Son always misses out

[SoFull]

Just after some advice for my son who is extremely unlucky.

He used to be in a competitive sport and always missed out on various opportunities, wins etc.. no matter how hard he tried. Then when he was just getting good, everyone else had growth spurts and he was left behind. I can't tell you how many times I uttered the phrase 'best things come to those who wait' and 'just keep trying'.

The pattern has been the same at school - missing out on parts in plays, selection for the football team, the list goes on etc...

It seems that whenever he really really wants something, even if he practices more than everyone else or wants it the most, he always misses out

Yesterday he was offered an incredible opportunity for something tomorrow. All v last minute. I have never seen him so happy. We applied to school for the day off so he could go to this thing, and he's been excited all day. Then tonight he was told that actually, here aren't enough places and the others selected can go, but he'll have to wait for another time

It might sound like I'm being precious, but I have another child and this just doesn't happen to my other son. He misses out on the odd thing here and there but he also gets breaks. My oldest however, just NEVER gets the breaks and always misses out. I just don't know what to say anymore. He is so so unlucky. He just gets annoyed now when I say 'bets things come to those that wait" because quite frankly no matter how long he waits (and works while he waits) he just never gets the breaks. It's like he's doomed.

Any advice? Because he is distraught tonight. It's not just missing out on this one thing which is happening tomorrow. It's years and years of always missing out, never getting the break, seeing others zoom ahead, get selected etc.... He's learning hard work and persistence don't pay off. Hoping and wishing are pointless and that he is just the world's unluckiest person. And I don't know how to counter that.

Help!

agree with who you know 100 per cent. Some parents\guardians place themselves on committees or boards to connect\network and be in FIRST before the news gets out.

thank you. I just hope his luck changes soon...

OP, this might sound woo and mad but I think you’re focusing on him being an unlucky person and now he believes he’s an unlucky person. You should reframe this all and work on focusing on the good things.

Also, successful people aren’t lucky, they fail more times than the rest even try.

This made me really sad OP I feel for your son and hope he gets his lucky break soon!

Oh bless him. Definitely Defintely keep him off tomorrow. Plan an epic day: swimming with slides, cinema with lots of treats and popcorn, indoor ski lessons etc. anything he really loves?

When DS hasn’t felt cared for or respected in school I take him out and give him an epic day to remind him how much we love him and how wonderful he is

I agree I don't want him to internalise the message he's unlucky. I try not to use that phrase with him. But truth is - he is extremely unlucky and he's started to notice it himself - hard not to. How would you approach this because I genuinely am struggling what to say?

I've tried all the "It is all about the journey, the enjoyment of the sport, getting better. Being better than you were a year ago. The cameraderie. The adventures. The fun. The growth. Dealing with adversity" - but when you never get the breaks and are constantly missing out, that all becomes crap really. 'better than you were a year ago' only applies if it's true. 'all about the journey' is fine for a bit, but you do want to at east see the destination or feel you won't fall in every fucking hole.on the way.

I see your points and honestly for the first 5/6 years I was totally on your wavelength - 'this will make you stronger', 'you are so resilient', 'keep trying', 'you'll get your break soon', etc.. but there comes.a point when you just think, yeah. This is shit. I mean you couldn't make it up - if anyone is going to be ill and miss the class event if the year, it'll b DS. If someone will be the only kid not to take home.the class pet or whatever - it would.be him. This is genuinely happening. He is this unlucky (odds in the world are.someone will be. And it's my son. And I honestly can't take seeing it anymore. He needs a break!)

I mean, he really is unlucky. Very very very unlucky. I don't say that to him but what can I say? Ive run out of positive messages.

Help

Thank you

O op I do feel for you, it’s happened to my 12 almost 13yo DD, she’s become so disillusioned with everything and dosnt want to try anymore, it so hard. My dd was fantastic at sports but then when winning races teachers didn’t care, weren’t taking notice and gave our 1st places to others, it became so obvious I because that sports day parent and royalily kicked off.

Due to health issues missed a lot of year 7 in high school but as getting better DD started trying out for teams again and even though she was better than the others the teachers wouldn’t risk giving her a place in case she got unwell. It was a real kicker when kids who had no sports talent at all were given positions because they were tall. This was another kicker for my dd, she’s very short, all her friends are tall, it dosnt matter that she’s fast and beats everyone she goes up against, even boys she always ends up missing out.

I just keep reassuring her, her time will come, yes life’s shit and some people seem to glide through life and some of us have to fight harder for what we get. I don’t push but do encourage her to try new things. Right now she’s not interested in anything which is very different to the child she once was. We’ve told her we are happy for her to take a break but don’t want her to give up, we are offering to support her in anything she wants to do, she just needs to find something she likes again.

When will his luck change? Tomorrow.
Tomorrow he is being loved & treated & made to feel spec with a big of 'fuck em' attitude that you can both feel mischievous about.
Tomorrow is your day. Make it an annual event. Have a mum & son escape day.
You're both lucky.

I totally see what you are saying.. and I'm very keen to avoid him.believing he's unlucky and internalising this.and learning unhelpful messages. But I just don't know what to say anymore. I honestly don't.

What do I say when he misses out? What will help him? Like with tonight's disappointment, what do I say? When he missed his tournament on the weekend, what do I say?

I just have nothing left except 'yeah, it's shit. I'm sorry. I love you'. I wish I could say something more positive and helpful but he doesn't buy it anymore...

@SoFull Pls for the love of God stop calling your son 'unlucky', he will carry it like badge everywhere he goes if you dont stop. I know he's been disappointed a lot but pls be mindful of the language you're using to describe him. It's all so horribly negative and kids feed on our words more than you'd imagine. Stop saying things like 'Your luck will change", as if there's some awful omen following him about. Just say, 'Shame or sorry that didn't work out, or I'll see what else you can do", or "Never mind, there'll be other chances".

The sport for instance, if he's dinky like mine were, I'd try and find something that plays to his strengths because team sport rarely plays well to small statured lads. My ds's friends dwarf him, but he's brilliant at playing instruments, we don't bother fighting for medals in sport, he just enjoys participating.

Thanks by the way, to all the posters on this thread! There's been some really lovely supportive mesaages. I appreciate that, thanks!

The narrative you are feeding your DS about always being unlucky and how things never work out for him is harmful and needs to stop. He'll be on his way to being a glass half-full woe-is me man, if you are not careful

I agree with @MySweetGeorgina here. You keep saying about how he is so unlucky. I don’t think that’s helpful tbh. I never use the word lucky or unlucky as I don’t really buy it tbh.

The thing with the activity tomorrow and him being pulled from it last minute is very very poor and I agree with others that you should take this up with the organisers, make it clear how disappointed your son is (as anyone would be) and ask them to prioritise him for the next time (if that’s possible – sorry it’s not clear what kind of activity it is which is fair enough obvs). But that’s not about your “unlucky” son. I think rather it’s a cock-up by the organisers who ought to do better and be told. And I would deffo say do that.

The other examples tho – he gets silver, bronze or fourth not the gold. That’s not unlucky. He just wasn’t as good, didn’t train as hard, didn’t have the physique the others had, whatever the reason. Sorry to be harsh – I don’t mean to be as silver and bronze and fourth is great really. Better than all those people on the sofa. The school trip in year 7 – he is now in year 8 or even 9 if he is 13? DS2 missed out on a great school trip bc of Covid, Unlucky? no not really, global pandemic. That’s how it goes. Nothing he did.

If someone isn’t picked for the footy team – they are not as good as those who are. Train harder, find a squad with multiple teams, take up a different sport? DS2 didn’t get picked for the footy team at his very sporty uni. He was gutted. He wasn’t ‘unlucky’ tho – they just had better players that they picked. No conspiracy. He took up a different sport and has done really well at it. I really don’t think the lucky/unlucky narrative helps anyone.

I would definitely try to scratch the narrative about luck. I think the words you put above are perfect, you can’t fix his disappointment, and if you try too hard and go on and on about it it just makes it into a bigger deal than it has to be. Just have fun bunking off together tomorrow.

I agree that even if you privately have developed this “bad luck” theory it is now quite toxic and on the way to being a self fulfilling prophecy.

You also keep insisting that his bad luck incidents never happen to anyone else—you don’t know that and its not true. Someone is always missing by a point, getting in fourth, or missing a trip because they are sick. This happens to everyone at some point.

You are—for natural reasons—forming a pattern where none exists. If he is small for his age figure out other things he can work on or excel at. More independent, individual things.

My brother had a tough few years when he had been leader of the pack then all his friends outgrew him. It was difficult but he regained his top dog status by being a tough little bastard. Height and weight are not important. Its grit and drive that win in the end.

Also and I think it makes s difference here we say “good things come to those that wait.” there isn’t any best in the world. Not only one best experience or person.

Sorry, I should probably clarify - I don't use words like unlucky to him! I don't go on and on about it. I'm jus using those words here and talking about it here because I'm stressed by it all and no longer no what to say to him.

It's hard to describe to a parent that's not experienced this. I haven't experienced it with my other one. But he does seem to just be unlucky (I don't say that to him). He really does. He always misses out and I'm not exaggerating:)!

I've tried all the "It is all about the journey, the enjoyment of the sport, getting better. Being better than you were a year ago. The cameraderie. The adventures. The fun. The growth. Dealing with adversity" - but when you never get the breaks and are constantly missing out, that all becomes crap really. 'better than you were a year ago' only applies if it's true.

Sorry OP x posted with this from you. So is he not getting better at his sport? Why not? Ask the coaches what he can do. Or is it that it’s not the sport for him?
Is he really not getting any breaks? What breaks do you expect him to get? I know all too well that lots of 10yo kids want to be Killian Mbappe or Keely Hodgkinson and think it’s a real possibility for them. But in fact of course the vast majority of them won’t even get near that. And that’s fine. It’s not bc they are unlucky. It’s bc someone else worked harder, trained more, was more committed, was naturally more talented, taller, stronger.

If he is not the best at sport, what is he good at? Music? Coding? YouTube videos? A specific school subject? Putting things together? Focus on his strengths and help him to do so too.

You are—for natural reasons—forming a pattern where none exists

I mean this kindly but you are just assuming none exists. You r not living in our world or with us on a daily basis. It is possible that someone could really miss out an unusually large amount. It's not my imagination and I'm.not forming a pattern where none exists. It's a reality, very sadly, and I wish it wasn't. But I understand you may not believe that (I wouldn't if it wasn't happening to us)

Op this sounds quite like my ds. Got to the stage he wasn’t really interested in anything as thought it wouldn’t go his way.

he was a homely kid but after the lockdown (he 14) and went back to school he finally realised he’s an only child and made the effort to be more sociable - that’s what helped him and it was random. Then he did much better in his GCSEs than predicted and that helped lots.

our kids need some sort of spark. Hope your ds gets his.

Sorry form your DS. Hope things change for him soon 💛

Your despondency really seems to be getting in the way of your parenting

the event he was dropped from - I would do/say something along the lines of, validate, offer empathy and make clear the way he was treated is not ok and that you have his back - you will make a complaint etc

missing the event at weekend due to illness - again empathy etc and then be clear this is just part of life, he’s missed out this time but there will be other times he can take part. Ie it’s not him it’s not his luck, this is life for everyone (even if our perception is that others are lucky all the time - that’s our bias - and you need to teach him to 1) process the feelings to then 2) see things rationally (not “I’m unlucky”)

I understand these things happen frequently but your responses so far suggest that you could make tweaks like mentioned above, and hopefully that helps

Thanks. With tonight's incident I think.you r right with showing him I have his back etc..

With.missing.the.tournament - empathy etc and then be clear this is just part of life, he’s missed out this time but there will be other times he can take part I think you might be missing the point that this is the kind of response I've been giving for the last few years..it's waring thin to say 'there will be other times'.

I'm not sure you really believe that this happens ALL the time. There is only.so many times you can offer empathy and say 'theres always next time..'

Nevermind! I know this is unusual and.i dont.expect everyone to really get it. I wouldn't believe it either if it wasn't happening to ds.

I would work with him on something he can succeed in without these knock backs. Something less competitive than sport. Maybe there’s a subject he likes at school you could take an interest in with him. My quiet dc, who was overlooked rather a lot, had great success academically in the end. We gave a lot of support to that end, largely because we wanted to boost her self worth. It’s so upsetting to watch them being disappointed. I think I would actually contact those organisers and explain the impact it had.

help Him find one thing he can really shine at.
, like bring the scout group/primary school football group teen helper. Reward engagement, commitment and effort rather than achievement.

It sounds like you could have helped with this in the past tbh. Why didn’t you speak to the coaches/teachers/people running the groups and activities when he was constantly being overlooked or missed out or ignored or not getting his turn etc? There are lots of children with just not a lot of rizz who will be easily overlooked by a hassled volunteer running a scout group or whatever. Remind them about your kid! Go to bat for him, if you think he’s missing out or not getting picked when he should be then why were you not politely reminding the adults in charge that it was his turn?
It all sounds very passive and indeed you still sound passive. This is not an omen or a hex on him. Other than illness and similar, we make our own luck.
I might also remind him that he’s been born healthy into one of the most affluent
and peaceful democracies that’s ever existed, into a loving and supportive family, at a time when life has never been longer or easier, and as such he’s one of the luckiest people that’s ever been born. Get some perspective here. He’s 13 and he’s missed some sports tournaments. Upsetting for him but zoom out a bit.