Son always misses out

[SoFull]

Just after some advice for my son who is extremely unlucky.

He used to be in a competitive sport and always missed out on various opportunities, wins etc.. no matter how hard he tried. Then when he was just getting good, everyone else had growth spurts and he was left behind. I can't tell you how many times I uttered the phrase 'best things come to those who wait' and 'just keep trying'.

The pattern has been the same at school - missing out on parts in plays, selection for the football team, the list goes on etc...

It seems that whenever he really really wants something, even if he practices more than everyone else or wants it the most, he always misses out

Yesterday he was offered an incredible opportunity for something tomorrow. All v last minute. I have never seen him so happy. We applied to school for the day off so he could go to this thing, and he's been excited all day. Then tonight he was told that actually, here aren't enough places and the others selected can go, but he'll have to wait for another time

It might sound like I'm being precious, but I have another child and this just doesn't happen to my other son. He misses out on the odd thing here and there but he also gets breaks. My oldest however, just NEVER gets the breaks and always misses out. I just don't know what to say anymore. He is so so unlucky. He just gets annoyed now when I say 'bets things come to those that wait" because quite frankly no matter how long he waits (and works while he waits) he just never gets the breaks. It's like he's doomed.

Any advice? Because he is distraught tonight. It's not just missing out on this one thing which is happening tomorrow. It's years and years of always missing out, never getting the break, seeing others zoom ahead, get selected etc.... He's learning hard work and persistence don't pay off. Hoping and wishing are pointless and that he is just the world's unluckiest person. And I don't know how to counter that.

Help!

I would have called the organisers and told them how shit they were.

Hopefully your boy will get his share of the kick very soon.

In fact, I'm from a race of people who are known to offer good luck charms etc and I'd like to offer him one right now. From this day on he will find his luck has changed and the sun will be shining on his good fortune 🌟

Luck. Not kick!

It's a real shame that you aren't listening at all and are determined to stick to this narrative that your normal child is the unluckiest boy in the world. You're doing, and will continue to do, so much damage.

Try a spell, if you're both open to it. You never know.

Agreed

The OP is trying to convince herself it is a question of poor luck when quite patently the boy simply is not good enough and that is likely because he’s done very little due to ill health for the last two school years.

He's only 13!!! It's like you've labeled him already

You don’t even know if the bad luck/rejection from trip hasn’t happened to other students last night! You don’t know for sure—and its not likely—that other kids weren’t made the same offer and had it rescinded or were sick for a special trip.

The problem you are having is called the Texas sharpshooter problem in statistical reasoning. Its not helpful.

OPi get your kid has missed out on some things and hasn’t been chosen for others but honestly and kindly that’s life. Sometimes it doesn’t go your way. I think you are doing a real disservice to both yourself and him by thinking he’s unlucky and ‘that’s shit”. You say you don’t know what to say to him? Say what we all do - yeah that sucks (sorry won’t swear to my 13 year old) and I know you worked hard or wanted to be chosen but it wasn’t meant to be. Maybe next time buddy. What do you want to do now?

If he isn’t being chosen for a team or a play etc it isn’t luck or lack of hard work - sometimes it’s about ability. There are some kids no matter how hard they try won’t be good at things. He isn’t unlucky and he certainly isn’t the one kid who gets sick in special days or class trips.

I feel like you want to see a pattern and see the negative instead of understanding he just hasn’t found his thing yet. Whether you directly say this or not your time and body language will speak volumes. Even top athletes, actors etc will all say they had ups and downs and got knocked down often. It’s about helping your kid to get back up. Please do this instead of focusing on how he is unlucky which makes it seem like you think somehow it’s unfair.

Given that he has been really sick for two crucial years I think there is a bit of a tragic mismatch between what he has been trying to achieve—staying up with his original cohort in a highly physical, technically graded skill, and his physical situation which is one that I greatly sympathize with and empathize with.

I am in recovery right now for thiracic surgery. I have been joking that my career as a ballroom dancer or top soprano has been derailed. Actually I am a rather sedentary 65 year old alto. But while I am struggling to return to functionality I am not planning to compete with others even in things I was formerly good at. I sm taking up new things—languages, the game of go, practing my steps and breathing.

Your son should be really proud if his hard work and diligence at trying to keep current with his spirt. Being held back doesn’t have to be seen as a punishment—he is now the old head on a younger team. The one with institutional knowledge. If he wants to stay in the sport I think you might encourage him to aim at coaching or strategy as a goal. This will play to his intellectual strengths and his experience.

My point here is that your son has had a rotten time and has had to contend with the twilight space society assigns to the ill or the ugly or the old. That is true for everyone in the covid and post covid world. Life is difficult and unfair. But your son has a desire to succeed. That is his strength. That is his fortune and his forte.

As my favorite chinese drama “the story if ming lan” puts it “at your very birth you met a violent robber who came to harm you. That is the way of the world! That is good! You also met your mother snd father who will protect you, that is also good. You have survived! That is very good.!”

I get this. DC1 is the child for whom several things have happened to work in her favour; DC2 always seems to have the opposite. Middle ability in the football club along with half a dozen others, they split into two teams and he's in the B team; then the same thing happens in cricket. In his case, in both instances it's rubbed in his face as his better friends are all in the A team. School trips pull names out of a hat if they're over subscribed & his name never gets pulled out. He's even had a friend offering to give DS his place as the friend sees how unfair it's worked out over the past few years but the school says it can't make exceptions. It's one thing if it's an evening trip to the theatre or something as we might get takeaway or something as a treat (after all, we're saving the money on the ticket!) but, if it's a matinee, and DS is stuck in a maths lesson or similar pretty much by himself then it's tough. He no longer wants to even have his name put in the hat as that way he avoids the disappointment. Yes, I've made a fuss to the school but they say everyone has an equal chance of getting their name pulled out and so they won't make exceptions - which I do understand.
I made a massive fuss of him the other day as he did get to do something at school until he pointed out it was on a rota done alphabetically, he's slap bang in the middle of the register and the teacher got to the person before him before deciding it was unfair that they always started with the A's and so flipped it so they went to the Z's and worked backwards meaning DS was the last to get a turn!
What's even more frustrating is that both his current school and his primary did things to encourage those who aren't good at mainstream sports but DS isn't bad enough to qualify for those.
When he was reception, he did some in school gymnastics competition thing and, as he was the only person to not put their foot down during a particular thing, he got a special certificate and a gold coin. 8 years later and we are still bigging that up!

Ah, your reading skills are as good here as on the other thread! This is a deliberately goady post and OP should ignore it.

This is poor boy isn’t good enough.l because he hasn’t been able to train for best part of 2 years?

heavens!

Is your son The only one sat in maths?

I agree with the poster who said to some extent you make your own luck.

Yes it sounds like he's had a run of bad luck and that sucks. Those event organizers need a rocket up them.

But not everyone can be top in things or get a spot on the team. What if anything is he doing to change his luck?

For example drop that sport and try a different one that he might be better at; approach the drama teacher and say he would really like to get a spot in the next play and is there anything he can work on or practice to improve his chances.

It's a pity he has missed out on things due to illness but that happens to other people too. Loads of bad luck to go around, it's not just him! My friend's 14 year old son had a rare childhood cancer when he was 11 and will now be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. He stays smiling and throws himself into activities that work with his physical restrictions. It's amazing.

Yes it's hard to stay strong in adversity but if you can do it, the main person who benefits is yourself.

"I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo.
"So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.
J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring (The Lord of the Rings, #1)

Is he quite young in the school year?

There have been studies showing what month you should be born in to have the best chance at excelling at a certain sport etc It's weird but fascinating! I just looked it up and it's called Relative Age Effect.

I hope things improve for him once he properly hits puberty and all the growing that goes with it. But also, remind him he doesn't want to peak too early! He's just saving the best for a bit later on in life when it actually means a bit more ;)

@roselilylavender

That alphabetical thing has happened to me more than once. I’m an L surname so I always come last whenever they switch the alphabetical order. Then after this had happened two years running they switched to random and I came last again! You have to laugh, I guess. 🙃

He's not 'always' missing out. Your posts refer to him having opportunities that he's then ill for or can't make, so he's getting the chances. Show him you are resilient and help him to be resilient, saying 'always' missing out is creating that mindset. Neither of you can help that he hit puberty later and perhaps there were rose tinted glasses whilst he was on primary school in terms of his athletic ability.
Hell find his thing, but it'll be easier if he can roll with the punches rather than have you fostering the negative mindset.

Please don’t tell him he’s unlucky or make too big a deal if it all. Take him out for a special treat and hope things change for the better.

The Mon competitive, all inclusive, everybody gets a turn, is fine in primary school but by secondary school the best players wouldn't want to play in a team that always loses because they don't pick the best players. I agree there are teams of different standards so everyone can join a team at their own level. How would you feel if your child played cricket to county level, won the county series for aquathlon, swam for his town and was good at all sports including representing his school for cross country, swimming and cricket and when the achievement awards night comes we were invited which indicates your child will be given an award. DS was given a 100 percent attendance award and an award to or being an outstanding role model. Neither of which he cared about. He had to watch a child who wins nothing, doesn't play for any of the school sports teams and according to my DS is crap at sport win the outstanding sports player of the year award, his achievements read out were he helped the teacher tidy up after PE lessons. My DS got up and walked out dumping his 2 awards in the bin on his way out. 2 weeks later the Head of PE picked him to represent the school in a big cross country competition and my DS said no, ask the outstanding sports player of the year to represent the school. This teacher rang home to ask us to encourage DS to do the cross country. We said it was entirely up to DS but he was upset they chose a person who was really poor at sport to win the outstanding sports person award and we were told DS couldn't win it because he had already won 2 awards and their was a cap of 2. We said so if he'd missed a few days off school and didn't have 100 percent attendance he could have won the sports award. DS was so angry the teacher rang us at home he resigned from all the school teams and he was captain of the cricket team. He told the PE department to play the outstanding player. It was stated in the programme the Sports award was for achievement not for effort. Another student won the Sports award for effort.

I agree they shouldn't have offered him a space unless they absolutely knew there were enough spaces. You said he was picked last week to play in a tournament but was ill so couldn't play. He was ill again and missed the school trip. So he is being included but is often ill. Can you sign him up to sports clubs outside of school?

I agree and i would email or better still ring them and speak to the organiser/boss.it’s not fair on your son at all bless him.his day will come xx

@SoFull I could have wrote this myself about my eldest DS. He tried his hardest but never quite made it or stood out while his younger sibling was team captain, regular man of the match etc. My heart would break for him. Fast forward and he’s now working for one of the big 4 and he’s regularly recognised for his talents. He’s just been unanimously voted to be the upcoming seasons team captain for his sports team. Your son’s time will come and you will be his biggest cheerleader.

Reading between the lines it sounds like he is ill an awful lot of the time, could this mean when he misses things due to ill health he sort of goes out of peoples heads so when they’re arranging things or they’re worried he will be ill and let them down ??

• It really, really doesn't sound like he is particularly "unlucky." So far we've had: • He got ill just before a school trip. • There was a cock up and he won't get to do something special tomorrow. • He hasn't been selected for the football team. • He hasn't got parts in plays. • He's shorter than his peers or had growth spurts later than them. Those are all completely normal things to happen. Completely normal for all of them to happen to the same child. More than once*

This. I don't think this unlucky/missing out/youll get your break narrative is helpful at all. All kids get sick and miss things. Most kids don't get parts in plays or get selected for competitive sports.

These are all totally normal things for most people. He sounds like an average child, as most are. Most kids aren't the star, the winner, or getting big breaks.

Just let him be an average kid. Stop telling him to wait for his time.