Do you judge people with loads of kids?

[AureliusS]

I have three primary aged SC, one DS and am pregnant. We look like a genetically related family when we’re together.

None of my friends have more than two children and in my demographic (late 30s, university graduate, higher taxpayer) it seems to be very rare. Certainly nobody I’ve met in baby classes has more than three and even three is rare.

I sometimes feel like people assume we are either on benefits or very rich rather than a regular average family and judge us based on that. AIBU to feel this way?

Maybe, a bit. I do think the world is dangerously overcrowded. In 1900 there were a billion humans. By 1960 that had trebled to three billion. It's now eight billion and we're going to hit ten right in the middle of a climate crisis. Africa's birth rate is so high the African population is going to double. Educated Africans do seem to be having smaller families, however, which is encouraging – not only for the planet, but for the women themselves. When a woman in Ghana is pregnant at 17, and then has six kids to raise, she hasn't the time, money or energy to educate herself or pursue a career. Family planning is the key to eradicating poverty. It always has been.

Then there is the separate issue of being fit to raise kids. In that respect, yes, I do judge people. Ignorant, violent, abusive parents often produce angry, traumatised kids with a weak moral compass. Some people grow up in awful families and yet become decent human beings. I have seen it, and I admire them very much. And you do get kids from good and loving families who turn into horrible little thugs. But in general the 'underclass', meaning the people who live by crime, or by exploiting the benefit system, who are violent, ignorant and anti-social, and who ruin their neighbour's lives, were raised in awful, dysfunctional homes.

I judge people who choose to have multiple children when they can't afford it. When they expect the benefits to pay for the lifestyle they want and all the children they want.

If you earn good money and can afford lots children crack on.

In cases like that it’s often not that they want more children, it’s that they can’t be arsed to prevent it.

Just how I feel. If you don't need financial support from others then have as many as suits. I do judge when, like someone I know of, my friends sister, had multiple children all by different fathers , for the money, to avoid work and get a bigger council house. She would happily tell people this too. Then, yes, I judge.

Honestly I'm usually far too busy wrangling my two to do much more than think 'wow, x number of kids!' and then move on.

Who cares what they think? Live your life.

Just in passing, a friend of mine had 3 children when she met a man with 4. (Both married to others and the time line about the break up of those marriages was never made clear to me.) They got together and had two more kids of their own. So 9 altogether. They were more hippy-ish than chavvy though.

Only if they’re reliant on the taxpayer to feed, clothe and house them.

Yes, I don’t have any so I am biased, never had the urge. Never had to try to control the urge. I have empathy for women who have an urge to have a lot of children, must be exhausting,
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In this scenario I would judge and would be expecting the dad to do more to gain additional custody.

Thing is everyone saying "so long as they can afford them" how many of these families that can afford them end up in divorce and end up requiring assistance? Or due to some other reason? Circumstances change, having a lot of children is pretty reckless really, one of the big reasons we limited our family was due to the impact on our 2 children if things did change or the child wasn't healthy etc. I would never plead ignorance, life can change on a dime.

You don't know anyone with SC as well as DC?

I judge anyone who makes choices they can't pay for themselves, especially when a living thing suffers as a result. I'd judge someone with five dogs if they couldn't pay for the dog food and vet's bills. But if that's not the case, no, not at all. I judge people who have dc and don't look after them properly or raise them with decent manners, whether it's one dc or five or more. But not just based on the number.

@AureliusS I don't understand how you say you're not rich or poor but you have a 5 bedroom house and 5 kids and your H is able to support all of you. What does he do ? Do you work? A 5 bedroom house house is costly .

we have 4, and 4 is definitely the number where people start to think you are crazy haha. My husband has actually had people ask when he said the ages of our children (we had 2, then a gap and then 2 more) and people have asked him if they all have the same mum.. so I guess some people do judge when a Dad has a "second" family, even though in your case it sounds like his ex is the reason for the split I guess people might be judging that situation..

It's a massive gamble, isn't it. If your partner leaves, or dies, or becomes disabled, you're not having to provide solo. That's part of the reason we stopped at one honestly. I don't think either of us would do a good job as a single parent with two kids. We can do a great job with our one which is lovely. I'm always agog when people have 4-5 kids and then are shocked when life circumstances change and they can no longer manage. It leaves you incredibly vulnerable.

But you don’t have 4 children and one on the way, you have 3SC! It’s your DH who has 5 children, so actually you are no different to any other mothers at class!

I have five of my own, and frankly don’t give a s* what anyone else thinks about it 🤷‍♀️
I love them and they love me, and that’s all that matters to any of us.

Some people are just judgemental. I have twins and have raised them by myself from the start. I’ve experienced the shift at baby groups when they discovered I was a solo parent. I also had one absolute gem invite all the others to a meet up at the park and then turn and say to me ‘I can’t invite you because you don’t have a partner!’ Makes me LOL that they’re judging me when my ex abandoned us when I was twelve weeks pregnant! I’ve worked since they were 4 months old (they’re now ten years old) and I’ve only claimed child benefit (still get that -£170 a month - more than their dad pays towards them 🙄) and working tax credits when they were at nursery - obviously don’t get that anymore. From 6 months to 6years I had one full time job and one part time job. They can judge away - I’d rather not be friends with dicks like that!! On the flip side, people who were unfazed by my singledom have become great friends. Ignore the haters!!

I wouldn’t judge you. I applaud you because one was enough for me.

You know the truth about your family situation and are presumably happy with it so what other people think/assume is completely their problem not yours. Just enjoy what you have.

I’d be a bit judgy (internally) about anyone paying the absolute bare minimum which is the government assessed child support having more children; they clearly can’t afford them.

I assume your husband supports all of his children equallly.

No. Well not for 4 anyway, highest I've known IRL is 6 and no judgement there. I do wonder how the Radfords can actually be good parents to 20 odd children. I can't see how there would be enough hours in the day.

I mean, I work as a tattoo artist in an area that’s not too affluent. I can tell you that most of the big families are on a lot of benefits to support them. This only irritates me when there are excessive claims of “disability” in all of their kids (who you get to meet and they’re pretty normal children) - I’ve been encouraged to claim it for my DD too. In middle class spaces you’re not supposed to imply this kind of fraud is happening/widespread but it really is and it takes away so many resources from people who really need it.

i have one client with 13 kids (not kidding), all her own, all unschooled. The older ones look after the younger. She’s a part time nail tech, her husband is on the sick, most of the children get DLA for ADHD. I definitely judge that even though she’s a nice person. Her two oldest kids have come to me too and I know they’re being guilt tripped hard not to move out and get a full time job because she needs them to look after siblings.

Do you know in 2024 there were only 15 families in the UK with 13+ children?

We have 4 and people definitely act like we've lost our minds! But we're used to it because they've been doing it ever since we had twins and then announced we were expecting our third child. People seemed utterly baffled why we would have another child when we already had "one of each". I found it quite annoying actually because ever since the twins were born we'd been hearing comments like "Oh one of each, that's your family complete then!" Like it was some sort of bingo card to fill or something.

When we told people we were expecting our fourth, their heads popped off completely.

Doesn’t this just mean you judge anyone with more than one child with an age gap of less than three years, or multiple births, though?