Son always misses out

[SoFull]

Just after some advice for my son who is extremely unlucky.

He used to be in a competitive sport and always missed out on various opportunities, wins etc.. no matter how hard he tried. Then when he was just getting good, everyone else had growth spurts and he was left behind. I can't tell you how many times I uttered the phrase 'best things come to those who wait' and 'just keep trying'.

The pattern has been the same at school - missing out on parts in plays, selection for the football team, the list goes on etc...

It seems that whenever he really really wants something, even if he practices more than everyone else or wants it the most, he always misses out

Yesterday he was offered an incredible opportunity for something tomorrow. All v last minute. I have never seen him so happy. We applied to school for the day off so he could go to this thing, and he's been excited all day. Then tonight he was told that actually, here aren't enough places and the others selected can go, but he'll have to wait for another time

It might sound like I'm being precious, but I have another child and this just doesn't happen to my other son. He misses out on the odd thing here and there but he also gets breaks. My oldest however, just NEVER gets the breaks and always misses out. I just don't know what to say anymore. He is so so unlucky. He just gets annoyed now when I say 'bets things come to those that wait" because quite frankly no matter how long he waits (and works while he waits) he just never gets the breaks. It's like he's doomed.

Any advice? Because he is distraught tonight. It's not just missing out on this one thing which is happening tomorrow. It's years and years of always missing out, never getting the break, seeing others zoom ahead, get selected etc.... He's learning hard work and persistence don't pay off. Hoping and wishing are pointless and that he is just the world's unluckiest person. And I don't know how to counter that.

Help!

Being dropped last minute isn't great, but are you sure you're not somehow projecting on him or being generally over sensitive for some reason with all this 'poor boy' sort of language? There are often reasons people don't get moved up in squads - DS didn't get moved up one time, when a lot of others did, simply due to his age, despite being technically much better, faster etc. It was the right decision at the time.
A bit of TLC after this 'dropping', if it really played put as you wrote it, but also realising it's part life to not always be chosen for things!

Children don't need to be doing competitive activities. He can walk on the hills, take photos of sunsets, watch birds, go rowing on a lake, read books, help at the drama club backstage, paint, garden, sew - where the enjoyment is doing the activity not winning. Try him with these.

Is this sport rugby by any chance?

If so, I can relate a bit as my DS was slower to hit puberty than his peers and was therefore smaller and weaker than they were, and no matter how hard he tried he was always going to be easy to be tackled, and his legs were shorter so he couldn't run as fast - and so was obviously not as good a player as some of the others.

If this is the case, I'd advise you to join a smaller club, where the kids ALL get to play, they all get to participate in tournaments, and the whole thing is more fun and less competitive.

You can't do anything about how big he is, but you can change some of the factors that are stopping him enjoying it...because although it's lovely to win, team sports at his age should honestly be about having a great time and being part of the team.

Wishing your DS all the best!

Please do provide us with links to this 'evidence'
Sounds fascinating and would put an end to many an argument.

So would I. When they have to leave someone out, they'll choose the ones whose parents won't make any fuss. It's not all about the child.

Sorry you're getting this shit thrown at you @SoFull . Unnecessary and shows they don't understand just how shitty this is for your boy and you.
I'm afraid I don't have any helpful hints, except perhaps research some sucessful people who've made it despite setbacks and discuss the strategies they used. Or perhaps find a sympaathetic teacher that can help boost his confidence

For those who say there's no such thing as luck. Maybe there isn't in concrete terms, it is a concept after all, but it's something that is in the human psyche, and most of us sign up to it to a lesser or greater degree. I defy any of you to say you've never wished anyone good luck, or crossed your fingers. No need for your blame-heaping, the OP has stated that she doesn't use the term to her boy.

Bless him, I can totally understand where you are coming from!

we tried jujitzu for my son, the kids didn’t know it but they got an award after attending every 6 sessions but it was made out it was because of the progress they made, maybe something like this may give him a boost?

I'm afraid I agree with this.
He's lucky to be born into a loving family.
He's lucky to be born in a peaceful country.
He's lucky to have food and shelter every day.
His hard work has bought him some success and will bring him more in the future.
He's had a few unfortunate illnesses but I'm sure there are many things he hasn't missed out on too. Concentrate on them.

And absolutely try to manufacture some more successes for him.

I came to say the same thing. This comment from you @SoFull really stood out to me:

I can't tell you how many times I uttered the phrase 'best things come to those who wait' and 'just keep trying'.

This just isn’t a true statement of life. You can set up children for future failure if you keep trotting out this message to them.

Some kids just never get picked for a lead role in a play, never are good enough to make a school sports team…….. and that’s fine.

I have three lovely children who enjoy lots of extra curricular activities/drama/sports, they enter competitions for fun and for the experience. I always tell them that it’s a great experience to take part in, to enjoy it and to do their best. None of the three have ever won anything or really excelled at anything…… and that’s absolutely fine. Because we focus on the fun they had taking part, and how lucky they were to have the experience. Whenever they get a backing dancer role in the show we tell them how proud we are of them, and how confident they must be to get up on the stage and take part.

If you focus on the woe-is-me narrative, oh aren’t you always so unlucky etc…..you will create a child who always feels like a failure.

However if you constantly give your child the positive message - wow aren’t you so lucky that you got to take part in the competition, I’m so proud of you for all that hard work you put in, didn’t you do so well to get that far, also that guy who won was amazing wasn’t he, good for him…… then you create confidence and enjoyment in a child.

Feeling your pain OP. No more sound advice than everyone else has given but if you haven't seen it, the comedy series "The Middle" is an entertaining watch and the daughter , around 13 is the one who always misses out despite giving it her all. My DD, when watching it, said " That's me; I'm Sue Heck" having had a string of drama and choir rejections at her oh so selective secondary school.

By brother did actually grow till he was 16 and a lot of my males friend similar. Males just seem to shoot up out of nowhere.

My brother had a spell where he lost his place on his footie team as they limited to players and due to how late they did it. He played on a team which I would refer to as the rejects of all the other footie teams but it boosted his confidence as the team was more about up lifting people. Then at 15/16 when a lot are over football he ended up on the best team. He was also slightly chunky due to lack of growth so alot of people wrote him off.

In his 20’s now and a fitness obsessed trying to be a fitness influencer

You need some of your sons resilience.

Today's trip was a cock up. Validate how he's feeling. Send him to school. Move on.

What is his sport? My DC swim. In their squad there is someone faster. DD usually gets bronze. A new child has joined so now fighting for 4th. Other people are bigger faster stronger. It's ability. Not luck.

Class pets - there's probably 30 kids. It's mathematical odd, not luck.

Illness is just that. If it's always before a sports tournament could it be anxiety and excuses?

Life can be tough. Parenting can be tough. Look for when it has gone right and focus on the positives. You need to reframe your thinking.

I think the op is well aware of exactly that and your post is very unfair. She's not just talking about him getting silver or bronze but missing out completely, not getting picked, illness at just the wrong point etc My son was similar and I'm afraid at 16 has now pretty much given up on lots of things. It was always him that just missed out because they'd run out of turns, or the equipment he was given was the crappy one or some random thing that could have happened to anyone but always happened to him. He got one prize through the whole of primary school, just one. But they couldn't find that particular trophy so he never got it. That sort of thing. It's awful.

I could have written this about my ds. It’s so so hard as a parent to watch your child going through this. Many a missed opportunity at school because the louder, more confident children got picked for things.
I would honestly look at him joining something like Air Cadets or one of the other groups. It has been fantastic for my ds and really built his confidence, and now at the age of 20 (and still heavily involved) has built him a whole network of friends where he is known for what he is - a kind, funny, hard working young man. Even when life is still throwing curveballs, he can rely upon his network and he’s out nearly every weekend running activities. (Sorry - am not meaning this as a promotional item, but wanted to emphasise how much it helps young people).
His time will come - it just may not be for a little while yet.

Oh that's horrible for your son - offering and withdrawing like that is terrible - I think I'd be getting out my sharp elbows, and if not, doing something with him myself.

I say this as the parent of a seemingly similar child. Even as far back as playschool, somehow he always got missed - I had to actually go in and ask for the class bear because I saw that other kids were getting it for the second time, and he'd not had it once - they'd just missed him off the list somehow (this actually has happened more than once, in more than one setting, to the extent that we made a joke of it so he didn't feel bad). He's always just out of the top, he's never won a raffle or draw in his life, and it contrasts poorly with his little brother who apparently got all the luck his big brother didn't (I can't count the number of easter eggs/sweets he's won in the end of term raffles the school has).

It even extends to other bits of his life - I remember going on holiday, and his little brother had the window seat on the way out, him on the way back - except on the way back, we had the only row with no window! Or when they had some kind of collectable game, and he got multiple packets with missing special cards, but his brother got a golden one (super-rare).

And it's sad, because he's lovely, a genuinely good, friendly, happy to do anything for you kid, who does well academically (top 10, unless of course there's something for the top 10, then he'll probably be 11th in that test)

Like I say, we just make a joke of it now, and I try and make up for whatever it is at home.

The event he got dropped from today aside, the rest of what you have said about him missing out on things/not being quite good enough sound quite normal to me - and I bet the majority of his peer group are in the same position. It sounds like you are he have been comparing him to a group of people who are just more physically developed and better at the sport than him rather than comparing him to more average people of his age group.

I do think the message of ‘hang in there, your time will come’ is not helping as for the majority of people in sport their time doesn’t come as they are just lacking the edge. Doesn’t mean
they are not good - didn’t you say your son won bronze? But just that others are exceptional.

The narrative you are feeding your DS about always being unlucky and how things never work out for him is harmful and needs to stop. He'll be on his way to being a glass half-full woe-is me man, if you are not careful

This. He sounds like he just isn't going to make the cut in that sport (most people don't make the cut in sport!!). You need to reframe your conversations with him about it and get him happy to enjoy doing the sport for fun, without it all being about whether he wins or get picked.

Most people will have to go through life never winning and getting picked etc. Its not the end of the world.

A huge amount of what you have posted is just life, Op. And you need to stop the narrative about your ds being unlucky.

The latest situation is rubbish though. I would definitely complain and ask for how your ds will be included in any further opportunities.

You haven't been back, OP. And I am on the opposite side of the world so god knows what the time is there but .... I am a teacher of 45 years. Take the day off together tomorrow. Another's day absence is nothing in comparison to a day sharing your love for your son.

I would have done something about this years ago.
You sit back passively and say he's 'unlucky' - when he was in primary school why didn't you keep a careful list when it became clear he was 'ooops' getting forgotten for lots of those small rewards/privileges/selections kids care about, and by about yr5 head in to school and kick off mightily?!

Also something doesn't add up - you talk about him never getting picked then also talk about him for eg getting second/third/4th when he could have won. If he's attending tournaments and competitions then is a long way from 'never getting picked'. Some children will never be chosen for a sport team, or go to a competition, because they don't have the capability - from what you say your son has competed and come 2nd/3rd, why is that unlucky, that should be celebrated as a fantastic outcome and evidence of the hard work paying off, why does only the win count for you?

OP stated that he'd got silver a d bronze

Your son is winning the lottery in life. He lives in a developed country many people are risking their lives trying to move to. He has at least one parent who clearly adores him. Money for extra curriculars.

Try to reframe it. The kids who peak early often struggle in later life. A lot of people have talent and only a few get those lucky breaks. I was a child/teenage actor who did a lot of auditions and got a hell of a lot of no’s. It made me really resilient as an adult and I just have a go at anything, apply for the job I’m a bit under qualified for or whatever because a no doesn’t phase me. And it has worked out.

I do agree that there are golden children that have everything fall into their lap but I don’t think it always translates well into adulthood as those kids can’t always handle failure when it comes.

Yesterday he was offered an incredible opportunity for something tomorrow. All v last minute. I have never seen him so happy. We applied to school for the day off so he could go to this thing, and he's been excited all day. Then tonight he was told that actually, here aren't enough places and the others selected can go, but he'll have to wait for another time

what was this op?
because I simply can’t get my head around an organisation doing this to a young teen

I wouldn’t want my child to do whatever this is anyway. The organisation itself sounds like an utter shit show.

You are perceiving him as unlucky because you are looking in every situation at who did better.

Some of the bad luck is manufactured by you! Most DC would never have been entered for the sports competition in the first place so wouldn't "be unlucky" and not win. You are fussing that he's second or third - what about the DC who came last?

If you push a child to compete in sport they aren't the best at you have to get used to them never winning. You could end that bad luck streak immediately by simply not competing like millions of others.

Hard work is not enough if you do not have the talent/ability required to win.