Do you judge people with loads of kids?

[AureliusS]

I have three primary aged SC, one DS and am pregnant. We look like a genetically related family when we’re together.

None of my friends have more than two children and in my demographic (late 30s, university graduate, higher taxpayer) it seems to be very rare. Certainly nobody I’ve met in baby classes has more than three and even three is rare.

I sometimes feel like people assume we are either on benefits or very rich rather than a regular average family and judge us based on that. AIBU to feel this way?

If you’re self supporting, and not on benefits, then crack on, it’s your life

We get some child benefit for DS.

No judgement for people who can actually afford to look after them!

Not if they support themselves, no. DC are at a catholic independent school and there are a few very large families.

Same as pp, no judgment if it's affordable. I would have had more than two in a heartbeat if time and finances were on my side. Congrats!

I make no judgment. I admire you for coping tbh! As long as you aren't expecting the state to pay for them all, I'm cool. I have one, and that's enough for me.

The mid-30 graduates are the ones that tend to have more kids here… I know a couple of people with 6, a few with 5, and a decent amount with 3 or 4. 2 does seem to be the natural limit for most people, though… mostly because of impact on career after two years off, difficulties with hotels/cars/flights with more than two; etc.

If everyone is happy and well looked after, I wouldn’t judge.

I don't judge people who have loads of kids.

I do judge people who have loads of kids, and who make that fact the cornerstone of their entire personality.

Interesting, I know a few more people with 3 or more kids but I agree it's not as common as 2.

I wouldn't and don't judge. I have to admit I find it frustrating when I see posters on here complaining about things that are caused by having a lot of children. For example: life being busy, not having a huge amount of disposable income, problems with lack of space.

I think the key thing is not to have more children than you have capacity for, mentally, emotionally and financially. I am at capacity with 2 but some will not be until they have 4.

Similarly OP, everyone is my and my partner's friendship group have two as well, I have one and I have one on the way and then we're done. If it helps though, I would absolutely never judge a big family, if anything I'd be more inclined to think, "ah how lovely"! I'd have loved three or four myself but I met my partner quite late and I'll be 39 when my second is born and quite frankly my body can't take another pregnancy 😂 I always used to envisage how lovely it would be though to have loads of grandchildren and children round for bbqs when they were all older just like my nan did!

Never occurred to me to judge people, who want a large family and can comfortably support it.

Lots of well looked after children, absolutely no judgement.

People who have more kids then they can practically, emotionally or financially care for, I do judge a bit.

I have two and know I'm at capacity for what I can manage, so not judging the fact they can't manage, I couldn't either. But when the choice to have more negatively impacts the ones you already have, then I would judge them for making that choice (though appreciate once their here there's not much option, circumstances change, and not everyone was allowed a free choice)

SC mostly live with their mum, and she does claim benefits (DH pays maintenance). But even if they lived with us full-time we’d only be eligible to claim partial child benefit so it’d be in the region of £100 a week.

Perhaps people assume we’re on a lot of benefits as we don’t appear super wealthy.

Four or five kids? No, I just marvel at how you manage it. 8+ kids? I'll be honest that I do tend to hoick up my judgey pants a bit because in too many of those situations the older kids are forced to parent the younger ones and end up sacrificing their own childhood for their parents' wants.

It’s also different with SC - I am a single mother of two. But if I met someone with an equally average number of children that would be 4 between us and, if they had 3, that’s 5!

Perhaps people assume we’re on a lot of benefits as we don’t appear super wealthy.

Perhaps people assume absolutely nothing, and are so busy with their lives that they can't be bothered to judge yours, @AureliusS .

What would happen if you accepted that was actually the case and your reality?

I don't judge. I just wonder how exhausted parents must be because where is the free time!? 😆 but then i check myself and remember that some people are much more extroverted than I am and not everyone needs as much time alone as I do to feel like functional human!

We’re not overstretched and the kids are well cared for. Everyone bathes and reads daily, they have extracurriculars. Not a huge amount left over for savings or holidays whilst we have nursery fees, admittedly!

I didn’t plan to have any kids but I love it when they’re all here.

I do a little tbh. More because of the number of times I've come across families that have really bitten off more than they can reasonably chew and the kids suffer as a result. Even one child takes an enormous amount of time and energy and resources to raise properly, and with each new baby it takes parental time and energy away.

If someone is capable of having 3+ children while all of them are still thriving, getting quality time with parents, being read to and listened to, able to access activities, then that's great, but it's not that common.

The families where I've seen it work alright are when there's a pretty big gap. But with smaller gaps it just seems very unfair to the existing children to keep adding babies when the existing child is still very young and needs a lot of time. It's honestly heartbreaking seeing a 2yr old have to grow up overnight and accept they can't have as much time with mummy and daddy as they used to because the new baby needs so much care. A lot of behavioural problems tend to come out.

But overall, each to their own, certainly in some countries having 5+ kids is the norm. But when kids in big families move into adulthood you do hear a lot about how they felt ignored and suffocated, didn't have enough time or space, weren't able to do the things they wanted to do.

I’d assume they were absolutely loaded!

The only time I judge is where people are complaining about things which would be incredibly obvious to most people… like “We’ve got 2 kids and 1 on the way and we’re incredibly cramped in our 2 bed flat.” Or, worse, “we’re expecting no 4, WIBU to make my DH’s kids from a previous relationship sleep in the utility room so that my kids can have a room each”.

I do very firmly believe that it’s up to you to provide for your own kids and if you can’t/ don’t want to, then you shouldn’t have them. And yes if you have 3 kids you can expect to be permanently knackered/ skint for the foreseeable (and no you can’t expect grandparents of 70+ to start taking them all for a whole weekend so you can have a date night or go to a spa!)…

Apart from that, in my experience (SW London dweller) it is often the more wealthy/ obviously middle class parents who have more than 2. 3 is pretty standard around here.

If the stepchildren live mostly with their mother then you don't have 'loads of kids' really. I suppose your dh would be the person who has 'loads of kids' though.

It's infuriating when you see people keep adding more and more kids when they're already drowning. Then expect someone else to house the family and pay for it. I'm pretty much as lefty liberal as they come and even I'm conscious there's a lot of learned helplessness out there, those stories in the newspaper about a mum of 6 frowning because the council won't give them a six bedroom house and it's just not good enough are designed to get clicks and comments. But it's just awful for children when they're born to parents who not only don't really have the resources to care for them properly, but continue to have more and more. If you're gonna go forward and have one child or five you really would hope someone thinks a bit about the amount of money and time parenting consumes and have a plan to provide. Kids are set up to fail from day one.

As long as the kids are well cared for I don't judge. Well apart from Elon Musk having 12, I judge that because the world doesn't need 12 mini Elons!! 😱

I don't see having 3 kids as a large family, mind you I come from a family of 5 so my understanding of large families is a bit different to yours!