Son always misses out

[SoFull]

Just after some advice for my son who is extremely unlucky.

He used to be in a competitive sport and always missed out on various opportunities, wins etc.. no matter how hard he tried. Then when he was just getting good, everyone else had growth spurts and he was left behind. I can't tell you how many times I uttered the phrase 'best things come to those who wait' and 'just keep trying'.

The pattern has been the same at school - missing out on parts in plays, selection for the football team, the list goes on etc...

It seems that whenever he really really wants something, even if he practices more than everyone else or wants it the most, he always misses out

Yesterday he was offered an incredible opportunity for something tomorrow. All v last minute. I have never seen him so happy. We applied to school for the day off so he could go to this thing, and he's been excited all day. Then tonight he was told that actually, here aren't enough places and the others selected can go, but he'll have to wait for another time

It might sound like I'm being precious, but I have another child and this just doesn't happen to my other son. He misses out on the odd thing here and there but he also gets breaks. My oldest however, just NEVER gets the breaks and always misses out. I just don't know what to say anymore. He is so so unlucky. He just gets annoyed now when I say 'bets things come to those that wait" because quite frankly no matter how long he waits (and works while he waits) he just never gets the breaks. It's like he's doomed.

Any advice? Because he is distraught tonight. It's not just missing out on this one thing which is happening tomorrow. It's years and years of always missing out, never getting the break, seeing others zoom ahead, get selected etc.... He's learning hard work and persistence don't pay off. Hoping and wishing are pointless and that he is just the world's unluckiest person. And I don't know how to counter that.

Help!

I feel for you @SoFull I have this with my DS15. He plays sport too and is usually consistently good but it doesn't get recognised. He doesn't get man of the match because he's always decent and the one time he does that extra mile so does someone else who isn't usually so consistent, so they get it.
Always 2nd/3rd etc never gets to the top.

School trip this year in his absolute favourite subject which the teacher has highlighted on numerous occasions how good. 70 places,80 kids want to go, obviously he's in the 10 who can't go, meanwhile his step sibling got a place who wasn't arsed really but wanted to go cause his mate was.

It's been relentless his whole life. He gets left out of things, not included etc and just left behind. He has ASD which makes it harder for me to accept as he already has to try harder. And he is the most wonderful, caring, lovely, hard working kid (and I'm not just biased, other people tell me so).

I have no advice as I have struggled too and the school trip pushed me over the edge completely. But I do have massive empathy and just a 'I'm with you'.

I sound passive probably because I'm at the end now. This has been going on a long time. Ive done my fair share.of speaking to the coach or asking this or saying that, of re-directing from.this sport to that, of encouraging, of supporting. Of picking up the pieces. I'm tired now.and I give up. It is soul destroying to watch your child constantly miss out. At some point you burn out.

Oh gosh. He could be my son. Thank you so much for 'getting it'.

What you describe about the school trip.sounds like my DS to the tee. It's so sad to watch isn't it.

Hope the tide turns for your DS soon 💐💐💐💐

"Yesterday he was offered an incredible opportunity for something tomorrow. All v last minute. I have never seen him so happy. We applied to school for the day off so he could go to this thing, and he's been excited all day. Then tonight he was told that actually, here aren't enough places and the others selected can go, but he'll have to wait for another time "

I'd be telling whoever it was that the place was offered and that they can't just withdraw it like that

@SoFull like you I don't push the unlucky narrative for him. I support and encourage. We go for hot chocolate to celebrate after a good match and I did complain to the school about the trip to have his back.

But it doesn't stop us in our own time being sad about it. The trip his response to me when I told him was 'typical, I knew I wouldn't get to go'. He had made sure I filled the form in asap, been amazing in lessons etc all to really try but in the end selection was random and he was just unlucky.

But my god it really broke my heart for him.

Hugs, it's really sad and as you say not something I saw coming or prepped for!

I think the message “you’ll get your break one day” is presumably where the messaging has gone wrong.

For many, they will never get their break any day. That’s just sport. You don’t take it in turns to win.

I would focus on the things he is lucky about - presumably you are healthy, able to afford these activities, and able bodied. And not in a “just be grateful” way but a genuine “we are so fortunate” sincere way. Every time he says he’s unlucky you can guide him to think about the many ways he is lucky.

It really, really doesn't sound like he is particularly "unlucky." So far we've had:

• He got ill just before a school trip.
• There was a cock up and he won't get to do something special tomorrow.
• He hasn't been selected for the football team.
• He hasn't got parts in plays.
• He's shorter than his peers or had growth spurts later than them.

Those are all completely normal things to happen. Completely normal for all of them to happen to the same child. More than once. I missed my year 6 residential trip because I was ill, was never been selected for a team (ever), never got a part I auditioned for, had people screw up so I didn't get opportunities, was a late developer. I'm not unlucky, just normal.

All that's happening is you focus on the negative, identified a run of disappointments, decided your boy is really really really unlucky and then, through confirmation bias, built up every little disappointment into yet another example of his cursed life.

There's no mystical force called luck. There are the normal ups and downs of life and none of us get everything we want. Get rid of these unhelpful thoughts, start focusing on the positive, and watch his "luck" magically change.

You are posting on a site where many mothers write about their disabled children, so do be careful when you say your son is unlucky for missing a stupid part in a stupid play or missing out on some silly sports. Does he have his health? Clearly he has his loving parents? Not in care? Not in a young offenders' institution? He is a lucky person. Ask him to look at the situation this way.

You sound like a very nice person. This will sound awful, but have you tried be a c.
If it’s school that stuffed up go in and really tell them off. When he doesn’t get a spot in a play carry on like a pork chop. Complain to the teacher then the head of year. Be the squeaky wheel that they feel anxious to see when you walk into the office. You might find ds gets a spot in something just to shut you up.
I know you shouldn’t do stuff like that, but sometimes you just need to see your kid get a win once. Then you can revert back to your lovely self.

This is a pattern that is wearing away a his self confidence. It was the same way with my son. It becomes self perpetuating.

You are asking for feedback.

He should hear that he deserves better. He should see it. He needs to feel it. He needs some major esteem building. A self confidence course. A hidden talent. You need to make this happen. Seek help. Whatever it takes. Not fret because it doesn’t happen.

You need to make the hard phone calls and stand up for him and put him in situations where he has the best chances to build on his strengths. This is not complaining. It is giving you son an affirmative voice.

The undercurrent should be “this sucks but we are changing this pattern!” Not that he is doomed to this kind of unfortunate circumstance for the rest of his life.

You both have the power to change this.

I get it OP. DC1 was the same. I felt like it broke my heart. We had to actively make our own opportunities together, which didn’t solve everything but it offset it somewhat.

💐 for you. It’s hard to witness.

I think you need to change the narrative. For him and for you. There is no such thing as luck. He has probably been treated unfairly, or not noticed, or not found what he's really good at yet (He's only 13). He's missed out on this wonderful opportunity not because he is 'unlucky' but because someone made a huge mistake. You need to push back and kick up a fuss about this. Speak to teachers if you feel that he is being left out or not chosen for things. The 'unlucky' story he has of himself could actually be a self-fulfilling prophecy, and a myth.

As a parent of two disabled children, OP is allowed to voice her views without it being a game of Top Trumps for who has it worse.

I can totally relate, with a kid who is wonderful - smart, hard-working, nice person - but often overlooked. I think partly because of his very niceness, partly because I myself am not part of the social "in" group that is needed in our area for kids to hear about good opportunities. And, yes, it is cumulative: if you don't get to go on the cool activity with the other kids, they make relationships with each other that they don't make with you, because you weren't present, and then they plan things together that you don't get invited to, and so on.

I don't think it is helpful to use "best things come to those who wait" because it's not really true. Nor is it true that "your turn will come" (some people never really get "their turn" do they?) or that "this will make you more resilient." Actually this sort of repeated social defeat is now known to wear away at self-esteem, not to make people more resilient.

At the same time, I don't think it's great, even in your own mind, to think of him as being systematically unlucky. It's also not strictly true. He's lucky to have a stable home, regular food, clothing that keeps him warm, a decent school, to have access to sports, and so on. These are big things! I think it's a mistake to set the bar so high that a bronze medal is a failure rather than a success. If he misses a cool field-trip, you can plan one for a weekend, so that he still gets to do trips. One of the luckiest things he has is a mom who is loyal to him, competent enough to ensure he has all the things I listed above, and that cares about his future.

Maybe take the focus off, do something else special when he misses out. Like the tounrmanet, say something light, "bad timing you can't help getting sick, but we can do xyz when you're feeling better." My kids are autistic, they miss out on a lot, they also get sick a lot and so then miss out more, heartbreakingly my middle boy wishes he wasn't Autistic. I agree with him that the hard stuff is really hard and that sometimes its really unfair, because what he goes through is unfair. We focus on him trying his best, doing the things he can and enjoying things, that's the important stuff, not how well he does. I try to focus on what they can do and what events they can get too. If he can't make it to something he really wants to go to we plan to do something else he really likes. You can't make things fall into place and resilience isn't the be all and it doesn't make things less unfair. What you can control is him getting to do other things he enjoys and is good at. Is there anything he can beat the family at? My DD is really good at a specific card game so I suggest playing that if she's feeling like she's not doing well at anything.

Exactly. My 16 yo dd always has almost always passed her dance exams with merit and in her dance school it is pretty much unheard of to just get a pass so a merit feels like a straight pass. She has only had the odd distinction. Her friend otoh has only had one or two merits, all the rest distinctions. I just say that’s nice for her friend and my dd does extremely well to get merits, we can’t all get those marks and move on. The truth is her friend practices like crazy to get the mark, where dd doesn’t even bother to practice at home. Pointing that out to a teenager isn’t necessarily going to help. She knows the truth.

Your ds is really normal and he won’t perhaps ever get his turn in sport as this isn’t how things work. My dd is selected for her netball team. She’s good at it. A friend of hers, who now has left the school wanted to be selected but wasn’t because she wasn’t good enough. Otoh the girl is brilliant at art.

That is life. And it’s about engendering your child’s talents as much as brooking disappointment. Your ds needs to do the sport for the camaraderie, exercise and pleasure, not because he’s picked. If that doesn’t work for him, it would be more fulfilling perhaps to find something he is good at or find a lower ability team, where he will be picked. You’re looking at it the wrong way round.

As for being selected and deselected, I’d be pretty mad about that. My dd was selected and deselected to read out a poem she had written at a school performance when she was in year 6. I didn’t say anything but I was annoyed as she rarely got picked for stuff, not her forte. In your shoes I would say something.

It’s getting more apparent my dd is likely on the spectrum but heavily masked. She refuses to seek diagnosis but gets upset easily about such things and takes it personally so I do get it. It’s your job as a parent to say we are all good at different things.

But he's not unlucky at all. He has a mum who loves him very much. He isn't a refugee, or in a war zone, or hungry. Relatively speaking, he's living in paradise. Give him a hug and tell him you're really sad he's having a shit time - stupid organisers, I'd definitely contact them and tell them what they've done to his self esteem. But if he starts to believe that he's an unlucky person as opposed to the truly fortunate one he is, then he'll develop a very negative mindset and it won't help him in life. I'm not meaning to sound trite - I know you're in pain right now.

I think this is interesting. Can you take on board and discuss with your ds?

@SoFull Please please don't let your son think he is ''unlucky''.

Regarding his ''size''.... My son is a late July birthday and he was the youngest in his class.

He was ''tiny''....very under developed compared to his peers - BUT he was just a late developer, physically.

He's grown now, {adult} and over six feet tall.

Not all boys are grown until they are 21.

I was a late developer {No periods til 15} and my Dad didn't attain full height til 21.

Kids generally become taller than their parents- don't give up hope!

Your son may just be a ''late developer'' .

But please stop with the ''unlucky'' stuff. 🍀

Some of this is bad luck, but some is just genetics. Most kids are average. In fact, 50% of kids are below average. Sound like your son was way above average for his sport, just not good enough to be an elite athlete or w/e, the same as most people aren't.

See how the rest of his life plays out before bemoaning his "luck".

I agree...He's NOT ''unlucky''- he's very lucky! compared to millions of children on the planet.

The silly sport probably does have height/weight/age stipulations ?

Just because OP's son might be a late developer doesn't mean he is ''unlucky''. He could well become a six foot plus man.

People definitely make their own ''luck'' - negative thinking isn't good for anyone!

im afraid I would have been that parent and spoken to the clubs and schools until they made sure something worked out for him as it’s much easier than dealing with me again.
i don’t understand the trip tomorrow and why you aren’t in their face saying you can’t do this to my son and why have you picked him?? Even now I’d go to the drop off tomorrow morning early and tell them how their fuck up had made my child feel and tell them to find a way to fix it.

OP, factors such as these make a big difference. Have a read of Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell for more info and cited studies. The things that make "genius" and "achievement" are only partly to do with hard work and mainly to do with social and, yes, even birthdate factors, no matter what the rah-rah bootstrap brainwashers want to tell you (and make money out of you in "coaching").

Rather than persist with what sounds like shitfully boring sport clubs, can your boy take stock of his attributes and think about where he can better use them? Has he ever done dance classes in hip-hop and tap? The dance and music theatre realms are crying out for boys. Stuff like height doesn't matter. If he's fit and athletic, can learn quickly and gets on OK with girls, he might find the performing arts a good place to unleash his evident energy and commitment.

He could also look at running, cycling and triathlon. Lots of good athletes succeed here once they get jack of team sports and need something else.

Unluckiest kid ever? Because he won bronze and silver and not gold?! Are you actually serious, OP??

Yes, what happened tonight absolutely sucks and I feel for your son. You should complain about it and explain to the organizers how it's affected your son. I'd ask that he is selected to go on this thing next time.

But the way you describe things is absolutely ridiculous.

Your son is healthy, he has a family that loves him, presumably a lovely home and a mum willing to go above and beyond to make him feel special and happy. He sounds incredibly lucky to me.

Your attitude is the problem.

I think it is unlucky but validate his feelings. Change what you say to him as saying it comes to those who wait isn’t true in his situation is it. Ask him how he feels and discuss the disappointment. I would fight his corner on this one and complain as that is very short notice. I hope you can do something nice with him instead.