Son always misses out

[SoFull]

Just after some advice for my son who is extremely unlucky.

He used to be in a competitive sport and always missed out on various opportunities, wins etc.. no matter how hard he tried. Then when he was just getting good, everyone else had growth spurts and he was left behind. I can't tell you how many times I uttered the phrase 'best things come to those who wait' and 'just keep trying'.

The pattern has been the same at school - missing out on parts in plays, selection for the football team, the list goes on etc...

It seems that whenever he really really wants something, even if he practices more than everyone else or wants it the most, he always misses out

Yesterday he was offered an incredible opportunity for something tomorrow. All v last minute. I have never seen him so happy. We applied to school for the day off so he could go to this thing, and he's been excited all day. Then tonight he was told that actually, here aren't enough places and the others selected can go, but he'll have to wait for another time

It might sound like I'm being precious, but I have another child and this just doesn't happen to my other son. He misses out on the odd thing here and there but he also gets breaks. My oldest however, just NEVER gets the breaks and always misses out. I just don't know what to say anymore. He is so so unlucky. He just gets annoyed now when I say 'bets things come to those that wait" because quite frankly no matter how long he waits (and works while he waits) he just never gets the breaks. It's like he's doomed.

Any advice? Because he is distraught tonight. It's not just missing out on this one thing which is happening tomorrow. It's years and years of always missing out, never getting the break, seeing others zoom ahead, get selected etc.... He's learning hard work and persistence don't pay off. Hoping and wishing are pointless and that he is just the world's unluckiest person. And I don't know how to counter that.

Help!

No, not projecting :) My other one hasn't experienced this. Some people do just seem to get the shirt straw and when it's you own child it's tough

I have a DD a bit like this- she's always the one who just misses out on being picked for the A's or cut when the squad size for tournaments is cut (eg if school decides not taking subs for a certain match so squad of 7 rather than 9). Like your DS she is quite short (tracking 5' 4'' adult height) but also late to puberty which hasn't helped so she's position limited which makes her less flexible as part of a squad. She's destined to be "the best of the B team" and this is somewhat replicated in academics- she's bright but not the one that ever wins a year end academic prize - and other school stuff - she's well thought of but not a prefect. There have been a lot of tears and disappointment tbh but I have helped her reframe it a little bit, helped by an older family friend (now 16) who has thoroughly embraced being the "B team hero" or as pp said "jack of all, master of none". I do point out to her that, in general, some of the girls who are picked in the A's above her are not the same ones as are kicking her ass in the maths exam are not the same people as the ones that are prefects- it's just that she's an all rounder and they have more defined strengths and weaknesses.

there is nothing harder than picking up a child after they haven’t won something or been selected. I have the problem at the moment of a child who is always selected for a team but they are on a losing streak despite playing brilliantly. Just always a bit of bad luck and then they have lost a game 1-0. It gets very hard to keep up with the ‘next game it will turn around’. You know it will be resilient but boy do you want a bit of good fortune occasionally!

I was relatively unlucky at school. I was often stuck in the very good at a lot of things but not amazing so often missed out as being 2nd pick in a lot of things. It did affect my confidence and I’ve always had a feeling of being 2nd pick best even now so I absolutely understand where you are coming from.

that said I walked into university and met my future husband on my first day so I always say I was saving all my luck for that moment!

but with regards to the event today. That is absolutely out of order to email that late. You might not even have picked it up. I would be going ballistic at them this morning tbh!

The sports stuff is a bit difficult to explain - it's lots of experiences like - missing the 5th and final event in a series of events due to illness (he was v unwell for a year and under the hospital and flare ups always came at important times of course!) which means although on track for gold, got placed fourth cos missed the last event and couldn't collect the points. Or kids selected by ability and age to go up squad - only 5 places, he's the same ability but youngest so he's the 6th and had to stay behind and go up with next group when all his friends moved up, so he didn't know anyone.in the new group and friends all moving on without him. Coach said he can't make another place available and someone has to stay down. Or he worked really really hard at improving something related to his sport all year, went to the club in his own time, and practiced outside the club to get better etc.. but then got worse compared to peers at the end of year event (so moved from at 3rd to 6th) simply because they had grown and he had not, despite him being the one to have put in shit loads of effort and the peers not...

I know it's hard to believe from the outside but he has just been exceptionally unlucky and I don't know how else to put it. If someone is going to be ill and miss something, it's him. If there a 10 places for something and 11 applicants he'll b the one to miss out. Or so far anyway but there's only so long you can have bad luck for and maybe the tide will turn soon. I know people think it's just how I'm seeing it, or projecting or not seeing the positives or whatever, but truth is he has actually had a run of a few years of being unlucky.

He’s not been exceptionally unlucky in any other way other than your boy has been very ill for a year

Thanks that's a really interesting and validating post

I think I would be saying to him, "what can we MAKE happen that will be good?" So I love the idea of keeping him off for the day and doing something fun. I try to write down the things I'm glad of or grateful for when everything feels a bit rubbish, so this is sort of an extension of that. You could be silly about it: the universe owes you now, so let's get you a good thing in the world.

He was unfortunately ill for a lot of year 6 and 7. He's come through that now but it was difficult at the time because he missed a lot more than other people due to flare ups

I'm saying that on Mumsnet because I'm sad for him. I don't say that to him 🥴

I get that to a certain extent.

But you cant believe your way in to being picked for something which someone else is deciding the outcome of. You can't believe your way to not being ill and missing out on events.

People at the 'lucky' end of life like to utilise this philosophy so they feel they were the masters of their own luck and can be proud of it instead of recognising they just got lucky.

Thank you :)

I don't entirely agree with the idea that you shouldn't say he's unlucky - because that's actually helped my DS, before we started saying it, he thought it was all his fault and got way more disappointed.

And I'm someone who I wouldn't normally say believes in luck - I'd always say that you make your own luck by putting yourself in the way of opportunities.

But this kid, if there's a way for him to miss out, he will - then if the next kid up is his little brother, then the little one will get double what he should. It's happened so often you have to notice, and you have to address it.

My daughter was like this and always missed out at school. There was some favouritism too. She is now at Oxbridge excelling academically and at sport. However, her self-esteem was seriously damaged through school, especially having a friend for whom luck constantly seem to shine on and who had a tendency to gloat.

I am really not sure what you can do. I gave my daughter hugs and positive affirmations all the time at school but she still felt left behind in life. It was hard as she really did try and work as much as possible at everything. I hope her mindset will change one day.

Sorry not to be more helpful. But I understand you.

Can't you reframe things - your younger child seems to be the lucky one rather than your older one being unlucky. The older one just sounds normal to me, with average amounts of illness and average achievements. Although if he is getting bronze/silver etc he sounds above average in some ways. Getting ill at important times sounds more psychosomatic than luck if he is mostly in good health the rest of the time. I read that you said he was ill a lot for a couple of years, but that isn't really down to luck and doesn't explain the other bouts of illness around important times.

I'd be foaming about them cancelling him last minute

As for competitive sports sometimes you have to get them to take a step back. Iv 3 boys and all of them decided to step back. Eldest dc changed teams for football that was more for fun kicks abouts, younger two stopped competing and trained for fun in their sports.

They joined scouts and explorers where everything isn't a competition.

One has got involved on coaching you ger ones in his sport

I have one like this. It’s not bad luck - it’s just that adults never “see” them properly, focusing on others.

I think this can be a huge element of it - a PP mention their DD school acting like academic success was a surpise ignoring all previous signs that was me in my secondary and DS in his.

I used to find it really odd people who knew us - would ask about DDs also quiet - and would seem to forget all about DS.

It's massively change since doing well at GCSE moving to new place college and volteeering - that's massively improved his confidence he seem to get seen now - it's odd but noticable.

I would be wary about messaging - your time will come - it doesn't always it is chance who you know and who sees you. Also be wary about messaging about growth - DH has constant messaging he'd get more height - he didn't - IL tried to do same with DS who also didn't grow tall.

I'd also try and get him into different sport - maybe solo ones rather than group or less competitive ones. My parents with good intention often made me stay in places I wasn't going to get on - including school sixth form.

I did do the make it up to them thing where we could - taking them out focusing on fun - it never feels equivalent but I think helps them have something so they don't feel as left out.

There may be a bit about being slightly tactical on managing expectations and areas of focus.

eg. Don’t promote spending all time honing basket ball skills if high performing is important to him and is likely to be small.
If rowing is his thing, go the lightweights / coxing specialising route not the aiming for first VIII route etc.

If illness flare ups are going to be an ongoing risk, then focus on individual event stuff not series etc.

Not psychosomatic, he was under the hospital, a few issues I don't want to go into which made life hard for him physically, related to kidneys and various other bits and bobs, but not psychological :)

It sounds really bad about him being let down but it seems like he has:
A mum that cares about him. Not all kids have that.
Does he have a dad? Who actually cares and is interested?
Does he have his own bedroom?
Does he have friends?
Can you afford to feed him well and pay for school uniform?
Do you live in an abusive household where either he or you are being abused?

If he has some of the above things and doesn't live in abusive household he is doing better than a lot of kids in the UK unfortunately.

Don't get me wrong, it's still really rubbish and disappointing that he is missing out on things but is he actually disadvantaged compared to lots of 13 year olds? I don't know if he is or he isn't but you will know whether he lives in a happy home or not.

Hopefully he gets selected for the next thing and actually gets to go.

Although I've largely been blessed with good health I see a lot of myself in your son OP. It really grinds you down in a way that is impossible to describe to people who have never experienced it themselves.

I could fill several pages with examples of the crap I've gone through, but reevaluating it as an adult has brought a number of things out which I thought might help.

First, there are sub-categories within the 'bad luck' world he's experiencing: 1) there's random chance; 2) there's margin calls not going his way, and; 3) there's being treated like crap. The first you can't do much about, being ill for example, or being late to puberty and physically smaller. If he can identify something as random chance he needs to learn to let it go. The second - there can be a time and a place to point out that someone else has had the class pet twice and your own child hasn't at all, and often there is an explanation such as being missed off a list, or at the very least any decent person would try and so something. But ultimately margin calls not going your way is part of life.

If he's being treated like crap, and the event/activity today probably falls into this category, then you need to decide how to deal with it in the here and now, but more importantly work out how DS's future self will react to similar situations. We all want to be the bigger person, reapply ourselves and hope for something different in the future, but it can also be extremely satisfying to walk away in a big 'fuck you' - which can be a perfectly valid response, especially if it's timed to cause maximum inconvenience. Your DS is probably getting to the age where decisions like this are going to be made in the spur of the moment, without your guidance, so it's worth thinking about.

All this will help him build resilience, I have no doubt, but that's worthless in the absence of any sense of self-worth.

I quit a middle management public sector job to do an MBA in the hope of advancing my career. Twelve years after graduating with a distinction from a global top-10 Business School I still have no permanent job, and it has been over 100 applications since I even had an acknowledgement. I've given up looking. Instead, I concentrate on the things that have become important instead: being a great parent and husband; making my home warm, welcoming and nourishing; contributing what I can to our community; caring for an elderly relative; and furthering my own knowledge base. These are all things I control and don't depend on external validation, which makes it all the more wonderful when I do receive it.

I get that at 13 it's almost all about external validation and recognition, but if there are things in your DS's life analagous to this which he could pursue then he should.

So it’s really not a surprise that he’s not being picked for things now. Secondary doesn’t adopt the same approach as “everyone gets a go” as primary does.

Not once did you mention how ill he’s been for best past of two school years in your op

and it’s very relevant to why this is happening

This was me! Just when I got to the part where I could do x,y,z, they changed the rules, or the situation changed. All the things my brother and sister got to do and I didn't. Or, I didn't get to do because they hadn't been able to and mum didn't think it was fair that I did. 🤦🏻‍♀️

"My time" never did come.

It settled down after I left Uni, but the last thing like this will be retirement, they just keep changing the goalposts.

I have no idea if you can do anything about it. I know my mum didn't. She just told me to get on with it, no point in whining, just keep trying your best. I'm not suggesting that's what you do, I have no idea if that is the best way. I know I hated it!

There is a positive though. It has made me really resilient to disappointment. To not rely on others to give me opportunities, and seek them out myself. Where I can control outcomes, I knock my pan in to make it happen. Where I can't, I just enjoy the process and if at the end of it there's no "reward" I haven't lost anything. I stopped flogging dead horses, learned when to quit and avoid the sunk cost fallacy. I think it has made me a better person and I succeeded because of it.

It did suck at the time though!

I'm sorry he has been ill and that's affected his sport.

My DD is the same, she had long covid for 2022/23.
Then 2024 for IBS which at the end of 2024 has turned into suspected Endometriosis.

She's not unlucky that she can't train as much or keep up with her peers. She is ill and is likely to remain ill. This affects her mental health and not just her physical health.

Your DS sounds the same.

Other children being picked or being successful doesn't mean your child is unlucky. They were picked, it isn't that your DC was rejected. They were successful probably because they are fit and healthy and your DC hasn't been.

I'm sorry you are struggling with the way things are just now.

This
The “unlucky” bit is getting seriously ill
nothing “unlucky” about not being selected for teams sport because you were too ill to play / train for most of the last two school years op