Why would a mum block a friendship? Playdate exclusion

[Skymadeofdiamonds]

My 9 year old has been very close , even best friends, with another child at school. Outside of school child's mother avoids us and is icy cold with us. She is warm and friendly with three others arranging playdates, sleepovers, holidays with them. I've invited her child over a few times but messages completely ignored. Her kid has made it clear they'd love to play outside of school with mine.

She'll bend over backwards facilitating other friendships even though those children have problematic behaviour at times e.g. domineering, occasional threats in the games and disrupting lessons. So it's not that. My child is kind, no arguments and no complaints from school.

Mother slightly odd in some other ways too but who isn't.

AIBU to think this is exclusion or social bullying? How do I support my child as child doesnt understand why friend cant play outside of school? Do some people just like making little kids unhappy?

You sound a bit obsessed with this OP and making it into a bigger drama than it needs to be.

I agree with pp who pointed out you seem to want people to speak negatively about this mum with no evidence to do so except what you tell us. You are also keen to reply to comments that you feel back up your theories about why she’s at fault but ignore any that suggest she might have her own reasons why she doesn’t want to engage with you.
You are biased about your daughter and can’t think of anything she has possibly done wrong, most parents are the same but kids aren’t perfect and your daughters friend could have told her mother things that see your daughter as a negative influence, you don’t know and likely never will.

Let your child play with her friend at school and encourage other friendships for out of school, your daughter isn’t going to be traumatised by this in the future. The more you fixate on why this child’s mum doesn’t seem to like you then your daughter will pick up on it, if you just let it go then she will accept that she just needs to keep the friendship for school for now.

You can’t force people to like you or spend time with you for the sake of your kids, it’s a good lesson that sometimes you need to widen your friendship circle rather then relying on one friend.

You can’t shield your daughter from disappointment forever she needs to learn things aren’t always fair, if you obsess over things that don’t go her way then she will start to do the same, if you keep things positive and let it go and find a distraction then it’s much healthier.

Encourage your child to play with other children and to go on playdates with them. There's probably a reason she doesn't encourage the friendship.

I feel for you OP I was in a similar situation about 8 years ago! This one mum just avoided me, I suspect because I didn’t fit into her designer mummy friend circle. As other posters have suggested, arrange play dates with parents that are more welcoming, your son will be fine and you will probably end up making friends with the nicer parents.

I think I might know why.

OP you seem quite determined to make this personal or something it probably isn't. It absolutely is not bullying for instance.

Take it on the chin yourself and don't speculate. She may have personal or practical reasons for only wanting to manage a small circle of playdates.

Teach your child pragmatism. If they can't play together outside school then make the most of the time they have at breaks. Then when they're older, they can choose their own friends to go to the park with. For now, this woman isn't engaging and that's her choice. The reason probably isn't anything major.

Every time OP posts it’s becoming more and more obvious!

Maybe it's because op speaks negatively about people is the reason she doesn't want her child them.

You are the problem.

First there was the weird initial post where you insulted other children who have "problematic beheaviour" calling them domineering and threatening and disruptive compared to your kind, no argument, no complaints kid.

Massive "not my angel" red flags there.

Caling the mother "odd" and icy cold. Pretending that someone not wanting to hang out with you is bullying and then the dramatic "do some people just like making little kids unhappy?"

You came off very badly, straight away.

You then spent the whole thread completely ignoring the majority of messages asking you to reevaluate and take a chill pill and seizing on to the few who might agree with you.

Post after post after post. Why bother putting it in AIBU, you are absolutely determined not to listen to anyone at all.

Stop trying to engineer and force friendships. The kids play together at school, it is not your place or your right to force yourself into someone else's home or life.

She has ignored your demands for attention. Take the hint.

You are overbearing and controlling, as you said your mother was. And you are teaching your child to believe that your demands and wants are more important than other people's right to be left in peace and have their own choices.

This woman probably has excellent instincts and sees you for the strange, fixated, controlling, demanding, overbearing person you are who thinks she has the right to force friendships in other people's lives and homes.

I would like to believe you are not obsessively fixating on this to your kid and endlessly harping on about it to him as well, because otherwise he may well grow up to be just like you, and your mother.

It's not your place to tell other people who to hang out with. Your child will continue to be excluded because of you, unless you learn some self awareness, chill out and learn to accept rejection.

Nobody needs a reason not to hang out with you, or your child. But really, the reasons are obvious.

OP, you won't have a word said about either your own personality or anything other than the fact your child is an angel and it's all the other kids that are the problem in regard to their behaviour.

I agree with the person above who mentioned that maybe this "best friend" of your child's has told her mother some things about your child that she is not keen on.

You can do nothing but accept this. You may never know why. Let it go. The mother does not want her child being friends with yours outside school, they are her boundaries and her decisions. She has her reasons and just because you deem them as invalid doesn't mean they actually are to her.

Random?

😬 harsh but fair.

Over the years…. What’s happened re birthday parties between the two?

I don't think I said that, I said feedback from school is positive and no concerns, child described as kind, no arguments etc. The mother doesn't really know anything since they've not played together other than at school? Also I mentioned a number of times she facilitates friendships with kids with poor behaviour even those who disrupt lessons, so it's probably not that even if there was ?? As she happily overlooks it in others?

How would you know that they are a “little” less well off than you? What makes you think that?

I never understood this we friends /we not friends and whether the children are friends.

I am friends with a Mum (one of the few from the playground) our two didn’t like each other even now at 21 years old they won’t speak - Mum and I get on very well and still do!

My children picked their friends and im not there to judge providing no one is hurting each other. Yes I did once hold back from a play date as I knew the parents trouble (alcoholic mother) I asked them to ours instead.

This is her problem seemingly - we had a mother like that wanted to keep a little clic - the mums would go away for weekends and spend new year eve altogether….once the children hit senior school I noticed friendship shifted and eventually phased out.

Do you work? Does the mother?

If she's accommodating difficult children it's because she wants to be friends with their mothers. If she is not accommodating perfectly nice children it's because she wants to keep their mothers at arm's length.

Either your child isn't as well behaved or likeable as you think (at least not to this woman, anyway) or she just doesn't much like you. Sorry to say it, but it's one or the other.

So even the little girl “blanks” you and your daughter.

so… this very close friendship has been entirely conducted during school time? You have never actually witnessed it? It’s just your daughter telling you that she’s her best friend?

Hard to know op. My neighbours kid was horrible to my daughter he 20 now. She didnt know what she did. I said just ignore it. I feel its all mind games. Awkward as I like his mum. My point is thats its crap behaviour even when they older. He never liked anyone doing better in exams so we feel it was that.

You mentioned the mother is odd and cold, the child fecks off on your child and the kids she "facilitates" are problematic but yet your child is perfect. There is a reason why this mother doesn't want anything to do with you and it's glaringly obvious.
Back off, leave the kids to play in school and stop pushing the agenda. SHE DOESN'T WANT HER KID PLAYING WITH YOURS OUTSIDE SCHOOL. End off, accept it.

Sorry i didn't get a chance earlier to add...

DS has made friends outside school with another classmate in a nearby street so it's not all bad. I get on fine with this particular mum, but really friendships are fickle at these ages.

I find once they've gone to high school you can relax and leave them to navigate friendships between themselves. Meaning you don't get involved and that's honestly for the best!

Not really all your doing is picking the mother apart,if you say this sort of stuff to other people it's probably got back to her

AIBU to think this is exclusion or social bullying?

Yes you are being unreasonable. This is nothing like exclusion or bullying and it's quite ridiculous to make that leap. Besides, I think children should be free to choose their friends and while I understand it sad for those who don't feel included, I don't think we should ever force our children to play with or include others they don't want in their social group. They might have their own very good reasons for not enjoying a particular child's company and that should be respected. In school or clubs there is plenty of opportunity for inclusion and group play but in their own private time children should be free to pick their own playmates and not have others forced upon them. We as adults reserve the right not to include every Tom, Dick or Harry in our tight social circle, so what message are we sending to children when we don't extend the same choices to them? As you say, this doesn't even seem to be the other child excluding yours, but it seems to be their mother. So what's the point of going there? You aren't going to change her mind and you'll look a bit unhinged if you challenge her about it. Presumably your child and their friend can still play together at school.

How do I support my child as child doesnt understand why friend cant play outside of school?

You just explain in a very matter of fact way that some parents don't like their children having or hosting playdates, or if they do then they only invite the children whose mums they are particularly friendly with themselves. Don't make a big thing about it, just tell them very matter of factly. Don't give them a complex over not being chosen or not good enough.

How do you know feedback from school about the other child's behaviour?
Again surely you are basing this on hearsay of what your child says about the friend and other children (you say the mum invites naughty children over, is this fact or opinion?).
You also say 'both children want a sleepover' - how do you know this about the other child, other than what your own says? Unless they are both come running up to you after school to ask, in which case walk them over to the other mum and talk then? This would be a good opportunity to say with the children there how much your child hopes to organise a playdate and when would be a good time to do this.

Otherwise as I said previously, they enjoy each others company at school so I wouldn't worry to much what goes on outside of school.

Of course it isn't bullying. No one is entitled to play dates in someone's home.