Son always misses out

[SoFull]

Just after some advice for my son who is extremely unlucky.

He used to be in a competitive sport and always missed out on various opportunities, wins etc.. no matter how hard he tried. Then when he was just getting good, everyone else had growth spurts and he was left behind. I can't tell you how many times I uttered the phrase 'best things come to those who wait' and 'just keep trying'.

The pattern has been the same at school - missing out on parts in plays, selection for the football team, the list goes on etc...

It seems that whenever he really really wants something, even if he practices more than everyone else or wants it the most, he always misses out

Yesterday he was offered an incredible opportunity for something tomorrow. All v last minute. I have never seen him so happy. We applied to school for the day off so he could go to this thing, and he's been excited all day. Then tonight he was told that actually, here aren't enough places and the others selected can go, but he'll have to wait for another time

It might sound like I'm being precious, but I have another child and this just doesn't happen to my other son. He misses out on the odd thing here and there but he also gets breaks. My oldest however, just NEVER gets the breaks and always misses out. I just don't know what to say anymore. He is so so unlucky. He just gets annoyed now when I say 'bets things come to those that wait" because quite frankly no matter how long he waits (and works while he waits) he just never gets the breaks. It's like he's doomed.

Any advice? Because he is distraught tonight. It's not just missing out on this one thing which is happening tomorrow. It's years and years of always missing out, never getting the break, seeing others zoom ahead, get selected etc.... He's learning hard work and persistence don't pay off. Hoping and wishing are pointless and that he is just the world's unluckiest person. And I don't know how to counter that.

Help!

Oh OP, I really feel for you and your son. Sounds like he is working hard but just not quite getting there.

How old is he? If still still primary age perhaps you’re joining the wrong clubs / teams.

DC9 plays sport to a high standard but I know through that there are teams for all levels of ability. Her football club has an A,B and C team for example and everyone is included. Her hockey club fields several mixed ability teams each week and everyone who wants to play, no matter their ability, does play.

Sounds like he could also benefit from a school that is a little more inclusive. Ours is inclusive to the point of frustration (to me as the mum of the sportiest girl in the year) as everyone gets their turn and they win nothing, but other schools in the local area go all out with the same kids picked for everything.

Bless him, how old is he? My DD had a best friend in primary who always came out on top! She was only 6 months older but developmentally, physically and academically you'd think she was 1.5 years older. DD wasn't too unlucky through school and clubs but nothing has come naturally, she hasn't found her passion or niche for anything. There's stuff she likes and stuff she's ok at but I couldn't put her in any category other than average.

The resilience and grounding is the silver lining and the hope/ thought that this other girl has probably peaked in primary and will likely be average later in life and struggle with how to be ordinary!

Or DD will peak in teens/ uni

Hopefully the same for your son.

Really who wants to peak so soon!

Yesterday he was offered an incredible opportunity for something tomorrow. All v last minute. I have never seen him so happy. We applied to school for the day off so he could go to this thing, and he's been excited all day. Then tonight he was told that actually, here aren't enough places and the others selected can go, but he'll have to wait for another time

Ah no, that really doesn’t sound fair. Could you have a word with the organisers…they need to be more careful and avoid doing this to kids!!

“Yesterday he was offered an incredible opportunity for something tomorrow. All v last minute. I have never seen him so happy. We applied to school for the day off so he could go to this thing, and he's been excited all day. Then tonight he was told that actually, here aren't enough places and the others selected can go, but he'll have to wait for another time”

Who made this offer/total cock up? Assuming it’s a formal organisation like a sports club I’d actually make a proper parental complaint about this, it’s a completely unfair way to treat a child. It’s one thing not to be selected in the first place, another to be offered something then have it taken away hours before it was happening because “there aren’t enough places” - how did they not know how many places they had?!

Thanks @shakeitoffshakeacocktail and @Thedownstream

He's actually 13! This unlucky streak has been going on since he was about 5. He was great at a particular sport yet was never moved up to next squad when friends were etc.. got the silver or bronze or 4th when on paper could've been first etc.. then puberty hit the others and he's so tiny he went backwards - all his friends had their 'turn' of growing and making massive gains. He never got his 'turn'. But it's the same in EVERYTHING! He is literally the unluckiest person I've ever met.

Start of year 7, schoop trip. Extremely excited, then was ill and missed it. Like literally the only kid in the year to miss it. This kind of thing happens ALL THE TIME

I just have no idea what to say anymore. I used to think when he's older things willmstart working out for him. But he's 13 now and things are no better. In fact it's almost worse because he has lots of hormones whizzing around etc.. and he also recognises how bloody unlucky he is and he's getting very very very fed up - 'when will.i get some luck?' 'when willmit be my turn?' 'when will.i get the break?' 🙁

This was one issue I absolutely didn't see coming or predict pre-children. And I'm not seeing things through any shaded lens or not seeing the positive evidence etc.. he genuinely is decking unlucky!! :(

Agree with this. It's very unfair of them to invite him when they hadn't checked things properly and I would be very angry and communicating that (politely but clearly). Are they sure even now that all the others are definitely going? There are often drop outs on the day for anything. Is it too late to contact them?

Yes it's a cock up. He was excited about missing school tomorrow 😁 as well as obviously attending the special thing. Now he has to go to school :( as well as missing out on something he was ecstatic about. Double whammy!

Complaining is one thing , but it won't change anything. He's still not going to be going tomorrow. Even if my complaint was read by 9am tomorrow, no-ones going to attend to it in time. He's gutted.

If it was just this one thing, I'd think 'fair enough, it's a shame but nevermind'. But this is like the final straw of years and years of bad luck.

I know given the millions of people there are on the earth, some people will be lucky enough to have runs of good luck that last years, and some will.have runs of bad luck that last years. But I just wish it wasn't my kid getting the bad luck :(

He's so sad tonight and I'm at a loss what to say anymore. I've just said 'im.so.sorry. I know it's shit.' anything positive I say just doesn't seem worth it anymore and also, untrue! :(

He was told at 9:30pm he wasn't going tomorrow (🙁) I checked at 10pm and they confirmed he wasn't now able to go. I doubt things will change by 9am tomorrow. It's shit but we r used to this sort of thing now sadly. It's always him in the position of missing out. I genuinely don't think it's anything he is or isn't doing. He's just extremely unlucky :( he's had enough of always missing out but I just don't know what to say :( I am worried he's internalising all this and it's teaching him unhelpful messages which he might be internalising :(

Can you keep him off and spoil him?

I'd send a stinker of an email to the organisers too. That's really not on when it comes to kids.

So unfair. You should really tell them how it has affected your son to be chosen and when unsigned. They should do better!

I'm thinking about keeping him off, but (as is his typical bad luck...) he was off school ill all last week (and missed out on a sport tournament on Saturday he'd been looking forward to for months because he was ill, such is his bad luck poor thing) so I don't know really if he should miss more school when he doesn't have good reason as such... But maybe this is a good enough reason.

I'm a teacher... Keep him off! Really his self worth is more important than the lessons tomorrow.

thanks 😊 ok I will. That'll cheer him up a bit when he wakes up :)

I agree it's not on.

Is it the same group/sport ? We has this with one group - well two of same organisation for DS we never got told things even meeting not happening - in end covid hit so and he aged out. I did try and suggest not going or trying different groups but I think he thought it would get better - made it clear it was them not us at fault.

First place we live we weren't local enough to get places in clubs - parents in my village said similar their faces didn't fit they were in with right people. However DS year in first primary was awful with parents excluding kids - including DS - so could somone have marked his card as it were?

I don’t think it usually pays to be ‘that parent’ but sometimes … you need to be that parent. I’d 100% go postal (firmly but not ‘kindly’) on whoever saw fit to bump your son to the bottom of the list. Similarly with sports teams, doesn’t need to be aggressive or pushy, just be honest in saying, “Josh has tried really hard for years but he is getting dispirited at repeatedly missing out which is bad for his self esteem. Can you recommend steps he can take to get picked in future, or alternatively do you know of anywhere else where he might find his niche/ fit in better?”.

absolutely many sports and skill and hobby clubs promote ultra confident but not that talented kids, kids with pushy parents/parents who give financially and practically to the clubs, etc etc etc. Sometimes banging their drum and stamping your feet is justified.

One way he is lucky is that he has a really caring mum. I think you will have to give him some experiences that start to make him believe he can be lucky, even if the school stuff doesn't quite go his way.

I was saying to a colleague that our children's disappointment is almost harder to take than any of their other emotions. That frustration of wanting to make it all better.

He was great at a particular sport yet was never moved up to next squad when friends were etc..

I have to admit when that happened to mine very obvioulsy I've asked why - sometimes just asking meant it's changed other times there a reason I can help with and a few times given brush off - though that did one time make DD1 change her approach and give up with that teacher and that extra activity and try another way.

Your poor DS! Is he the only one who has been deselected? What are the grounds for him being the one who now misses out? What guarantee are the organisers offering that he will have an equivalent opportunity?

Without having any idea what the organisation is it's hard to make suggestions of how to take things forward but if it were my DS who had been dropped with less than 12 hours to go, I would send an email to the organiser and whoever is above them in the chain of command. I would describe DS's excitement at being selected for this and how much it meant to him as someone who has missed a couple of opportunities due to illness and has never had the experience of being selected for something exciting before. Then describe his evening after the news he'd been deselected. Include things DS has said and also your concern that DS is beginning to see himself as worthless and expendable and let them know how disappointed you are that their organisation has such little regard for your DS's emotional wellbeing. Explain that they need to email the school by 8.30am to inform them DS has been dropped and to ensure his teachers for tomorrow know that he may be feeling extra vulnerable.

OP if not already said then I would also say him that, yes it's a bit shit you were not picked/did not go etc. I remember a particular situation about 12 months ago with my then 18 year old daughter who had started her apprenticeship and had to travel 2.5 hours with the 2/3 night hotels or Airbnb for 3 months due to accommodation issues....if I mentioned the word resilience one more time she would have punched me 😂😂 good luck!

Oh your poor son! What a crappy way to treat someone. Poor kid. I really hope his luck changes soon. He sounds really strong to have made it this far with so many knockbacks. That’s really tough.

Dropping a kid like that is very very bad form by the organisers, and needs addressing and a complaint

The narrative you are feeding your DS about always being unlucky and how things never work out for him is harmful and needs to stop. He'll be on his way to being a glass half-full woe-is me man, if you are not careful

Winning silver or bronze is amazing, only 1 person gets gold. 1 person. I do not know if you do sport yourself, but it is not actually all about being the best.

Everybody faces disappointment and there is no law that says if you keep persevering one day you will be the winner of winners

It is all about the journey, the enjoyment of the sport, getting better. Being better than you were a year ago. The cameraderie. The adventures. The fun. The growth. Dealing with adversity.

He is so young and has so many opportunities, there are so many things he has not even tried his hand at yet. Feeding him this narrative of " bad things always happen to me " is harmful. Stop it, please

Oh OP, weirdly enough, i do believe in luck (although I believe in almost nothing else). Without wanting to analyse the current situation (and whether he was really unlucky or if it’s just your perception, coincidence, etc), all I can say is that luck comes and goes. It is unfair but one day luck may turn in his favour

The narrative you are feeding your DS about always being unlucky and how things never work out for him is harmful and needs to stop. He'll be on his way to being a glass half-full woe-is me man, if you are not careful

Agree with this. Research shows we really do make our own luck - people who believe they're lucky are lucky (because they are more confident, take more risks etc) and people who think they're doomed will be doomed.

It sounds like he's had a normal life of normal achievements.

I agree with the posts above, I think you've been counting and focusing on the unlucky things rather than the lucky ones. Which is easy to do but you feel a loss twice as much as a gain. I bet loads of good things have happened and you haven't counted them.

But he’s not “unlucky” - whatever organisation this is has treated him really poorly. Yes, he’s still not going tomorrow, but I actually think just sitting back and absorbing all this as “bad luck” he just has to passively accept isn’t helpful. No one can do anything about his growth or being sick on a school trip but you can be assertive about this - you refer to “waiting for another time” so if this is an opportunity that might happen again I’d be being fairly pushy that it is really is going to be his turn next time.