Son always misses out

[SoFull]

Just after some advice for my son who is extremely unlucky.

He used to be in a competitive sport and always missed out on various opportunities, wins etc.. no matter how hard he tried. Then when he was just getting good, everyone else had growth spurts and he was left behind. I can't tell you how many times I uttered the phrase 'best things come to those who wait' and 'just keep trying'.

The pattern has been the same at school - missing out on parts in plays, selection for the football team, the list goes on etc...

It seems that whenever he really really wants something, even if he practices more than everyone else or wants it the most, he always misses out

Yesterday he was offered an incredible opportunity for something tomorrow. All v last minute. I have never seen him so happy. We applied to school for the day off so he could go to this thing, and he's been excited all day. Then tonight he was told that actually, here aren't enough places and the others selected can go, but he'll have to wait for another time

It might sound like I'm being precious, but I have another child and this just doesn't happen to my other son. He misses out on the odd thing here and there but he also gets breaks. My oldest however, just NEVER gets the breaks and always misses out. I just don't know what to say anymore. He is so so unlucky. He just gets annoyed now when I say 'bets things come to those that wait" because quite frankly no matter how long he waits (and works while he waits) he just never gets the breaks. It's like he's doomed.

Any advice? Because he is distraught tonight. It's not just missing out on this one thing which is happening tomorrow. It's years and years of always missing out, never getting the break, seeing others zoom ahead, get selected etc.... He's learning hard work and persistence don't pay off. Hoping and wishing are pointless and that he is just the world's unluckiest person. And I don't know how to counter that.

Help!

Excellent post.

I know this might sound totally woo woo! But he can ask for things from the universe, help with things, clarify on what decisions to make, to get more good fortune/opportunities come his way. Start with something small, and he might start to notice the hidden opportunities. And start thinking of three things to be grateful for at the start of each day, starting with gratitude can massively change perspective. So even if he doesn’t get more luck, he might just be that less bothered ☺️

Seconded.

My son has recently spent 308 days in hospital due to complications with cancer. He not only got cancer which obviously most children don't get but the complications he got meant he almost died, then had to spend a lengthy period in hospital and now has to learn how to walk again so suddenly finds himself in a wheelchair.

Now that's unlucky.

He'd give anything to be able to come 2nd, 3rd or even last at a sport. Right now he can't play his sport at all and is desperate to get back to it.

OP, your son has his health. He's incredibly lucky.

It’s so hard to watch your child face hurt and disappointment and I’m sure you wish you could feel the hurt for your DS.
so while of course we can count all the good things our kids have, it’s still painful to see them hurting over the disappointments, especially when it seems constant.
Hope things start to improve for your DS and for you too

I can only offer the view that there are many ways of getting to where you want to be and the path is not always straightforward. I’m the parent of three grown up children, including very academically differing twins. There are swings and roundabouts to every situation although sometimes they appear very well hidden.

My daughter was, as a child and teenager, exceptionally good at a fairly niche sport.

As someone with severe physical limitations and a very average family income to try to fund elite level sport, she was very well aware of the advantages others had over her - both financial (lots of rich families funding personal coaches for international travel, being able to participate in as many competitions and training events as they wish regardless of cost, all the best equipment and resources) and personal (being the youngest and smallest by some way in her cohort, and the only one with a physical disability.)

However, she was always also very aware that being a child who enjoyed her sport and whose parents facilitated and enabled her sports participation at a high level, in itself, made her very, very lucky indeed.

Luckier than the vast majority of children whose parents couldn’t afford to take them to sports training and competition at anything above social participation level, or who could afford it but whose other work or family commitments made it impossible.

Luckier than the children whose parents were happy for their children to take up a sport at school or social club but had no interest in putting themselves out to help them take it further, once actual parental commitment was needed.

So she hated losing. But she never, ever felt she was unlucky for not winning.

Your son has parents who put themselves out to help him get the most he can out of his sport. He’s very, very lucky - just because you don’t see all of the children who might have excelled but don’t even get to the stage of participating doesn’t mean he isn’t luckier than them.

if you think things aren’t fair, this may be true. But he’s definitely not unlucky.

That’s really bad that they cancelled last min. I would say you have taken day off school and he is going, end of.
Make sure that you make a massive complaint to them and tell them you expect them to pick him next time as he was so upset.

Absolutely agree he was unlucky to get ill. He’s done amazing if he was in hospital for over a year in and out and now he’s up there with the best of them. He’s lucky he’s now healthy. Isn’t there anything is interested in where you don’t have to come first second or third like a team game? But yeah, like other posters have said you seem to have a theory about luck and it’s not helping even though you say you’re not mentioning it to him it’s coming over.

Sooo he’s not “unlucky”, he has an illness?

You may not say it to him but you clearly feel it. If he’s a smart boy he will be able to see that you actually do agree and he’s the unluckiest person in the world. Your very post perpetuates how “unlucky” he is and I can see where he gets his outlook from. Circumstances and the universe will at times intervene, but there is still a lot to be said for the concept that “a real man makes his own luck”. For example, you chose to post about how unlucky your son is and have doubled down when challenged. A person who makes their own luck might instead have posted asking about ways in which to increase their son’s opportunities. I had 3 miscarriages and the child I eventually had was born with a disability and her birth was so horrific I have had to have 4 corrective surgeries to try and patch me up. I do not feel remotely unlucky about that, instead I feel incredibly blessed that I have my child. Good luck happens when you search for opportunities and silver linings. Bad luck happens when you insist good things never happen to you and you look at your mother and know that deep down she agrees.

Just a hand hold. Things will get better and he will get his chance xx

Does he just have a glass-half-full attitude? Can you imagine someone with a different personality not noticing these setbacks, and instead being happy with other small wins that they do get?

As his parent, you will obviously be so invested that you share his feelings, whatever they are.

OP I do wonder why he and you are both so focussed on him being “the best” at things. Does it matter if he doesn’t win? Most kids don’t win things or make the first team, after all.

I was a fairly average child, I enjoyed lots of different things and was happy to just participate but I never got solos/ main parts/ first team - I was always in the chorus, in the background, on the B team. But it didn’t matter as I was having fun and learning new skills! It hasn’t set me back in life at all - I now have a “successful” job and a lovely husband, family and house.

Unless it’s his goal to be an Olympian or an Oscar-winning actor, why does it matter if he’s not coming first in things or getting main parts? I’m not sure those things make you happier?

It is unlucky to have a serious illness as a child, I’ll give you that, and it sounds like much of the other things come from that? I’ve had a couple of scrapes with my health and as a consequence am very grateful for my overall good health, which makes a huge difference to having an “easier” life. But in general I don’t think not coming first or making the team should really matter and you can definitely help him change his mindset to just enjoying being involved rather than looking for a particular outcome.

It also occurred to me that if he has often had to pull out of things at the last minute due to illness, that itself could be a reason people are cautious of giving him a role where they would be relying on him.

To everyone saying sometimes you've got to be 'that parent'...yeah. Absolutely. Kick off! What have you got to lose? I remember my stepson travelling to all these games and just being left on the bench by all these awful 'coach' type blokes who thought they were the manager of England! They were just kids, they all should've had a go. We let it go. But shouldn't have, I know that now.

Stick up for him. Forcefully. Embarrassing, and hard. But doable. Can you do it?