Why would a mum block a friendship? Playdate exclusion

[Skymadeofdiamonds]

My 9 year old has been very close , even best friends, with another child at school. Outside of school child's mother avoids us and is icy cold with us. She is warm and friendly with three others arranging playdates, sleepovers, holidays with them. I've invited her child over a few times but messages completely ignored. Her kid has made it clear they'd love to play outside of school with mine.

She'll bend over backwards facilitating other friendships even though those children have problematic behaviour at times e.g. domineering, occasional threats in the games and disrupting lessons. So it's not that. My child is kind, no arguments and no complaints from school.

Mother slightly odd in some other ways too but who isn't.

AIBU to think this is exclusion or social bullying? How do I support my child as child doesnt understand why friend cant play outside of school? Do some people just like making little kids unhappy?

She doesn't have to know you to know she doesn't want to befriend you though. It doesn't work like that. You are probably lovely but most people I interact with probably are but I don't want to be friends with them.

It's not bullying and for you to go to that conclusion is worrying. She is allowed to not want to interact with you.

I like going down telling the truth route

But the truth IS that you don't know!!

In fact, it's any speculation that ISNT the truth.

Your responses to this thread have been, interesting. An anecdote that puts this mother or her child as in the wrong - fab, cling on to that, you're all over that one. But an anecdote suggesting it might be something to do with you or your child - nope, absolutely not.

Been wondering if someone's spreading something false because it's just too odd. She's supposed to be a grown up (despairs)

I agree 100% with this. If I had asked my DMum to play with me or arrange me playing with any other kids at school or in our village, she would have thought I had gone barmy. We sorted ourselves out and hung around with a variety of types both good and bad. It's part of growing up and being discerning.

The only way to know is to ask her. But she either doesn’t like you or thinks you’ve done something to annoy her.

but by age 9 we were past arranged play dates and the kids just went out to play.

Could the mother be shy and already knew the other mothers? It might have nothing to do with your or your child.

Unless there is behaviour you're not telling us about.

Do some people just like making little kids unhappy?
@Skymadeofdiamonds

Yeah some people do but that's a big dramatic leap here!

I’ve been like this with one other Mum, her little boy is rude and play dates are hard work, he’s cruel to my other child too. I get the impression she wanted to cultivate a relationship with me purely to palm off her child on me and so ‘we can help each other out’. But I don’t like her or the child. I’m a good judge of character and have had to be blunt. I don’t ignore her messages but I have said ‘sorry can’t make that date’ a few times now. She’d probably say I was odd or stand offish but I don’t care. I can see she’s a user.

OP, this happened with my DS in Year 6. The other child used to beg his mum, in front of me and DS, to let DS go round and play with him. The mother would look embarrassed, look away, make feeble excuses. Yet I know he regularly had other kids round at his house.

My DS is (high-functioning) autistic. Ultimately I concluded that was the reason she didn't want him round. Words cannot express my contempt for her.

Agreed. Learning to negotiate own friendships and get along with different kinds of people is so important.

I myself never did learn this due to having a similarly interfering controlling mother which has affected me in so many ways from being underpaid at work to not understanding how to handle relationships.

How do I support my child as child doesnt understand why friend cant play outside of school?

You reply oh well you can play in school and distract with something else.

It was a common issue first DC primary school - lots of trying to engireering friendships within parent body.

Though I did quietly drop one of the few who did want to meet up outside - as DD1 ddin't actually like her all that much - didn't want to do sleep over - and politely declining and them pushing it started to feel very off. I think looking back it was a potentail setting up for favors for them situation - more CF than anything else.

DS year at school was oddly full of OTT mothers - even teachers muttered about it - and did few times have experience of going to local public playground with my kids and the parents trying to get their kids to ignore mine who as they were all there didn't really care as were happy to play as sibling group but that did irritatate me as it was so unnecessary.

We moved due to work and found much more normal parents and kids got older and more independent anyway so less parental influence.

This is horrific, it really is. What an awful thing to do.
I'm so happy things worked out well for him.

My absolute BFF (met when we were 5. Both 62 now) was subject to an awful controlling mother and boy did it eff her up. She and her three brothers have all been messed up actually.

In reality, my childhood was borderline neglectful. I certainly didn't have a lot of my needs met and if it was now, SS would probably get involved but I think my childhood did me more good in the long term than having a helicopter circling endlessly.

@Skymadeofdiamonds ignore her. Turn up with ear buds in and you humming along to something groovy and smile a lot. Don't let her know she's getting to you, not even a crack. Don't give the satisfaction. Be busy and ...bustling and....gone.

It sounds like you are just not her 'tribe' @Skymadeofdiamonds

There are people who actively seek out friendships for their DC as they want to get to know their parents. This is a tale as old as time.

You can't do anything. You can keep asking but just know they will decline.

It's a shame as the DC are missing out but they are nearly old enough to make their own arrangements for meeting up.

Maybe her child has told her they don’t actually want to have a play date. Maybe they’re concerned about something in your house (do you have a dog? a cat? are a smoker? Or she’s been told you have pets or smoke?) Or she’s concerned about where you live? Maybe her dc has had problems in the past with a neighbour or she’s had problems with a neighbour and is trying to avoid the drama without saying too much. I don’t think it necessarily has to be something about you and you might be taking it a bit too personally.

arrange really fun stuff with other kids success is the best revenge!

And you very nearly at the age when mummy loses control entirely and the children manage their own friendships.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that school mums can be weird. Don't take it personally. No reason they can't remain friends without your input.

She isn’t doing anything damaging.

Your reaction to this is what’s going to affect your child’s self esteem, because there isn’t actually a problem here. You’re just creating one.

Some just like to socialise with their friends and their dc. It’s easier with people they already know. New people are more effort and outside their comfort zone.

Once they start walking to school on their own, they stop at the park, they start going to the shops. They make their own arrangements to meet at weekends. You’re not far off that stage.

It could be all kinds of reasons:

• she is actually really anxious so just socialises with people she already knows
• she uses play dates more as an excuse to socialise with her own friends than further her children’s friendships
• she feels like her life is already too full/busy and doesn’t have capacity for any more social connections
• she’s very snobby and pursues friendships with her children who are wealthy/live in a certain area/have ponies etc
• she’s stuck in high school mode and only befriends women who dress a certain way, have their hair a certain way etc
• some kind of prejudice against a particular community
• a personal dislike of you or your child for some reason that could be anything from you subconsciously remind her of someone she doesn’t like to her child said something about your child that was misreported/ taken out of context/ exaggerated etc
• she thinks you are trying to hit on her husband
• you’re very attractive and she’s jealous

It’s a shame for your child but unfortunately it’s out of your control so you just need to accept it’s this other Mum’s issue and move on.

We are a normal averagely financially comfortable boring family. No pets, screens on playdates, smoking, drinking, etc. She wouldn't know it anyway as she's not been here nor got to know us enough.

some people are twats op. that is just what I've learnt in life in similar situations. smile and ignore.

Why are you trying so hard to understand? If you knew the reason it sounds like it would become the focal point to resolve.

it is certainly not for you to judge how the situation is affecting another persons child. You should accept that this is how it is and move on. You control your actions, and nobody else's.

This happened with me earlier in the academic year with my (then) 6 year old DCs.
They'd asked if a child could come on a playdate. I messaged the Mum and heard nothing back. She's not someone who ever talks to me, but I don't get icy vibes per se.
All I said at the time to my DC was that I'd messaged and not heard back.
Plain, simple truth (factoring in the child's age) normally works best with my daughters, so maybe try it with yours?
It's always uncomfortable when a parent blanks or is icy with one, but you'll never know why she's that way with you.
Playdates aren't the be all and end all, as long as your child has a range of healthy interactions in school and elsewhere.

When DD was young, I always taught her to include everyone at school, not to leave people out, be mean etc. This resulted in one of the other girls, who struggled to make friends, becoming very attached to her. The girls mum was very keen to encourage the friendship out of school (totally understandable), but DD just didn’t want to. She wouldn’t have ever said that in front of the other child or mum, so I’m sure that it looked like she was keen in the playground, but she preferred to spend time with other friends. After the first couple of times the mum asked, after establishing that DD wasn’t interested, I was honest with the mum. I felt terrible but I didn’t want to force DD.

I’m not saying this is what is happening, but could it be a possibility?