Son always misses out

[SoFull]

Just after some advice for my son who is extremely unlucky.

He used to be in a competitive sport and always missed out on various opportunities, wins etc.. no matter how hard he tried. Then when he was just getting good, everyone else had growth spurts and he was left behind. I can't tell you how many times I uttered the phrase 'best things come to those who wait' and 'just keep trying'.

The pattern has been the same at school - missing out on parts in plays, selection for the football team, the list goes on etc...

It seems that whenever he really really wants something, even if he practices more than everyone else or wants it the most, he always misses out

Yesterday he was offered an incredible opportunity for something tomorrow. All v last minute. I have never seen him so happy. We applied to school for the day off so he could go to this thing, and he's been excited all day. Then tonight he was told that actually, here aren't enough places and the others selected can go, but he'll have to wait for another time

It might sound like I'm being precious, but I have another child and this just doesn't happen to my other son. He misses out on the odd thing here and there but he also gets breaks. My oldest however, just NEVER gets the breaks and always misses out. I just don't know what to say anymore. He is so so unlucky. He just gets annoyed now when I say 'bets things come to those that wait" because quite frankly no matter how long he waits (and works while he waits) he just never gets the breaks. It's like he's doomed.

Any advice? Because he is distraught tonight. It's not just missing out on this one thing which is happening tomorrow. It's years and years of always missing out, never getting the break, seeing others zoom ahead, get selected etc.... He's learning hard work and persistence don't pay off. Hoping and wishing are pointless and that he is just the world's unluckiest person. And I don't know how to counter that.

Help!

He’s not unlucky op
He just the type of person who may be a jack of all trades master of none
loads of people like this

In terms of things like being picked for trips if its a taking in turns or random thing, rather than by ability, I think after a few times you should point out to organisers he's been the overlooked one a few times, could they divide things more fairly.

However, it seems bizarre to talk about luck and missing out about being moved to a higher team or getting a gold medal. Not everyone can be best and sometimes all the hard work in the world can't make you have the best ability. Plenty of people are never in the top team or win anything. That's life and, although it's hard most people have to learn to accept they are not the best at something without it affecting their self esteem - a tricky balance I know, especially if he is mates with the ones who are very talented. But maybe you and he are putting too much emphasis on sports and he needs to either accept he does it for fun and exercise not to be best, or he tries other things and makes it less important on his life.

Also, all kids miss out on things due to illness occasionally. Are you sure you aren't just naturally noticing the times he does and feeling it is more then usual, because naturally you wouldn't notice other kids as much? Or, if it really is more frequent than average, I wonder if there is a possibility (and he doesn't have any underlying health conditions why) that there are psychosomatic issues with getting too worked up, nervous about trips or events leading to illness? Just a thought if it really is that frequent. A self fulfilling prophesy maybe.

Sometimes 'being unlucky' is a self fulfilling prophecy. You have to stop saying he's always missing out etc because it'll do more damage to him. Start pointing out how lucky he is even if you have to fake it. 'Find' a tenner under a bush "omg so lucky!", enter competitions and help him win. If he feels lucky then he will be lucky. Or at least he won't feel so bad

Echoing all the points above that the activity are unprofessional, are you going to complain? It doesn’t change this time but they need to be told. Also, very likely people wouldn’t even see a message at 9.30pm so would still turn up, that’s not fair.

take your DS out today for the best day out ever 😊

He wasn't unlucky until you started telling him he was.

He's not unlucky, he's just small for his age (it's fine; puberty will come) and not very good at sport.

He sounds pretty resilient, which is way more useful than being lucky.

However, I would be unleashing hell on the organisers who dropped him at the 11th hour.

I feel your frustration regarding the sports activity, I can only assume the school had someone they believed wasn't going to attend the event today so they started to make a back up plan, only for that child to then suddenly bring in their form or something? It would be worth messaging the school again to say it was disappointing and that if they can't follow through with offering the event then they shouldn't have said anything.

Regarding the sports, maybe he needs a more inclusive team. My son won't do any sports because he doesn't think he is good enough. My friend has tried encouraging him to go to a football group her daughter goes to where everyone gets a turn to play a match. She had previously played for a team where only the good players were selected and it didn't matter whether you trained every session and were motivated. Some teams are more about winning while others are about fun and participation.

Missing things because of ill health. Well that's life. I still remember missing a school disco when I was in primary school and trying to beg my mum to let me go as I felt better! These things will happen and it is a shame, but this is just something we have to manage.

I am sure you could turn this around and think of all the positives he has achieved:
The school trips he's enjoyed
Work he has done well in
Taking part in an event

Focus on intrinsic rather than extrinsic reward.

I have one like this. It’s not bad luck - it’s just that adults never “see” them properly, focusing on others.
Mine was the only one in the school with all top grades not to be recognised for a school leavers prize. She won a joint external prize once and the other child got the write up on the website and school newsletter.

You mentioned maturity and I think that plays a part too. Her school saw her as the little kid who sneaked into top place at the last minute when in fact she was always there, unseen.

Yes, all of this. I don’t like being That Parent, but I absolutely will advocate for my child when I feel it’s needed.

Id be furious with the organisers of this trip, and I’d be making them very aware of the consequences of their actions. It may not change anything this time, but your DS will know, and it should put him top of the list for next time.

I’d also be proactively looking at ways to “balance the books “ as far as your child’s luck goes. Keep him off school and do something fantastic with him, so he feels like the luckiest boy in town.

I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all.

This is a very interesting problem and I don’t think it will help to brush it off and ignore it as others have suggested.

I think it might be time for a full on change of approach. I’ve had some patches of bad luck in my life and I think when they happen you need to make radical changes, not keep going the same because then you get the same results.

I think my advice would be to get some books, films and TV programmes about luck and read or otherwise consume them together. Talk about the science of probability, but also about how some people do seem to have fewer opportunities and more challenges.

Your son does seem to have missed out on a great many things but statistically as an inhabitant of the Western World he has had more luck. (Also white men do in general but I’m not sure that’s a helpful route right now.)

What skills can he develop that transcend bad luck? I don’t know the answer but I think you have to drag this problem into the light and attack it!

Good luck! 🍀

I agree. I would be going absolutely mad about this. Why is your son the one missing out? Don't just email. That's easy to deflect. Make them explain. Tell them you're furious, explain why and make them squirm. Is there any other way this organization can make it up to him (some special activity/prioritisation/mention just for him?). Them just shrugging their shoulders is just not good enough.

How much of the missing out on things is illness?

Is he ill more often / missed stuff because ill more often than other kids?

I say this because I’ve seen big variation in threshold for missing stuff for illness. There’s kids who’ll be there despite being dosed up and under the weather but don’t want to miss out, and there are ones who are off as soon as not perfectly well.

Potentially some adjustment on mindset tgere may help. Or looking at ways of improving resilience health wise. Vitamins, saline sprays at very start of cold symptoms etc

He was picked at the 11th hour. Presumably the original boy was able to go after all.

No he wasn't

@RedHelenB

Ok so the being bumped from the event last minute is really unfair, I’d be livid about that, but the rest, no. Illness happens, that’s life and bad timing. Getting bronze, not gold? Really? Be glad that he can actually compete and take part. Sounds so entitled.

So sorry, this is rough.

All I can say is stay as positive as possible around him.

Have a Plan B, C, D, etc., so when something is cancelled or doesn't work out he can go and do something else that interests him. I know it is rough with team sports and they require huge effort and can't simply be 'replaced'. But he shouldn't be stuck at home if something doesn't happen.

Trip to a climbing wall, starting martial arts, etc.

Has he got any pets - look st this if you can care for them (I don't mean that negatively, but if someone is home in the day a dog is going to be fine). I would really consider this if he is getting low.

Also, speak to the coaches and look for feedback. Areas to improve, or is he simply the wrong build. I did sports to a very high level. A car accident, then a change in the weight category scuppered years of training and competing at intl level... painful, but I could still take what I had learnt and transfer it to other areas.

Yes the illness thing sticks out for me.more than 'bad luck' . Agree its a self fulfilling prophecy
...he has a great life and he's so young. I wouldnt say anything anymore about being unlucky. He could have an amazing break around the corner, he's young and sporty and has a loving family. The sport thing tomorow is awful and I would be really cross about this but would turn it round to a nice day off go somewhere and do something fab and have a lovely lunch. During that lunch bury all this unlucky/bad luck stuff and move on. Great things are coming.

I think you’re misunderstanding other posters. No one is suggesting that your son doesn’t often come fourth or miss the cut-off for something, they’re saying it’s not a matter of ‘missing out’. He just is where he is, slightly less good than a number of others at his sport, a late developer in growth terms, has not got parts in plays, and in this case, had an event organiser mess up. These are all perfectly normal in the average childhood. You are the one stringing them into a ‘bad luck’ pattern where it doesn’t exist.

It’s like posters who think their house is haunted. Sure, there are creaks and draughts and mislaid things and flickering lights, but those are ordinary, unrelated, individual things, down to poor insulation, dodgy electrics etc. They’re not a string of related events. Neither is your son’s life a run of bad luck.

I don't think it's helpful to think of it as bad luck, or people deliberately doing it, or not being good enough.
Nor to say "he'll have his time" because that isn't necessarily true.

Op, we do tend to remember the times we didn't get it. Try writing down every time he does get something.

My dbro used to always look on the bad side. He would say "it's always me". I had the reputation in my family of being lucky.
You know, I didn't get more opportunities than he did. If anything I got less because of that reputation my parents pushed him forward.
And if he didn't get something there were "not again" vibes all round, but nothing was said when he did, except he deserved it because of all the bad luck.
If I got something, then it was treated as got by luck even if it was because of something I had achieved. If I didn't get something I might have expected then it was ignored.

The narrative you are feeding your DS about always being unlucky and how things never work out for him is harmful and needs to stop. He'll be on his way to being a glass half-full woe-is me man, if you are not careful

I'm so glad it's not just me who sees this. I mean, at one point his mum referred to him as the world's unluckiest person

Echo what everyone else is saying - you are creating a self fulfilling prophecy. Your son will be picking up on it as you clearly believe this he's unlucky narrative. You need to be far less passive. It's easy for you to not to do anything isn't it if you feel all these events are somehow attributed to fate. You should be on the phone tearing strips off the people who cancelled. It won't mean he can go but it will mean he has seen you standing up for him. I get the feeling that you are not a very forceful person OP and that your idea of standing up for your son is not cutting it. I think you need to really think about why you prefer the passive narrative of luck and the platitude of "good things come to those who wait".

I agree
but I suspect the op doesn’t want to hear this and simply has decided to leave the thread because we haven’t been giving the responses she wanted

In relation to being picked for teams and plays etc I get what everyone is saying but there's another pp talking about how one of hers missed out on the window seat on the way home when it was turn, his brother getting the better pack of unseen football cards, never drawing a tombola prize ticket..that sort of thing. If it's constant and relentless and always, and it just is for some kids, then that can really hurt and there is no way you can affect it or change it. People are focusing on the sport etc but there's the other element too and just saying "well that's life" but when it's always them that it happens too, it's really disheartening.

I think you might be looking this the wrong way. Most people are average by definition. We don't have to get to the top to be successful. I bet loads of people have dropped out of his sport or activity along the way and its only the good ones left at age 13.

My daughter does loads of activities and often "misses out" due to not being quite as good as the others but she doesn't feel unlucky. Eg she is involved in a sport where she hasn't progressed for years but still goes because she enjoys it.

Can you perhaps find something less competitive for him to join?

I really feel for you and your son. Just to offer an idea. I’m not quite how to do this but perhaps to reframe things a little. Best things come to those who wait implies there is a best thing your son hasn’t got and needs to get. But the thing he worked towards and didn’t get is not the only thing in his life. Achievement and value is not just from getting the gold. Maybe try to help him focus on other things and see achievement and value in the day to day. I say this as someone who chased achievement etc and find now as an adult that I really don’t know how to just ‘be’. Take away the unlucky narrative because it suggests he is less than, or the universe has failed him. He’s done so many great things that need to be celebrated! I do think it’s about training the mind to spot the positives, some people find it easier than others. I’m still working on it! Good luck.

OP, is your DS born in the second half of the academic year? There is well known research / evidence - relative age effect - that professional footballers are more likely to be born at the beginning of the academic year. There are some outliers, such as Harry Kane, born at the end of July, but his genes (as well as his talent) probably help, he’s 6 ft. 2.

Have a look at the growth mindset theory, Carol Dweck. Please send him to school. When we deal with adversity we model how to cope to our children. I wouldn’t miss work were I disappointed and my DC wouldn’t have missed school.