is being sooooo mean to me' sort of child the minute things don't go her way. She has no concept really of sharing friends, of other peoples personal space or backing off when asked. She's generally just a bit much.

She's only key stage 1 age, so still little and still learning, as is mine. I'm happy for them to play together in school as long as my child isn't being forced or guilted into it. However I will not encourage the friendship or facilitate play dates out of school and I do facilitate them with other children to gently encourage my child to have and enjoy other friendships too.

I absolutely cannot be doing with the drama or potential fall out of explaining any of this to the child's mother. It's not my place to start telling her that her child is being a bit of an annoying pain at school. That's for school to deal with if necessary but at this level then I doubt there is much to say, it's not like she's bullying anyone. The mother is actually perfectly nice, I've known her for a few years but school-gate drama? Noooooo thanks.

I had a quiet word with the class teacher after it had been going on for a whole term, who agreed that it was noticeable (she'd actually already moved some seating arrangements because of it). The teacher is keeping an eye/guiding the children when playtime issues arise. As far as I'm concerned if there is a problem again then the teacher will let me know and that's all I need to do.

No complaints from school, no huge issues apparent to you does not mean that a parent doesn't have a good reason for not wanting their child to see your child out of school OP, sorry.

sleepovers and playdates make the kids happy, what's the big deal? They like to see each other outside of school, outside of the class group.

Most people are busy, they don't happen that often, but surely if they haven't got clubs once, its' great they have friends they want to meet?

This is definitely not normal. This is controlling and naive behaviour.

I know it's upsetting but you need to let go of this being unfair and focus on ds and making sure he never knows you are upset by this. No one knows why the other mum is doing this. It's sad for your ds but ultimately the other mum owes you nothing and does not need to make your son happy. Focus on his having play dates or outings with kids who's parents don't do this.

In what way is other mum weird?

It's call parenting. Most people do that. Of course it's normal.

You are just miffed because your child is not invited, which is understandable.

Be assured most of us do not decide who our child will and will not play with, kids are supposed to sort it out themselves. We also do not prioritise our own friendships the way you are suggesting over the ones kids develop naturally. I'd much rather nurture the friends they chose themselves and most other parents I know would do the same.

Some people are just pricks.
She might be a wanker, she might just dislike you for some reason you'll never know.
Honestly, just forget about it.

you keep telling yourself that 😂

I totally understand some of the reasons listed here for not encouraging friendships BUT I have definitely seen it before where there’s no good reason other than the mum isn’t the clique or ‘not quite the right type’ of person. Which is just mean and horrible.

No Moonstars you are right it doesn't matter. It's just they've both been asking.

I have seen people being accused of being "in a clique" when they happened to know each other, and you know.. talk to each other, or god forbid even be friends.

I take the word "clique" with the biggest pinch of salt!