Why would a mum block a friendship? Playdate exclusion

[Skymadeofdiamonds]

My 9 year old has been very close , even best friends, with another child at school. Outside of school child's mother avoids us and is icy cold with us. She is warm and friendly with three others arranging playdates, sleepovers, holidays with them. I've invited her child over a few times but messages completely ignored. Her kid has made it clear they'd love to play outside of school with mine.

She'll bend over backwards facilitating other friendships even though those children have problematic behaviour at times e.g. domineering, occasional threats in the games and disrupting lessons. So it's not that. My child is kind, no arguments and no complaints from school.

Mother slightly odd in some other ways too but who isn't.

AIBU to think this is exclusion or social bullying? How do I support my child as child doesnt understand why friend cant play outside of school? Do some people just like making little kids unhappy?

Could be any number of reasons which you don’t know so best not to worry about it and just say to your child they’ve got a lot on.

I avoided play dates with one child because of some issues with one child that the mum seemed fine with, but don’t like confrontation so just said we had something else on was too busy for a while then she stopped asking again. I know it’s bad.

Except an upset young child that doesn't understand why the friend who wants to play isn't allowed to do so and hasnt been allowed for years?
On this occasion they are natural friends, best friends, not someone mothers chose. The way friendships are supposed to be.
I don't know how to explain adults strange ways to mine when we teach mine and the school teaches them to treat others nicely.

It feels wrong to you but presumably she has her reasons. Maybe she just doesn't like you or your child? Sorry if that sounds blunt but it's really her decision and while you feel sad for your child, you just have to accept it. I would encourage your child to spend time with other friends.

Will try thst Tag, thank you

Yes that's what I don't get, it's not good for the kids and their own kid loses out.

I'd just be honest with DD and tell her you don't know why. You don't -it's not a lie. Tell her it's nothing she has done and then encourage her to invite others over. She'll be fine. She can still play with her friend at school. There's no point wasting your time trying to figure out the mind of a stranger who isn't interested in engaging with you.

don't know how to explain adults strange ways to mine when we teach mine and the school teaches them to treat others nicely.

But you don't need to offer any explanation mostly because you don't know it. You don't even know if it's strange, it could be perfectly valid.

'I have absolutely no idea darling. Carry on playing with him at school, and let me know if there's someone else you'd like to invite instead.'

She may be very anxious yes. Thank you for the encouragement and sharing your experience. Will try to do that too

There's no benefit to tying yourself up in knots trying to figure out a reason.

Maybe she doesn't like you. Maybe your child has upset her child at some point. Maybe she doesn't like your husband has heard a rumour, or maybe she's just a bitch.

You'll never know the reason so there's no benefit in stressing yourself out over it.

There is a fair amount of "social engineering" at primary school where some parents will steer friendships towards families they feel comfortable with. The reasons aren't always obvious. Sometimes it's snobbery, sometimes it's shyness/anxiety. But there's nothing you can do about it. The good news is once they go to secondary school the kids can get on with it and the other crap falls away.

Op I don’t think you can make assumptions, she might have seen or heard something she’s not happy with or maybe something happened in the friendship group (your daughter sounds lovely but nobody is perfect so maybe they had issues you didn’t know about). There’s only so much facilitation you can do but do maybe try and have a conversation with the mum asking about a play date directly

Thanks Hanku. I find it so strange this behaviour. Did those natural friendships survive into older years once mum's control over who the kid plays with runs out?

There are definitely friendships I have discouraged for my daughter. One in particular springs to mind. I'm absolutely certain that her mum would also describe her as lovely and kind, but the reality is quite different for my daughter. It was a bit of a "frenemy" situation. Best friends one day, my daughter being pushed aside the next. Comments on my daughter's clothes. Pointedly leaving my child out of group games but then intermittently "love bombing" her with friendship bracelets etc. All very standard but not something that was healthy for my child. I'm absolutely positive that her mother would not recognise this behaviour in her daughter. The other girls in the group are still welcome at my home for occasional playdates but I will not extend the invitation to this one and have encouraged my daughter to stay well away from her at school.

She obviously has her reasons for not wanting to facilitate the friendship between your children. Maybe there's some superficial reason but maybe she has genuine concerns. You'll never know and she is free to make the choices that she feels are best for her child.

Hi Mary, yes there are some we could try to facilitate but this friend is one of the closest or the closest even.

Yes Foxton that behavior is very similar to this mum's. Thank you

OP I had the same deal with one of mine - I didn’t fit in that particular clique and my son was excluded - emails and invites ignored . I told my son the truth , he’s now almost 15 and he and the other boy are still best mates - from year 6 / year 7 they make their own plans and do stuff together and mums don’t have any real impact . If this is a real and local friendship it will last . Not all people are nice and some have their own issues - 9 is not too young to start learning that - they spend time together at school - a little patience is needed - these things do sort themselves out

Are you much richer or poorer than the other family?

OP I really do get where you are coming from .This happened when my son was at primary school. He was in a solid friendship group throughout and one Mother was really Off with me ,absolutely no idea why .
Her son did come to us after school occasionally but my son never invited there or very rarely.
We live in a reasonable detached house with decent garden but this child lived in a massive house with pool etc .
This child had a summer party when they were 10 and all 6 boys were invited apart from my son . Found out after the event.
This happened about 15 years ago and I still very occasionally think about it ,looking at what an amazing young man he has become.

Yes but she doesn't have to give her time to something she doesn't want to do, nor her child's. Honestly I think you're overthinking it. It hurts to be rejected but it may not even be personal. It could be she just doesn't have time or headspace to dedicate to you and your child because she prioritises other commitments and that's reasonable. You can't control what other people think or get them to do stuff they don't want to do so there's no point trying. Just let it go. They can still be friends at school.

Spot on WizzyWig 💯😂 I suspect so very much

Nobody is going to be able to tell you why the mother is being like this, we can only make assumptions and advise of the numerous possibilities that it could be.

Example, I have a child with social anxiety and has selective mutism. This means he cannot speak in certain situations and definitely would not be able to socially interact with someone he barely knows, obviously we are working on this with him.

Anyhow, perhaps this parent has social anxiety and is unable to reach out to parents she is not familiar with and stays within her familiar friendship group. Maybe sad for her child if he wants to extend his friendship outside the school but she maybe just trying her best.

Unfortunately we can't tell you, all we can advise is, encourage the friendship in school and see if he is able to extend his friendship outside of school with other children whose parents allow them to.

Do you have a dog or any other pets she might not be keen on?
How do your houses compare size wise etc?
Who knows ?

I've now discouraged a friendship too, because the child has not learnt boundaries. Mum is 'too nice' and the child is bossy, loud and obnoxious. When she used to come to my home, aged 9/10, she ruined a carpet using my eyeshadow, made 'milkshake' and spilt it everywhere, rubbed expensive body lotion on the dog... Every time there was something. She was such hard work. Whenever I mentioned it to the Mum she would smile indulgently and say 'oh dear'. But I put up with it until she displayed meanness to my dd and another child, and that was the final straw. I haven't told the mum because I know she wouldn't be able to take it on board about her darling dd. I'm just letting the friendship fade out and pointing out to my dd that this behaviour shouldn't be tolerated.

Not saying your dd is behaving like that. I'm just saying the Mum will have some reason that you don't know about, unfair or not. And if you don't want to know because it might be hard to hear, it's best to let it go.

Is you DC friends with anyone else in the group that she does approve of hanging about with?

If she is, I would expand the invitations, so it is her child that would miss out due to her behaviour rather than yours. Ask the whole group if they'd like to go to the park after school, for example. Maybe invite the close friend and one other over at the same time, in a group chat to both mums.

She probably feels her DD has enough friends, it's enough hassle for her already, easier to keep things the same. She's just not very friendly and doesn't care about you or DD. She might care if the dynamics shifted a bit.

Who has older siblings in the whole situation? Sometimes people who have already done a lot of playdates with their older children, do less or favour playdates where there is an older sibling to play with as well. It might not be that personal if the other three all have older siblings that are friends with her older sibling.

You just have to accept she doesn't want to be your friend. Just forget about her and concentrate on nicer folk.